Young Writers Society

I'm all new here, and I felt the urge to post one of my rough works, which isn't even a beginning of a story, just a portion. Here it is: The Dead Squad (just a working title). And I haven't done revisions either. Just a piece from the heart (stranger things have come out of my heart).

We stood expectantly. All nineteen martyrs that we should have been waited in silence, sweat dribbling from our filthy heads to run through the creases of our soiled fatigues. In the air a dark sensation hung, a sinister apprehension that gripped our leaden legs and held them in place, that crawled up our backs to stop our throats and wound around our ribs, squeezing our deadened hearts to make them weak against the terrors to come. It rendered us as we had been the day we returned from our first horrifying mission, with death in our eyes and terror on our skins, our relief and exuberance from arrival swept away, and our eyes whose sparkle had been dulled seeing only a future of torment and sorrow.
Our commander paced before us. His clothing was rumpled, like ours, in an attempt to connect with us, to pragmatically gain our respect, but it was far too clean. Even when ours were washed we could feel the blood that soaked the garments, see the million red stains that represented the teammates who had spilled their lifeblood in our arms.
His voice was deep and commanding, his arms were muscular, and his face was weathered and scarred. He had the presence of an apt leader, a quality which had ruthlessly pushed him through the ranks till he could meddle among the political leaders, and all would look to him for strength and reassurance. In his eyes was cunning, a frightening characteristic that distinguished him from the military men, that commanded acquiescence. We could see into his soul, though, and in it was nothing that we had seen or felt, no irreparable brokenness, no crippling of his every emotion. So it meant nothing to us, and we followed him not out of terror, not out of fear of consequences of dissention, but because there was nothing else to do in our damaged lives, nothing we could do. We could not love, could not live a life free from the hurt we had suffered here, could not have a family other than the ones we were bonded with. The general who had not sent all of us to our deaths, but had nonetheless dragged from us our ultimate sacrifice, continued to lead us.
But on my tongue I could feel a change in the stagnant air, an ominous feeling that something would change, catapulting all of us from our steady routine into a terrifying new.
His pacing had stopped minutes ago, but he was simply staring into each of our eyes, and for each time he stared into the eyes of my comrades it felt like he was staring into mine, and when his gaze moved across my face it felt as if the eyes he saw were not my own.
Finally he opened his mouth, and for a moment he faltered uncharacteristically, and for the first time I could see fear sweep into his expression. But it swept away just as quickly, and he began to brief us.
“Soldiers,” he began, clearing his throat while he formulated ideas. “You’ve fought creatures no human has ever faced before. You’ve gone on missions considered suicide by all, and you’ve fought longer, harder, and with more fury than I’ve seen anyone fight for before, be it supersoldier or grunt, for freedom or for patriotism. No one compares with you, and that is why you’re the best of the best, and you’re my soldiers.”
We continued to stare. He began each speech like this, keeping the pretense that everything was normal, as it was in the beginning, to keep himself sane when we had already tipped over the edge.

Heyo, I'm Ninja, and I'll be reviewer for today.

Overall, this piece was rather mysterious, and very intriguing; good work on that area, certainly. The first big thing I want to tackle here is your paragraphs. A few of them were rather large, and it was a bit of a struggle to read through those, as I kept losing my place, and getting lost, basically. A good three to five lines seems plenty substantial for me, and definitely easier to read.

For a piece 'straight from the heart', it's pretty eloquent. I think it definitely had fluidity, and I think there was a recognizable style; it shows and tells, without tipping more to one side or the other. Your grammar and caps were exceptional, but I do think you could stick a comma here and there, if you wanted; it wasn't horrendous punctuation, quite the opposite, but I do think there's room for more pauses.

I can't nitpick you, which is a shame, because that would make me feel like I actually did a complete review. However, that does mean you managed to escape the dreaded grammar, caps, and punctuation massacre, as some pieces must suffer through.

Overall: Great, great, great work, just work on readability, pauses, and not getting over descriptive. (I know, I didn't think it was such a thing, once upon a time, but it stalls the story and takes away from the flow. I do it all the time, sadly.)

So, thumbs up from me.

We stood expectantly. All nineteen martyrs that we should have been waited in silence(.)(I would start a new sentence here) Sweat dribbling from our filthy heads to run through the creases of our soiled fatigues. (This sentence was weird in my opinion)In the air a dark sensation hung, a sinister apprehension that gripped our leaden legs and held them in place, that (I would use which instead of that) crawled up our backs to stop our throats and wound around our ribs, squeezing our deadened hearts to make them weak against the terrors to come. It rendered us as we had been the day we returned from our first horrifying mission, with death in our eyes and terror on our skins, our relief and exuberance from arrival swept away, and our eyes whose sparkle had been dulled seeing only a future of torment and sorrow.
Okay the first paragraph is gripping, yes, but the way it's written is completely different from the rest of the story. Do you know what I mean? Maybe try simplifying it a bit. I also noticed that the sentences go on and on. Add a period here and there to make it flow and give us time to take a breath. Other than it, I liked the beginning, I kept imagining the beginning of Pirates of the Caribbean at worlds end where the prisoners were about to be hung and all for some reason...

