Young Writers Society

“Get up man, get up!” I bellowed into Marvin's ears as I stuck his neck with the syringe and injected the stam fluid into his rushing bloodstream. His dull gaze sharpened and he coughed harshly, gasping for air. My servo arm twitched and buzzed to repair his cracked chest armor. He laughed and some blood shot out at my visor.
“Don't worry boss, agh, I got this.” I grasped his arm with my own natural and and lifted him up to his feet. Eagerly, he took up his iron sights and smash jumped through window to get inside. A frag blew a good chunk off the corner of the apartment complex that we were ducking behind, concrete and steel careened in a rotten haze. Rover was atleast 10 yards ahead of us, with Numb no doubt a few yards to his side. I could hear the chuk chuk, their shottys did more than make some noise. Gorge had the real firepower, fucking modified howitzer he had right there.
My headset crackled, “let's do this, move up now!”
“Roger!” resounded through my skull.
I moved with Gorge, running past crooked road blocks and tech wreckage. Shots clanked off my carapace, I grinned with the force, I let off a burst at the window of a two story building and savored the death scream, what can I say, it's my job.
“Hostiles 10 o' clock!” Rover wretched.
“Got 'em!” Gorge bellowed. That's how we advanced, Rover and Numb spotting, round 10 yards ahead of us and 10 from each other. Gorge and I stayed close, his MG and my tesla cannon blew them fuckers to shreds. Rover and Numb did okay too. The dead earth below us cracked with the impact of our heavy boots, thick chunks flew high with the pitter patter pitter patter o the reb fire.
“Ya'll can't hit the broad side a ya sister!” I said, they har harred at that. A wee wooden door creaked on it's hinges, Rover and Numb both shouldered it good and I heard their shottys burst nice right before Gorge and I got in. Even with the filter on my mask the place stunk, like some dozen rebs had shit all over and not bothered to wipe. It was dark as black too,
“Switching on night!”
“Switching on night!” I let off a good burst at some reb coming down the stairs, blind bastard.
“regroup, regroup.” I said, “Dammit boys take care of yourself. I took my kit off my back and cracked it open, stams, blobs and adrenals all nice and tidy. I ripped out a nice patch and squeezed it on Rover real tight, “Ah damn Boss!”
“Quit bitching, let'd finish this.” I stuck Gorge with some more juice, he'd been getting laggy somehow, (don't ask me why) he musta killed a couple a dozen fuckers if I counted right.
Go go I signalled and we moved up crouched, clearing the rooms of sneaky rebs.
“Stairs Rover.” He nodded and ran up there faster than a jack rabbit, blazing that shotty like it was Gorge's Howitzer, Numb followed up real fast and so did Gorge and I if I do say so myself.
Them rebs were dug in real nice, real nice. Gorge threw them incendiarys of his and they went screaming and flailing for their mommas. We were moving real nice when I saw him, that god damned son of a bitch with a bazooka, twice the size of him it was.
“Duck!” I yelled so loud it burned my cords. Rover and Numb were locked down, hell coming down their heads, then they saw him. I admire those boys, shit so deep you'd choke in it raining down their heads and they break cover to haul ass, damn fine fighting, they didn't stop shooting. Gorge kept shooting too, in the same place. That rocket came so fast him and me got no time to react and

Boom
that shit is all over us like a reb on his momma. My HUD is all fucked up and all I can see is the falling steel and concrete, Rover smashing through a window, and Gorge on his back with a real fucked look on his face, the kind that chills your spine and gets your blood all slow, makes you wanting a dozen stam needles right in your thumper. Damn even wanting the chest pump deep down in ya to keep ya fighting.

This was a very good and intresting read. Put a good sci-fi spin on a almost war like story. I like the narrative you get into.
Unfortunatly there is not much character development, so a bit lacking in depth, not exactly sure where your going with this. Do you plan on developing it further or? I would definitly like to read more based off my first impression, keep up the good writing.

