Young Writers Society

The dust from the side of the street filled the air as a man shuffled past with his head hanging. He was Krash, and he was, as he always was, in debt. But this time, he did not get off so easily. He had failed his creditor, Faer, the king of the brauges, and he was wanted for it by the irritable King.
The dust clung to him as he continued traversing the streets of Jaserd, the biggest port on the arid planet of Ooz. It was the gathering place for all the scum of the galaxy who had, in one way or another, fallen afoul of the law. They were here for adventure, going to places unheard of to all but themselves. Krash blindly made his way up a slope of logs to his home.
Krash’s home was built of foul smelling furs that acted as walls. The door, there was no door, was of the same material. He entered his home and looked up, straight into the face of Hera, Faer’s henchman.
“Yousa payhing nohw,” Hera said menacingly, pointing a gun at Krash’s chest.
“Maybe Faer can wait a little longer, Hera” Krash replied, pushing Hera at a cupboard, causing Hera to drop his gun. There was a mad scramble for it by both of them. It landed in Krash’s hand, and he stood to aim, but Hera slipped under the furs and disappeared.
Krash sat down on his bed with the gun in his hand, wondering what to do. He knew that Hera would go to Faer and they would come and get rid of him. Without wasting a moment, he took his gun, Hera’s gun, and all the ammunitions in the house and left at a run for Frost Garage, five kilometers away.
Frost Garage was the largest garage ever built in Ooz. It was partially underground to protect the ships stored inside from overheating.
Krash slowed into a walk at the entrance of the garage and nearly walked into a four armed droid covered in fur, “Hello A1, Where’s Bjorn?” A1 told him. Following A1’s directions, he entered dock 1045, where Bjorn and his mechanic, Hoste, were repairing their ship, the Star of Ooz. Bjorn was Krash’s best friend, and they often paired together to complete jobs for Faer.
“Helly, kresy,” he said,
“Helli, bjorn, when are you going to fly again?” Krash asked, and then related what just happened.
“Oh” Bjorn said, somewhat dazed, “we can fly anytime now, where do you want to go?”
“Greesh region” Krash said, and then changed the subject, “remember the story of Kudus?”
“Kudus?” Bjorn asked, puzzled.
“It’s a Brauges legend” Krash replied, “about a diamond with its own atmosphere, if I find it, I will pay off my debt, you see?”
“Oh” Bjorn replied “ah A1, your back, give me that, and carry in the stores.” Turning to Krah, he said, “this is a map I computed. We’re going to upload it to my ship. Come aboard.”
They had just taken in all necessary stores, when three brauges, wearing the badges of Faer, ran in with leveled guns. “Hoste! Start the engines,” Bjorn hollered towards his ship, before turning on the brauges with his walking stick. “NOW!” he screamed, when he realized Hoste had not yet obeyed.
At that moment, Krash came off the ship and shot the dock’s door control panel, shutting the door. “Good shot, brother” Bjorn said “Now we have to take care of them”, referring to the brauges. Taking the three brauges onto the ship, Bjorn bound them tightly and threw them into separate hold compartments, saying that together they could escape.
They then shot off the dock pad towards space, having during that time managed to have a heated argument with Hoste, warning him of terrible consequences did he ever do such a thing again. Near the edge of the atmosphere were some ships that had cruised there on Faer’s orders. “Hey you there,” the captain of the ship nearest the Star of Ooz said over the transmitter to Bjorn, “stop there, HEY, I SAID STOOOOOOO---, where are they now?” At this moment, the Star of Ooz had hyper-spaced out of sight. “Your Majesty,” he relayed too Faer’s throne room, “the Star of Ooz has just entered hyperspace, shall we follow?” “Falllow, Is I say,” Faer replied. “Yes your majesty, ---into hyperspace, now. Cut that transmitter, would you?”, and it followed the Star of Ooz into space.
.......the other part is unknown....the history has been lost due to time....must have some ideas on how to write the next part out...
THE END

Well, I liked the story and it's very exciting. The plot is interesting and I mainly don't care about grammar if I am to read a wonderful story. Then, if I feel something weird, it will be the last sentence.

