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What You're Missing



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Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:26 pm
silentpages says...



“Something’s missing.”
The words slipped past Anya’s lips, not for the first time. Most days, she could keep them buried under other, safer thoughts. But on warm pleasant days like that one, when it was quiet and peaceful, they had a nasty habit of wriggling out to warm themselves in the sun.
“Hm?” Colton asked after a long minute. “What did you say, Anya?”
They were sitting up on the hill, outside of town, where they’d been told again and again not to go. The city was spread out before them at a distance, light sparking off the chain link fences meant to keep wild animals out.
“Oh… Nothing,” the girl answered, the thoughts skittering away again, back into the dark shade of her mind.
The breeze ruffled her short auburn hair – let down from its usual tight bun – and tried to coax her long skirts up and away from her ankles.
Colton’s tie was loose. He kept plucking at it, though. Anya could almost hear his fingers itching to tighten it. He had never quite been able to match Anya’s eagerness to loosen up. It had taken her weeks just to persuade him to come out to the hill with her after she’d found the broken section of fence.
It had been so odd… Finding the gap in the fence, that is. It had been on another warm day. Her feet had been as rebellious as her thoughts, carrying her to the overgrown, unknown exit, and then past it, until she stumbled onto a little, weed-covered path. It was an escape route – sure to be forbidden if its location were known. It was like it had lain there for years, just waiting for her.
She’d followed the path all the way up to the hill, fighting the sense that she’d done so before, long ago; she’d never felt such a strong case of deja vu in all her life.
“Actually, I did say something,” Anya blurted.
There it goes again, she thought irritably, in regard to her tongue. When she lingered on certain, dangerous thoughts, it became twice as rebellious, spitting out words before she could stop it.
“Something’s missing,” she finished, thinking it too late to turn back.
“What do you mean?” Colton asked, nose wrinkling the way it always did when Anya said something he found odd.
“I don’t know.” Anya shrugged, tilting her head back to face the sun. “Just… Something. Something’s gone… Vanished.”
“Did you lose your handkerchief?”
Anya sighed. “No, Colton. Just forget I said anything. Shall we head back?”
~
“Mother, Father, I’m home!”
Mr. and Mrs. Hazelby poked both their heads into the hallway, smiling.
“Did you have a good time at the duck pond?”
“Yes, Mother.”
“That mean old goose left you alone, didn’t he?”
“Yes, Father.”
Mr. Hazelby returned to his study to finish his reports on that mythical contraption Anya had never been allowed to touch: the computer. Mrs. Hazelby went back to her embroidery; she’d almost finished Anya’s new dress.
Anya stayed in the entryway for a moment, thinking about what to do next. Today wasn’t a day for playing with dolls. She was too restless for a game like that. But there wasn’t much else she could play on her own, and Colton had been dragged home by his mother to do his lessons.
So… It would have to be dolls, then. At least that would keep her from her own lessons and stitching for a while longer. Playing the same old games of pretend with Mrs. Button and Longnose would be – at the very least – bearable.
For the millionth time, her gaze was drawn to the four framed pictures hanging on the wall as she started towards her room. In the first frame, her father. In the frame beside it, her mother. Below hung Anya, smiling in what was once her best dress. All three pictures had the same lighting, the same background… It was obvious that they’d been taken on the same occasion.
The fourth picture was the peculiar one. It had the same kind of frame as the other three, but the photo was an older one, of Anya’s grandparents (whom she’d never met). They wore strange clothing in the picture. Anya’s grandmother even seemed to be wearing trousers, like a boy. But that wasn’t what made Anya stare at that picture a little harder than all the others.
“Something’s missing,” she murmured again. But what?
~
She was sitting with Colton on the hill again just a day later when it happened.
The sun beat down demandingly, ordering her to… To what?
Remember.
She turned her head to say something to Colton, and then it hit her. A sharp ache in her heart. The sudden certainty that she’d done this before. That she’d sat on the hill, next to a boy Colton’s age.
But I was younger,” Anya thought dazedly. “I was younger, and he was laughing. And it was such a nice day…
“Anya!”
The girl’s mouth snapped shut, and she stared at Colton blankly, sure the feeling would leave in a minute, as it always did.
I’ve felt this before?
“I think I have to go home,” she said softly. She got to her feet and brushed off her skirts, Colton hurrying after her in bewilderment.
She remembered. Something.
A boy, walking in front of her, showing her the path. Showing her the gap in the fence. Laughing, laughing, always laughing and making her smile. Reading her stories – old books he got from Grandpa and-
No. Not them. Why would he get books from Anya’s grandparents?
Anya felt sick.
She started to run, leaving Colton behind, his shout of dismay not quite making it through her ears and into her head.
Images of the boy – Daydreams? Memories? – were everywhere. Leading her to the hill. Teasing the ducks in the pond near the fence. Running ahead of her and into the house before she could catch up.
Always laughing.
~
“His name is Alex.”
“Excuse me?” Dr. Gordon frowned, making a note on his papers.
“The boy. His name’s Alex.”
Anya tried to hold back tears, her lips stretched into a thin, strained grimace of a smile.
