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Young Writers Society


The clone



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180 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 16930
Reviews: 180
Mon Jul 27, 2009 11:18 pm
pudin.junidf says...



Hi!! THis is a small story I had to do for homework. All i can tell you is that i had to make up a myth. So please, read, review, check, correct if necessary. And if you could help me decide if its science fiction or fantasy fiction.
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I lived in the amazon riverside villages, in an old native tribe. In the amazon villages everything was created in a natural way: the trees grew tall and formed canopies, while the native animals made their homes in the trees tops, avoiding been hunted by men or carnivores. Even children were brought to the world in a natural way: the a couple got married and prayed to the ancient god of fertility to grant them the wish of becoming parents. After months of sacrifices and prayers, their wish was granted and the woman became pregnant, nine months later giving birth to achild.

And those were my beliefs until I went to the city. Two people, who claimed to be doctors, came to the villages and started investigating us, learning our habits, studying our way of living until one day they came to a conclusion: they had chosen one of our tribe to go to the city with them and I was the lucky one. They said I was perfect for the tests; I was healthy, strong, with good muscular mass and an incredible inteligence. I liked learning and this was a perfect opportunity to do so.

I arrived to the city and they instantly took me to a small clinic in which they tested me in several aspects: strength, intelligence, abilities... after that they said that they were going to take a small blood sample from me. I agreed, even though I didn't know what they wanted from me. They left and I was left alone in a white room that only had a chair and a bed. And that was when I saw her. She was tall with huge blue eyes and blonde hair. I figuresd she was about nineteen years old. And beside her, a woman around 26. But they wre amazingly alike, it looked like they were twins but borned years apart. For some reason I got terribly scared.As I approached them, I heard one of the doctors speak
"She is our finest creation. A clone, Our first clone" They say as they hugged the girl and the woman.

It was amazing, humans were creating humans, as if they were gods from the Great High and head come to earth to create a stronger race. I was thrilled that the gods chose me for such thing. I let them finish the tests and the procedures to create a more powerful human race. After a few months of waiting, and having the new more powerful human race in me. I was the host and it finally came the day my clone came. It was exactly like me, a human baby created by human gods.

I got the child to my tribe and she was worshiped like a god. And I was of great respèct because I had given birth to a god; the god of power. As the time went on,the child grew up at an incredible speed. But when she was eighteen and had reached the maturity of age, a terrible illness struck her and died. We were dumbfounded our god had died. My tribe felt they had sinned against our highest god and because of that many committed suicide as an atonement for their terrible mistake. I was expelled from my tribe for being the host of a sinner.

I ran away, faraway and into the thick forest and let myself grow older and alone. But i was going to carry the memory of the god child that lived within me for the rest of eternity.
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine
  





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42 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2358
Reviews: 42
Tue Jul 28, 2009 1:04 am
ridersofdamar says...



this is pretty interesting, but I have a couple of questions. Were you planning on fixing it up and maybe expanding it into a complete story or just looking for a quick review?

As for a critique, Ill do an over all one. The first is that I am not entirely sure what gender the narrator is. I get the feel that its a girl, but i cant be entirely sure.

Second: In the beginning you make it seem like they like the natural aspect, but when the people come, they defy everything that the amazons stand for. In my mind it would be natural to hate them. So it raises further question when the worship the completely artificial child. However, the piece is very short, and if you pay attention I can see hoe it all connects. If it were just a little longer, than it would all much make more sense.

Other than that there were a couple of grammatical errors, like an 'a' missing or something. Other than that there werent many things wrong.

Sorry if that was harsh, im probably not doing a good job making new members feel welcome >.<
Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
  





User avatar
42 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2358
Reviews: 42
Tue Jul 28, 2009 1:09 am
ridersofdamar says...



this is pretty interesting, but I have a couple of questions. Were you planning on fixing it up and maybe expanding it into a complete story or just looking for a quick review?

As for a critique, Ill do an over all one. The first is that I am not entirely sure what gender the narrator is. I get the feel that its a girl, but i cant be entirely sure.

Second: In the beginning you make it seem like they like the natural aspect, but when the people come, they defy everything that the amazons stand for. In my mind it would be natural to hate them. So it raises further question when the worship the completely artificial child. However, the piece is very short, and if you pay attention I can see hoe it all connects. If it were just a little longer, than it would all much make more sense.

Other than that there were a couple of grammatical errors, like an 'a' missing or something. Other than that there werent many things wrong.

Sorry if that was harsh, im probably not doing a good job making new members feel welcome >.<
Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
  








I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart; I am, I am, I am.
— Sylvia Plath