Our commander paced before us. His clothing was rumpled, like ours, in an attempt to connect with us, to pragmatically gain our respect, but it was far too clean.(Too many comma's in my opinion.) Even when ours were washed we could feel the blood that soaked the garments, see the million red stains that represented the teammates who had spilled their lifeblood in our arms.

His voice was deep and commanding, his arms were muscular,(No comma here)and his face was weathered and scarred. He had the presence of an apt leader, a quality which had ruthlessly pushed him through the ranks till he could meddle among the political leaders, and all would look to him for strength and reassurance. In his eyes was cunning, a frightening characteristic that distinguished him from the military men, that commanded acquiescence. We could see into his soul, though, and in it was nothing that we had seen or felt, no irreparable brokenness, no crippling of his every emotion. So it meant nothing to us, and we followed him not out of terror, not out of fear of consequences of dissention, but because there was nothing else to do in our damaged lives, nothing we could do. We could not love, could not live a life free from the hurt we had suffered here, could not have a family other than the ones we were bonded with. The general who had not sent all of us to our deaths, but had nonetheless dragged from us our ultimate sacrifice, continued to lead us.

But on my tongue I could feel a change in the stagnant air, an ominous feeling that something would change, catapulting all of us from our steady routine into a terrifying new.

His pacing had stopped minutes ago, but he was simply staring into each of our eyes, and for each time he stared into the eyes of my comrades it felt like he was staring into mine, and when his gaze moved across my face it felt as if the eyes he saw were not my own.
I loved the last two lines!
Finally he opened his mouth, and for a moment he faltered uncharacteristically, and for the first time I could see fear sweep into his expression. But it swept away just as quickly, and he began to brief us.

“Soldiers,” he began, clearing his throat while he formulated ideas. “You’ve fought creatures no human has ever faced before. You’ve gone on missions considered suicide by all, and you’ve fought longer, harder,(No comma before and) and with more fury than I’ve seen anyone fight for before, be it supersoldier or grunt, for freedom or for patriotism. No one compares with you, and that is why you’re the best of the best, and you’re my soldiers.”

We continued to stare. He began each speech like this, keeping the pretense that everything was normal, as it was in the beginning, to keep himself sane when we had already tipped over the edge.I think you could break this last sentence down into a few smaller ones.

Again, I'd watch the commas and the beginning paragraph, some of it didn't make sense to me and I had to read it twice (that could just be me though). I liked your wording, so much that I didn't want to stop to correct the little things and just kept on reading. It was dramatic and mysterious, so captivating in my mind...so good job!
Seeing as this came from the heart, I think it's a magical piece, something that leaves a strange feeling after you read it. I applaud you for that as well. Overall, I seriously liked it, besides the long sentences which threw me off.
Continue writing, cookiemonster because I can see some amazing potential in your writing

Best regards,
~Pink

Thank you, I'll take it into account. Be aware that I hadn't read it over a single time before submission (I probably should have, but I wanted to post something so badly and this was what I was writing at the time). Once I turn it into a novel, it should be quite alright. Thanks for the advice. I do believe that a comma can do after the second item in a list beforehand, and it only depends on the writer's preference. Personally I've always done it like "this, this, and this". But yeah, thanks, and thanks in advance for all future reviewers.

Hey Salmon

Let's just say, I rather think you have great potential.

I don't know how much value this has as a Short Story, but I would certainly consider it as valuable in the start of a novel. Your idea is intriguing and I know I'd read more. All that needs to happen is for you to flesh out and expand this into something with substance and build a story out of it.

What specifically fascinates me about your story is the world and its seeming potential. Everyone likes a military setting and when you set the world up as a location for a war with a ruthless commander and a reluctant soldier, you create the scene of the future Catch-22. And in my opinion I don't think we need a comedic writer to make the setting work.

Careful, though, what you have here is a mountain of potential. Nothing of it seems to have been realized then. You need to make the story into your own, and I know that you can do it. You need a story first. A progression of events that can weave together into a tapestry that can draw your readers in and reward them for the time they've invested in your story. It's not enough to just create a hint of a scene with a hint of a character and just reveal the smallest idea without building on it and forming a broader picture.

This piece is at this stage too short for any in depth analysis, though I could suggest a use of slightly shorter and more basic sentences. Careful not to make them choppy, but a little shorter and more basic means a little more easier to read.

