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Project Kratos



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Fri Jun 18, 2010 10:18 am
RoachRedford! says...



Hey there guys. I haven't submitted anything for a while and this is something I just whipped up tonight. Wanted to know what you guys thought. I like it so far and plan to continue writing it so give me as much advice as you want! There is a fair bit of text there so read as much or as little as you'd like. Please try to read the whole thing. Cheers.

“I’m not quite sure you understand this fully Jack,” he said, pushing me inside the door and closing it behind him, “The tech that could evolve from this would change everything. It would change the way we eat, the way we entertain ourselves, hell it would definitely change the way we fight.”
“That’s the part I’m most concerned about. If this research gets out into the hands of the military, it could be catastrophic!” I said, not backing down from Dr. Carter. Although Steven Carter was at least half a foot taller and double my breadth his pleading eyes gave me some kind of reason to not feel fear.
“Please, I can’t take this to the Council without you, I’ve got no cred with them,” said Carter, moving deeper into the lab and turning on the lights.
“For good reason Steve, I’m not taking this data to the Council or the US Military,” I said, picking up my bag and heading towards the door. The lock on it flicked to red. “Unlock the door Steven, don’t be so childish.”
“Jack, this is 2056! We’ve been working on this for ten whole years and now it blossoms and you’re going to walk away? You’d walk away from something that would put us in the history books forever?” asked Carter, sitting down at his desk.
“Yeah, I would, without a second thought. Steve, this could be devastating, look at what the Manhattan Project did to the world all those years ago,” my hand had dipped into my bag, gripping the pistol inside tightly. In the mirror behind Steven I could see him gripping a revolver under the desk.
“You think blackmatter would do that to the world now? We’ve got global peace Jack! You see it every day with all the GCC soldiers on the street.”
“Bullshit,” I said, drawing the gun and letting him know I was serious, “The Global Confederate Council is nothing but a mass propaganda factory.”
Now Carter had his weapon in plain view, “You’re such a stubborn asshole Jack, and you’ll be remembered for it. Imagine that, poor Professor Jack Thane dies in a blackmatter energy detonation in the Global Confederate Council’s labs on Orion Five.
“Now that would be quite the uproar for the GCC to handle; their leading scientist, killed by his own experiment on the largest orbit colony of Earth.”
I lowered my gun, “Think about that Steven, you have no idea what blackmatter energy does outside mass transport. A blackmatter fuelled detonation could destroy Earth for all we know!”
“You just don’t get it!” Carter yelled, waving his gun threateningly, “I don’t give a shit! If I can’t take this tech to the Council with you, I’ll take the data I need, totally discredit your name with a horrific accident and then in five years time,” he waved his hands as if to imitate his name in lights, “Dr. Steven Carter discovers the secrets of blackmatter energy manipulation.”
“Go to hell,” I said, and pulled the trigger.
Click.
“That might have stopped me,” said Steven with a laugh, “Shame it’s not loaded.” He tossed my empty magazine across the lab. The door behind unlocked from the outside from someone using their key card and Carter stashed the gun.
An Asian scientist whose name I couldn’t remember came inside and I dashed out, walking briskly down the hall to the elevator, Steven’s laptop clunking into mine in my shoulder bag.
As the elevator descended my heart rate began to do the same. My temples stopped throbbing and my breathing came back to normal, all very slowly.
For ten years, Steven and I had been working on a new kind of energy sourced from a dying star twenty years before. This energy, known as blackmatter energy, had no mass, no set width and did not reflect light. The only way to view pure blackmatter energy was by pumping electricity through it.
We had discovered that blackmatter energy could transfer its properties to other objects when stimulated correct by nuclear fission. Once an object had no mass, it could travel faster than light itself and this had been a tremendous breakthrough.
Neither we nor the Council had the guts to attempt any FTL travel with humans involved so the project ended there, officially. Unofficially, we had been recommissioned to investigate the potential military applications for blackmatter energy and out discoveries were phenomenal.
Blackmatter was able to not only eliminate the mass of an object, but increase it, and due to this the GCC developed the first ‘shielded’ armour suit. This suit, which bore more resemblance to a NASCAR racer’s getup than medieval armour, was powered by blackmatter energy, and also created a bubble of air with increased mass around itself. Although prolonged exposure to gunfire, electricity and natural fire wore down this barrier, it was put into global military practice a year after its conception.
Just after this, I had found that using a small amount of blackmatter, projectiles could be fired from a conventional firearm. Not only did this provide caseless ammunition it allowed the bullets to be fired at speeds never even comprehended before. In some cases, the bullet hit the target before the shooter felt the recoil. Needless to say, this came to be used by the GCC even quicker than the armour augment.
Then, one month before now, Carter used my findings in combination with his own research on black holes to find a way to funnel blackmatter energy down a pre-defined route. This created the first weapon grade laser.
That project was called, ‘Kratos’ and sealed by myself under an administrative code that no other could open. I saw Kratos as too dangerous to be released to the GCC, especially since we discovered that Kratos could burn through any material known to man. In theory, if a large enough versions of Kratos was created and used, it could create a blackmatter energy field, found in the dead centre of black holes. The field would subsequently create a black hole down which the laser would travel.
If Kratos was directed down a funnel with the infinite size of a black hole, it would expand perpetually. This meant that if it came out the other side, the universe would simply cease to exist.
So now I jogged towards my car. It unlocked automatically thanks to a microchip inserted in my left forearm. Everyone on Orion Five had one. They did everything, from hold passwords to unlocking doors and even making telephone calls for you.
I got in, panting heavily. I had to stop Steven but I couldn’t do anything that night, it was too late, almost midnight. I decided to go home, sleep and visit the Council in the morning with the request of a partner change.
Then I could even destroy all evidence of Kratos on each of our computers, leaving no trace of the awesomely powerful project. With shaky hands I slipped the key into the ignition and turned it. The car thrummed to life and I began to drive home just as Steven emerged at the base of the building.
Hatred burned in his eyes.
It's not the fall that kills you.