Besides having to say "Yes", you may want to add something more to describe Krash's feelings. Then, you said that he lay there dying, then maybe end it with he closed his eyes with a contended smile..Something like that...I wonder if I had help in your checking of "something wrong"...

fruityminyi wrote:Well, I liked the story and it's very exciting. The plot is interesting and I mainly don't care about grammar if I am to read a wonderful story. Then, if I feel something weird, it will be the last sentence.

Besides having to say "Yes", you may want to add something more to describe Krash's feelings. Then, you said that he lay there dying, then maybe end it with he closed his eyes with a contended smile..Something like that...I wonder if I had help in your checking of "something wrong"...

Yeah, now i see it:P

Hey Z! I promise to do a review soon, keep looking at this spot for it!

EDIT:

The dust clung to him as he walked on through the streets of Jaserd, the only port in the small desert planet of Ooz, the place where adventurers of all kinds began their trips to the yet unmapped and unexplored regions, but as fast as the man walked, the dust still clung to him, as wearily, he made his way up a flight of stairs to his house, or what he called his house, for it was an atrociously run down place.

Woah, woah, way too long! This whole thing is one sentence, and I’m quit sure you’ll agree that it needs some snipping. Look at what you’ve got here, identify how many ideas you’re expressing and then find a way for each idea to have its own sentence. Try something like this:

The dust clung to him as he walked on through the streets of Jaserd, the only port in the small desert planet of Ooz. It was the place where adventurers of all kinds began their trips to the yet unmapped and unexplored regions.
The dust piled on him just as fast as he could brush it off, so it was a very weary, bedraggled figure that made its way up a flight of broken steps to a run down house.

See? I condensed, cut and spliced you ideas into a mere three sentences. However, you still have a problem there with the dust. The thing is…there’s too much! Haha, actually, I’m being serious, you mention it twice within a single paragraph, which, in writing, is called ‘redundant’ and is not really useful to your work. Try replacing the second one with another word, like ‘grit’ or ‘dirt’. Better yet, remove it entirely and express the idea of dirt.

Krash clapped his hands and watched the cloud of dust idly settle, then he moved on, blinking rapidly and rubbing his hands.

In that sentence, I used the word ‘dust’ only once and still managed to get three ideas out of it: dust in a cloud, dust in the eyes and dust on his hands.

Reaching the door, he unlocked it. Pushing his way through the creaking door, and the many hangings in front of it, he entered his abode.

Once again, you’re being redundant, not with words but with ideas. He reaches the door, goes through it and then finally enter his ‘abode’ (I suggest you replace that word) Try consolidating these two sentences into one and shrinking the whole opening-entering idea into one verb, as opposed to three.

Krash pushed the creaking door aside, and stepped into the filmy gloom.

Here I use the word ‘filmy’ to indicate that there is dust in the gloom. See? Putting in the idea of dust without even mentioning the word.

The word seemed to revolve around him, everywhere, his thoughts turned towards the distant past, it was just nineteen years ago, when he was five, that he had dream, to find a great planet, whose main and only ingredient was to be diamonds.

Once again, you need to cut this sentence down to size.

It was known that Krash was so familiar with the places within the first one million kilometers radius from Ooz, that nobody disputed what about what he said about it.

Since space is infinite, you might want to think along the terms of systems or planets, instead of the vague and planar ‘million kilometer radius’ idea. Try this.

Krash knew every planet in the Alpha system like the back of his grimy hand…

Also, you made a mistake with that one phrase, “nobody disputed what about what he said about it.” I think you meant, “nobody disputed what he said about it.”

After this part, you start the story and journey with Bjorn’s offer. However, you must take a few things into consideration. The reward for finding this planet is very small, so Kresh is very unlikely to accept. Also, he’s only just finished another adventure, and that one ended in failure. I think you should have a much longer dialogue between the two, and have Bjorn make offers of money or precious things to him (Maybe there is some secret diamond mine on the planet, or something valuable Kresh wants).
After this, you bring in two other characters, A1 and A2, but that’s about all you do with them. Explain to us why they are furry. Are they aliens? Are they robots? (A1 says some very smart things regarding the crystalline makeup of the planet, which nearly led me to believe he was a robot)
The very last paragraph is full of action, but it goes too fast, and there was no transition. Every sentence brings in an entirely new idea or action: not good!
Try going a little slower over that part, describing the fight scene and Kresh’s emotions. He must feel sad about his friends, regretful over his bad choice of adventure, scared of the brauges, scared of death…you get the picture.

