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The History of Time



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Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:17 pm
Funkymomo says...



Hi. This is just a small sample of how I write. And the end of this piece is not the end of this story. It probably needs a lot of work.


History of Time
By Funkymomo

Tick, tick, tick. The frail old man stares, waiting, at the clock. The hand moves slowly, taunting him. It is saying, “ Time is against you, you can’t stop me.” He stares at it, challenging it to go faster, stop, do anything but it’s persistent ticking.

2,371 ticks later, it stops. For twenty years the man has been waiting in this small room, devoid of fresh air and sunlight, but is there still a sun? The man doesn’t know, the only light he’s seen in twenty years is the small flickering light of a candle that seems to never go out. He’s been waiting for this, for the clock to stop and the world to end, for him to finally be free of an empty, dying world. In the last second of time, he looks down. The floor is nowhere, the clock is nowhere, and he is nowhere. The world has ended, or maybe, it has just begun.

Forever, yet never, later.

A spark. A small something starts the time again. Out of nowhere the spark comes, or perhaps nowhere is everywhere, it’s hard to tell in a world of nothing. The spark grows, energy blossoming outward and spiraling, creating other beings. A rock, becomes of the spark. It grows and multiplies until it is a planet. more sparks appear, creating a network of rocks and balls of energy. Time has started again. you can count to two and in that time see something happen, see something being created. No one is there to count to two though, and no one will be there for trillions of trillions of seconds. But you don’t want to hear what happened in those trillions of seconds, you know that other planets are being formed in the time, and you know that Earth is one of them. Possibly the most interesting planet in the universe, and probably your homeworld. ( unless you're an alien! haha, sorry just had to add that!)
Last edited by Funkymomo on Tue Dec 21, 2010 8:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Light one candle instead of cursing the darkness.
  





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Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:14 am
SporkPunk says...



Hi funkymomo! Can I call you Momo? Welcome to YWS!

Grammar:
I found a few things, but nothing serious. Proofreading can take care of these errors.

deviod

Devoid. Just a typo. :)

it’s

Wrong form of "it's" here. You mean to use "its" which is possession. The clock owns the ticking, in a way. The easiest was to remember their differences are to think of contractions and how they always have to have an apostrophe. "It's" means it is. xD

I think, for some of your wording, you can experiment with how you convey thoughts. Right now, it's very straightforward, you know, "[Noun] is [adjective]" That's okay, but you could try almost "painting a picture" with your words. Don't just say the Earth is interesting, show the reader why. Just play around with that, if you'd like.

Other than that, I thought your idea was really, really cool. I like it and I want to read more! :D

---Sporks
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

REVIEWS FOR YOU | | Uprising (coming soon!)
  





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Tue Oct 12, 2010 4:18 am
ObWriter97 says...



WOW. Really made me think Bub'. Can't really critique you on grammar since I'm not good in that department either, but keep up with the mind blowing ideas:)
  





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Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:07 pm
Funkymomo says...



thanks!
Light one candle instead of cursing the darkness.
  





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Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:30 pm
Kwantack says...



Dude, that's so cool! I couldn't take my eyes off of it (congrats on that). Just a few things: try not to use "The" so much for the beginning of your sentences. They can easily be changed like this...Oh, I'll just use the first sentece for an example: 'The frail old man stares, waiting, at the clock.' I'd do something like 'Waiting, the frail old man stares at the clock.' But that sentence really sounds cool, so I'd suggest leaving the 'The' and changing some other sentences. Also, I think you capatalized The in the middle of one of the sentences, which isn't a big deal--just some editing, really. I loved how you isolated that one sentence in the middle of the piece. It gives it significance. But overall, I say good job!
"The only bad ideas are the ones never tried." - Puck, The Sisters Grimm
  





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Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:51 pm
Fortissimo says...



As a friend, I must say, this is not my favorite out of your pieces. Personally, I like the fantasy side of you. In my opinion, you seem to have more fun, and be more creative with those. Not saying you should never write any other kind of story, most people will agree, being well-rounded is the best. Anyway, I suppose I'm just not used to anything but the fantasy side of Momo.
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Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:19 pm
aweqs says...



This piece is cool, and quite thought-provoking...
and random too! xD

I like it though, please continue, i think this could be a great start to a story!
-Ava

/Isha:/= To be honest, we are talking about mostly nothing which in its own essence is something. But somethingness can't be nothing if there isn't nothing in the first place. So really, we're talking about meaningly somethingness that's technically caused by nothingness.


