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If Only They Had Read the Instructions



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Wed Oct 06, 2010 3:46 am
Lavvie says...



This was for an English project. We'd read The Veldt by Ray Bradbury and I chose to write a science-fiction story that incorporated a tragic event caused by a futuristic mechanism. If you wish to read The Veldt, click the link (http://www.veddma.com/veddma/Veldt.htm). It's super small (the text), so if you look at the bottom of the Internet thing, there is a magnifying glass with a plus in it: set this to anything above 100% if you can't read it :)

Anyway, here's the story:


It’s the year 2121. A flustered man, robed in a stained white coat and large plastic protective glasses, is compiling a booklet of directions and precautions regarding his newly-created mechanism.
This man has had many encounters with mysterious instruments during his lifetime. Being parentless since a young age, he had to grow up quote quickly compared to society’s standards about children and parenting. He regrets not having parents to discuss problems with, but he only knows what really happened to his parents and he was to blame...and it was all because of a mechanism that had the capability of changing one’s healthy—mentally and physically.
That’s why he’s being extra cautious about this machine he’s just created. A machine meant for good, but could change someone’s life for the worst in a matter of minutes...

Clark and Azalea eyed the machine warily. It was as tall as two six-foot humans and the width of two small cars set lengthwise. It was nothing to think of lightly. A large screen that bore the word “Welcome” glowed in the front with a bluish tinge. The two siblings stared at the device in utter awe.
It was a time-portal, Clark and Azalea had learned after reading the side, one that only moved to important events of the inputted year. It had been made some fifty odd years ago and never been used since its fabrication. Everything looked brand-new about it, if a little dusty from sitting in a corner for a while. Below the large front screen, there hung a booklet, faded with age and anything but decipherable. Azalea stepped forward, unhooked the manuscript and threw it off to the side, obviously useless since they couldn’t read it. She stepped back in line with her brother.
“What do you say we do with it?” Azalea asked.
“Let’s test it out,” Clark, her brother, responded. “If it’s been unused for a long time, it might not work now.” Azalea nodded in agreement and the two stepped forward. Clark walked in the entrance that was on the left side and his sister followed.
Inside was a sort-of office. Two futuristic-looking chairs were nailed to the time-portal’s floor and a large screen that showed a current view of the basement was placed in front of a desk that had rows and rows of buttons. The siblings each took a seat.
“I wonder how this machine travels back in time?” Clark murmured to himself. He leaned over the giant control desk and pressed a button that said “Time and Place”. On the screen, the basement image disappeared and a computer menu took its place. Azalea quickly typed in the year 2121. The entrance doorway suddenly slammed shut and the two siblings felt themselves tumble about the inside of the machine like two dolls in a moving dollhouse. Once the gadget stopped its violent rolling, the doorway once again opened and Clark and Azalea were faced with an image of a scientist, eyes wild with adrenaline, creating a machine much like the one they were in. Azalea ran up to the man, who did not notice her. She tapped him on the shoulder, but he didn’t turn to look at her. She shook him lightly, but still he didn’t pay attention. It soon came clear that anyone who used the portal couldn’t communicate with people of the past. Azalea ran back to the machine where Clark waited.
“I can’t talk to him.” And Azalea explained the rest. Clark nodded when she was done and they returned to the time-portal.
“Still, we can see the past. Think of all the things we can see!” Clark cried once they were back home in their basement.
“It is wonderful, this time-portal,” Azalea agreed. She and her brother stepped out of the machine back into the coolness of their basement. They faced their parents, who looked angry in expression and stance. And when they spoke, their tone was like nails on a blackboard.
“I see you’ve found a little toy, Clark and Azalea,” said Mrs. Higgins, the mother.
“Yes.” The children shuffled.
“Things that are unknown can be very dangerous,” said Mr. Higgins.
“We know.” The children looked at their feet.
“Perhaps you mustn’t continue the use of it. As a time-portal, a bunch of things can get easily messed up.” The mother looked at the children sternly, who still didn’t dare a take a peek at their parents’ faces.
“No!” Azalea and Clark cried, now looking up suddenly. “It really seems great! Perhaps we can show you!” The children pulled their parents into the machine and urgently typed in the year 2100, when a great celebration had been held.
At arrival in the year, the family saw a jubilant festival, with music and dancers, ethnic foods and people. The parents couldn’t help but remember these festivities when they were a child, and Azalea and Clark had always wanted to witness the great celebration. Little did the family know, a horrible thing was about to happen.
The family was heading back to the time-portal when the machine started to shake, like it was about to head back to the basement. The family started sprinting towards the machine and only Mr. and Mrs. Higgins made it. The door closed just as Clark and Azalea tried to reach the time-portal and only then did they remember a sentence that hadn’t faded in the manuscript. It had read: “You only have twenty minutes to visit the place you wish. And then if you miss your time, you shall never return to your real life.” Yes, the children were stranded in a place where they couldn’t live, and they wouldn’t. They would starve. The parents would never be able to find their children again. It was a heartbreaking thing to acknowledge, but only true. And it was a consequence to those who hadn’t read the instruction booklet. Because, if the Higgins family had paid any attention to it, they would have been reminded of a story, another heartbreaking story. Because the inventor of the time-portal was not to be trusted as he was named Peter Hadley.