GENERATION 31: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
  





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Fri Jun 18, 2010 6:14 pm
Lauren2010 says...



Hey there! I'm Lauren, and I'm here to review!

This was really interesting! I like the concept, and it's very well written. I especially like the conflict between the two scientists, and the ease in which the setting is described. Not a major info-dump in sight! :D

“Jack, this is 2056! We’ve been working on this for ten whole years and now it blossoms and you’re going to walk away? You’d walk away from something that would put us in the history books forever?” asked Carter, sitting down at his desk.

The mention of the exact year is a little jarring, and took me out of the story a bit. I think you would be fine leaving "2056" out of the story.

Now Carter had his weapon in plain view, “You’re such a stubborn asshole Jack, and you’ll be remembered for it. Imagine that, poor Professor Jack Thane dies in a blackmatter energy detonation in the Global Confederate Council’s labs on Orion Five.

“Now that would be quite the uproar for the GCC to handle; their leading scientist, killed by his own experiment on the largest orbit colony of Earth.”

Okay, at first I thought it was Carter saying that second bit of dialogue, but now I'm not so sure. If it is Carter, it should be connected up at the end of the last paragraph. If it is Jack, then that should be clarified.

Steven Carter
Alright, so the narrator switched between referring to him as Steven and as Carter. It was confusing, at one point I thought there was some random guy there that I had missed before. Pick one and stick with it through the story.

One last thing. Is the end of this the end? Or is there something else to come? I'm leaning toward assuming that there is more to come, since the ending is very open-ended. If not, then there needs to be some complete resolution of the plot, which there isn't as is. But like I said, I'm feeling like there is more.

Great job and keep writing!

-Lauren-
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Sun Jun 27, 2010 3:40 am
Evi says...



