Young Writers Society

These do not have to be read in any order in particular. The numbers have to do with which prompt of this challenge the story is written around (72 in this case) and which I wrote when (this was the 26th I tackled).

7/26/08

072 – Fixed

The AI unit lay still on the examination table. It was still and silent in sleep mode. All that remained functional were its ear microphones, waiting for the order to awaken. Alongside the table, two mechanics were scanning the numbers scrolling down a large display screen on the wall. The readouts of the AI’s computer. Every so often, there would be a tap of a stylus on a digital clipboard and the screen would beep as the image froze. One of the mechanics sighed. It turned into a yawn.

“That’s it,” he said through the yawn. “If we don’t find something in the next five minutes, then I quit.”

The other mechanic, a woman, objected.

“But, Tom… Conner said…”

“I don’t care what Conner said. We’ve been at this for nearly three hours. Five minutes and I’m done.”

The two lapsed back into silence. A few minutes passed.

“Sorry, Karen,” Tom finally said. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’ll buy you a cup of coffee when we’re done, eh?”

“Okay.”

Another period of silence. Then there was a clattering as Tom threw down his clipboard very near to the AI’s head. The sharp sound echoed through its circuitry.

“Well, that’s it. I’m done. C’mon, Karen, We’ll see if that little place on the corner is still open.”

“Hold on. What’s that?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. Let’s go.”

“No, really, Tom. Look at it!”

Tom groaned. “It’s a two, Karen, so what?”

“Here. Here, here and here.” Each of Karen’s ‘here’s was punctuated by a vicious tap of her stylus and a corresponding beep from the computer. Tom’s breath came faster.

“No, that’s not possible.”

The clipboard clattered as Tom picked it up and the computer began to beep frantically as he cycled through the readouts.

“What the hell is going on here? His voice was barely more than a whisper. “How could I not have seen this? Conner was right.”

“It’s been thinking.”

“No, it couldn’t have.” Tom was trying to convince himself. His voice shook. “I’ve been working too hard. It’s a glitch, that’s all. A malfunction in the computer.”

“But…”

“Malfunction. In. The. Computer,” Tom annunciated each word carefully through clenched teeth. “Let’s wipe the hardware and send it back to be reprogrammed.”

“But…”

“Just do it, Karen.”

A moment of silence. Utter and complete silence.

“I need some coffee. Come on. We’ll get some coffee and come back.”

“All right.” Karen didn’t sound very enthusiastic. The clipboards rattled once more as they placed them on the table tops. The two mechanics left the room. The AI remained still on the table. The first self-aware computer.



A/N: (I feel a bit repetitive by this point, but I keep getting new readers, so sorry to everyone who's read this before.): "Mutts" is written based on the 100-fic challenge on Livejournal. It's pretty cool and I recommend giving it a whack. One of it's main virtues is there is no time limit.

Gah, I was just reading a plethora of Isaac Asimov's robot works, and I can't help but wince at how badly I've butchered his concepts. It feels like I just copy and pasted here, when it actuality, this was written months ago, before I was really at all familiar with Asimov outside of the "I, Robot" movie of a few years back. So, no, I didn't mean to copy the guy but it's hard to do something he hasn't with this particular aspect of the genre (if you've read any of his robot works, you know what I mean). Well, I have robot police officers. But he has robot public officials. *sigh* Whatever. I came up with the Mutts.

Yaaay! More Mutts stuff--and about the robotic police officers, too! Let's see--

The AI unit lay still on the examination table. It was still and silent in sleep mode.

You used "still" in both these sentences; that feels a tad redundant. Methinks you could also combine those sentences to flow more naturally, but this may be my fondness for longer sentences as opposed to yours for seemingly shorter ones. >_>

Alongside the table, two mechanics were scanning the numbers scrolling down a large display screen on the wall. The readouts of the AI’s computer.

These two sentences should definitely be combined, as the last one is a fragment. Something like "...on the wall--the readouts of the AI's computer".

“That’s it,” he said through the yawn. “If we don’t find something in the next five minutes, then I quit.”

Haa, nice characterization. Me likes.

The two lapsed back into silence. A few minutes passed.

This is a bit awkward and sparsely worded. It could do with some elaboration...something like "The two lapsed back into silence, neither saying anything for several minutes". Or something like that, I'll admit that's not a stellar example either.

The sharp sound echoed through its circuitry.

I'm a bit confused here, as I don't quite get the meaning you're aiming at. What does it mean, "echoed through its circuitry"? You might need to explain this better.

“Here. Here, here and here.” Each of Karen’s ‘here’s was punctuated by a vicious tap of her stylus and a corresponding beep from the computer.

Neat. I like the way you characterize the characters (redundant...), not through infodumps but simply through their actions and interactions. It's very realistic--I can just pictures these characters.

“What the hell is going on here? His voice was barely more than a whisper. “How could I not have seen this? Conner was right.”

It'd probably been better put as "barely above a whisper". Also, I feel like Tom's dialogue needs a few italics for emphasis...but that may just be my personal preferenes speaking.

“It’s been thinking.”

I feel like this sentence is supposed to be more dramatic...the story's high point, if you will. Something like..."It's been...thinking." That helps convey more of the scientists' disbelief, and is probably more like the way they would actually say it (if they were real people).

“Malfunction. In. The. Computer,” Tom annunciated each word carefully through clenched teeth.

I think the word you're looking for there is "enunciated".

A moment of silence. Utter and complete silence.

I know this moment is supposed to be intense and dramatic, but these two sentences are just...too flat and uncompelling. "Utter and complete" doesn't really describe the silence; they're just two adjectives that mean nothing. I can tell you're trying for a sparse style, and I certainly wouldn't want you to overload with description, but all the same...these sentneces need to be elaborated more if you want the dramatic impact to really be felt. Otherwise they just feel a bit cliche and flat.

The two mechanics left the room. The AI remained still on the table. The first self-aware computer.

Again, this is mostly a style difference between you and me, but I can't help but feel that these sentences are a bit too...choppy and brief. I can't exactly think on how to combine them, but I know at least two of the ought to be combined for the sake of natural flow...the first and second, or the second and third. I think I'll you to pick which ones, though...

All in all...actually, I don't think I liked this as much as the previous two "Mutts" stories I've read. Sorry. I liked how you developed the characters of Tom and Karen, and their dialogue in particular was just a joy to read. However...the concept of the self-aware robot kind of fell flat. Maybe it's because of the execution (i.e. the "utter and complete silence"), but for some reason I just wasn't...feeling it. This is possibly a consequence of not understanding exactly what led the scientist to believe the robot was thinking. You were probably aiming for an air of mystery, but I just felt confused, and almost like Tom and Karen were overreacting. Which was probably not what you were intending.

Still, this is a good piece, but I know you can do better than this. And my personal prejudices demand that you write a story where a robot cop arrests somebody, but you don't need to listen to them.