It had been three days since she first started to remember the boy – if she was really, truly, remembering. Her mind kept filling in blank after blank. Suddenly she had explanations for all the little things that had never quite made sense. Like why Father’s study had little toy boats carved into the part of the wall that met the floor, when Anya’s own room had little carved dolls. Like why there were four identical frames for only three similar pictures.
Like why Mother sometimes set four plates on the table instead of three, by mistake.
Anya was so sure the boy existed – had existed – somehow, sometime. Her mind was rising up against her will, battling her, dredging up long-hidden thoughts.
Anya had begun to wonder if she was going insane.
I knew I shouldn’t have told Colton,” she thought, scowling at Dr. Gordon.
She should’ve known her friend would tell her parents and the doctor. Wouldn’t she have done the same, if a friend of hers started babbling about a nonexistent older brother?
“I don’t know how, but I… I know,” Anya said pleadingly. “I just know. I’ve always felt like something’s missing, and now it’s like… I finally know what. I’m not crazy, Dr. Gordon, I just- I-”
She trailed off, shoulders shaking, and the doctor leaned forward to touch her shoulder, making soothing sounds.
“I know, Anya. I know. No one thinks you’re crazy.”
“That’s just what someone says when everyone does,” Anya said bitterly, crossing her arms in front of herself as tears dripped down her cheeks.
“No, Anya. It’s true. I believe you.”
“How could you? I don’t even believe me!”
“Because, Anya. You’re right. Alex was real.”
The words sunk in slowly. She felt far off, like she was watching everything from a distance, even as everything in her buzzed with relief.
Right. I’m right. Not crazy. He’s real. He…
“Was?” Her voice cracked.
Dr. Gordon looked at her sadly. It was just how Father had looked at her a few years ago, right before telling her that the baby bird she’d been trying to save had died in the night.
“Anya. This village… Is there any crime here?”
She shook her head in confusion. What did that have to do with anything?
“Any longstanding feuds between families? Any serious quarrels at all?”
She shook her head again.
“Well, there’s a reason for that, Anya.” Dr. Gordon fiddled with his pen, rolling it between his fingers, watching it so that his eyes didn’t meet hers. “The population of the city is kept very… pure. To avoid any… conflicts. People who may become ‘undesirable’ are… removed.”
A chill ran down Anya’s spine.
He was choosing his words too carefully. Hesitating. Why is he telling me this?
“Alex-” she began.
“-started to cause trouble,” Dr. Gordon interjected.
“So you just took him away?” Anya said in disbelief. They hadn’t said the word “murder” yet, but the implication was there.
Why is he telling me all this?
“It wasn’t the first time someone had to be removed,” the doctor said calmly. He looked tense – still fiddling with his pen, faster and faster – but the words he’d just spoken (that had given Anya such a sharp sense of dread) were not the cause of his anxiety.
“We have ways to make people forget,” he continued. “Treatments. The people don’t even realize something’s been taken away. No one suffers from the loss. It’s necessary, for the good of the city.”
He paused. “Sometimes the treatment doesn’t stick. People start to remember. So we give the treatment to them again, and that’s usually enough.”
Anya relaxed, just a little bit, though her horror did not lessen. At least she knew why he was telling her; she’d never remember this conversation.
“So that’s what you’ll do to me now, I suppose?” she said in a low voice, clenching her fists. “And I’ll just go back, and never know anything was ever wrong?” Bitterness and accusation fell from her lips.
Dr. Gordon shook his head slowly, giving her that awful, knowing look again. “No, Anya. No.”
He rose from his chair. “With some people, the treatment never really sticks.”
The door to the outside began to open.
“You’re one of those people.”
Two of the city’s most outstanding citizens entered, regarding Anya with that same, sad look.
She began to tremble. “I don’t understand.”
Dr. Gordon stared at her evenly.
“You’ve already been given the treatment, Anya. Many times. You’ve used up all of your chances to forget.”
~
Mrs. Hazelby straightened the third picture that hung in the entryway next to the picture of her parents, just below the portraits of her and her husband. That wedding picture of hers never seemed to hang straight.
She went to join her husband in the kitchen, heaving a heavy sigh. He squeezed her hand fondly. They’d always had a happy marriage, despite the absence of…
“Something wrong?” Mr. Hazelby asked his wife with a frown.
“No, not really,” she answered. “I’m just in one of those moods of mine… Celine’s daughter is engaged. Soon Celine will have grandkids crawling about the house.” A wistful smile found its way onto her face.
Her husband began to rub her back soothingly. “And then,” he said, “Celine will be expected to babysit at any given moment, and all her free time will disappear. Dear, you’ve seen how she and Robert fight all the time. You’ve heard them complain about their kids again and again. It’s for the best that we never had children. How about we go for a walk this evening?”
She nodded tiredly.
What he said was probably true. It was probably for the best. Occasionally she harbored some regrets, but it never took her long to remember all of the good things she and her husband would’ve missed if they’d had children.
She almost laughed as she entered her sewing room with a bittersweet glance at the little carved dolls smiling pleasantly where the wall met the floor – the previous owners had probably used the room as a nursery or some such thing.
All her friends were so sympathetic.
They just didn’t realize what they were missing.
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Sat Oct 16, 2010 11:14 pm
ultraviolet says...



