Young Writers Society

Hey YWS people! I wrote another short story during my History class, its a little rough, but I'd appreciate any reviews! Thanks!



"Hold still and be quiet!" the soldier next to me hissed. A large figure ran past the building we were hiding behind. I glanced at the soldier next to me, and saw that his eyes were wide with fear. His fingers were anxiously pulling at the trigger of his assault rifle.

Looking back to where the figure ran by, I saw a shadow on the ground, coming back towards the building where we were hiding. The soldier tugged on my shoulder, pulling me further into our hiding spot.

I heard the creature before I saw it. It was making a deep throat growl as it came into view. The creature was tall, about 8 feet, it had a purplish-blue skin color, and violet eyes with red pupils. Something dark green dripped from its teeth. I'm pretty sure that it was toxic.

"A Saith." the soldier cursed under his breath, as we pressed further back in our hiding spot. I shouldered my assault rifle, aiming it towards the Saith.

The gun clicked as it hit my shoulder, making a loud sound. The Saiths head snapped towards our direction, growling in a deep, thunderous voice.

The Slith opened its mouth, firing dark green ooze towards us. The soldier pushed me to one side, while dropping to his knees. The ooze missed him just barely, colliding into the wall. I looked back at the wall and saw that it was completely vaporized, revealing the city beyond it. The soldier looked shocked from the near death shot, and while shaking, brought his gun slowly up.

The soldier didn't have time to bring his gun all the way up before the Slith charged him. The Slith tackled the soldier taking him to the ground. As he hit the ground, his rifle went off and I felt a sharp pain in my right kneecap.

I yelled out in agonizing pain. My hand instantly shot down to my knee, feeling the hot liquid of my blood, as it flowed through my fingers creating a puddle on the ground.

The Saith looked at me, smelling the blood in the air. The soldier took this opportunity to bring his gun up and shoot the Saith through the torso, sending the Saith flying through the air, into the wall. I grabbed my gun and shot the Slith in the head, aware of the loss of blood in my knee.

"Sorry about that," the soldier sad as he ripped of part of his uniform to wrap my wound.

"My gun wasn't on full power thank God."

He held out his hand to help me up, and as I got up, I saw the Saith get up and come up behind the solder at lightnign speed. I couldn't even yell out before the Saith plunged his hand through the Soldier's torso, spraying my face with blood and killing the soldier.

The Saith retracted its hand and charged at me. I reached down towards my belt and grabbed one of the proton grenades while saying, "If I'm going to Hell, you're going with me." I pressed the button on the top of the grenade and felt the power and saw a flash of light....

Hey Jalmoc, nice work here, especially for some free time in class. With that in mind, it's good, with only a couple issues. I'll go over those first.

It was making a deep throat growl as it came into view.

"Was making" would sound better as just "made". And for "deep throat", that's a little unclear. "Deep-throated"? "Throaty"? "Guttural"? Re-word to clarify. As is, it doesn't quite make sense.

The creature was tall, about 8 feet, it had a purplish-blue skin color, and violet eyes with red pupils. Something dark green dripped from its teeth.

Info-dumping run-on. Break it up into different sentences, and try to show more instead of telling. For example, "An evil light shined in its red pupils." I like the description, but I still can't picture the creature. What body type does it have? Does it walk on all fours, or stand upright? Does it have hands? Does it have legs? Does it fly?

"A Saith." the soldier cursed under his breath, as we pressed further back in our hiding spot.

The period after "Saith" should be a comma, and no comma is needed after "breath".

The Saiths head snapped towards our direction, growling in a deep, thunderous voice.

Should be "Saith's".

The Slith opened its mouth, firing dark green ooze towards us

Now it's a "slith"? The first few times you say "saith", but from here on, you use "slith". Not sure if you decided to change the name of the creature or if it's just a lot of typos.

As he hit the ground, his rifle went off and I felt a sharp pain in my right kneecap.

At first I failed to see the connection between the rifle going off and the narrator being injured. Consider clarifying that the rifle was what injured him.

Nothing too serious after that, just watch typos. Overall, it's a good story, but we need a bit more description. I couldn't fully picture the setting. What does this city look like? What time of day is it? Who is the main character? What does the soldier look like? etc. It's good for a rough piece, but it needs a little work. You've clearly got talent with writing, because this is a well-written piece. Just expand a little more.

Keep it up.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

"Hold still and be quiet!" the soldier next to me hissed. A large figure ran past the building we were hiding behind. I glanced at the soldier next to me, and saw that his eyes were wide with fear. His fingers were anxiously pulling at the trigger of his assault rifle.

First off, this bit seems a bit choppy. If you combined some of the sentences and added a bit more detail, this could certainly help. Also, try to stay away from repeating yourself. for example, you used "the soldier next to me" twice.

Looking back to where the figure ran by, I saw a shadow on the ground, coming back towards the building where we were hiding. The soldier tugged on my shoulder, pulling me further into our hiding spot.

This is definitely better. The compound sentences allow more movement in your work, and they really flow nicely. Again, though, trying going more in depth on what's going on. Where are you? Why are you there? who is the person you are with? How did you meet? How do you relate? Do you two get along?
...I could go on, but I believe you get the point. I bring this up, however, simply because I write in this style on purpose. That is, I leave a lot of information out. This is to allow a dream-like affect. Like, the reader doesn't really know what's going on or how any of this came to be. If this is what you wanted, great! If not, then go ahead and add more detail.

I heard the creature before I saw it. It was making a deep throat growl as it came into view.

I would go ahead and combine that into "It made." It just allows the sentence to flow better.

The Slith opened its mouth, firing dark green ooze towards us. The soldier pushed me to one side, while dropping to his knees. The ooze missed him just barely, colliding into the wall. I looked back at the wall and saw that it was completely vaporized, revealing the city beyond it. The soldier looked shocked from the near death shot, and while shaking, brought his gun slowly up.

After this point, the entire structure of the story falls to bits. Try slowing down and really thinking about how you're laying your sentences out. This should help a lot. Also (and I have this problem a lot) I would seriously considering naming this soldier fellow, as the phrase "the soldier" appears way to often for my taste.

I did, however, like how you went into some detail about the ordeal. Just try slowing down and thinking about your sentence structure. Also, watch it when it comes to repetition. It can be a real plot-killer, especially when it comes to action. Hope this helps. Write on

Hey Jalmoc!

So, this is interesting, a bit rough yes, and could do better with editing. (I know, History can be a bit boring.)

So, first thing, in a couple of places you had mistyped Saith as Slith. Got me a little confused, but just a minor typo. There are a couple of other typos you'll have to fix too.
Now , this totally sounds like a video game with giant monsters and ooze. Not that it's bad, but I think you could add more description and liven it up. And I would like to know a bit more about the MC.
And you can spend some more time on how he was injured etc.

Keep writing.
~Lava

You have a good concept for this story right now, you do have some things you can improvement, but it would seem like Lava, yllufituaebroken and denj pointed out your errors. Other than those this is very good short story. Keep writing.

There is one small nitpick I found and that is the fact that throughout the whole piece the 'Saith' is portrayed as being a very dangerous creature, the fact it takes multiple shots and a grenade to possibly bring it down shows its a bad ass. If this is the case then why was the guards gun not on full power? It may seem picky but it just confused me as surely he would have had his gun on the most powerful setting to take the creature down

Apart from that I enjoyed it and liked the narrator referring to the soldier differently, implying he wasn't one which lets the imagination wander as to how he got into this predicament and got his weapons etc

Hey jalmoc! Ice here to review as requested!

The reviewers before me have already done their jobs, so my best advice for this little piece is that you go through it once and try to correct all the stuff pointed out before.

The creature was tall, about 8 feet, it had a purplish-blue skin color, and violet eyes with red pupils. Something dark green dripped from its teeth. I'm pretty sure that it was toxic.

Description is vital, especially for a science fiction story like this. How are we readers going to imagine the creature if you only hint that he looks like an evil and rabid version of an eggplant/Annoying Orange hybrid? (Wow, that is scary.) i'm pretty sure that's not the monster you had in mind, so write out a lengthy description! But don't over do it, okay?

Anyways, this was very rough and the sentences were choppy in some places, but it was definitely interesting. Keep writing, and keep requesting!

~iceprincess =]

Jalmoc, your speaking ‘voice’ is weak and choppy. You described action in few sentences as simple facts, stating them and moving on. What you should really do is linger over moments, especially the other soldier’s death. Sure, that’s not what happens in real life, but it needs to slow down for the audience to understand, or else you’ll never get anywhere.
Also, this whole piece was rather pointless. Two guys take out a single alien and die while trying. Is this the norm? A mirror image of the big Human-Alienic wars? Or is there really a big war at all? Are they on Earth?
You see, you need a bigger picture. You’ve given us one unimportant battle, one facet of a war. Quite truly, that’s not enough.
My suggestion is that you tell us where these soldiers came from (Some massive Human army) why they’re here (their mission) and what the big picture is (Why Humans and aliens are fighting).
Try that, and you may give the audience a bigger picture, a better view.

Another point. It’s rather clichéd. I know you couldn’t fix this without totally transforming the plot, but I’m pretty sure you could (and should) do it. The ending was good, non-clichéd, but the alien, the two soldiers and the general “deserted building” scene you seem to have built up looks like it was stolen from Halo, Call of Duty and Wall•e, respectively.

Work on it a bit more, elaborate on their weaponry (seriously, clicks and loud sounds?) their mission, the setting, their characters, the alien (change it and describe it a bit more) and the background story.

Jenth.

I thought this was awesome! And you did this during free time? Wow! I thought it was very good and interesting. Keep writing!