Hello Redford! You say that you want to continue writing this, so I'm not sure whether it's supposed to be a self-contained short story or a snippet of a larger project. This will affect my review slightly, so adjust accordingly. ;)

Firstly, commas! Use them whenever there'd be a natural pause. For example:

“I’m not quite sure you understand this fully, Jack,” he said, pushing me inside the door and closing it behind him, [period here] “The tech that could evolve from this would change everything. It would change the way we eat, the way we entertain ourselves, [semi-colon here] hell, it would definitely change the way we fight.”


Aside from the other too grammar errors, you've missed commas. When you address someone as in the first sentence, you take a short pause before saying their name. Same with interjections such as "hell" in the last. Read your dialogue aloud if you need to.

You also use a lot of comma splices. A comma splice is when you use a comma to separate two full sentences, such as:

“For good reason Steve, I’m not taking this data to the Council or the US Military,” I said, picking up my bag and heading towards the door. The lock on it flicked to red. “Unlock the door Steven, don’t be so childish.”


Both pieces of dialogue need either semi-colons (;) or periods. Here's and article on semi-colons I wrote last year. Skim it if you need more help with comma splices.

I lowered my gun, “Think about that Steven, you have no idea what blackmatter energy does outside mass transport. A blackmatter fuelled detonation could destroy Earth for all we know!”


By beginning with that bit about lowering his gun, it makes it seem like the narrator is the one who begins talking, but I'm not sure if that's how it it. Consider labeling your dialgoue. It'll make it easier to keep track of the conversation.

:arrow: Overall

I agree with Lauren that you need to stick with one name: Dr. Carter or Steven. I was confused as to which character was which.

I'm intrigued by the idea. Normally I'd complain about the info dump at the end, but I suppose it is kind of necessary, for the plot and conflict to make sense. I was a bit surprised when they brought out the guns-- their argument didn't seem capable of reaching that scale, to me, so you'll want to heighten the anger and desperation in these men. If they're willing to kill, they're going to be yelling more, talking more, making more hand gestures and facial expressions. Right now their conversation seems a little muted, especially for how high these stakes are. Also, your narrator seems alarmingly willing to shoot his colleague with no second thoughts. He doesn't even say "Don't make me have to do this" or "I'm warning you, Carter, I'll shoot". Instead he pulls the trigger with no qualms. This makes his character confusing, because he's trying to keep the peace by preventing such a catastrophic weapon to be used, and yet he's willing to kill on a whim?

I like your characters, and I like the conflict. If you work on smoothing over the tension and reactions in their debate, I'd be interesting in reading more!

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
  





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Sun Jun 27, 2010 5:47 pm
Nate says...



I think Evi and Lauren caught most of the story-telling and grammar snafus, so I'm going to concentrate mostly on the sci-fi aspect of it.

The Setting
The year for this story is 2056, which isn't believable. While sci-fi always involves some amount of disbelief, there's rational disbelief and ludicrous disbelief. This happening in 2056 is ludicrous; you should either set it for the late 21st century or the early 22nd century.

It also doesn't make sense within the realm of the story itself. You make it clear that FTL travel has not developed yet. You also say the blackmatter was sourced from a dying star 10 years prior to the start of the story. So, the blackmatter was found in 2046. The nearest star to the sun is 5 light years away. At speeds just below FTL, that's a 10 year round trip at a minimum. So that means that between 2010 and 2041, there was a huge leap forward in tech. It also means that the scientists had only been working on blackmatter for 5 years, not 10.

The Science
Blackmatter is clearly made up, which is fine; Star Trek made up red matter. But in addition to the space travel stuff (discussed above), there's the weapons grade laser that also doesn't make sense. The reason Kratos doesn't make sense is because we already have weapons grade lasers. They're not super-powerful yet, but they are currently deployed on the battlefield.

Besides, the two scientists are arguing about using blackmatter for military applications, when it's already being used for military applications. Unless the scientists are idiots (and maybe they are!), this doesn't make sense.


Change the year, the reason the scientists are arguing, and the laser thing, and this story will be much better. As it is, it shows significant promise.
  