What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl
  





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Wed Oct 06, 2010 6:36 am
Snoink says...



Very Twilight-Zone of you! I like it. :) Then again, I'm kind of a sucker for science fiction, lol. Plus, it's science fiction that talks about the consequences of technology... actually, that was the sort of stuff that fascinated me and made me want to go into science in the first place. It just sounded so interesting!

A couple of things... when you're set in a futuristic time, such as 2121, don't call anything futuristic, lol. It'll sound weird. Just describe it.

It seems weird that the parents of them wouldn't try to punish them or something for using the time machine without their permission. Also, it seems weird that the parents would be led on as much as they were by the children. You might want to delve into that a bit!

Still, I did like that overall. And, is Ray Bradbury awesome or what?
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Thu Oct 07, 2010 1:54 am
Lavvie says...



Ray Bradbury is awesome :) I loved his story...hence why I'm into creepy currently XD

Lavvi


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Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:14 pm
aweqs says...



Hey :)
I am going to review your story now... obviously xD
Sorry, ill start now :)
comments and correction will be done in bold.
all ideas are just suggestions
It’s the year 2121. A flustered man, robed in a stained white coat and large, plasticdont think you need this description :)protective glasses, is compiling a booklet of directions and precautions regarding his newly-created mechanism.

This man has had many encounters with mysterious instruments during his lifetime. Being parentless since a young age, he had to grow up quote is that meant to be there?quickly compared to society’s standards about children and parenting. He regrets not having parents to discuss problems with, but he onlyonly he may work better... knows what really happened to his parents and he was to blame...and it was all because of a mechanism that had the capability of changing one’s healthy—mentally and physically.

That’s is why he’s being extra cautious about thisthe machine he’s just created. A machine meant for good, but could change someone’s life for the worst in a matter of minutes...

Clark and Azalea eyed the machine warily. It was as tall as two six-foot i dont know why, but that doesnt flow, mayube say 'two full grown' instead :)humans and the width of two small cars set lengthwise. It was nothing to think maybe try 'not to be thought' of lightly. A large screen that bore the word “Welcome” glowed in the front with a bluish tinge. The two siblings stared at the device in utter awe.

It was a time-portal, Clark and Azalea had learned after reading the side, one that only moved to important events of the inputted year. It had been made some fifty odd years ago and never been used since its fabrication. Everything looked brand-new about it, if a little dusty from sitting in a corner for a while.there is something about this sentence that doesnt flow... maybe try " it looked brand-new, apart from the light layer of dust gathering on its surfaces. Below the large front screen, there hung a booklet, faded with age and anything but decipherable. Azalea stepped forward, unhooked the manuscript and threw it off to the side, obviously useless since they couldn’t read it. She stepped back in line with her brother.

“What do you say we do with it?” Azalea asked.

“Let’s test it out,” Clark, her brother, responded. “If it’s been unused for a long time, it might not work now.” Azalea nodded in agreement and the two stepped forward. Clark walked in the entrance that was on the left side to the left of the screen..? and his sister followed.

