Young Writers Society

The Lost Star System part 3


We know pick up with our heroes, as they are preparing for the harsh life in store for them.

* * *

Greg ran across an alien plain, as fast as he could. For the vultrinos had found them, and all hope was lost. Running with him was his wife. She looked just like she did when Greg last saw her. That was, before she died. In her arms she held a little boy, only about 3 years old. His name was Mark, and he was the captain's only son. They saw their salvation ahead, a small evacuation ship. In the back of Greg's head, he knew what happened next. For then only he and his son would escape, and the saddest moment of his life had to be relived. Just as they reached the ship, instead of getting on and trying in vain to save his wife, Greg and his wife climbed on board successfully. In the back of Greg's mind he knew that wasn't right. He almost dizzily walked over to the captain and asked their destination.
The captain turned, and in place of a human head, he saw the horrible metal head of The Lord. “How about a trip to SUDDEN DEATH!” it screamed with the pure joy a vultrino only has at the death of more pests.
Greg then stood, unable to move, as The Lord whipped past him. He heard the tortured cries of everyone, even his family, as they were killed in cold blood. He was last to go, and almost welcomed the painful feel of plasma eating away as his back.

* * *

A kettle whistled.
Tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...!
A hand put the kettle off the heat. The owner of that hand then looked behind him, for he heard moaning. He looked at the man that was moaning, the man that he had met in the very gut of a vultrino cruiser. The owner of the hand grumbled, and then stepped over to command the man to
“WAKE UP!(oh, for the love of...) COME ON!(I shouldn't have to do all the work, stupid little...) Unless you would like to find a pot of hot tea poured in your ear, then you had better hop to it!”
The sleeping man got up, moaned a little more, then asked in a tired voice, “Why so...cranky, Guru?”
The Guru stormed over to the kettle and tried to angrily pour tea into the cups. Only he couldn't really express his anger while pouring the tea into two cups, so he spilled some for an excuse to swear some more.
“I mean, we just pulled off the impossible! We got away with...whatever this thing is. But I know that it is important!” Greg said. For he was the one who was woken, and he was the one who had been dreaming in the section above. The Guru snorted, trying to say everything in an angry way.
“Oh, sure! 'we just pulled off the impossi-' my FANNY! Now I am stuck in an escape pod, hurtling through space, with no means of steering! With a man who is completely bonkers! (One lump or two?)” the Guru said.
Now Greg got started. “Oh, and who is supposed to be the time traveling guru! You know, the only reason that I stick with you is that there's no way out of this stupid tin can! (One will be fine, please.)” The Guru's face went scarlet as he raged
“No way out?! Here's your way out!!” The Guru then opened the air lock, and for a few terrifying moments, the vacuum of space sucked the air and the tea out of the pod. The Guru then shut the air lock. He and Greg both lay gasping in their respective corners of the pod. They both didn't feel angry anymore.
“What...the...?” Greg asked.
“Sorry, there was some sort of anger inducing alien in the air. They cause you to fight until people die as a consequence. Then they feed on the dead flesh.” the Guru casually explained, as if what happened were a normal day.
Greg was in disbelief. “Why didn't you just tell me?!” he demanded. And no, he was not still infected.
“I was so angry, I didn't get around to it.” the Guru said. Greg shook his head. He had a rough night, and now he was going to have to deal with the zaniness of the Guru.
“So, what was all the moaning about?” the Guru asked, still believing that a normal event just took place.
Greg shrugged. “Bad dream, nightmare.”
The Guru swung a spatula right in front of Greg's nose.
“Nightmares are my specialty! And maybe I can finally get to know the man I helped escape!” he squawked.
“Sorry,” Greg had never told the Guru about his life.
The Guru didn't seem to mind as he pushed Greg back onto his bed. “Okay, now tell me; what was this dream about?”
“Well, I actually have a family, and-”
“by a jakeeras claw! You don't mean to tell me you're a family man!” the Guru interrupted.
“Well, yes, I do. And what's a Jakeeras?”
“Later, but please continue!”
“Okay...so we lived out on the outposts of the known universe. I was working with the United Star Systems. So they put me on the edge of the known universe as a border guard, and so I could observe the unknown-”
The Guru gasped. “You don't mean to tell me you were in the lost star system, do you?”
“The what?”
“Sorry, future man, I didn't know that you haven't come to call it that yet. I mean star system B-17.”
Greg shuddered at the name. “Yes, I was-”
“Say no more; I know the rest. Vultrinos came, they wiped out all your family, and then you do this to exact your revenge. Right?”
“Yes, but my son survived. I couldn't save my wife. Actually, my son would be just now going through public school. Wait, if you're from the future, then you know about the vultrinos, right?” Greg tried to express many ideas at once, his eyes lighting up at the last idea.
The Guru looked uneasy. “Yes......”
“Then tell me, does mankind win?”
“I forget.”
Greg was again in disbelief.“HOW CAN YOU FORGET! You lived in the future! You know about auto-correct for life and Jakeeras, and you mean to tell me you FORGET?!”
“Yes. Oh, and by the way, Jakeeras live in your time, in this time.” the Guru changed the subject.
Greg carried on slowly. “What do you mean, in this time? I haven't heard of them, and I am part of a top secret group formed just for that purpose! KNOWING ALIENS!!!” he shouted this last part out.
“Well, let's just say that they are elusive, and in a few-” he looked at the calendar, then at the clock. “Years' time, maybe, then you will know all you need to about Jakeeras.” Then the Guru squinted at something out the window and walked over to get a closer look. Greg again shook his head in disbelief.
“I mean, you're from the future, and you can't tell me anything about what will happen?”
“Yes, those are the rules and I don't feel like dealing with a paradox right now. Say, what's that out the window?” the Guru said, still squinting at the object. Greg groaned, then he got up and walked over to the window. He nearly jumped out of his skin.
“That's a vultrino attack squadron!!” he shouted right in the Guru's ear, in case his hearing might be going too. The Guru smiled.
“I thought that was what it was!”

