Young Writers Society

I woke with a start, in a cold sweat; I realized I was shaking violently. After calming my self down I glanced at the alarm clock next to my bed it was 6:00 only one hour till I had to get up to get ready for school. I figured I’d surprise my mom and be ready before then; I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. So I let my unwilling arms push me out of my warm bed. I stumbled to the other side of my room hoping my jeans were clean. I found them lying, folded on top of my dresser. I pulled off my four sizes-to-big pajama shirt and put on my blue t-shirt and jeans. My name is Dakota, Dakota Jameson, I’m fifteen…in a month.
As I brushed my teeth I thought about my dream that scared me so much. It was a strange dream there was a bat that was attracted to honey not blood, a snail that had a shell on armor, A paramedic Centaur, a bird called The Winged Warrior, A deadly dwarf, a dragon of destruction, and warrior giant, but what really caught my attention was a microscopic glob that when angry grew so big a Mack truck looked like an ant next to it. The thing was trying to destroy the other animals. I don’t know why this dream scared me so much, but I was about to find out. I finished brushing my teeth I was a bit more awake now but it was not enough. So I leaned down to my sink and turned on the water, I splashed myself in the face and felt a wave of shock run through my body, I was now awake.
I half heartedly pounded down the stairs my book bag slung over one shoulder. I walked into the kitchen and poured my self a bowl of Cheerios nearly missing. I ate slowly as to waist the extra time I created for myself. Just as I finished my cereal my mom came in dragging her feet she wore her white fuzzy bathrobe that had her company logo on it, she worked for Meybohm reality, she also had on a pair of dark green slippers. She looked like a worn angel, she looked over at me, surprised she straitened up and cleared her throat “sweetie” she said “what are you doing up so early” I shrugged and said “I don’t know, just couldn’t sleep” she just nodded and turned to make some coffee. Smells of coffee beans filled the kitchen.
Once we were both up and semi-awake it was time to go. So our reluctant legs carried us to my moms Toyota Camry. We drove in silence besides the sounds of the engine roaring. We pulled up to my school, McDafiney high. Out on the front lawn all the cheerleaders were over in their corner ‘practicing’ their cheers, or in other words trying to impress the football players. Then there was all the normal people, as I was pondering this first bell rang so I headed to homeroom. I walked into class and went to my seat in the back of the class. This is the part were most people say ‘and sat down behind my friend’ but the thing is I have no friends I’m a loner its hard and sometimes I wish I could just run away and start over.
When I looked up I saw Mrs. Zane, a middle aged woman with long brown hair and blue eyes, looking at me she, almost looked sad. Grammar was a long class I didn’t understand most of it, when the bell rang I grabbed all my books and headed for the door as was about to leave I heard my name I spun around on my heals to Mrs. Zane and said “Yes Mrs. Zane”, she looked at me and said “You are failing Grammar and you need to bring up your grade or I’ll have to hold you back’. I was not surprised by this because I am not very enthusiastic about English, but I try my hardest. I went through the day normally, for lunch I had a salad with some Root Beer, and then came history. When class started I was looking around the room at all the armor, swords, and spears. The room didn’t look like a school room it looked more like a library, it had books piled all over the room, and some so tall they touch the ceiling.
Mr. Gibbs our teacher walked in he’s an older man, but he is very nice and kind of mysteries. He lectured the class on The Civil War after he finished he gave us homework to work on for the rest of class. Well one of the boys in the third row of seats was stamping his foot impatiently Mr. Gibbs got wide eyed and told him to stop but it was to late, a huge glob thing grew from were the boys foot had been only seconds ago, it was a bone chilling. The thing smelled like old tuna that was wrapped in gym socks and thrown in a bucket of dung times ten, had unnaturally razor sharp teeth and it had armor (as if it needed any) made of bone and metal it. I recognized it immediately it was the glob from my dream. I blinked fast and looked again, so this wasn’t another dream this was real. Everyone was screaming and running around the school Mr. Gibbs and I were the only ones not screaming me because I was thinking, him I didn’t know why, but I wasn’t going to wait around to find out. I grabbed the sword from the suit of armor and subconsciously started going at the monster it bellowed a teeth chattering roar and turned towards me a large slimy hand passed behind me destroying pile after pile of books its hand came around and grabbed Mr. Gibbs. I yelled “Hey slim ball” and tried to clank around the sword to get its attention but nothing worked. I was very angry now, full of rage I charged at the beast write as I was about to stab it with the sword, the part I tried it stab dissolved and I fell through the hole on to the floor and there I was in a little hollow, I realized that I was in the stomach of the glob. As I helplessly, sat in my little hollow I looked around and thought about Mr. Gibbs what would I do? I threw the sword down in frustration it melted write through the monster so I thought ether it couldn’t stand aluminum or just metal. I was thinking hard now I finally thought of something, I tore the button off my jeans and held it up to the monsters skin and it melted. I repeatedly did this until I reached the heart of the thing; I was semi surprised it had one. I took the button and shoved it into the heart as hard as I could. Suddenly I had a sensation of falling and that’s all I remember. The next time I opened my eyes I was staring at the ceiling of a hospital room. I was dazed and confused, and my head felt like it had been through the spin cycle of a washing machine. I looked around curious of my surroundings, I saw my mother in the corner of the room in a chair asleep. I thought about what had happened back at my school, I told my mom about it and she told me I just needed more sleep. I knew I had to talk to Mr. Gibbs, so when I got home I eagerly looked him up in the phonebook. As I dialed his number I thought of a million questions I wanted to ask him. He did not answer his phone, I tried every way I new of to get in touch with him, nothing. It was like he disappeared off the face of the earth. So my life went on but I always kept a sharp eye out for him because for some reason I just knew he was still out there. I still had the dreams and he was in them one day as I was walking out the door to go to school I swear I saw a little snail with a shell of armor, but it was gone before I got a closer look. Then I knew my world of dreams is real, I know I am The Dreamer.