Hi, ultraviolet here. <3

I read through this and could only fine one problem, grammar wise.

“But I was younger,” Anya thought dazedly. “I was younger, and he was laughing. And it was such a nice day…”


Since it's a thought, you don't need the quotation marks. I noticed you did this more than once, so you should read through this is change it.

This is actually a really nice story. It has a nice flow, and I particularly like the ending. I also like how, while a lot of sci fi stories have government that kidnaps those who have the potential to cause trouble, where those fail by loved ones interfering, this one erases memories, taking away the loop hole. It's as well thought out as it is written.

Sorry I couldn't be of any actual help, but I like this. Nice job. :)

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com
  





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Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:32 am
carelessaussie13 says...



Hi there,
Okay, first off, LOVED this! It was well-written, created suspense and brought conclusion to everything it promised. To be honest, you could totally flesh this out into a full-fledged novel, although, let's face it, this is very similar to The Giver by Lois Lowry (right? Lois Lowry?) The only constructive thing I have to suggest is the rounding of your characters. I'd like to see Colton have more of a personality, and the doctor has a big enough role that he could have some quirk, too. Other than that, really well done. You have an excellent grasp of the story; nothing ran away from you, which is commendable. Brava.
-Aussie
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark
  





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Sun Oct 17, 2010 6:10 am
emoinpink says...



I'm trying to tell you how much I loved this without using the words 'loved', 'really liked', 'brilliant' or amazing'. And failing miserably, but you get my point.

Anyhow. It's not exactly an original idea, but you wrote it very well. I liked the ending, but something about it was too... sudden. You didn't explain why the villagers needed to be controlled, and Anya didn't seem that rebellious too me. It was like, she remembers something, she dies. Maybe she could do a little more digging, asking awkward questions, going places she shouldn't? That would make her death seem more... justified.

But generally, I liked it. And that's all I have to say.
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.-Japanese Proverb
  





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Wed Nov 10, 2010 9:34 pm
aweqs says...



WOWOWOWOWWWW :O

This is an amazing piece of writing!!
The description was wonderful, and I loved the idea (although ive seen it before, i like your spin on it )
I couldnt find any grammatic mistakes, or punctuation mistakes.
JUST WOW.
You are a seriously amaizng writer!
This story had a distinctive beggining, middle and end.
and you used great vocabulary, etc etc.
I have nothing bad to say!!

WOW.
-Ava

/Isha:/= To be honest, we are talking about mostly nothing which in its own essence is something. But somethingness can't be nothing if there isn't nothing in the first place. So really, we're talking about meaningly somethingness that's technically caused by nothingness.


The Smiley Spammer
  





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Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:02 am
londoncalling says...



I loved the plot, it was fantastic. You clearly have a real talent for writing; the story really drew me in.

But I'd like to see you to extend on the story; it was all just so sudden. Once I had got into the story and was really sucked in, it had finished. I think structurally, it just needed to have a longer build in tension before the entire unravelling of the story of her brother; A longer journey to uncover the pieces of the puzzle could be a nice way of doing that, before going to the doctor to have it confirmed. I'd also like more of a forewarning of danger.

With your talent, I'm sure you could do that. I loved the way it suddenly cut to the parents though, your ending was marvellous. Stylistically it was brilliant; your language really helped to paint the scene and create a sense of excitement; my heart genuinely began to pound a little bit faster.

I think this might be the best thing I've read on here so far, actually. It was Brilliant!
  





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Sun Nov 14, 2010 4:15 am
angelwings13 says...



This was really gripping. I loved it! Some mistakes were already pointed out by previous reviewers so I don't feel the need to reiterate that. This really held my interest, nice work.
  





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Thu Dec 16, 2010 4:49 am
MeadowLark says...



Hi there!

Wow. This was pretty neat, and I really liked it. I don't read Sci-Fi very often. It's usually fantasy where I've got my head stuck into. But I am glad I jumped into another genre tonight.

Seeing as this is a short story, and I mean short, I didn't expect too much description. In fact, I was so wrapped in the story I never paid attention >.< But glancing back, I liked it. It was just that right amount. Not too much and not too little. Of course, where dialogue is involved, you could afford to toss some more there. So you don't have the whole "floating heads" thing going on.

You do have some commas where they don't belong. Just try reading out loud and you'll find those natural pauses where a comma belongs. And try reading sentences aloud where you have placed commas. I'm sure you will find one that jars the sentence into an unnecessary pause.

I really liked the MC. She was inquisitive and intriguing. Definitely what I look for in a character. And the world she lived in. Don't know too much about it, but I could feel it was different from what we live in. And the way they keep the city "Pure". Creepy. And how they drug everyone into forgetting things. Like they're own siblings or children. Extra creepy. And very sad.

Sorry, I suppose this isn't on the helpful review side. But I greatly enjoyed this. I half expected [probably 'cause I've been reading a lot of continued works today] it to continue on. But you ended it nicely. I still feel a little sad on how it ended though.

Toodles!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"
  








You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling