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The Villain's Hero (prologue)



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Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:25 am
WaywardBird says...



***Attention, this is a story I do not plan to finish, but need feedback on for assignment purposes. This prologue is designed to draw the reader in and make him/her want more, a practice publishing technique if you will. I would love feedback, 'cause it nothing beats free advice, so have at it. Thanks, -Bird***

A damp and windy street had the same character a haggard old war veteran might have had. Bricks and pavement were cracked from ivy and old age, and the iron railings had long since turned to rust.
A solitary spirit walked the street, giving no heed to the begging men who lined it.
“Quit your whining,” He muttered to them, “Get a job, beg on better streets, before you wind up like me.”
The homeless, confused at the stranger drew back from him like he was a leper. A presence came with the man, a haunting aura that bespoke of danger and power, a here-ness that could not be ignored by the wise.
The man continued on, his shoulders hunched and collar popped up. His walk was quick and gliding, as if he wanted to move fast but not draw attention to himself.
He left the street of the homeless and turned into an alley, a safe place of shadows and hiding places. He would rest here tonight, and then take off for Georgia in the morning, he decided. He watched in the darkness for the glinting of puddles, so he wouldn’t sit in any wetness.
A lowly dumpster harbored a dry but hidden place, and he started to lean up against the wall.
A quick figure and a knife pressed at his throat.
“I want all yo money. Right now, son.” The voice held no hope for a joke or misunderstanding.
The spirit listened carefully, then relaxed, “Put the knife away Little J.” His voice was calming. It tugged on the assaulter’s senses, making him think twice.
There was nearly no Power in his voice left, but just enough for Little J to lower the knife nervously and chuckle.
“De Vega. What da hell are you doin’ here? Boys all thought you was dead.”
“Close, but no cigar,” growled De Vega. Instinctively his hand shot to the back of his neck.
“Heard you got Stripped. Is it as bad as everyone says? ‘jew nearly die?” Laughter rippled through the voice.
The man called De Vega wanted to whisper to the man, to make him choke on his own breath, but he was in no circumstance to do that. His Power was gone, and his street reputation was already crumbling since his capture and Stripping. No, it was best just to lie low, and find another place to sleep.
“How’d they Strip you?” teased Little J, “’D they inject serums into you? Or hold you down and operate on ya for twenty-four hours strait? D’ they give you drugs that made you so afraid you pissed yo’self?” Little J pressed, “Huh, huh, what’d they do?”
De Vega was being overwhelmed, memories of harsh metal tables and long syringes made him cringe at Little J. “Enough,” He said softly, and tried to walk on.
Little J rounded on him, “You better clear out Valentine, or yo’ Company is gunna cum after you. That, o’ the hundred others you brought down.”
Valentine knew better than to say anything. As a Stripped Power, he had no status on the street anymore. He was but a ghost, little better than the druggies that draped themselves over trashcans in early dawn hours.
“My Company has forgotten about me.” He said, but even so he was not so sure. That was why he was running to Georgia. It was a safe place, a place for ghosts to hide and not be bothered by other complex things.
“Ha, I doubt it. You got sloppy Valentine, you messed-up.” Little J shook his hand at him. “Now by the end of this month you’ll’ve got the enti-yuh North Wolves Company on yo tail, and yo’ sweet talkin’ bu’hind.”
De Vega turned and looked back to Little J, whom never would have dared cross Valentine De Vega back when they were his own streets; a small street thief he wouldn’t ever see again if fate had any sense of mercy. But with all the things fate had seen him do, Valentine rather doubted it.
“You think yo’can run from dis?” Little J called as De Vega blended into the shadows. He left, quickly, not leaving behind a footprint or a sound. “You’ll need a Hero to become human again Mummer!”
But Valentine was already gone.
Last edited by WaywardBird on Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:52 am, edited 2 times in total.
Latina est TUMOROSUS senes ita sortem.
  





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Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:23 pm
Ladynagrom says...



Hi! I'm Nagorm and I'll be reviewing your story today! I'd like to say this was very interesting! I would definitely keep reading.

Nitpicks

WaywardBird wrote: The homeless, confused at the stranger; moved away from him as he walked by, like a leper

You don't need that semicolon there:

The homeless, confused at the stranger, moved away from him as he walked by, like a leper.

or possibly,

The homeless were confused by the stranger, they moved away from him as though he were a leper when he walked by.


WaywardBird wrote: He would rest here tonight, and then take off for Georgia in the morning he decided.


You need a colon between morning and he, and here needs to be there:

He would rest there tonight, and then take off for Georgia in the morning, he decided.

Or,

He decided he would rest there for that night, and then take off for Georgia in the morning.


WaywardBird wrote: “De Vega. What the hell are you doin’ here? Boys all thought you were dead.”

This one's a little iffy, because this is more my opinion. But when Little J says: "Boys all thought you were dead." , I personally think it would sound better if it was: "Boys all thought you was dead."



Other than a couple punctuation errors, you didn't do anything wrong. This was a very good story that caught my attention from the very beginning!
"I take a long time in the bathroom. It's what girls do. Excuse me for my gender." - Me to my brother
  





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Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:44 pm
WaywardBird says...



Thanks! That stuff made a whole lot more sense and sounds a lot better! :)
Latina est TUMOROSUS senes ita sortem.
  





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Sat Oct 30, 2010 5:28 pm
Lava says...



Hey there!

I do like this, but as a prologue, I think they should have a more ominous/vague feel and should be more of hooker. However, it is quite good.
The human continued on,
Don't use human. It seems to imply the beggars aren't.
I see you've given Valentine and J character through the dialogue but maybe you could put in a little description. But J's accent seemed to get thicker as it went on. You'll need to fix that.
“How’d they Strip you?” teased Little J, “’D they inject serums into you? Or hold you down and operate on ya for twenty-four hours strait? D’ they give you drugs that made you so afraid you pissed yo’self?” Little J pressed, “Huh, huh, what’d they do?”
De Vega was being overwhelmed, memories of harsh metal tables and long syringes made him cringe at Little J. “Enough,” He said softly, and tried to walk on.

This is a good block that would hook people in. Maybe work more around this rather than make him walk around and talk.
Last few lines were interesting but you need to make it more powerful and should hook people. You have the elements but you need to focus on something important and something that you would like to see in a prologue.

Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Sun Nov 07, 2010 4:02 pm
aweqs says...



Heyy :)

Im just gonna do a quick review for this piece ( dont expect much- i am an awful reviewer xDD )

I REALLY love it!
There is the perfect micture of mystery and information, and somehow you made the dialouge gripping and not boring- thats a real skill!
I really got the feel of the sinister streets and Valentines (love that name) situation!

I didnt notice any grammar/punctuation mistakes - but thats usually the case( < the reason why i am an awful reviewer- i can never find anything bad to say!)

PLEASE carry on with is, it couyld be a great novel- I would definitely read it! :)


-Ava

/Isha:/= To be honest, we are talking about mostly nothing which in its own essence is something. But somethingness can't be nothing if there isn't nothing in the first place. So really, we're talking about meaningly somethingness that's technically caused by nothingness.


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Sun Nov 07, 2010 6:31 pm
WaywardBird says...



haha, Thanks aweqs! I appreciate that,
Latina est TUMOROSUS senes ita sortem.
  








Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman