Young Writers Society

3/5/08

090 – Home

So much has changed since I left. My grandpa told me about how his grandpa told him about the days when kids ran down the street to their friends’, played hopscotch on the sidewalk and catch in their backyards. Now kids aren’t allowed outside without adult supervision. Most games and sports are played in gymnasiums now. But things have gotten worse while I was gone.

There’re curfews now, before dark, and police cars are everywhere. One would think that you’d feel safer with so much presence, that nothing would dare happen, but somehow it just makes you feel more exposed, more threatened. There are always cameras watching everyone. I don’t remember those.

Yet some things are the same. Molly’s Diner, a little run-down shack with the best burgers and the worst coffee you have ever tasted, is still open and Molly is still behind the counter. She tells me that the health officials are eyeing her, but she’s not worried. There’d be riots if Molly’s was closed down. Too much of the good things have been sucked out of this city.

But my family is here. My wife, Sarah, was pregnant when I left. Now the baby is four years old. Sarah calls her Sissy, but her real name is Patricia. She’s still afraid of me, but Sarah says that she’s just shy. That hurts. My own child doesn’t know me because of some corporate idiot’s mistake. The war, the depression, the crime rate… That guy should be skinned and salted.

At least I’m home, in a warm bed. I still have to worry about being shot – probably more so than when I was on duty – but at least the food is good and hot water comes at the touch of a handle. Sarah’s here, Sissy’s here. As soon as I get back to normal, we’ll move and find somewhere not so bad. Maybe a little suburb somewhere. But for now, I’m home.

Hey GryphonFledgling!
Here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words I've inserted that I think work better

GryphonFledgling wrote:3/5/08

090 – Home

So much has changed since I left. My grandpa told me about how his grandpa told him about the days when kids ran down the street to their friends’, played hopscotch on the sidewalk and catch in their backyards This was a bit of a runon. I also didn't like the beginning of your sentence all that much. Try to reword it and split up your ideas . Now kids aren’t allowed outside without adult supervision. Most games and sports are played in gymnasiums [s]now[/s]. But things have gotten worse while I was gone. Who exactly is he, because it seems as though he is older than his grandpa and great grandpa by the way that you say the first sentence. You say so much has changed. Well, it seems as though your MC has been around since the time of your great-grandpa. It was just the way you worded it all that made me think this

There’re curfews now, before dark, and police cars are everywhere. One would think that you’d feel safer with so much presence, that nothing would dare happen, but somehow it just makes you feel more exposed, more threatened Again, watch your runons. Split up your ideas. They got a bit jumbled in that sentence . There are always cameras watching everyone. I don’t remember those.

Yet some things are the same. Molly’s Diner, a little run-down shack with the best burgers and the worst coffee you have ever tasted, is still open. [s]and[/s] Molly is still try not to repeat words like still behind the counter. She tells me that the health officials are eyeing her, but she’s not worried. There’d be riots if Molly’s was closed down. [s]Too much of the good things have been sucked out of this city.[/s] This line feels a bit too repetitive for me. We know that he's left a while ago and we know that things have changed.
But my family is here. My wife, Sarah, was pregnant when I left. Now the baby is four years old. Sarah calls her Sissy, but her real name is Patricia. She’s Who are you talking about? Sarah or Patricia when you say She's? still afraid of me, but Sarah says that she’s just shy. [s]That hurts.[/s] My own child doesn’t know me because of some corporate idiot’s mistake. The war, the depression, the crime rate… That guy should be skinned and salted.

At least I’m home, in a warm bed. I still have to worry about being shot – probably more so than when I was on duty – but at least the food is good and hot water comes at the touch of a handle. Sarah’s here, Sissy’s here. As soon as I get back to normal, we’ll move and find somewhere not so bad. Maybe a little suburb somewhere. But for now, I’m home.

I liked the general ideas behind this, the ideas of change and that this change in particular was bad. Here are some additional suggestions:

Confusion: I was a bit confused throughout the whole thing. I had trouble placing a time frame especially when you introduced the ideas of his grandparents in. It sounded as though your MC existed when it was safe to play outside alone. A lot of things has changed since the time of his grandfather and great-grandfather but you need to focus more on the changes that occured during your MC's lifetime not the past because I'm guessing your MC isn't like 100 years old. Show how it was for your MC before he left, so we can get a better understanding of what your were talking about.

Shortish: I know this was supposed to be a short short story, but even in short stories you have to have some type of conflict. Show us more about what your MC went through, where he went, what he saw, what caused him to change, not just what caused his environment to change. Or show us that unlike his environment, he didn't change which in itself is a conflict of being able to adapt to a strange new place. Because he has all this anger about how everything has changed since he has left and then suddenly at the end, he dismisses all of the emotions he's been talking about, your ending is a bit flat. People don't really do that, especially when you build up all this emotion and then just let it go.

Around and around: Try not to repeat yourself too much. You say that everything has changed about three times in this piece but you don't exactly show us how. You're very vague about everything. Focus in on what your MC sees. Show us, don't simply repeat the general idea of it all.

Other than that, well done! Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

I liked it. I think 'the whole world's gone to hell' concept that's shown is pretty cool, and I think that when combined with the other parts of your story this is pretty cool.

Hi love! Here as promised! <3

My grandpa told me about how his grandpa told him about the days when kids ran down the street to their friends’, played hopscotch on the sidewalk and catch in their backyards. Now kids aren’t allowed outside without adult supervision. Most games and sports are played in gymnasiums now. But things have gotten worse while I was gone.

First of all, the first sentence is very hard to stumble through. Just the removal from a direct story seems to make the description that much more distant. The essence is a fact, but the delivery of the fact is cumbersome to the writing. I also think you might want to say 'friends' houses', just to clarify, and use 'their' before sidewalks as well, to create a parallel phrase. That would be nice. A comma should be placed after 'Now' and I think that the 'But' from the last sentence should be removed, because I don't see it serving any purpose. ^_^

There’re curfews now, before dark, and police cars are everywhere. One would think that you’d feel safer with so much presence, that nothing would dare happen, but somehow it just makes you feel more exposed, more threatened. There are always cameras watching everyone. I don’t remember those.

Double dashes would serve better than commas in the first sentence, in my opinion. Also, why do you use 'one' to begin the second sentence when the tone of the rest of this piece is so informal? Does the 'nothing' dare to not happen, or do PEOPLE dare not to make the 'nothing' happen? Try reworking that sentence. The sentence about cameras might work better with a more definite adjective than 'always', but the last sentence is very powerful and reminds us of the point of this piece.

I really loved the paragraph about Molly's diner -- the hope that it brings with it. Something stayed the same, so not all hope is lost. It was beautifully presented as well.

My own child doesn’t know me because of some corporate idiot’s mistake.

Hmm, this sentence is a little vague and only leads to a wealth of questions. Now the reader expects for the whole story to be told -- what happened?

I love the premise of this story and it's well written. Good work, love! Keep it up! I'll read some of the other stories later. ^_^

This is the first I'm reading of these. It was alright, but could definitely be done better. I took the liberty of reading how the first one started and it seems that your story is less personal. This was basically a list of changes where nothing actually happens. I didn't like it all that much. It almost seems like you are trying to drag the story out longer than it should be. I don't know yet if any of the conflicts are resolved from the first part of the story but it seems like you've almost lost interest in the series. If this is the case, try writing something else and then coming back to the series... Perhaps if this had been a bit longer, my opinion may be different.