Young Writers Society

In the tradition of Griff's "Mutts," this is the first of a series of short pieces.

"Aiden, would you turn that down?" Maddie gave me a bland look. As usual, her hair had been hastily braided. It gave her a somewhat frantic look, setting a contrast with my sleekly-combed black strands.

I frowned and turned the music up a notch.

"Very funny. Now turn it down." There was no arguing when she used that tone, so I flicked the volume control. The music receded.

Maddie grimaced. "I can't see what you like about that stuff, anyway. It's morbid."
So now my choice of music was "morbid." How so?

"Mo- Maddie, please. It's just Speed of Life." She wasn't my real mother, which is why I always used her name.
I'd called her "Mom" once; it wasn't something I wanted to do again.

"Which makes it all right. Who's the songwriter?"


Idly, I flicked my tail back and forth. She was going on about "perfectly clean" alternative music, which bored me stiff, when it hit me. My vision blurred, and a needle of intense pain stabbed into my eye.

"...you OK?" Maddie was saying. I groaned something incoherent. "Do you want me to call Sickbay?"

I shook my head carefully; nothing rattled. "I'm all right. It's stopped." What I didn't tell her was that this had happened before.
**

Sal called an hour later. "Yeah, I can come," I replied. "Say, two-thirty?"

After getting a "yes," I turned to find Maddie standing, hands on hips, in my way.

"What?" I asked innocently.

"You sure you'll be all right out there?" There was a frown lurking around her eyes.

I laughed. "Of course I'll be OK. I could walk those corridors blind."

I met Sal at the Waypoint Cafe. She was dressed in some kind of tunic and leggings of a shade between blue and purple. "Nice," I observed.

She grinned. "It's not exactly the latest fashion." That made me grin.

"It looks like a great night for a walk."

Without speaking further, we started off. The pain came again, but it was hardly noticeable this time. I was determined not to let it ruin my evening.

The corridors were brightly lit. Groups of people walked by on both sides. No one took notice of us except a group of teens who whistled and hooted. Jerks, I thought.

Sal was saying, "...knew I should have taken a back way." I nodded, not really paying attention. "I hear a merchant ship docked yesterday," she went on. "They had the most beautiful gemstones. Or at least, that's what Myra said."

About to say something, I felt the white-hot lance again. "Oh God!" I yelled, startling the other pedestrians.

"Aid? Aiden, are you OK?"

I grunted a negative. "Can't see a thing. It's all blurry."

Sal took charge. She guided me to a bench, talking quietly. I sensed her sitting beside me. It was weird, like my other senses had rushed to compensate for the lack of sight. I could hear my heart pulsing; smell the apprehension in the air.

"Can you see anything now?"

I shook my head. "It's all just a blank. Oh God," I started to panic, "what if I don't recover?"

"You will." I couldn't see Sal's face, but I imagined the fierce scowl it wore. "You'll get better. Trust me."
**

I didn't get better. By the time a week had gone by, I was almost completely blind.

On a sterile, white-paneled station, the loss of sight was almost a blessing. Of course I knew people stopped to stare; but knowing they thought of you as no one, as an obstacle, can be a surprisingly good feeling.

Allo Thought I'd return the favour.

Well, there's not a lot here but I'll do my best

Maddie grimaced.

So did Aiden. Try a different word, or go into little details like 'pinning a scowl on her face' or whatever.

which bored me stiff

Meh, this seems too resembling of something cliché. Nothing major, but I find it too overused. Maybe describe it a little more?

So, all I gathered from that is that Aiden isn't human (flicking a tail), and so I'm wondering what he is. Unless I just misread, or you miswrote.

There's not a lot to say, since these are "Mutts" and thus tend to limit what I can say!

Best o' luck,
-Blink

Hey there! I'm here, returning the favour. (:

"Very funny, Aiden. Now turn it down." There was no arguing when she used that tone; I flicked the volume control.

I think the use of 'so' instead of the semi-colon would benefit this sentence and make it seem less disjointed.

Idly, I flicked my tail back and forth. She was going on about "perfectly clean" alternative music, which bored me stiff, when it hit me.

I agree with Blink, 'bored me stiff' is too much of a cliche for a writer as intelligent as yourself. Change it.

This was very good. I think now, just work on description. Describe the surroundings, the people, their expressions. Flesh it out a bit.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this. Keep writing.
xxx

*squee* I gots a promo! I'm famous!

Ahem, yes, well...

I can see where people are coming from when they say these things are hard to critique.

I'm a little confused as to exactly what time period this is taking place in. You mention music devices (I'm assuming some kind of cd or mp3 player?) and yet merchant ships (which really makes me think of an old sailing ship, though it could very well be a space ship, considering this is sci-fi). I suppose it will all be made clear though as the story progresses...

I'm looking forward to more! Would you PM when you post another?

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

*nods* I definitely will, Griff. I just need to finish the second one, "Ash."

Hey! I really like this. It's well written. I can't find any mistake, so that's good.

I can't wait for the next part. I really liked this! Sorry I didn't find any mistakes...but that's good. Please PM when you post the next part!