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Mon Jun 28, 2010 10:21 am
RoachRedford! says...



Thankyou so much everyone for this. As of now, I have made these changes and will re-upload very soon;
- Switched from 1st person to 3rd person
- re-edited some conversational errors
- tried to allow for suspended disbelief by changing some key facts
- and I have written about 5,000 words so far
Thanks again to you guys for the advice, I'll PM you once I re-upload the changes.
~R
It's not the fall that kills you.

GENERATION 31: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
  





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Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:27 pm
silentpages says...



Wow. This is really interesting to me... Fantastic premise, although I didn't entirely get exactly how KRATOS was supposed to work/destroy the universe. Maybe I wasn't reading it carefully enough. XD I agree with a lot of what Nate said...

I was loving the beginning, but then we got to the part with the guns. Like I think someone else mentioned, I'm not sure the argument was escalating fast enough for them to resort to guns right away. Especially in a setting with 'global peace' and everything. Should they even be carrying guns? I'd be fine with it as long as there was a reason - guns to protect them from psychos trying to break in and steal tech, for example. But to just have guns in your bag and under the desk... :\
Also, were they using blackmatter bullets, or regular ones? o.O

Then there was the huge infodump, where you restated a lot of the information we'd just been given, adding in new information alongside. Prior to that, I was loving how much you were giving us just through the dialogue. Maybe find a way to smooth in the information a little more...

And then we got here:
"... got in, panting heavily. I had to stop Steven but I couldn’t do anything that night, it was too late, almost midnight. I decided to go home, sleep and visit the Council in the morning with the request of a partner change."
Let's think about this for a second. He and his partner/friend(?) just pulled GUNS on each other. Fighting over a HUGE scientific development. And then he goes home to sleep because it's past his bedtime? o.O That doesn't make much sense to me. At least with the reasoning I'm given...
Wouldn't he either call the cops, or go see this Council thing and demand to talk to someone RIGHT NOW? Unless there's a reason for his delaying, like if he doesn't want to go to the Council because if he tries to report his partner, they'll find out about KRATOS and want to use it anyway? Either way, I don't think he'd just go HOME.
Considering his angry, gun-weilding partner probably knows where he lives.

Those were the main things I noticed.... Other than that, I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes. ^^
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Sat Jul 17, 2010 9:16 pm
spiderman says...



Wow! The start of this was professionally written. Whether or not it was scientifically accurate, I don't know. I'll leave that to Nate. I didn't like towards the middle when they pulled out the gun. Would a science lab or even the government in the time of world peace allow the citizens to carry guns?

Oh, and since this is sci-fi and especially for this story a date is not necessary. In fact, putting dates in pieces like this kind of annoy me.

The name got confusing at one part: Was he Carter? or Steven? Or maybe Steven Carter? Or even Carter Steven? I would just stick to using one name or at least say his full name once.

Overall, nicely written. Don't stop writing i want to read more. Pm me when you post more.


~Spiderman~
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

WHISPERS IN THE DARK LYRICS - SKILLET
  





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Sun Jul 18, 2010 1:19 pm
Prosithion says...



In short, this has the potential to be brilliant.

Now, I love reading sci-fi that makes scientific sense. I mean, I'm no rocket scientist, but I like your science. It makes sense to me.

I do have a few grammar quibbles. Spell check is great, but if the wrong word is spelled correctly, spell check won't pick it up. there were a few places where the text was wrong.

I would draw out the sciency stuff over a larger part of the story. All of the back story crammed into this short space tends to lose the reader's interest. Try smattering it throughout your story, to ease the reader into it.

Other then that, brilliant.

I will be reading more, count on it. If I forget, pm me and tell me that you posted more.

Cheers,
Pros
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

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I say Wolf, for all wolves are not of the same sort; there is one kind with an amenable disposition – neither noisy, nor hateful, nor angry, but tame, obliging and gentle, following the young maids in the streets, even into their homes. Alas! Who does not know that these gentle wolves are of all such creatures the most dangerous!
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