z

Young Writers Society


The Lost Star System part 2



User avatar
6 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2133
Reviews: 6
Thu Jul 08, 2010 6:28 pm
View Likes
deltadalek says...



The Lost Star System Part 2


We return to The Lord vultrino, who is absolutely furious about the computer chip being stolen. And to his reverie...

* * *

“You can't be serious.” The Lord said almost matter-of-fact. “There is no way that the reality disruptor command chip is missing.” His squeaky voice was very comical, but none of his subjects dare laugh at the leader of the dreaded vultrino race. The Lord's three lenses that stuck out of his rusted head blinked off briefly, as if to close the subject.
“My lord, we have a confirmation that the chip was, in fact, stolen.” a vultrino said. His voice was more menacing, a cold and hollow sound. “By that Tailgunner human.”
The Lord stared at the vultrino, which either meant that he was deep in thought or that the object of his interest was going to stop existing shortly. Luckily for the brave vultrino who spoke, it was the first. The Lord then turned away, his metal tentacles allowing him to glide smoothly over the floor. He stared out at the stars, the galaxies and his massive fleet of deadly vultrino battle cruisers. The cruisers were red with rust. They were pods with hidden weapons and three large engines. The cruisers were busy with vultrino activity, the viciously efficient machines of death gliding through the rusted corridors of the ships. “We have come a long way, as all of us know.” he said. The vultrinos in his presence nodded. “We started out as savage beasts, until I delivered you all from that harsh planet. I remember the day that everything changed...”

* * *

Some Time In The Past...
A creature looked up at a cloud covered sky. It was not intelligent, but it was the most thoughtful creature of its race. It had two small eyes on either side of its elongated oval head. A third, large eye was smack in the center. Two sensory antennae sticking out of its head quivered. The neck on down was humanoid, the tentacle arms reaching all the way down to its bird-like feet. This creature was one of many of its kind, the megasenangans. It looked sadly down on its fellow beasts, as they were competing for small clumps of alien plant or for females. It wondered if anything would be able to change.
The world was as barren as the next, with dark orange ground covered with rocks, and occasionally, boulders. The only source of food were blue lichens that thrived in places deprived of the harsh air. The sky was covered with clouds that blocked out the view of space, but let the powerful sunlight stream through.
The megasenangans were potentially powerful things. For, when they could actually have an intelligent thought, they could grant their own wishes. If one lucky megasenangan wished that it could never be hungry again, then it would unknowingly conjure up a massive pile of food for itself.
This creature was very quiet, and was not very interested in the females. Or competing, for that matter. It was always looking up at the sky, wondering (but never wishing until now). On this fateful day, it wished that there was a way to get to know the rest of the universe, or whatever was out there.
Meanwhile...
High above the planet, a station of a salamander race was orbiting the planet, studying and contemplating the possibility of alien life down below. Suddenly, the booster engines ran out of fuel, sending the entire thing plummeting to the planet below.
Back on the surface, the creature watched in amazement as a large object dropped out of the sky. It was the first one to realize that you could make things by wishing (for megasenangans). All his fellow creatures ran away from this strange new thing. The one megasenangan, though, ran towards this wonder. Eventually, a hatch opened and out stepped several lizard-men. They looked in amazement at the creature that had come to greet them. The creature was very confused about the strange noises that they made. The creature showed only fascination as they slipped a translation collar around it. Then, in a rush of the most wonderful feeling that the megasenangan would ever remember, it could understand the newcomers.
“What...are...you?” the creature had trouble forming the words.
“This is amazing!” said one of the strangers that had a star on his chest. “Another intelligent life form! Tell me, do you have a name for your race?”
“Yes..we...are...megasenangans.” said the creature. The word “megasenangan” in their language actually meant “ourselves”, but that is how the race earned its name.
“Greetings! We are the klingtobak, and we come in peace.” said the starred one.
“But where do...you come...from?” the curious creature said, as it was very quickly learning the language.
“We come from up there, in space.”
“Space? What is space?”
And so the klingtobak told the creature everything they knew about the wonderful place. The creature became ambitious.
“I will travel there! It sounds wonderful!” it said excitedly.
The starred one sadly shook his head. “We have run out of fuel, so there is no way to get back up there.”
“I can fix that.” and with no more than a thought, the megasenangan refilled the fuel tanks. The klingtobak gasped in amazement. They prepared for take-off, the captain wanted to let the creature on board. The creature began to step into the hatch, when it closed with a bang. He was locked out.
Inside, there was mutiny. For the crew felt that this creature was too dangerous to let onto the ship. The captain argued and fought over the controls, but in the end the takeoff went as planned.
Outside, the megasenangan was furious. It wished that the klingtobak were dead. Inside, all dropped to the ground, never again to rise. The creature then wished that the ship would come to him. It then flew at him, fulfilling his wish. Surprised, it tried to wish that it would stop. But it was too late. The unmanned ship crashed down on him, crushing its lower torso. It wailed and bellowed until its strength was gone. And on the brink of death, it wished that it would live. And so it did, but its legs were so crushed that they could not alone support him. He wished that he was smart enough to invent something to help him return to his full strength, then got to work. He crawled throughout the corridor of the station and began looking for things to work with. He was unaware that a disease was thriving in his body, and would soon cost him almost everything.
Years Later...
The creature, reduced to a blob of flesh due to work and the disease, marveled his work. It was a suit, having a dome head to encase all that was left of him. Coming out of the dome were three horns, three lenses, a mouth box and several tentacles. It climbed inside its suit, closed the hatch and powered it up. It was amazing! All the power! He had enhanced it so that he could manipulate magnetism, electricity and light. He now felt all of these coursing throughout his new form. He wanted-no, needed to give his race the same power. He used his newfound powers to bring every last megasenangan to a clearing. He then showed himself.
“Greetings. I am a fellow megasenangan like yourselves.” he said in the native language. “I would like to bestow upon you REAL POWER!” He raised his tentacles and annihilated a mountain in demonstration. Everyone enthusiastically demanded to know how to get such power. The metal behemoth showed them a machine, telling them all they had to do was step in there. They all thanked him, and rushed to enter the strange thing.
The last one to go in, a female, turned and said “Thank you, lord vultrino.” The word “vultrino” in their old language meant “great one”. She then walked inside, and the door shut. And that is how the vultrinos were born.

