Young Writers Society

Rated for blood, violence, language, zombie horror, and some disturbing scenes. No nudity or inappropriate scenarios

Two large ravens pounded their wings against the air, looking for a high perch to escape the scene below them. Their blue-black wings reflected the crimson of the ground below. The birds finally found a suitable tree-top to escape the insatiable creatures that infested the once pleasant Virginia town. For now there was silence, but the echoes of sheer agony and desolation remained, sending an atmosphere of danger to nearby animals.
What the ravens had witnessed was enough to leave anyone sick and afraid. Humans, once annoying takers of land, had turned on each other in an apocalyptic feeding frenzy. These birds had never seen humans as cannibals. Perhaps they were sick?
A low snarl from below made them quiver, ready at any moment to take off. Although, their wings were already sore and weary. One of the birds peered down cautiously, head tilting to get a good look.
One of the sick humans was sniffing the air. It was a male with wild, sandy hair and a reddish tint to the whites of his eyes, almost as if something was irritating them. His throat issued quick raspy breathes that held an almost continual snarling. It reminded the birds of the sound a human’s car makes when it wakes up. His throat must be torn from the shrieks it uses as a hunting call, and perhaps caked with the blood of his species.
The predator’s face, clothing, hands, and arms were covered in scarlet liquid that the ravens could smell from their perch. They tried to sink into the dark green of the tree’s needles. The sun was in the later stage of setting, so darkness was beginning to set in and the shadows impaired the typical human’s vision, but whatever it was that made these sick ones what they were, it enhanced their sense of smell and hearing.
The bloody man raked his nails against the tree. Both birds’ hearts were beating exceedingly fast, on the brink of bursting. He drew back his hand and sucked the blood from his self-inflicted wound, mumbling meaninglessly to himself. For a second he seemed to remember himself. His body shook in fear and he looked around at the shadows and trees, then back down at himself. He knelt down on his knees and let out a cry full of angst and self-hatred, but the gentle trickle of blood from his mouth threw him out of his moment of humanity and back into the sickness. His eyes glazed over and he rose, heading back towards the town.
The ravens flew off to a different tree, deeper in the woods.

The sick human with sandy hair stared blankly at the houses as he passed. Bloody hand prints smeared on the walls, and windows and doors everywhere were shattered and splintered. Some creatures like him wandered in and out of them, nibbling on the leftovers, gnawing on bones until the ivory color showed brightly. Bloody water murmured its way down a drain, soapy from the last person who washed their car. The streets were strewn with the entrails of unlucky victims. The sound of growling intermingled with sobbing and whimpering could be heard among the streets. Every once in a while, the sick would remember they were sick, but most of the time they were just hungry. No one was left. Either you ate, or were eaten. You killed, or were killed.
For this town, it was already over.




Chapter 1





I woke up in a cold sweat, shivering violently. The moonlight filtering in from the window cast a blue light across the paleness of my skin. I felt bile rise up in my throat and rushed to the bathroom. Holding my hair back tightly, I began emptying the content of last night’s supper into the toilet via mouth. Even after it was all out, I continued gagging and coughing.
Moments like these reminded me why a lot of us in the Haven needed counseling. We’d seen too much, and it plagued us with nightmares and memories no one should ever have. This place was safe though, miles from humanity in the Alaskan wilderness. Fortresses and security ensured safety, although nothing ever came out here. But when the world almost comes to an end once, you try harder than ever to ensure it does not happen again. Places like this were on every major continent. The world governments had issued Haven’s to be built far before the breakout as a precaution to secret experiments that the UK and the US began. The rest of the world wanted to be ready also. A third World War had almost begun when Germany, Russia, and Japan had objected to any experimentation whatsoever. If only we had listened…
I washed my face and swished some mouthwash. The pale blue lighting seemed to make my eyes look clear because the color matched so well. It reminded me of my brother, so I averted my gaze to the faucet. I closed my eyes and sighed, leaning against the sink counter.
I jumped, imagining I heard a loud noise. No, it was just the past getting to me. After two months of living every moment in fear, you’re imagination begins to play tricks on you.
I headed back into my bedroom, stepping over the beautiful dog that had kept me company through my entire ordeal. He was a wolf-husky mix. Ever since he was a pup, he’d been my shadow. During the outbreak, he’d really showed his courage and strength. My dog had literally saved my life. If only he could have saved my brother…
Still shaky from the nightmare, and up-chucking dinner, I decided to stay up. My savior must have sensed my discomfort, because he got up and padded over next to the bed. “I love you Caleb.” I ruffled the fur behind his ears. He wagged his tail and butt happily.
Sometimes I’d notice him twitching in his sleep. He barks at strangers when they come up to my front door. It’s obvious he remembers too.
Caleb jumped up on my bed and laid his huge frame across my legs. His fur was a lovely blue-grey with typical white husky points, like the dots over the eyebrows, and he has the loveliest ice blue eyes to match mine. My parents got him for me when I was fourteen, five years ago. I patted his head absently, staring into space as I tried to block out the scenes playing before my eyes. Caleb and I both jumped as my phone rang sharply.