*thumbs up*

-Krisy

Ehm... I hope I`m not to late. I was so busy with the exams that I barely got close to the computer. Sorry for the delay. Here`s the review you asked for.

Even though it`s a short story I suggest you put more description concerning the characters, way of acting, environment and so on.
The story itself is quite unusual because of the fragmentation of the idea. Overall tho it`s a idea to start with.
I`ll take it one by one:

1.

"Aiden, would you turn that down?" My guardian, Maddie, gave me a bland look. She had shoulder-length brown hair that always seemed halfway braided. It was a stark contrast to my own jet-black curls.

I frowned and turned the music up a notch.

"Very funny, Aiden. Now turn it down." There was no arguing when she used that tone; I flicked the volume control.

You create the world. Say everything about that.
"Aiden, would you turn that down?" I barely heard the voice of my guardian, Maddie, but the rough mumbling that I did heard made me turn and meet the bland look of her. Her shoulder-length brown hair always seemed halfway braided. It was a stark contrast to my own jet-black curls.
I frowned and turned the music up a notch. I waited for her response, my "evil" smile awaiting to sketch on my face.
"Very funny, Aiden. Now turn it down." There was no arguing when she used that tone, but a little sense of a harsh order. I flickered the volume control and move to a more comfortable position on the couch and gazing at the dusty desk that was covered in darkness in the other part of the room. The only light was the lamp that stood on the table.

2.

Maddie grimaced. "I can't see what you like about that stuff, anyway. It's morbid." We'd had this debate several times. Actually, Maddie did most of the yelling.

She wasn't my real mother, which is why I always used her name. I'd called her "Mom" once; it wasn't something I wanted to do again.

Idly, I flicked my tail back and forth. She was going on about "perfectly clean" alternative music, which bored me stiff, when it hit me.

Here you can tell about his family. About Maddie and about his life. And don't break the idea of the music : music, family, music. Move the last sentence to be : music, music, familly.

3.

My vision blurred, and a needle of intense pain stabbed into my eye.

"...you ok?" Maddie was saying. I groaned something incoherent. "Do you want me to call Sickbay?"

I shook my head carefully; nothing rattled. "I'm all right. It's stopped." What I didn't tell her was that this had happened before.

Here explain the pain, and what you did your character do, feel and think.
My vision blurred. I restrained a surprise yelp as an intense pain pass through my eye. I blinked quickly trying to regain my sight.
"...you ok?" Maddie said and a sense of concern sounded faintly in her voice. I groaned something incoherent. "Do you want me to call Sickbay?" .....


In the second part I need to tell you that the dialogue is kinda empty with descriptions. Say something about Sal. How she looked and talked and so on.

That`s all. Hope it helped. Sorry again for the delay. Luck!

-Akayl

Clever dialogue, it really draws you in.
Wish it was longer.

Update: "Ash" is being stubborn. I'll post what I have very soon, but don't expect much.

Hi Stori! Here as requested.


I couldn't find any nit-picks, which is great. Your grammar was good and your vocabulary was fresh.

Your dialogue, on the other hand, was rather flat. It just didn't sound like actual people speaking to one another. Maddie and Aiden's conversation at first, for instance, was a little stiff. Something that really caught my attention were Maddie's first two lines of dialogue. She addresses Aiden by his name twice. If you think about it, people normally don't mention eachother's names when speaking. I know you probably wanted to introduce the MC's name, so I'd just cut the "Aiden" from Maddie's speech.

I don't know where we are in the story! You need to expand on your surroundings in this. At this point, I'm not entirely sure what I should be picturing. You immediately go from a park bench to a hospital (I'm assuming). Give the audience some time to breathe. While you're letting the events sink in, describe what Aiden's environment is like. Describe the cool breeze in the evening air and the dark, ominous trees. (Cliche, but you get the idea.)

Characterization is so incredibly important. Especially in a first chapter. First chapters are like first dates: you want to make a good impression. (Great analogy, I know. lol.) As readers, we want to be drawn in. We want to enjoy a good read. The first thing we fall in love with in a story is the main character. Whether it's an angsty teen or a workaholic, we will like them before any other character. So, as the writer, it's your responsibility to make us like the main character. How do you do that? Make him human (in a figurative sense in your story, obviously). At this point, Aiden lacks depth. Basically, he has no personality. I can't really feel sorry for him when he's going blind if I don't have a reason to feel sorry. If I knew he was a kind, caring person, I would be heartbroken. If he was a sadistic psychopath, I probably would think that he got what was coming to him.
So you can make us love or hate your MC. Just don't make us be indifferent.

That's about all I got left in me tonight. Keep me posted on this. I'd love to see where it goes. Hope that helped!


~anti-pop

Hi Wabbit. Here to review. ^_^ Wow. You are one talented writer, Jorin, I must say that. I really love this. I think your writing is amazing. I really don't have much to say. xD Just this...

Stori wrote: "...you OK?" Maddie was saying.

I think you meant asked?: "...you okay?" Maddie was asking.

~Solvy<3