I like the way you wrote this. :D It's different from what I see on here usually. Though it was confusing because I didn't understand what was happening and what they were fighting. But you did well with the main characters inner thoughts and that can explain a lot sometimes. But let's review, shall we! :D Spelling mistakes will be in red, the original text in italic, questions or comments I have will be in blue, original text in bold, and things that I liked in general will be green. Some corrections are suggestions because the original text may sound wacky. It's up to you to change them. :]

“Get up man, get up!” I bellowed into Marvin's ears as I stuck his neck with the syringe and injected the stam fluid into his rushing bloodstream. His dull gaze sharpened and he coughed harshly, gasping for air. My servo arm twitched and buzzed to repair his cracked chest armor. He laughed and some blood shot out at my visor.
“Don't worry boss, agh, I got this.” I grasped his arm with my own natural one? and and lifted him up to his feet. Eagerly, he took up his iron sights and smash jumped Is it like he's doing two things at once? If so it should be smashed/jumped through window to get inside. A frag blew a good chunk off the corner of the apartment complex that we were ducking behind, concrete and steel careened in a rotten haze. Rover was atleast Need a space 10 yards ahead of us, with Numb no doubt a few yards to his side. I could hear the chuk chuk, their shottys did more than make some noise of their shottys, which did more then make some noise. Gorge had the real firepower, fucking modified howitzer he had right there.
My headset crackled, “let's Capitalize the "L" do this, move up now!”
“Roger!” resounded through my skull.
I moved with Gorge, running past crooked road blocks and tech wreckage. Shots clanked off my carapace, I grinned with the force, I let off a burst at the window of a two story building and savored the death scream, A period should be here what can I say, it's my job.
“Hostiles 10 o' clock!” Rover wretched.
“Got 'em!” Gorge bellowed. That's how we advanced, Rover and Numb spotting, round 10 yards ahead of us and 10 from each other. Gorge and I stayed close, his MG and my tesla cannon blew them fuckers to shreds. Rover and Numb did okay too. The dead earth below us cracked with the impact of our heavy boots, thick chunks flew high with the pitter patter pitter patter o of the reb fire.
“Ya'll can't hit the broad side a ya sister!”<--I chuckled :P I said, they har harred at that. A wee wooden door creaked on it's hinges, Rover and Numb both shouldered it good and I heard their shottys burst nice right before Gorge and I got in. Even with the filter on my mask the place stunk, like some dozen rebs had shit all over and not bothered to wipe. It was dark as black too,
“Switching on night!”
“Switching on night!” I let off a good burst at some reb coming down the stairs, blind bastard.
“regroup Capitalize the "R", regroup.” I said, “Dammit boys take care of yourself. I think you forgot the quotation mark I took my kit off my back and cracked it open, stams, blobs and adrenals all nice and tidy. I ripped out a nice patch and squeezed it on Rover real tight, “Ah damn Boss!”
“Quit bitching, let'd let's? finish this.” I stuck Gorge with some more juice, he'd been getting laggy somehow, (don't ask me why) he musta killed a couple a dozen fuckers if I counted right.
Go go This should be in italics I signalled and we moved up crouched, clearing the rooms of sneaky rebs.
“Stairs Rover.” He nodded and ran up there faster than a jack rabbit, blazing that shotty like it was Gorge's Howitzer, Numb followed up real fast and so did Gorge and I if I do say so myself.
Them rebs were dug in real nice, real nice. Gorge threw them incendiarys of his and they went screaming and flailing for their mommas. We were moving real nice I think something different should replace this. You used it already. when I saw him, Should end with a period that god damned son of a bitch with a bazooka, twice the size of him it was.
“Duck!” I yelled so loud it burned my cords. Rover and Numb were locked down, hell coming down their heads, then they saw him. I admire those boys, shit so deep you'd choke in it raining down their heads and they break cover to haul ass,<---This confused me. It was hard to read and understand damn fine fighting, they didn't stop shooting. Gorge kept shooting too, in the same place. That rocket came so fast him and me got no time to react and

Boom Should be in italics
that Capitalize the "T" shit is all over us like a reb on his momma. My HUD is all fucked up and all I can see is the falling steel and concrete, Rover smashing through a window, and Gorge on his back with a real fucked look on his face, the kind that chills your spine and gets your blood all slow, makes you wanting a dozen stam needles right in your thumper. Damn even wanting the chest pump deep down in ya to keep ya fighting.