OK, overall, you did quite well for a beginner. You need to work on:
1. Dialogue. The words don’t sound like they’re being spoken by a person; almost as if they were mechanic or automatic.
2. Character introduction and management. Try describing the characters’ little quirks, phrases of speech, appearances and actions a little more. Don’t do too much and info-dump the reader, but at least a little information is necessary.
3. Action. You tend to skip over actions, or describe them offhandedly (After Bjorn, A1, A2, and Krash had shot three of the brauges down…) Try thinking them out a little more thoroughly, or add some thoughts and feelings to slow things down.
4. Transition. This is the fading part, the bit between the scenes. It helps the reader move on from one action or idea to a new one.
5. Plot. So far, you have a haggard space pilot going out with his life-long friend and two furry alien\robots and dying on the diamond planet of his dreams.
Not bad.
But not good either. Put conflict in there with more than a few brauges. Make the space trip longer, have him suspect the alien\robots of being in league with the bragues, have them land on a ‘false alarm’ planet and fight meanish, greenish aliens there.
Be crazy, go wild, after all, it is Science Fiction.

Anyways, good job, keep writing!

ok, Jenthura, right now i'm editing the story, it may take awhile, as i broke my right wrist...

Have one thing to point out.

A!,

I think you must've been holding down the shift key. No worries!

its possible to have been caps-lock :P

Heh, there's a lot that's wrong with this story ZYLF! But that's okay; it's the same with all of us.

Firstly though, please watch your grammar even in normal posts! Online, we only have grammar to judge others by. So inevitably, people with good grammar get treated with more respect than those who don't. That may not be entirely right, but that's the way things are. Plus, this is a writers site

In any case, Jenthura caught a ton of it. As he explained, you have run-on sentences, misspelled words, and a whole host of other grammatical problems. Just fixing that stuff up will make this story much better.

So to add on to what Jenthura has said, here's my take:

I like the plot a lot. Krash is a sci-fi version of Orellano and Pirarro, and their quest for the legendary City of Gold in the Americas.

But what you have here is really just that: the plot. It's a good plot so I hope you continue to work on it, but it needs fleshing out. First, why does Krash think there's a planet made of diamonds? For the Spanish, they thought there was a City of Gold because of legends passed to them by the Aztecs and Incans. So for Krash, perhaps there's an ancient alien civilization with legends about a planet of diamonds.

After that, you just need to spend more time fleshing out everything. Every paragraph in your story has the potential to be a full chapter, and so now your job is to just add details.

Nate wrote:Heh, there's a lot that's wrong with this story ZYLF! But that's okay; it's the same with all of us.

Firstly though, please watch your grammar even in normal posts! Online, we only have grammar to judge others by. So inevitably, people with good grammar get treated with more respect than those who don't. That may not be entirely right, but that's the way things are. Plus, this is a writers site

In any case, Jenthura caught a ton of it. As he explained, you have run-on sentences, misspelled words, and a whole host of other grammatical problems. Just fixing that stuff up will make this story much better.

So to add on to what Jenthura has said, here's my take:

I like the plot a lot. Krash is a sci-fi version of Orellano and Pirarro, and their quest for the legendary City of Gold in the Americas.

But what you have here is really just that: the plot. It's a good plot so I hope you continue to work on it, but it needs fleshing out. First, why does Krash think there's a planet made of diamonds? For the Spanish, they thought there was a City of Gold because of legends passed to them by the Aztecs and Incans. So for Krash, perhaps there's an ancient alien civilization with legends about a planet of diamonds.

After that, you just need to spend more time fleshing out everything. Every paragraph in your story has the potential to be a full chapter, and so now your job is to just add details.

Thanks

I love both reading and writing science fiction, and really enjoyed this piece. What I noticed immediately is how creative you are with naming your characters! I mean, wow, can you name mine? Just kidding, but great job on this. Ouch, a broken wrist?

LOL, my character names are all lame. I just type a few alphabets on the screen, and there is the name....as to the wrist....such a long time ago:P