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Young Writers Society


The death.



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Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:33 pm
Blacksocialist says...



Bob Doyle sighed has he shuffled his report papers. He brushed his long auburn hair out of his eyes as he began to read. He didn't know why he did this, since he had read this report over 30 times. He sat back in his chair and stared coldly at the boy sitting across from him, wearing a blindfold and seperated by a wall of glass. Bod leaned forward and pressed the intercom button, and spoke.

"Darrian,we have been in here for seven hours. I need answers. Why did you kill your parents?" He asked, his voice tired. Darrian, a tall, skinny boy of african descent, rose his head. He smiled slightly, and leaned forward, speaking into the microphone that was placed infront of him.

"I've told you already-I wanted to test the extent of my powers,"
"Thats not a good enough answer,"

Darrian did not reply. Bob had never had a case like this. There were many cases of Mutants attacking humans-but this was different. Darrian had a power that he had never seen before.

"Darrian, can you explain to me your powers again?" Bob asked.

Darrian shifted in his chair, his arms bound, and tried to get into a comfortable position.

"I can control people," He said plainly.
"How?" Bob asked.
"My eyes. They look into my eyes and then they are trapped in my illusion"

Bob sighed. He had heard this before. But It made no sense.
He was getting nowhere with this case.

"Goodbye, Darrian." Bob said, strecthing as he got up from his seat.
Darrian nodded, and slumped his head to the side.

Darrian smiled to himself. It was only a matter of time before he was freed. Bob was under his control now. The blindfold limited his powers, but it did not cancel them out.
The only thing he regretted was telling the policce his power-the power of his eyes.

Bob silently poured himself some coffee. He looked at the clock. 12 AM. He was tired.
He heard familliar footsteps approaching from behind him.

"Janet." he said plainly. He liked Janet, she was nice, attractive, and smart. She had worked on many Mutant cases with him, and they had grown to become close friends.

"How's Darrian?" She asked. She looked beautiful. She no matter how tired she was, it never showed.

"I can't get through to him," He replied, shaking his head.
"I don't know why they don't just execute him, he killed his parents. And he is a mutant.
I dont know why we have to investigate" he said.

"You know how it is," She replied, smiling.
"The social activist groups have been giving us trouble, and we cant just lock em' up like we used to."

Bob nodded. He opened a drawer, and felt around, intill his hands felt something cold, sharp. Scissors. He turned suddenly, and fell upon Janet. She screamed, but it was too late. He had stabbed her through the throat, her warm blood staining his clothes.

"Why did I do that" He thought aloud. Keys. He wanted keys. Darrian. He knew where they were. He walked out from the room he was in, and saw two of his coworkers running towards him.

"Bob! we heard a scream-" the man started, but stopped has he looked at Bob, covered in blood, and his eyes started down Bobs arm, stopping at his hands, which held the scissors.

Kill. Kill them. Free Darrian. Bob hurtled forward, stabbing the first man in the stomach.
The man fell to the ground, blood pouring from his wound. The second man attempted to stop bob, grabbing his arm.

No. You cannot be stopped. Free Darrian. Keys.

Bob knee'd the man in the groin, and the man doubled over. His arm, now free, had no trouble sending the scissors into the back of the mans head.

Forward. Keys. Room ahead. Password is "Pots". Keys for cell number 344. Free Darrian.

Bob entered the password. He entered the room. He had the keys.

Free Darrian.

He could hear people screaming, someone called for the police.

He walked past them, ignoring the chaos. Darrian.

He came into Darrian's cell. The glass wall seperating them.

Darrian smiled.

Bob freed Darrian. freeing him from his bonds.

"Thank you, Mr. Doyle." Darrian said, as he rose.

Bob then ended himself, stabbing his heart with the scissors.

Darrian laughed. He could realized that not only could he control people with his eyes, but also with his voice.

Police entered the room. Pointing guns.

"Kill everyone in this building. Today, I will take over." Darrian said as he pulled off his blindfold, his violet eyes shined.

The policemen faltered, then stood up straight.
"Yes sir". They replied.
They left the room, and Darrian smiled as he heard the screams of the ones who had tried to kill them, and the bullets that were sealed they're fate.
  





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Thu Feb 11, 2010 1:01 am
studious samus says...



man i love a good story like this! these days there just are to many happily ever afters. Gota love a good ol villain wins sometimes :]. The only mistake i noticed while reading was in the first paragraph you called him bob and then bod. bod should be bob. Also the last line doesnt make sense "the bullets that were sealed they're fate". That needs rephrasing.
Otherwise great job! If you really wanted this could be the start of an amazing book 0.-
happy endings are stories that haven't been finished yet
got YWS?
  





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Thu Feb 11, 2010 1:42 am
Blacksocialist says...



lol yeah sorry, I'm using a laptop I'm not used tooooooooo.
The last line should be "He smiled has he heard the screams of the people that tried to kill him"
  





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Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:10 pm
JSPike says...



Wow, great work. :) I really liked this, especially Darrian, he was very sinister!

Make sure you check over your work though before you post. In quite a few places I noticed words that were out of tense. Like:

They left the room, and Darrian smiled as he heard the screams of the ones who had tried to kill them, and the bullets that were sealed they're fate.


It should be either: "the bullets that were sealing their fate," or "the bullets that sealed their fate." You're got the wrong "their" as well: it's not "they're". Just make sure you check over everything, I noticed it in a few other places, but I'm sure you can find them yourself.

Anyway, I really liked this. Keep up the good work! :)
JSPike
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Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:21 pm
kamorama says...



My only problem really with the text was this;

He opened a drawer, and felt around, intill his hands...


It should be until, but I'm pretty sure that's just a typo. Other then that, it was great! I really found it interesting that you put the main character (at the moment) as the villain. Interesting.
"'It is some time since I last heard the sound of your shears. How long have you been Eavesdropping?'

'Eavesdropping, sir? I don't follow you, begging your pardon. There ain't no eaves at Bag End and that's a fact!'"

- Sam Gamgee and Gandalf the Grey. The Fellowship of the Ring, Pg. 70.
  





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Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:02 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hi BlackSocialist,
I am in total awe.The story is looking like a masterpiece.i have one problem.
'The second man attempted to stop bob, grabbing his arm.' It should be Bob ith capital "B". Otherwise a great job!!!!!!
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Thu Mar 04, 2010 2:37 pm
skutter11 says...



Is there a chapter two?
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?
  








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