Hey, WhiteRoses! Coco here for a review. I hope I can help!

WhiteRosesxandxRain wrote:Rated for blood, violence, language, zombie horror, and some disturbing scenes [*rubs hands in excitement*]. No nudity or inappropriate scenarios

Two large ravens pounded their wings against the air, looking for a high perch to escape the scene below them. Their blue-black wings reflected the crimson of the ground below. The birds finally found a suitable tree-top to escape the insatiable creatures that infested the once pleasant Virginia town. For now there was silence, but the echoes of sheer agony and desolation remained, sending an atmosphere of danger to nearby animals.
What the ravens had witnessed was enough to leave anyone sick and afraid. Humans, once annoying takers of land, had turned on each other in an apocalyptic feeding frenzy. These birds had never seen humans as cannibals. Perhaps they were sick? [I don't think you should end with a rhetorical question. Try and phrase it in a different way, maybe something like, "Perhaps something was wrong with them, perhaps they were sick" something like that]
A low snarl from below made them quiver, ready at any moment to take off [the last part of the sentence seemed a little awkward to me]. Although, their wings were already sore and weary [This sentence seems a little unnecessary with regards to the story]. One of the birds peered down cautiously, head tilting to get a good look.
One of the sick humans [again, I think you should try a different way of saying this] was sniffing the air. It was a male with wild, sandy hair and a reddish tint to the whites of his eyes, almost as if something was irritating them. His throat issued quick raspy breathes that held an almost continual snarling. It reminded the birds of the sound a human’s car makes when it wakes up. His throat must be torn from the shrieks it uses as a hunting call, and perhaps caked with the blood of his species.
The predator’s face, clothing, hands, and arms were covered in scarlet liquid that the ravens could smell from their perch. They tried to sink into the dark green of the tree’s needles. The sun was in the later stage of setting, so darkness was beginning to set in and the shadows impaired the typical human’s vision, but whatever it was that made these sick ones what they were, it enhanced their sense of smell and hearing.
The bloody man raked his nails against the tree. Both birds’ hearts were beating exceedingly fast, on the brink of bursting. He drew back his hand and sucked the blood from his self-inflicted wound, mumbling meaninglessly to himself. For a second he seemed to remember himself. His body shook in fear and he looked around at the shadows and trees, then back down at himself. He knelt down on his knees and let out a cry full of angst and self-hatred, but the gentle trickle of blood from his mouth threw him out of his moment of humanity and back into the sickness. His eyes glazed over and he rose, heading back towards the town.
The ravens flew off to a different tree, deeper in the woods.

The sick human with sandy hair stared blankly at the houses as he passed. Bloody hand prints smeared on the walls, and windows and doors everywhere were shattered and splintered. Some creatures like him wandered in and out of them, nibbling on the leftovers, gnawing on bones until the ivory color showed brightly. Bloody water murmured its way down a drain, soapy from the last person who washed their car. The streets were strewn with the entrails of unlucky victims. The sound of growling intermingled with sobbing and whimpering could be heard among the streets. Every once in a while, the sick would remember they were sick, but most of the time they were just hungry. No one was left. Either you ate, or were eaten. You killed, or were killed.
For this town, it was already over.

So I didn't review it all but let me start off by saying how well you've managed to create such an incredibly dark and gritty atmosphere. I was drawn to the story instantly, it sort of reminded me of the movie 30 Days of Night - a movie I admit I only watched because Josh Hartnett was in it I also loved the way you used the POV of the ravens - very interesting, good job!

As for my critiques, apart from the few aspects I mentioned above, I must say I was really disappointed when I reached the end - WHERE IS THE REST OF YOUR STORY? It just cut off after you placed the picture!

Other than that, I am uber excited about reading the rest of this, it's gritty, and I lurve gritty! Anyway, hope I've helped and good luck with the rest, you have a very eager reader waiting for the next chapter!