All in all, good job! I'm sure you're continuing and if you want me to review again, message me or post on my page. That is, if I don't do it first own my on! ;D

Hello there,
I never could write a good action scene, and look what you've done here. That's not to say that your story was perfect, however, but it was better I could have done for the same idea. Firstly: all I know about your characters is that they are soldiers, they are fighting some rebels and they are passionate for what they do. That's all well and good, but I could not find myself bonding to any one of these guys, and for me that's what a story is all about. Secondly, I give you props for the realistic element of the story. Some people might criticize your use of vulgar language, but that's how soldiers speak during battle.
I found myself wanting to know more, despite your definite end of the story. What sort of rebels were these? Why were they rebelling? I'd give it 7 out of 10.

~TheManintheHat

I found it to be a very good read, it reminded me more of a practice vinignette than a full story, which is not to say it seemed unfinished but that while the action was good, it had almost no plot and little character development.

You switch from past to present tense in the ending, which I found to be jarring.

You've also used onomatopoeia which I don't recommend. Describing the sound is in my experience a more effective technique.

he'd been getting laggy somehow, (don't ask me why)

Something seems wrong with this part, I think it's the parentheses.

I said, they har harred at that. A wee wooden door creaked on it's hinges, Rover and Numb both shouldered it good and I heard their shottys burst nice right before Gorge and I got in.

I found the dialect in this sentence hard to follow. Overall I liked the dialect it helped reinforce your main character's personality and that he was narrating, but in this passage there is so much it becomes hard to follow

My servo arm twitched and buzzed to repair his cracked chest armor.

I get the armor, and I know what a servo arm is, but why does the character have one? Is it a cybernetic implant? Part of his armor?

Gorge and I stayed close, his MG and my tesla cannon blew them fuckers to shreds.

I recommend not using the acronym MG, It could mean half a dozen guns, and I don't know which one you meant.

It was dark as black too

You should pick a different word for black, because as it stands the sentence is confusing.

Over all very good, with only a few tweaks it could be great.

“Don't worry boss, agh, I got this.” The more I look at it, the more that 'agh' makes me fidget. It inturrupts the dialogue, it's not really necessary, and he could simply 'pause to groan', if you really need something like that here.

"and smash jumped through window to get inside" I apologize, but I can't hear 'smash jump' without thinking of video games and 'ground pounds', etc. It's just so video-game-esque... Not necessarily bad, but I'm not really sure how real you're trying to make this.

"concrete and steel careened in a rotten haze." I think you might need a different verb here... I don't know, I just don't think this sentence works, really. Can concrete and steel form a haze? Can careened be a verb all on its own? I would reword this a bit...

"Rover was atleast 10 yards ahead of us." Generally it's best to write out numbers like this. Ten, not 10. More professional.

Some capitalization/grammar/punctuation issues. Be sure to proofread.

"tesla cannon" *ears perk up* Behemoth? Scott Westerfeld? *-* Lol, sorry, it's just that I'm reading that book right now, and I'm wondering if you've read it, too, or if this is just something off the top of your head (I know who Tesla is, and what a tesla coil is, so I guess it's not inconceivable that more than one author could come up with the concept).

Stam... Ah! I see! Stamina! 8D
That was one of the problems I had with this. There's so much lingo, and slang, whirling around in the middle of a battle, that it might be confusing to the reader at first. Generally it's good to avoid info-dumping, but maybe tone things down just a little bit, to make it easier to understand? *shrugs* Or, maybe you're fine. Just an opinion.

The other thing was, this read like a video game. So much so that I was expecting it to be a video game at the end. But it wasn't a video game. It appears to be real. In which case, all we saw was a bunch of guys shooting at each other and dying(?) in the end. Not much character development, not much plot... We don't even know why the rebs are rebelling in the first place.

It's a fair action scene, though the end confused me just a little bit, but it's just that. An action scene. I don't see much story here. If all I want to see is unexplained shooting and rebellion, I could go watch my brothers playing video games. Give us something to really sink our teeth into, and keep us reading until the very end. :]

Keep writing!