The Smiley Spammer
  





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Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:27 pm
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Justagirl says...



This is a really cool piece, you HAVE to write more :)! Not particularly about time or anything, this piece is perfect length the way it is. But write other things too, and post them so I can see them!!! I'd love to read more of your works... :)

Keep writing!
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~
  





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Mon Dec 20, 2010 12:53 am
Renn says...



This is really discriptive and I can totally see it in my head! It does seem a little like Iron Hand by Charlie Fletcher... if you've read that. You might like it.
'Evil exists in all of us Torak. Some fight it. Some feed it. That is how it has always been.'

"There is always a choice," said Torak, and he backed off the cliff.
  





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Tue Dec 21, 2010 4:21 pm
spike71294 says...



First of all, the general impression- this was a really cool, thought provoking, somewhat deep piece in which you are trying to say that life is a circle?

I like how the world ends and begins again, it says something very strong, according to me that is.

You said that this wasn't the ending so I can't really comment on the length of this piece, but even if it wasn't it would've been somewhat complete.

Also your language was very poetic- "Forever, yet never, later."- this was a really cool line :), I kinda write this way.

"The world has ended, or has it begun."

Shouldn't there be a question mark in the end?

I would love to read more works of you. You are a nice writer :)
  





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Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:55 pm
Sierra says...



Tick, tick, tick. The frail old man stares, waiting, at the clock. The hand moves slowly, taunting him I love this sentence.. It is saying, “Time is against you, you can’t stop me.” He stares at it, challenging it to go faster, stop, do anything but it’s persistent ticking. 2,371 ticks later, it stops This is a bit abrupt. I also think you should started a new paragraph here. For twenty years The man has been waiting in this small room, deviod It's spelled 'devoid'of fresh air and sunlight, but is there still a sun? The man doesn’t know, the only light he’s seen in twenty years is the small flickering light of a candle that seems to never go out. He’s been waiting for this, for the clock to stop and the world to end.But he looks down This is a bit awkward. I think you should take off the 'but'. The floor is nowhere, the clock is nowhere, and he is nowhere. The world has ended, or has it begun. The last sentence should end in a question mark.

Forever, yet never, later. This doesn't make sense.

A spark. A small something starts the time again. Out of nowhere the spark comes, or perhaps nowhere is everywhere, it’s hard to tell in a world of nothing. The spark grows, energy blossoming outward and spiraling, creating other beings. A rock, becomes of the spark. It grows and multiplies until it is a planet. more sparks appear, creating a network of rocks and balls of energy. Time has started again. you can count to two and in that time see something happen, see something being created. No one is there to count to two though, and no one will be there for trillions of trillions of seconds. But you don’t want to hear what happened in those trillions of seconds, you know that other planets are being formed in the time, and you know that Earth is one of them. Possibly the most interesting planet in the universe, and probably your homeworld.
I love this entire paragraph. I can't find anything wrong with it. The imagery is great!

Loved it!! Keep writing!!
Sparkles,
Sierra
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2011 3:04 am
ChadJ says...



This seems very poetic to me. It has a definite tension especially with you using the precise measurements of seconds (and just because seconds seem to be a meaningless and tedious measurement). Interesting existential feel of what appears to me to be an origin story? Maybe an ending story, not quite sure on that but good work!
  





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Sun Feb 06, 2011 9:09 pm
jcipriano1 says...



This sends a great description of how the universe formed and is very symbolic as well (the old man waiting). Messages can be seriously woven into the descriptions with this type of writing. Certainly made me think! Keep it up!
"Imagination is more important than knowledge" -Albert Einstien
  





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Mon Feb 28, 2011 12:21 pm
ilovemyboys says...



Wow. I thought this was great! You have a talent for writing, Though the chuck at the end was kind of difficult to read, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. The last few sentences, how ever, were quite rambling, but the braceted bit at the end made he laugh a little.
Bute, seriously dude, this is awesome. You need to write more of this pronto :)
Keep writing!
Georgie xox
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
-Skin, Sixx:A.M
  





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Mon Feb 28, 2011 12:21 pm
ilovemyboys says...



Wow. I thought this was great! You have a talent for writing, Though the chuck at the end was kind of difficult to read, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. The last few sentences, how ever, were quite rambling, but the braceted bit at the end made he laugh a little.
Bute, seriously dude, this is awesome. You need to write more of this pronto :)
Keep writing!
Georgie xox
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
-Skin, Sixx:A.M
  








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