z
The Silent Aviator wrote:A brief, but good invasion thriller.
Well-written. Personally, I would've liked to see more backstory, though. Why are the aliens attacking? What is their "objective"?
...Just my opinion.
The invading force, clad in heavy metallic armor, had arrived the previous night, with orders to seize the defenseless trading post and pave the way for more troops to come through on their route.
Skewered two what? The third (what?) fell in surprise. The word choice for prone is kind of strange, especially if the door killed him (was the scardey cat still alive?). Prone is a strange word choice; it suggests that he landing on his stomach on purpose, instead of falling there after the impact.The huge, jagged door skewered two on impact and the third fell back in surprise, landing prone on his armored back.
When I first read that, I thought that Torpid landed on the third soldier.Torpid was on him in a flash, his dual pistols in hand, pointed at the horrified face of the alien invader.
I'll write it differently, adding another comma and get rid of the "a." Getting rid of "a" will get rid of another what question. (— a yellow green...? color... duh). It was yellow green, and the skin was rough, resembling a lizard’s hide. It was one of the uglier ones.It was a yellow green, rough and resembling a lizard’s hide.
Why? By giving more information about that, you might let us know his character more than just what his occupation is.The human almost thought twice before squeezing the trigger of his left pistol.
First of all, that's fragment. Fragments aren't always bad, but when you have a sentence that is fragmented because both of the sentences would be too long together, the only way to make that better is to chop off some adjectives and get to the point quicker. That would not make it such a strange sentence.But then he thought of the women and children above them in the battered buildings, still in hiding and he knew that this monstrosity before him would not have given there lives so much thought.
He killed the alien. I'm just making sure, because your way was a fancy way of saying something so simple. After that one alien's death, all of the other aliens fled? Because there's no more carnage, and no more death. All of the aliens are gone. Drat.He pulled the trigger and stood up, glad that he had lessened the ranks of the enemy.
“Does it ever get to you to though?” She asked when they had finally come to the entrance of the cellar from which they had entered.
How can you suddenly turn joyous, when you haven't showed any emotion? Joyous is a bad word. BAD WORD! A description is better to accompany the adjective. I don't suppose he looked like anything once his voice changed? The same goes for Kilie above.“Nope, sorry.” The mercenary replied, suddenly turning joyous in his words.
Torpid wrote:Aviator, The Alien's are attacking because o' this jemstone which is important for some reason......
Gender:
Points: 990
Reviews: 139