Last edited by PhoenixBishop on Tue May 18, 2010 7:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.
Great story! This is a gross story so if that's what you're looking for, you'll definately get an A. You just need some touch ups on grammmar and paragraph breaks. PM me if you have any questions about either. Good Luck! ~Sionarama
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!" Not all princesses are pink sparkles. Exhibit A
So I read this piece, and I thought your idea was really cool. xD Like seriously. I liked how you used the assistant. She played a HUGE role in this story without making it seem so obvious, so the reader doesn't pay as much attention to her. That makes the ending seem more eye-popping. Well-done with her!
Here are a few tips I'd like to point out. I took some extra time with this review because it was for class and it's due tomorrow, so hopefully it at least makes a little sense. XD
Introduction
First, I thought the hook/first sentence dragged on for quite a bit, and thus it isn't as strong as it could be. It's the last part "...prattled on about how her boyfriend didn't love her" that made the sentence such a mouthful; so perhaps try to make the sentence more concise.
The entire introduction itself feels like.. well, to put it simply, an info-dump. xD I feel like a whole bunch of information (in long sentences, too) is being forced down my eyeballs. But the concept of the introduction is excellent, so just work around those two points. Definitely the hook and long sentences moreso than the info-dump because you can make info-dumps work well if you use them right!
Presentations
The presentation here was very short and brief. Writing speeches (like when Dr. Milton introduces his invention) are difficult to write, but I think you can make that better if you focused on it more. I'd imagine he'd feel very confident that it will work, so try to have him (and you as the writer/narrator) build the suspense and get people excited. Then when the machine fails to work, it'll be a much more suspenseful and heart-wrenching end to the presentation. There will be long pauses of silence (except for maybe the assistant crying) and then they'll leave.
Basically, as it is now, it's a bland presentation that can be much more interesting. Expressing Dr. Milton's character here would help a lot, such as if he's charismatic, confident, etc.
Conclusion
I was both satisfied and confused when I read the ending. I was satisfied because it answered questions, but I was confused because it also answered questions that didn't exist. XD I don't remember the old guys, the assistant, and Dr. Milton all.. dyyying, I guess. He watched these on the security cameras... so does that mean what we read earlier wasn't what really happened? If that's the case (which is perfectly awesome), then I'm not sure what happened still. It wasn't explained very clearly.
And also, this may be a personal preference, but the last paragraph seemed to be just a list of answers. It's like... getting a math problem to solve when the answer's just on the back. It suddenly feels like we wasted time figuring out what happened because the answer is right there under our noses. I guess what I'm thinking is maybe instead of saying exactly what happened, give us hints throughout the piece. Make them very clear so that the reader finds itself thinking, "Ooer, this is probably important. I wonder why..." Then the story ends on a "dun, dun, duun" or "d'oh, way to go Milton", and the reader gets the satisfied feeling of successfully figuring out what the story is about. (I'm probably making this too complicated, so I'll just stop. XD)
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Those are the three points I felt I would make. Fixing your grammar will help you a lot when editing this piece. Feel free to PM me if you want a grammarcheck. I'm more than willing to do so! Good luck in class!
Hi there. Just saw this and how it only had two reviews, so I decided to stop in and give it a review.
First off, I have to agree with Jabberhut when she says that fixing your grammar will help a lot. The grammar mistakes were bogging me down as I was trying to read it. If you can patch that up, you'll probably improve quite a few things.
The next thing I have to say is that I think you need to work on your sentence structure. Your sentences really don't seem to flow very well. At times, they seem to just kind of fall forward, or are clunky. Try editing to focus on giving this whole thing a real flow, and I think that will fix up a lot of your problems as well.
The final thing I would suggest is to work on your dialogue. The dialogue presented here just really doesn't seem that real to me. It seems kind of wooden and fake. I don't hold the opinion that real people talk like this. Try to liven it up a bit. Make these characters come alive through what they're saying.
It's a good start you have here. You just need to tinker with it a little and rewrite it. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
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