* * *

The Lord's flashback was interrupted as a vultrino came in. This vultrino was the one who had coined the name Lord vultrino. She, well, what used to be she was marked with a star on the chest, in memory of the strange one that had come from the stars.
“Yes, my trusted lieutenant?” The Lord asked.
“I was looking at the radar,” said The Lieutenant. The Lieutenant was given the privilege of, along with The Lord, keeping emotions. “And I thought that I saw a ship.”
“Really? Could it be the escapees? What quadrant was it in?” The Lord asked eagerly.
“I will show you.” The Lieutenant said. And so the two old friends raced side by side to observe the radar.

The End?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sorry, this one is not as good as the first. But there is a lot of explaining to do. Hope you don't mind :wink: !
Last edited by deltadalek on Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Hello? is this thing on?...
  





User avatar
57 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6757
Reviews: 57
Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:06 pm
narniafreak12 says...



Hi! I'm back to do another review! I hope this helps!

It was very interesting back story to the vultrinos. It let's readers know how the bad guys feel which is cool. I have a few suggestions!

One, for the flashback part you could put it in italics so readers will know it's the past and not happening in the actual story. I hope that sentence makes sense because I can't think of how to explain it.

You also tend to capitalize the word "the" every time you say "Lord" or Lieutenant" yet I'm pretty sure that's not correct. I think "the" needs to be lowercase.

I'd like to know more about the vultrinos/megasenangans home planet. Maybe in the flashback you can describe the setting of the place. Is it barren or does it have trees? What color is the ground, grass, dirt etc? Is the sky blue like ours? Does it even have a sky? Just a little more descripton for that and maybe the layout of the ship or at least something more of the ship.

Maybe when you return from the flashback, don't say
The Lord finished his flashback just as a vultrino came in.
. It just seems weird to me that he's actually having a flashback or coming back from it? I don't maybe it's just me.

Alright that's all I can get from this. Again, I'm not good with the grammar and spelling aspects but I hope this helps! Oh, and keep writing! This is getting interesting. I hope to hear more about Greg soon though!

-Narniafreak! :D
  





User avatar
6 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2133
Reviews: 6
Fri Jul 09, 2010 1:38 pm
deltadalek says...



Thanks again. I think that it is not as exciting, but thank you for proving otherwise :D :D
Hello? is this thing on?...
  








"Think of all the beauty still left around you, and smile."
— Anne Frank