The End?




Well, the third installment to the Lost Star System saga. Hope I'm not boring you!

Hi! Okay here I go.

I liked most of the dream. It could use some more detail and action. You give a little too much away about Greg though in this whole piece. Maybe just give a hint that something tragic happened but don't necessarily give away that his wife was killed, and he and his son survived. Give the story a little mystery to it, just to keep readers guessing.

I did like how you used parenthese for when the Guru was whispering. I'm not entirely sure if that's correct so I'll let others fix that but it made me be able to read it where in my head he was saying it kind of under his breath.

You could maybe put the kettle noise in italics also some of the shouting or something. I'll give you an example.

“Nightmares are my specialty! And maybe I can finally get to know the MAN I HELPED ESCAPE!” he squawked.

I think "man" should be italics and not bold. It might make it look better. I know some people [others on yws] don't like when people screaming/shouting use bolded words so maybe change some. Describe how they are talking, facial expressions to show their anger instead of bolding louder words.

“HOW CAN YOU FORGET! You lived in the future! You know about auto-correct for life and Jakeeras, and you mean to tell me you FORGET?!”

Make the last "forget" italics to. It sounds more like he's stressing it then screaming it.

For he was the one who was woken, and he was the one who had been dreaming in the section above.

Only you can't really express your anger while pouring tea into cups, so he spilled some for an excuse to swear some more.

I think both of these sentences either need to be fixed or omitted. In the first one, you tell us that Greg had been the one dreaming, yet I had already figured that out so you don't really need to tell us. And with the second one, don't tell us there's no way to get angry pouring tea. It kind of drabs down the sentence. Plus you are using like 3rd person and 2nd person which is confusing. So, stick with one point of view. Get rid of any you, we, your, our, etc. Anything that isn't describing a third party not related to you, the author, and us, the readers.

Again, you have the story going and the characters talking but there's not much description. Describe the expressions on their faces. They are made, so their faces should turn red, have narrowed eye brows etc. Describe their actions. Again, if they are mad or sad, show us! Have Greg or Guru slam the table, get up and pound the wall, something that shows they are mad not just by their words. Tell us what is going on. They just escaped from the vultrinos yet where are they? Are they trying to get away or they just drifting through space without a care? Where is there destination?

Again, most of these are suggestions so change what you decide is right and what you want. Hope this helps!

-Narniafreak!

Thanks for the advice!
The only problem I couldn't bring myself to fix was the one about the entire giving away the secret thing. I.........
Well, I think that there are other questions. Such as, "what are jakeeras and how can they stay hidden from an intergalactic association?" and "How is Greg's son doing?" and "What do the Guru and Greg do next?" Plus, there's the whole vultrino thing.
Still, if you insist, I can change that. To tell you the truth, I think that Greg's nightmare would be hard to describe without his wife in there. His son is CRUCIAL, so I don't think that I could shut him out.
Any advice about how to do the dream sequence?
(If I knew how to do one of those vote things, I could set one of those up. But, I don't )