Young Writers Society

3/6/08

039 – Taste

There should be a metallic taste of blood in my mouth as I chew on my lip, but it isn't there.

They’ve gone for now, but they’re going to be back. Probably to kill me. I’m no good now.

They were trying to make me tell them where I came from. That is something I must never tell.

It is my own fault they caught me. Somehow, I’m not worried. Strangely, the only thing I miss is my tongue.

I knew that I was afraid and that I would talk if they hurt me enough. So I bit out my tongue. It hurts and I cry and scream, but it is not because I am afraid. I am brave now. They cannot hurt my family now.

They are coming back. One of them has a gun. I am still not worried, though tears run down my face from the stinging pain that rips through my mouth. The gun points at my forehead.

I am a hero. A hero without a tongue. Strange.

This was an eerily moving piece for its length. I haven't read any of your other Mutts stories, so I'm just seeing this one...in a vacuum, shall we say. It's a very strong, frightening passage that has the reader admiring the hero for his courage. The last bit added a bit of black humour. I liked the way it was set out in paragraphs-very effective. I also liked how the title 'Taste' tied in with the theme.

I'm a little confused with this first sentence: 'The metallic taste of blood as I chew on my lip: it’s not there'. It doesn't make sense-how can he chew on his lip if it's not there? Also, I'd say 'The metallic taste of blood grips me' or something like that. It could be: 'I am seized by the metallic taste of blood as I chew on my lip. My tongue is gone'-something along those lines.

Overall, I loved this-sad, scary and poignant. The ending was especially effective.

I agree with Jay said about the first sentence. It's somewhat confusing. Are you shooting for an allusion, symbolism, imagery here? What are you trying to say? Is the blood or the lip missing? A tad more information would be agreable.

Another thing I noticed. The flow of the piece itself is very bumpy. Very choppy. Your sentences tend to be short and staccato with one or two passages with commas and "and's" thrown in. I would suggest some variety, unless you were going for that rhythm. At the moment, it kind of reads like Beatnik poetry. Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun. Combine a few. Attatch.

(I know I'm not necessarily the best person to give that advice, seeing as I suffer from fragments and short sentences myself.)

Anyway, that's all I could find. My goal is to review at least one Mutts piece per day. The concept itself seems fascinating. Have you finished all 100 or are you still working on them, because I seem to remember that Mutts was the first story posted here on YWS...

-Kylan

The first sentence certainly is confusing - what's not there, his lip or the metallic taste?

I like your narrator, though. He or she is interesting, with that calm insanity of a person who's become so stressed that all sense and sanity just flies out of the window. If that was your intent, then the first sentence is fine - a crazy person wouldn't make perfect sense, or at least perfect sense in the way the sane perceive it.

There is the little detail about contractions, however. If you use contractions once, it generally sounds better for the character to use them all of the time. I see it this way: someone who says "I'm" all the time isn't going to say "it is," simply because of the way he or she talks.

The last line of this short is amazing, though. I love it. Facing death and contemplating the strangeness of being a hero without a tongue.

I would love it much more if you could change the first line a little, though. Otherwise, good work.