Hello there; iceprincess here to review! Welcome to YWS.

I'm not going to nitpick --- you can check your grammatical mistakes instead. Remember, proofreading is the most important things to do when you check your story. Also, try putting commas or splitting sentences in two to make everything more clear.

Now, on with the review!

As I brushed my teeth I thought about my dream that scared me so much. It was a strange dream there was a bat that was attracted to honey not blood, a snail that had a shell on armor, A paramedic Centaur, a bird called The Winged Warrior, A deadly dwarf, a dragon of destruction, and warrior giant, but what really caught my attention was a microscopic glob that when angry grew so big a Mack truck looked like an ant next to it. The thing was trying to destroy the other animals. I don’t know why this dream scared me so much, but I was about to find out.

Maybe you could tell us the whole dream instead? Show us, not just telling us. Here is an article on show vs. tell.

Then there was all the normal people, as I was pondering this first bell rang so I headed to homeroom. I walked into class and went to my seat in the back of the class. This is the part were most people say ‘and sat down behind my friend’ but the thing is I have no friends I’m a loner its hard and sometimes I wish I could just run away and start over.

Show, show, show!

I went through the day normally, for lunch I had a salad with some Root Beer, and then came history.

Do people usually drink root beer at school? Especially a teenager at high school?

Mr. Gibbs our teacher walked in he’s an older man, but he is very nice and kind of mysteries.

Kind of mysteries? What does that mean?

