Young Writers Society

Rated 16+ for violence.

"Promise we'll never come back here."

Rei's POV

The heat was getting more brutal, but I ignored it. I traveled too far a distance to allow weather to stop me. Well, stop us. Branden looked as tired as I felt. Even with my advanced strength, and his superhuman stamina, the constant movement- walking, running, fighting- was draining us drastically.

"Rei," Branden called to me. He gestured ahead at two small figures. "Are they human?"

I focused on them. "They look like it," I told him. "But looks can be deceiving."

My lifetime of training prepared me for situations like this. The desert had a few large mounds of sand, large enough for us to kneel behind. Covering two locations, we spied on the people approaching.

As the wind picked up, their voices carried along with it. Both were female, one sounding older than the other. However, the older of the two seemed to answer to the younger, always asking her opinion.

"What do you think?" Branden said, allowing the wind to carry his question.

"Let's wait." Wait before you leap.

The leader stopped, her dark gray eye- the other covered by red bangs- scanned the area. I glanced over at Branden, who was staring intently at her, trying to climb the mound of sand to get a better view.

"Branden," I hissed, leaning toward him. That was a mistake, of course. For the mound I leaned against collapsed on one side. Giving up on that tactic, we revealed our position, walking toward them as cautiously as they did us.

Once we were at a safe distance, the two women conversed before speaking to us.

"Traveled long?" asked the leader,her tone harsh, as was her expression. The pink-haired woman behind her stood gracefully and faithfully.

"You could say that. And yourself?" None of us truly cared about the travels of the other group, but just how strong they were.

And if they were dangerous.

I wasn't in the mood to fight, but if it was to protect my companion and myself, so be it.

"I have." She was implying something by only addressing herself. I glanced at the other once more. She stood still as a statue, her emerald stare blank.

"I hope you aren't heading in that direction," the leader continued, her ebony hair ruffling around her face. "It's hell."

"Isn't everywhere?" I shot back coyly. "If you want to avoid hell, might as well shoot yourself."

"Death won't save me from hell."

Yeah, I liked this girl.

I looked over at Branden, who was staring still at the leader. I realized then that their hair was similar, yet opposite. Coincidence?

I stopped believing in those long ago.

"Who are you?" she asked, taking two steps forward. She was relaxing, meaning she wanted to avoid a fight as much as we did.

The first move.

I like this part- I think you write dialogue pretty well, and it was interesting and well-paced. Just a few nitpicks:

Covering two locations, we spied on the people approaching.

That's a little awkwardly phrased; how about "Branden and I split up and hid behind the two piles, spying on the people approaching", or something?

As the wind picked up, their voices were carried along with it. Both were female, one sounding older than the other. However, the older of the two seemed to answer to the younger, always asking her opinion.

This part is a little strange as well. Since you mention that the main characters are able to hear what they're saying, you should quote them so the readers know as well; otherwise it's seemingly useless information. It's especially odd when you then go on to say that one seemed to answer the other, who was asking her opinion; we don't know what the question was, nor what she wanted the older one's opinion of, so it seems incomplete. I would put some dialogue between the two women in there that Rei and Branden overhear- perhaps it will reveal something about their past or destination!

"What do you think?" Branden said, allowing the wind to carry his question.

"Let's wait." Wait before you leap.

I think you mean 'look before you leap', which would be an acceptable substitute and would make more sense. It would also keep you from using wait too much. I'm also a little confused by the 'allowing the wind to carry his question' part. It's more of a matter of physics: if the strangers are downwind, which you say they are because their voices are carried by the wind to Rei and Branden, and Branden and Rei are across from each other, the wind would actually make it harder to hear his voice. I would choose a different description of how she heard him, or just say that he leaned over and whispered it if they're close by, especially because you just used the phrase 'carried by the wind'. Be careful to vary your word choice.

That was a mistake, of course, for the mound I leaned against immediately? collapsed on one side.

"Traveled long?" asked the leader,her tone harsh, as was her expression. The pink-haired woman behind her stood gracefully and faithfully.

You should have a space between the comma and 'her'. Also, is it really possible for someone to stand gracefully and faithfully? It doesn't really make sense in context. I would choose different words; maybe 'stoically'.

I looked over at Branden, who was staring still at the leader. I realized then that their hair was similar, yet opposite(explain, this doesn't make sense at all). Coincidence?

All in all, I think this is a very interesting text. However, you need to watch your word choice. Also, I think you should work on descriptions. You have a great character voice, use it! They're in the middle of a desert, but what kind of desert? Are there plants? Are there any buildings in the distance? How far away were the strangers, exactly? What do they look like? Are they short, skinny? What are they wearing? You get the idea. Paint a vivid picture for the reader! Elaborate on why the direction they're heading in is like hell! I think you like writing with that short, snappy voice, which is good, but you can take breaks from it to describe their surroundings, and even their actions and talking.
Great job, though! Keep writing

Good Morning, Panda. Or Afternoon, Evening, Night, whenever you happen to read this.
When I first saw the title of this piece, I immediately went over to your portfolio and looked for the first chapter. I read it after this one, sadly, but that leads me to the question: Is the pair in the first chapter the mystery pair in the second chapter? I congratulate you on that: a reader with questions is a reader who returns.
As for the actual writing of this piece, I noticed that you have a very unique style of writing. You seem to prefer short, sweet sentences for important actions. That's not my preference, but you use it well and I encourage you to play your strengths. There is, however, room for improvement. As much as I tried to imagine the setting and the characters, I never got a clear picture. You need to add in some good, solid descriptive writing. Not info-dumping, but a little here, a little there.
All in all, I thought that this was a promising piece, indeed. Please PM me when the next chapter is up.

~TheManintheHat

Hey Panda, here for another review!

Okay, so the story's getting progressively more interesting and intriguing, which is great. However, there are still a couple of points of confusion for me.

One: the physical descriptions of Elise and Korai. You say that one's older than the other; then you proceed to say that the "leader" has red hair. I'm guessing Korai? And then you mention "pink" hair and toss in that one of them has "ebony" hair and that it matches Branden's. I'm far too confused here to get a clear picture of any of the characters right now. Slow it down, give a few more details just so we know exactly who has what color of hair and get a better idea of who's doing all the talking. I know I'm going on and on about hair color, which is usually kind of inconsequential, but right now it's the only real description I have to differentiate the characters.

Two: in places, it seems to be moving a bit fast. Take this part:

"Branden," I hissed, leaning toward him. That was a mistake, of course. For the mound I leaned against collapsed on one side. Giving up on that tactic, we revealed our position, walking toward them as cautiously as they did us.

I don't know, this just doesn't give much impression of what's going on. They certainly fell, right? And that would draw the attention of the two "women"; then there's maybe the awkward, embarrassed shuffling as the men get up and try to appear a little more competent. All-in-all, I guess I'm just saying that it could use more details and views of the action that's happening.

Okay, so that's all I have to say! I'm off to the next chapter.