Young Writers Society

In school we had this homework assignment and we had to write this science-fiction story. Well, here it is:
P.S. This story has real-life people from my school's name so I changed all names




.:#:.

Mr Frigid made sure that no one else was in the room. “Yes I have done it, I made the first ever working time machine!” he shouted. “Oh, I think there’s a flaw with it, but I’ll find out what it is after I experiment on it with my favourite class students. Muahahahahahaha!”

*
Colin and Nick were making their way to their science class.
“Oh, I don’t want to go science, I hate that teacher,” cried Colin.
“Yeah,” agreed Nick.

They entered their science lab and were surprised to see that the class was almost empty.

“Where is everyone?” inquired Colin.
Mr Frigid appeared from nowhere. “Oh hello Colin and Nick! You’re wondering where the other children are. They’re coming soon. But first, I’ll show you the time machine I made!”

“Time machine?” said Nick and Colin together. They thought that their science teacher had been too stupid to invent the time machine.

“Yes!” exclaimed the teacher. “I have finally made it now, and you two are the first people to go in it. We’ll have a lesson back in the past.”

Colin, Nick and Mr Frigid approached the corner of the class, and the time machine was revealed. It looked decorative with manipulative buttons and colourful designs.

“Is it going to be bigger in the inside than the outside like on Doctor Who?” asked Colin.

“You’ll have to wait and see,” replied Mr Frigid thoughtfully.
He opened the door and they went inside. It looked more bizarre than from outside. There were lots of buttons but it wasn’t bigger on the inside, it was the same size.

“Now we are going back to the 1300s and learn what they do there,” explained the teacher.

“But sir,” protested Nick, “We’re having a science lesson not a history lesson.”

“Just do as I say,” said Mr Frigid. He pressed some buttons and then the machine disappeared from the classroom.



“ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” went the time machine that carried the three people on the school trip. 5 seconds later, it was all over and they arrived at their destination.

The place they landed was very different and Colin noticed he couldn’t see any people around. It was very placid and the only sound that could be heard was Colin’s voice.

“Hey, Mr Frigid, I don’t think we landed in the 1300s, I don’t see any people around. Let me see, I think we landed in the time of the dinosaurs. What dinosaurs do I remember? Pterodactyl, Allosaurus, Triceratops, Brachyceratops, T-Rex…” he stopped when he saw two tyrannosaurus rex looming towards him. He pointed.

“T-REX!” he hollered.
“ROAR!” were the noise the two dinosaurs they were making as they were chasing the two students and the teacher.

“Aaaagh!” they screamed while they were running away. The chase was on and at last they lost the behemoth creatures.

“We need to find the time machine,” said Nick. “But now we lost it while retreating from the T-Rexes, we have to find it.”

“Let’s go and look for it,” added Mr Frigid.

They went back the path they went to and then concealed themselves with anything they could find to veil themselves from the dinosaurs...



Ok that's all I've done. Wait and I'll continue the story. It's nearly finished anyway

-cauan- wrote:In school we had this homework assignment and we had to write this science-fiction story. Well, here it is:

Mr Frigid made sure that no one else was in the room. “Yes I have done it, I made the first ever working time machine!” he shouted. “Oh, I think there’s a flaw with it, but I’ll find out what it is after I experiment on it with my favourite class students. Muahahahahahaha!”

Sounds evil!!! I recommend taking out the Oh, I think there's a flaw with it part. Then Say it's time to test it on my students.
*

Mr Frigid appeared from nowhere. “Oh hello Colin and Nick! [b]You’re wondering where the other children are. They’re coming soon. But first, I’ll show you the time machine I made!”

Take the bold parts out. Instead say Come and look at the time machine I made!

“Time machine?” said Nick and Colin together. They thought that their science teacher had been too stupid to invent the time machine.

Also maybe say that they exchange incredulous looks.
“

Colin, Nick and Mr Frigid approached the corner of the class, and the time machine was revealed.

Instead say: Colin and Nick approached the back of the class. Mr. Frigid walked ahead of them, pulling off the blanket he had placed over the machine.

It looked decorative with manipulative buttons and colourful designs.

instead say it looked like one of those machines you see in sci-fi movies.

I really liked this! Very creative and original. Just a few suggestions/notes:
1) Show don't tell. Show what the kids are doing. Don't say: I think we're with the dinosaurs. Instead have Colin glance up and swallow hard. He poked Nick. "What?" Nick asked, whirling around. Colin pointed above him and Nick followed his gaze. Above them towered a gigantic dinosaur. "I don't think we're in the 1300s Mr. Frigid," Colin said. The dinosaur bellowed and began to chase the children. "Run," yelled Nick and the two shildren sprinted off into the distance. Talk about how they feel, what they see, ect. Show the audience.
2) Make your characters more dynamic. Show us their personalities.

Other than that, keep up the good work I really liked the story

Ok but where shall I continue the story?

Here's a couple of suggestions. Since your characters seem to have lost the time machine have them try to get back to their home. Maybe they have to live in the jungle for a few days, battling dinosaurs, hunting for their food. Maybe they find primitive humans. Maybe they reconstruct a time machine of their own and they land in the real 1300s. Have them travel to as many different places as possible. Have them have adventures. Maybe Mr. Frigid gets angry at them because the time machine they create is better than his and he trys to destroy it. Those are just a few suggestions...you have a lot of directions that you could go with this story.

pm me if you have any questions

Mr Frigid made sure that no one else was in the room. “Yes I have done it, I made the first ever working time machine!” he shouted. “Oh, I think there’s a flaw with it, but I’ll find out what it is after I experiment on it with my favourite class students. Muahahahahahaha!”

1. It's Mr. Frigid. With a period after the Mr. part. Thought you'd want to know that.
2. Don't have mr. Frigid say there's a flaw in it, just continue on (sorry for repeating.)

“Where is everyone?” inquired Colin.
Mr Frigid appeared from nowhere. “Oh hello Colin and Nick! You’re wondering where the other children are. They’re coming soon. But first, I’ll show you the time machine I made!”

Ok, so instead of having Mr. Frigid (again, period after Mr), say "You're wondering where the other children are." after Colin just said "Where is everyone?" have him say "Oh, hello Colin and Nick! The other students should be here shortly, but until then, I'll show you my time machine."

“Time machine?” said Nick and Colin together. They thought that their science teacher had been too stupid to invent the time machine.

The second sentence sounds a bit blunt. Maybe have them say something like: "Time machine?" said Nick and Colin together, both wondering how their science teacher had made the machine with his I.Q.
Just a suggestion though.

“Now we are going back to the 1300s and learn what they do there,” explained the teacher.

Just a grammer mistake this time. Comma after Now.

“T-REX!” he hollered.
“ROAR!” were the noise the two dinosaurs they were making as they were chasing the two students and the teacher.

--"Roar!" [b]was[/bold] the noise the two dinosaurs made while they chased the two students and Mr. Frigid.
The tenses seemed to be a little mixed up in this paragraph.

“We need to find the time machine,” said Nick. “But now we lost it while retreating from the T-Rexes, we have to find it.”

This is the same problem I frequently have issues with. Redundency. First, Nick is saying, "We need to find the time machine," and then he says "....We have to find it." Take out the first 'we need to find the time machine. maybe say this, again, just suggestions: Nick looked around. "Where's the time machine?" They soon realized that they had lost it while they were fleeing for their lives. "We've got to find it."
Or something like that.

I like your creativity, just keep the rule of Show more than you tell (because you do need some telling, just not all over the place). Punctuation and stuff like that. I'll critique the next part of this as soon as my sister is done using the computer (she wants it right now). HOpe this helped.
_M.V.