I'm really impressed with how close you've got to your character in so short a time, so kudos for that. To perhaps build up this relationship even more, I'd advise a little less blatant exposition on your part and giving us less outright background and let us come into your story on our own. In other words, show us the faces and fear rather than telling us about it. Show us the reluctance and the thoughts rather than merely telling us the feelings. This can certainly build the relationship to your main character quite a bit stronger.

I really liked this piece, but would truly love it if you could expand it into an epic story and saga.

Have a great one!

salmonstorrs95 wrote:We stood expectantly. All nineteen martyrs that we should have been waited in silence, sweat dribbling from our filthy heads to run through the creases of our soiled fatigues. In the air a dark sensation hung, a sinister apprehension that gripped our leaden legs and held them in place, that crawled up our backs to stop our throats and wound around our ribs, squeezing our deadened hearts to make them weak against the terrors to come. It rendered us as we had been the day we returned from our first horrifying mission, with death in our eyes and terror on our skins, our relief and exuberance from arrival swept away, and our eyes whose sparkle had been dulled seeing only a future of torment and sorrow. I really enjoyed the first paragraph. It was slightly different with the rest of the excerpt as it deals with more metaphors and abstract personification, but it was quite good nonetheless. You could consider separating some of the sentences a bit, since I felt that it was getting a bit too wordy at times. This holds true for the rest of the piece.

Our commander paced before us. His clothing was rumpled, like ours, in an attempt to connect with us, to pragmatically gain our respect, but it was far too clean. Even when ours were washed we could feel the blood that soaked the garments, see the million red stains that represented the teammates who had spilled their lifeblood in our arms. I like how you represented the teammates as the red stains!

His voice was deep and commanding, his arms were muscular, and his face was weathered and scarred. He had the presence of an apt leader, a quality which had ruthlessly pushed him through the ranks till he could meddle among the political leaders, and all would look to him for strength and reassurance. In his eyes was cunning, a frightening characteristic that distinguished him from the military men, that commanded acquiescence. We could see into his soul, though, and in it was nothing that we had seen or felt, no irreparable brokenness, no crippling of his every emotion. So it meant nothing to us, and we followed him not out of terror, not out of fear of consequences of dissention, but because there was nothing else to do in our damaged lives, nothing we could do. We could not love, could not live a life free from the hurt we had suffered here, could not have a family other than the ones we were bonded with. The general who had not sent all of us to our deaths, but had nonetheless dragged from us our ultimate sacrifice, continued to lead us. This paragraph is pretty hefty. You could separate it into two or possibly three. This might require new opening sentences for each of the paragraphs, though.

But on my tongue I could feel a change in the stagnant air, an ominous feeling that something would change, catapulting all of us from our steady routine into a terrifying new.

His pacing had stopped minutes ago, but he was simply staring into each of our eyes, and for each time he stared into the eyes of my comrades it felt like he was staring into mine, and when his gaze moved across my face it felt as if the eyes he saw were not my own. No problems here. I think this is my favorite paragraph you've written here!

Finally he opened his mouth, and for a moment he faltered uncharacteristically, and for the first time I could see fear sweep into his expression. But it swept away just as quickly, and he began to brief us. Hmm ... this "fear" could be explained more. Or is it explained further on? Does this refer to a past event in the story?

“Soldiers,” he began, clearing his throat while he formulated ideas. “You’ve fought creatures no human has ever faced before. You’ve gone on missions considered suicide by all, and you’ve fought longer, harder, and with more fury than I’ve seen anyone fight for before, be it supersoldier or grunt, for freedom or for patriotism. No one compares with you, and that is why you’re the best of the best, and you’re my soldiers.”

We continued to stare. He began each speech like this, keeping the pretense that everything was normal, as it was in the beginning, to keep himself sane when we had already tipped over the edge. I enjoyed this last paragraph. I don't see any problems here.

Overall, it was a great read! I haven't read something this good for a while now. You might want to reconsider how you assemble the feelings and emotions of the character in the paragraphs of heavy description, since it does get a bit wordy. I can really feel the conflict of emotions here, which is great, in my opinion.

To avoid getting some descriptions getting wordy, you could either reword the sentence or break some sentences into several smaller sentences or ideas with dramatic effect. But I don't know your style of writing so you might like the long sentences with commas approach. For example:

It rendered us as we had been the day we returned from our first horrifying mission, with death in our eyes and terror on our skins, our relief and exuberance from arrival swept away

You could write: "It rendered us as we had been the day we returned from our first horrifying mission. Death in our eyes. Terror on our skins. Our relief and exuberance from arrival swept away."

With several more additions or rewording of phrases. I think that's more of a personal flair, but you might want to think about it for wordy passages.

I really did enjoy reading this, though! I love reading pieces like this. : )