Inside was a sort-of office. Two futuristic-looking chairs were nailed to the time-portal’s floor and a large screen that showed a current view of the basement was placed in front of a desk that had rows and rows of buttons. The siblings each took a seat.

“I wonder how this machine travels back in time?” Clark murmured to himself. He leaned over the giant control desk and pressed a button that said “Time and Place”. On the screen, the basement image disappeared and a computer menu took its place. Azalea quickly typed in the year 2121 wait, im confused now, are they in the same year as the original inventor, or are they years before or after? Please state this before you even begin talking about these two :). The entrance doorway suddenly slammed shut and the two siblings felt themselves tumble about the inside of the machine like two dolls in a moving dollhouse.love that metaphor :) Once the gadget stopped its violent rollinglurching would work nicely :), the doorway once again opened once again and Clark and Azalea were faced with an imagethe scene of a scientist, eyes wild with adrenaline, creating a machine much like the one they were in. Azalea ran up to the man, who did not notice her. She tapped him on the shoulder, but he didn’t turn to look at her. She shook him lightly, but still he didn’t pay attention. It soon became clear that anyone who used the portal couldn’t communicate with people of the past. Azalea ran back to the machine where Clark waited.

“I can’t talk to him.” And Azalea explained the rest. Clark nodded when she was done and they returned to the time-portal.

“Still, we can see the past. Think of all the things we can see!” Clark cried once they were back home in their basement.

“It is wonderful, this time-portal,” Azalea agreed. She and her brother stepped out of the machine back into the coolness of their basement. They faced their parents, who looked angry in expression and stance. And when they spoke, their tone was like nails on a blackboard.

“I see you’ve found a little toy, Clark and Azalea,” said Mrs. Higgins, the mother.

“Yes.” The children shuffled.

“Things that are unknown can be very dangerous,” said Mr. Higgins.

“We know.” The children looked at their feet.

Perhaps You mustn’t continue the use of it. As a time-portal, a bunch of things can get easily messed up.” The mother looked at the children sternly, who still didn’t dare a take a peek at their parents’ faces.

“No!” Azalea and Clark cried, now looking up suddenly. “It really seems great! Perhaps we can show you!” The children pulled their parents into the machine and urgently typed in the year 2100, when a great celebration had been held.

At arrival in the year, the family saw a jubilant festival, with music and dancers, ethnic foods and people. The parents couldn’t help but remember these festivities when they were a child, and Azalea and Clark had always wanted to witness the great celebration. Little did the family know, a horrible thing was about to happen.

The family was heading back to the time-portal when the machine started to shake, like it was about to head back to the basement. The family started sprinting towards the machine and only Mr. and Mrs. Higgins made it.
a new paragraph :)The door closed just as Clark and Azalea tried toreached the time-portal and only then did they remember a sentence that hadn’t faded in the manuscript. It had read: “You only have twenty minutes to visit the place you wish. And then if you miss your time, you shall never return to your real life.” Yes, the children were stranded in a place where they couldn’t live,and they wouldnt. They would starve. explain why they will- because they cant eat food form the past?The parents would never be able to find their children again. It was a heartbreaking thing to acknowledge, but only true. And it was a consequence to those who hadn’t read the instruction booklet. Because, if the Higgins family had paid any attention to it, they would have been reminded of a story, another heartbreakinguse a different word- devastating? story. Because the inventor of the time-portal was not to be trusted ,as he was named Peter Hadley.




This story was well written, with perfect use of punctuation.
I was very picky with this story- so dont feel targeted or anything!
The idea was not that original, but i liked the way you rewrote the classic plot "stuck in the past" :)
The ending was really random, and didnt make sense- well, to me anyway!
is the name Peter Hadley significant?
please explain :)

You have used a great range of volcabulary, and the story wasnt too long or too short :)

Keep Writing!
-Ava

/Isha:/= To be honest, we are talking about mostly nothing which in its own essence is something. But somethingness can't be nothing if there isn't nothing in the first place. So really, we're talking about meaningly somethingness that's technically caused by nothingness.


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