Young Writers Society

Mother never left the sentry robots unattended to for more than an hour. She knew what the risks were. Even though the robot's censors would trip an alarm if something got sufficiently close, it was still necessary to study the camera feeds on the command bridge.

Every now and then she would spy something that lurked off in the distant rocks and foliage. Then, she would put on her bio-suit and step outside the airlock and venture to the habitat's perimeter. She would fire off a few shots from her rifle into the brush. This was usually enough to scare away most small and medium sized creatures. But, the larger ones were a different story.

I spent most of my time in the greenhouse tending to our various crops. Mother would come in and say that she was going outside and I would usually nod in recogntion without looking up. The last time she came to the greenhouse, it was just like all the other times.

“Sure, mom...” I said as I continued about my work. “If I'm not back in twenty minutes, then, well, you know what to do.” she said. “You are going outside the habitat like usual?” I asked.
“Yes, I think there might be a spring that just opened up. I'm going to collect samples. There might be some undiscovered bacteria or lifeforms that we need to catalog.”
“Why do you waste your time with that stuff?” I said “You know the fleet isn't coming to rescue us!” Mother scowled at me and then left the room without saying a word. I yelled after her as she left “You're better off helping me in here! We still need to eat you know!”

I busied myself about my work until I glanced down at my watch and noticed that it had been twenty five minutes. “Damn it...I don't want to have to seal the airlock" I thought as I made my way up to the bridge to have a look at the security screens. To my horror I witnessed my mother fighting off some strange sort of arachnid looking beast. She had a wound on her arm and was backing away from her aggressor towards the habitat. She fired several shots at the thing but it did no good.

Her frantic screams came over the radio “Close the airlock! Close it! I'm not going to make it this time!” My hands trembled as reached for my radio “I can't go out there! Or we'll both end up dead!”

“Do it god damn it!” she yelled as the creature came ever nearer. Off in the distance many more smaller things began to crawl and skitter out from the trees and bushes. The feast was about to commence, and the only hope for my survival was to seal the airlock. Whoever designed the airlock to be sealed from the outside was an imbecile...or possibly it was just installed backwards. In any case, I would have to go outside into the ravenous scene to activate the lock.

I dashed down the stairs that led from the bridge and made my way to the staging area that housed our bio-suits. As quickly as I could (for I was now completely out of my wits) I donned the armor and stepped into the airlock. I punched the button to release the door and stepped out into the greenish brown atmospheric haze that surrounded the habitat.

My breathing heaved suddenly and my pulse rocketed as I beheld my mother pinned to the ground by one of the creature's long scalpel like appendages. The smaller ones were closing in to devour her limb by limb but hadn't taken notice of me. I reached to the side of the door and activated the switch and then slid back into the airlock. From within the habitat I heard her muffled death knell and tried not to think of her agony as my heart sunk into despair.

As the cabin re-pressurized, I removed my helmet and spewed vomit onto the floor. I could hear the echo of my mother's screams over the now increasingly loud chattering of the creatures outside. I stood motionless in the airlock, listening. Finally I heard her cries no longer and knew that it was done. The chattering ceased and I looked out through the airlock porthole.

All I saw was a bloody stain on the dirt and a few chunks of half devoured flesh. Where had the creatures gone? I was alone now. The sudden death of my mother, who was my only companion on this forsaken alien rock, hadn't hit me yet...I would have to find a way to go on. At least it wasn't like father's death. I preferred not to recall that one...

I walked to my sleeping quarters and fell into restless anxiety and sorrow. I drifted off into slumber for a few moments but I awakened abruptly to the sound of a soft tapping all over the habitat. Was it raining again? It rarely rained here, but I sat up and looked out the window anyways. I recoiled as my eyes met the blank stare of something alien. Its multitude of eyes stared back at mine and then it departed up the outside wall. I heard its tinkering footsteps on the roof of the habitat above me. The same sounds begun to spread over the entire habitat. The insistent tapping and clattering filled my ears with a sudden panic. It wasn't the rain. They were trying to get in!

Still half asleep, I banged and stumbled my way back up the bridge and saw on the camera feeds that the creatures had now swarmed over every inch of my fortress. I beheld some of them cutting wires and digging into the the various electrical systems that could be accessed through removable panels on the habitat's outer shell. The screen went dark and nothing appeared save for static. The ceiling lights flickered on and off and then ceased all together to light the bridge.

I heard a sudden crash down the hall that lead to the greenhouse. I heard breaking glass and the commotion of shelves emptying their contents as they fell. They're in! What would I do now?! Surely all hope was lost. “Computer!” I yelled. “Yes?” it responded in its usual monotone

“Activate the electrical defense system on the bridge! I don't want any of those things getting in here!” I commanded. “At once sir” said the computer as a grid of lasers and electrical currents filled the doorway that led to the bridge. The creatures skittered up the stairs and attempted to breach my bulwark but they were shocked and jolted back into the darker recesses of the halls by the unyielding field of electricity...

It is day five as I write to you now, whoever it may be. The creatures can't seem to get past the habitat's defenses. I only have enough food with me in the bridge to last another few days. I can get water from the emergency wash sink on the bridge but the underground reservoir wont last forever. I hear them when I try to sleep. In the hall just outside the bridge. I see their eyes. Watching. Waiting for me to give up or let down my guard...but I will out last the fiends! I will outlast!!!

