Young Writers Society

Etherite, n. A frozen, jewel-like form of the element "ether," which allows safe passage through warp space.
The gem form is believed to have a healing power.

Galxis' Dictionary, Revision of 2049.
I slam the bound pages closed. "Grrr, this is not helping!"
"Aiden?" Maddie's hand falls on my shoulder.
"Oh, Mad, it's too much." I sob into her sleeve. "All those stories, but you never believe them.
But now..." I gave at my hands. "Now I can see. I can see, ten times better than I ever could. It actually scares me."

She shakes her head, in that way she has. "I know. Trust me on this one; I know, and Joanna knows."

I lift my head slowly. "Joanna knows?"

"Yes, she told me last night. For a while, her vision just whited out."

"She couldn't see the stars."

removed

This was good, i like the way you start it out reading a dictionary entry. I think this could really turn into a pretty amazing book. Keep up the good work, hope to read more of it.

Thanks, all of you. To avoid mix-ups, I'm going to keep posting this under the same account.

Hey Stori/FOD! June here!

Okay! I really, really like A Hundred Suns: Sepia, so, I figured I would probably enjoy the other parts. I enjoyed most of them, but this? Not so much.

I do like how you open with a dictionary entry, but then, you continue the rest of this in a somewhat preachy manner. It's not too fun for us! We don't know the speaker, the scenario. All we hear is a gem... that's well... just a gem.


I would suggest you expand on this, dear. It's too shallow for us to appreciate-- not that you have to be extremely deep, you just need to give us something to --for lack of a better word-- read.


It's up to you how to decide to improve this. Perhaps add dialogue, tell us more about the narrator-- anything! As for now, we're pretty much left hanging in the open, dear.


On another note, keep it up, Stori!

June

hi i hope i wont be being to critical but i thought that this story was strange and to short to revel anthing about your writting skills you should make a longer one i thought it was quite boring but i think it would be alot more interesting if you just added some things like how the gem worked or why it worked and what was the point of the story i dident understand it realy i might just be being ignorent but i dident see any real plot to the story



with the best of luck Logan

I must agree with the others. I've flipped through some of your stuff and I know you're rather talented, however this is a bit underwhelming. It's far too short, a bit boring, and could use a bit of work on the dialogue (please, never write the word Grr, change it to "I shut the book, growling" or something)

That said, this piece is still good, I just wish you lengthened it, because you can definitly create a work of great science fiction if you try.

I also look forward to more from the series you've created.
good work, bra.

Mike.

Would you please define "too short!" I don't need a word count; tell me why it's always too short.

Beautiful work!

ive only read this story so far, but i hope to read the others when i get the time it was good, but mostly i'm just responding to the question you asked earlyer, about it being too short... maybe you could add a but more discription.I like to imagine what the character looks like before i imagine them doing anything. thats probably just me though i find its good as a 'attention grabber' and i really want to read more, but just a bit more... 'substance' would make it 10x better.