Mr. Gibbs our teacher walked in he’s an older man, but he is very nice and kind of mysteries. He lectured the class on The Civil War after he finished he gave us homework to work on for the rest of class. Well one of the boys in the third row of seats was stamping his foot impatiently Mr. Gibbs got wide eyed and told him to stop but it was to late, a huge glob thing grew from were the boys foot had been only seconds ago, it was a bone chilling. [What does that mean???] The thing smelled like old tuna that was wrapped in gym socks and thrown in a bucket of dung times ten, had unnaturally razor sharp teeth and it had armor (as if it needed any) made of bone and metal it. I recognized it immediately it was the glob from my dream. I blinked fast and looked again, so this wasn’t another dream this was real. Everyone was screaming and running around the school Mr. Gibbs and I were the only ones not screaming me because I was thinking, him I didn’t know why, but I wasn’t going to wait around to find out. I grabbed the sword from the suit of armor and subconsciously started going at the monster it bellowed a teeth chattering roar and turned towards me a large slimy hand passed behind me destroying pile after pile of books its hand came around and grabbed Mr. Gibbs. I yelled “Hey slim ball” and tried to clank around the sword to get its attention but nothing worked. I was very angry now, full of rage I charged at the beast write as I was about to stab it with the sword, the part I tried it stab dissolved and I fell through the hole on to the floor and there I was in a little hollow, I realized that I was in the stomach of the glob. As I helplessly, sat in my little hollow I looked around and thought about Mr. Gibbs what would I do? I threw the sword down in frustration it melted write through the monster so I thought ether it couldn’t stand aluminum or just metal. I was thinking hard now I finally thought of something, I tore the button off my jeans and held it up to the monsters skin and it melted. [What?! What about your jeans?] I repeatedly did this until I reached the heart of the thing; I was semi surprised it had one. I took the button and shoved it into the heart as hard as I could. Suddenly I had a sensation of falling and that’s all I remember. The next time I opened my eyes I was staring at the ceiling of a hospital room. I was dazed and confused, and my head felt like it had been through the spin cycle of a washing machine. I looked around curious of my surroundings, I saw my mother in the corner of the room in a chair asleep. I thought about what had happened back at my school, I told my mom about it and she told me I just needed more sleep. I knew I had to talk to Mr. Gibbs, so when I got home I eagerly looked him up in the phonebook. As I dialed his number I thought of a million questions I wanted to ask him. He did not answer his phone, I tried every way I new of to get in touch with him, nothing. It was like he disappeared off the face of the earth. So my life went on but I always kept a sharp eye out for him because for some reason I just knew he was still out there. I still had the dreams and he was in them one day as I was walking out the door to go to school I swear I saw a little snail with a shell of armor, but it was gone before I got a closer look. Then I knew my world of dreams is real, I know I am The Dreamer. [Did your character call herself that or is that a real title in your story?]

I'm sorry, but a whole block of text is really intimidating to your poor readers. Please separate it into little paragraphs! :O
Also, it seems to me that everything just happens too fast! Try expanding the whole story more --- it will be more interesting and realistic.

Anyways, I think this could be a great story with some editing and expanding! Keep writing, and if you have any questions you can PM me.

~Rosie =]

I'll give this story a big review.

I woke with a start, in a cold sweat; I realized I was shaking violently. After calming my self down I glanced at the alarm clock next to my bed it was 6:00 only one hour till I had to get up to get ready for school. I figured I’d surprise my mom and be ready before then; I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. So I let my unwilling arms push me out of my warm bed. I stumbled to the other side of my room hoping my jeans were clean. I found them lying, folded on top of my dresser. I pulled off my four sizes-to-big pajama shirt and put on my blue t-shirt and jeans. My name is Dakota, Dakota Jameson, I’m fifteen…in a month.

Alright, the character woke up in a cold sweat and she did realize that she was shaking violently. But then right after that, she simply 'calmed' herself down. Show us what was going on inside her head, how she felt at the time -- was she scared? Confused? Indifferent?