Hey, Colditz, and welcome to YWS! I'm intrigued by your signature. Are you a fan of Hitchhiker's? Hope so, because it's a great influence to have. However, this reminded me a little of Doctor Who's Waters of Mars with the setting. Anyway, I apologise if this review seems harsh. It's mostly style and punctuation I want to cover. I'm not usually big on content, but I'll split this into two so I can cover that towards the end.

Style, Grammar and Punctuation

The first thing I noticed is easily fixed. Sometimes you have odd commas which don't seem to match the flow. If you consider a comma to be a pause in the sentence, you'll find it easy to pick the stray ones up when you read your piece aloud. There doesn't have to be anyone around to hear it but you, and I promise it'll help you see your piece in a new light.

You also seem to waver on speech punctuation. I'll give you some examples from your piece, but when I've done so, I think you should check out this article. There are a few more like that in the Knowledge Base if you have a look around.

“Sure, mom...” I said as I continued about my work. “If I'm not back in twenty minutes, then, well, you know what to do.” she said. “You are going outside the habitat like usual?” I asked.

You need a new line after "work", because another person's talking. Similarly, you need a new line after "she said". That might just be a formatting issue; I know spacing is sometimes tricky if you've pasted from Word.

However, the second sentence should also read:

"If I'm not back in twenty minutes, then, well, you know what to do," she said.

The dialogue tag, "she said", is part of the sentence, so you don't need a full stop, but a comma.

“Why do you waste your time with that stuff?” I said “You know the fleet isn't coming to rescue us!”

Here, there should be a full stop after "said", even though the same person is still speaking. There's still a new sentence, so you need the full stop. Again, that may just be a typo or formatting issues. If so, sorry, just thought I'd point it out.

Her frantic screams came over the radio “Close the airlock! Close it! I'm not going to make it this time!”

This time, you have a complete sentence before you begin the dialogue, so there should be a full stop after "radio".

I won't repeat the same mistakes and corrections again, though there are a few more. As I said, have a look at that article and hopefully it'll help straighten your speech punctuation out.

I know very little about action scenes, but as a reader, this one seems to be lacking somewhat. There's little build-up to the MC's mother's death, and we don't get much emotion in the writing. Vary your sentence structure, and lengthen the beginning so that we, like the MC, begin to wonder what's become of her. Here's the obligatory link to a guide on how to show, not tell. You mention that the MC is anxious and sorrowful, but it doesn't come across in the narrative.

Now, just a nitpick:

I will outlast!!!

You only need one exclamation mark. It's an exclamation mark; it does what it says on the tin, and that doesn't change or intensify no matter how many you include.

Another is your apparent aversion for "saw". Sometimes there's nothing wrong with a simple verb, and the uses of "beheld" and "witnessed" only stick out where "saw" would probably blend in quite nicely. Again, if you read this aloud you'll probably notice when the sentence sounds a little strange.

Content

I told you I'm not much for content, but here I began to wonder about your characters. This is a short story, right? Or are you going to continue it? Either way, I think we need to know a bit more about their relationship, and their problems. You mention that the MC lost his father. That must have been traumatic, and crucially, it also left the MC completely alone with his mother, as the only inhabitants of Orpheus V, I assume, with no hope of rescue. There must be some psychological effects here. We briefly glimpse it when the MC complains that his mother is too focussed on research while he works on the practicalities of survival, but you can expand on these themes. It'll help you to come up with a convincing reaction when the mother is killed if you know more about their relationship in the first place.

On a side note, I find the MC's decision to cut himself off is pretty unexplored. Surely he knows that's it, if he does so? Why doesn't he deliberate a bit more? I know it's an adrenaline-driven decision, but I think there must be some sort understanding of his action. He's pretty much signed his own death warrant, after all.

Lastly, I want to see more of that monster. At the moment, we don't get much description, and it's not particularly scary. I'm not a fan of horror, so I have virtually no recommendations on that topic, but think about how you can really make that description work. Gore isn't always the only factor; insects are a big fear in a lot of people, so use it to your advantage. To be honest, I can only think of Darren Shan's Demonata for some scary creatures, because as I said, I don't read much of that kind of fiction. However, there are some seriously terrifying descriptions in those books. We do get a hint of it, with the alien stare and the noise like rain as they try to break in, but it's not quite enough. Again, if you work towards some kind of understanding of this monster, you can follow up with your MC's emotional reaction. It should help to make the text more engaging.

I hope this review helps you, if you choose to edit this. You have the foundations of a really interesting piece here. PM me if you have any questions about my review.

- Jet.

Thanks for the input! I will take into account all the advice you had as far as punctuation and whatnot. I've written plenty of other stuff where the dialouge is how you present it should be ... however I've seen some authors present dialouge all bunched together like that (haha maybe I was subconsiously emulating them on accident?).

As for your comments on the content, I agree that parts of the story arent very well developed, and I knew this when I had orginally posted it (it was orginally a short writing exercise from a book). I would love to go back and detail it and revise further and I feel your suggestions will be usefull.