*coco

Thank you so much for the critique! I'll totally make some changes now that I see the weak spots and I definately can see why some changes should be made. And yes, there will be more to the story, I just got caught up with the time and left off at a really bad place, haha. Thanks again and I'll add more and revise the first part.

This was a very well written story. A few quibbles though.

First off, the ravens seem very... well, very human. They're unusually smart, and understanding of human nature. I would either make the first part more passive, on the birds' part, or get rid of it entirely, although it was well written.

I wonder, how long has the world been like this? Also, I would assume, by what you said, that this has all been caused by a man made virus or something. you might what to clarify this, and let the reader know, so they aren't left wondering.

Grammatically, there were very few errors, and the story flowed nicely.

Like Coco said, this was very gritty and it's hard for some people to pull that off, but you nailed it. You really got across the hopeless desolation and horror that has become the world. Well done!

I hope that there is more to come, because I really like this, and would like to read more.

Cheers,
Pros

Hey there! I'm here to give a review. Aren't zombies fun? Flesh eating things... They're pretty gory too.

I liked this because you start with an interesting perspective from the birds. The, quite literal, birds eye view makes it feel like an empty area. The only things to be watching the carnage are the birds. There is nothing else, nothing else but the flesh eating monsters of course. It's like the desolation of the Birds, the Hitchcock movie I mean. There is something incredibly dark about it.

However, though I enjoyed it, I think you should keep the intro section shorter. You use it to write a lot about the carnage, but for me it wasn't enough. The birds point of view is very absent and empty of emotion. You write,

Both birds’ hearts were beating exceedingly fast, on the brink of bursting.

But it doesn't make my heart want to burst. You're telling us about the birds, not showing us fear, disgust, emotion. It kind of ruins the whole purpose of the scene: to gross me out beyond belief. I really didn't think it was that gross, but I really do think it's because the POV of the birds dulled it. The reader is treated like a mild observer, or listener, of whatever the narrator is saying about the birds, the monsters, etc.

I think if you kept the section short, too the point, and used more showing devices than telling, it would give it power. It just seemed to drag on too long and the novelty of the POV wore off fast. Three, four paragraphs seems like a good place. You want to get right into chapter one as soon as possible so we can learn about your character and grip onto them. Relating and loving a character is something that will make a reader turn the page. Use it.

Now, to chapter one. I really liked this because you're utilizing first person which is a good shift from the original POV of the birds. It feels more down to earth, real. I didn't like where you started it though. There's no real action, no real conflict. He just wakes up, pukes, and then this:

Moments like these reminded me why a lot of us in the Haven needed counseling. We’d seen too much, and it plagued us with nightmares and memories no one should ever have. This place was safe though, miles from humanity in the Alaskan wilderness. Fortresses and security ensured safety, although nothing ever came out here. But when the world almost comes to an end once, you try harder than ever to ensure it does not happen again. Places like this were on every major continent. The world governments had issued Haven’s to be built far before the breakout as a precaution to secret experiments that the UK and the US began. The rest of the world wanted to be ready also. A third World War had almost begun when Germany, Russia, and Japan had objected to any experimentation whatsoever. If only we had listened…

Although this is GREAT back story - seriously, great way to create a zombie story - you don't want it to be in your second paragraph. I don't even know who your character is, why I should care about him, what his conflict is.. anything, and you're already throwing me into the background of the story? A lot of people have written about how to use background information in conjunction with the main action, and it is difficult to do. But here's good advice I've heard: back story is in the past. You're writing about the now. Whatever is in the past doesn't matter because what matters is happening now in the story.

Basically, if what happened in the past is real important, write about the past! But it's not, for this. It's just background info. For now, we don't really need it. Or at least not that much. You first want to lure us into your story and hold us down. Back story can be given in small chunks and bites, so it isn't so hard to swallow in one lump.

Like I did say earlier, I also think you should start with more action/conflict, or at least hint at something. I know there are zombies. I know he's a survivor. But I don't yet have reason to care about him or his well being, or anything, so why do I want to keep reading? Think about what you can tease your reader with. What questions will they want answered that will force them to turn the page? What about this character will make them need to turn the page? What does he want, and what is stopping him? Good character development can really help to hook the reader in.

I hope all this helps! Like I said I think you have great background for a zombie story and you certainly have the prowess, it's just the smaller things that could be done better. Best of luck! And if you have any questions feel free to PM me.