As I brushed my teeth I thought about my dream that scared me so much. It was a strange dream there was a bat that was attracted to honey not blood, a snail that had a shell on armor, A paramedic Centaur, a bird called The Winged Warrior, A deadly dwarf, a dragon of destruction, and warrior giant, but what really caught my attention was a microscopic glob that when angry grew so big a Mack truck looked like an ant next to it. The thing was trying to destroy the other animals. I don’t (tense confusion: this should be "didn't") know why this dream scared me so much, but I was about to find out. I finished brushing my teeth I was a bit more awake now but it was not enough (this part should be an individual sentence, or linked with the "I finished brushing my teeth" with, say, a semi-colon). So I leaned down to my sink and turned on the water, I splashed myself in the face and felt a wave of shock run through my body, I was now awake. (same with the one before this)

The details of the dream could be written creatively in the beginning of the story or, it could explained within the first paragraph.

I halfheartedly pounded (do you mean "stomped"?) down the stairs, (comma) my book bag slung over one shoulder. I walked into the kitchen and poured my self a bowl of Cheerios nearly missing (what was missing? The Cheerios?). I ate slowly as to waste the extra time I created for myself. Just as I finished my cereal my mom came in dragging her feet. (Full stop, new sentence) She wore her white fuzzy bathrobe that had her company logo on it, she worked for Meybohm reality (this would work better if you put it as an individual sentence, then expanded), she also had on a pair of dark green slippers. She looked like a worn angel (what? why?) . (Full stop, new sentence) She looked over at me, surprised she straightened up and cleared her throat “sweetie” she said “what are you doing up so early” I shrugged and said “I don’t know, just couldn’t sleep” she just nodded and turned to make some coffee. (Dialogue should be separated into individual sentences. This makes it clearer, more coherent.) Smells of coffee beans filled the kitchen.

That's all I'm going to go over. You have a lot of work to do if you want to recreate any semblance of a good story in this piece you've written. Now, you have a lot to improve, especially on clauses, independent ideas and dialogue.

And, oh my. That final paragraph is just daunting to read. Please separate it into at least three paragraphs.

Plot: 3/10
Quite an uninteresting plot. I didn't get hooked to the story -- I suggest properly planning the story through before you start.
Character: 2/10
The MC was even less interesting.
Syntax, word choice and punctuation: 1/10
This was where you struggled the most. Use a thesaurus when you're writing, because trust me, it'll be incredibly useful. Try reading a good book or another good short story. Study the way the writer conveys information, how he or she uses commas, conjunctions and clauses. Before writing a story, it is crucial that you actually know how to write well first.
Theme: 0/10
I did not understand the theme at all. It was awkward, strange.

Total: 6/40
Average: 1.5/40

I think your main problem here is your writing. There's always room for improvement! Try some word exercises from a school textbook. Work on proper tense usage, sentence structure and dialogue. I know you can do better -- this appears to be one of your first stories. Don't worry, you have a lot of time to improve, but you have to start now if you want to be a good writer!

Also, if you want me to completely scan the rest of this story for grammatical mistakes etc., simply PM me!

Thanks for the comments. I am happy someone read it. I'll definitely work on it more and prefect it.

Awesome, greenfreak101!

My critiques/comments:
*You need a little help with grammar. Lots o' periods.
*I liked your story line, it was very engaging, and i enjoyed reading it.
*i love the named Dakota.

I woke with a start, in a cold sweat; I realized I was shaking violently. After calming my self down I glanced at the alarm clock next to my bed it, was 6:00 only one hour till I had to get up to get ready for school. (I would either use the comma in the sentence, or make it two.) I figured I’d surprise my mom and be ready before then; I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. So I let my unwilling arms push me out of my warm bed. I stumbled to the other side of my room hoping my jeans were clean. I found them lying, folded on top of my dresser. I pulled off my four sizes-to-big pajama shirt and put on my blue t-shirt and jeans. My name is Dakota, Dakota Jameson, I’m fifteen…in a month. Okay, too much "I". Four sentences straight began with 'I', which isn't horrible, but even that much disrupts the flow and really makes me want to stop reading.

As I brushed my teeth I thought about my dream that scared me so much. It was a strange dream, there was a bat that was attracted to honey not blood, a snail that had a shell on (should this be of) armor, A paramedic Centaur, a bird called The Winged Warrior, A deadly dwarf, a dragon of destruction, and warrior giant, but what really caught my attention was a microscopic glob that when angry grew so big a Mack truck looked like an ant next to it. The thing was trying to destroy the other animals. I don’t know why this dream scared me so much, but I was about to find out. I finished brushing my teeth, I was a bit more awake now but it was not enough. So I leaned down to my sink and turned on the water, I splashed myself in the face and felt a wave of shock run through my body, I was now awake.

I half heartedly pounded down the stairs my book bag slung over one shoulder. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself (one word) a bowl of Cheerios, nearly missing. I ate slowly as to waist the extra time I created for myself. Just as I finished my cereal my mom came in dragging her feet. She wore her white fuzzy bathrobe that had her company logo on it, she worked for Meybohm reality, she also had on a pair of dark green slippers. (A comma could have worked too) She looked like a worn angel, she looked (too repetitive after saying she looked already in the same sentence. Try glanced, cast her aze,etc.) over at me, surprised she straitened up and cleared her throat. “Sweetie,” she said “what are you doing up so early?” I shrugged and said “I don’t know, just couldn’t sleep.” she just nodded and turned to make some coffee. Smells of coffee beans filled the kitchen.

Once we were both up and semi-awake it was time to go. So our reluctant legs carried us to my mom's Toyota Camry. We drove in silence besides the sounds of the engine roaring. We pulled up to my school, McDafiney high. Out on the front lawn all the cheerleaders were over in their corner ‘practicing’ their cheers, or in other words trying to impress the football players. Then there was all the normal people, as I was pondering this first bell rang so I headed to homeroom. I walked into class and went to my seat in the back of the class. This is the part were most people say ‘and sat down behind my friend’ but the thing is I have no friends I’m a loner its hard and sometimes I wish I could just run away and start over.

When I looked up I saw Mrs. Zane, a middle aged woman with long brown hair and blue eyes, looking at me, she almost looked sad. Grammar was a long class I didn’t understand most of it, when the bell rang I grabbed all my books and headed for the door as was about to leave I heard my name I spun around on my heals to Mrs. Zane and said “Yes Mrs. Zane,” she looked at me and said “You are failing Grammar and you need to bring up your grade or I’ll have to hold you back’. I was not surprised by this because I am not very enthusiastic about English, but I try my hardest. I went through the day normally, for lunch I had a salad with some Root Beer, and then came history. When class started I was looking around the room at all the armor, swords, and spears. The room didn’t look like a school room it looked more like a library, it had books piled all over the room, and some so tall they touch the ceiling.

Mr. Gibbs our teacher walked in he’s an older man, but he is very nice and kind of mysteries. He lectured the class on The Civil War after he finished he gave us homework to work on for the rest of class. Well one of the boys in the third row of seats was stamping his foot impatiently Mr. Gibbs got wide eyed and told him to stop but it was to late, a huge glob thing grew from were the boys foot had been only seconds ago, it was a bone chilling. The thing smelled like old tuna that was wrapped in gym socks and thrown in a bucket of dung times ten, had unnaturally razor sharp teeth and it had armor (as if it needed any) made of bone and metal it. I recognized it immediately it was the glob from my dream. I blinked fast and looked again, so this wasn’t another dream this was real. Everyone was screaming and running around the school Mr. Gibbs and I were the only ones not screaming me because I was thinking, him I didn’t know why, but I wasn’t going to wait around to find out. I grabbed the sword from the suit of armor and subconsciously started going at the monster it bellowed a teeth chattering roar and turned towards me a large slimy hand passed behind me destroying pile after pile of books its hand came around and grabbed Mr. Gibbs. I yelled “Hey slim ball” and tried to clank around the sword to get its attention but nothing worked. I was very angry now, full of rage I charged at the beast write as I was about to stab it with the sword, the part I tried it stab dissolved and I fell through the hole on to the floor and there I was in a little hollow, I realized that I was in the stomach of the glob. As I helplessly, sat in my little hollow I looked around and thought about Mr. Gibbs what would I do? I threw the sword down in frustration it melted write through the monster so I thought ether it couldn’t stand aluminum or just metal. I was thinking hard now I finally thought of something, I tore the button off my jeans and held it up to the monsters skin and it melted. I repeatedly did this until I reached the heart of the thing; I was semi surprised it had one. I took the button and shoved it into the heart as hard as I could. Suddenly I had a sensation of falling and that’s all I remember. The next time I opened my eyes I was staring at the ceiling of a hospital room. I was dazed and confused, and my head felt like it had been through the spin cycle of a washing machine. I looked around curious of my surroundings, I saw my mother in the corner of the room in a chair asleep. I thought about what had happened back at my school, I told my mom about it and she told me I just needed more sleep. I knew I had to talk to Mr. Gibbs, so when I got home I eagerly looked him up in the phonebook. As I dialed his number I thought of a million questions I wanted to ask him. He did not answer his phone, I tried every way I new of to get in touch with him, nothing. It was like he disappeared off the face of the earth. So my life went on but I always kept a sharp eye out for him because for some reason I just knew he was still out there. I still had the dreams and he was in them one day as I was walking out the door to go to school I swear I saw a little snail with a shell of armor, but it was gone before I got a closer look. Then I knew my world of dreams is real, I know I am The Dreamer.

Okay, overall very interesting story. But you need some grammar help, punctuation and all. A lot of punctuation problems. Also, you need to work on your word choice. Some of your words and word placement got a little repetitive. And I didn't always like the character interaction... The mom and MC seemed so distant to me. I also didn't like the story ending, it seemed like you were in too big of a rush to end it. You also switch to present tense rather abruptly in the last sentence. It just sort of throws me off. Overall, an interesting read! Keep it up! Pm me with any questions you may have.

Okay so this happens to be my first review and first post so I am by no means an expert but heres some things that I thought were worthy of being shared:

At the start of the story you where describing more than telling but as it progressed it became more rushed. Not in an action-like pace but you seemed to have wrote it in a hurry jumping from one scene to the next listing off things that happened. I understand closer to the end of your story it's suppose to be fast paced but describing what is going on brings a clearer picture to mind than just telling us what happens next.

But as comes criticism there are always compliments to accompany it.

The story is really creative and has an interesting plot that with a little work, mostly in description, will prove to be an entertaining tale.

The only advice I would say would be slow it down by describing to us what happens more than telling.

Hope to read more of your works in the future

Sincerely, SkillfulAmerica.

Hello! I know you've already had a fair few replies but the more the better eh?

Firstly I think the idea has potential to move forward, you have made a good start and I really think you could do great things with this concept.

Lots of people have said about your Grammar but seeing as you are still quite a young writer this will come in time. I do think however you need to consider everything you're including in the text, discussing what you had for lunch before going to history is all very well but it adds unnecessary bulk to the story and makes it sound like a diary entry rather than a piece of fiction. Your style is good as it reads easily however over description will mix things up. Stick to the point and and don't get distracted. Imagine everything you're writing is an arrow toward the conclusion.

Secondly when you want to include speech in the text it gets a whole new line, indent it and make it run with the story, don't just leave it hanging there with a 'and I said "..." before doing something else'. Make it lead the story, speech is a brilliant way to move a plot around subtly. I would imagine you do some creative writing at school but often how to do the basics is left off the teaching list.

Regardless of this I think you have potential if you keep practising, if you need help with grammar I'll happily help you out if you want, just ask.

Like I said though, good start, especially for your age, just keep practising!