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Help Wanted



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Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:14 am
Ermixon says...



This is a story i threw togather a while back and was interested in revising.


HELP WANTED



Jonny stood in front of a run down warehouse. It looked as though it had been abandoned for years. He looked down at the newspaper ad in his hand. "This just can't be the place." He said, going over the ad again.
The ad said; Help wanted, will pay $10,000 for history expert. Visit our corporate office for details 1300 Jackson Blvd.
Jonny looked up at the building's side, the faded numbers 1300 were painted boldly on the rusted metallic wall. He looked at the street sign on the corner, it said Jackson Blvd, not Jackson St, not Jackson Rd, but Jackson Blvd. "Maybe i'm the victim of somebody's idea of a practical joke." Johnny said as he turned around and begin to walk away. After he had walked a few steps he stopped himself. Theres no harm in making sure. He thought. As he walked up to the rusty metal warehouse door he wondered just what exactly he hoped to prove. Clearly this place hadn't seen a human occupant in years and yet he felt the need to be certain. He shrugged, "It's probably just thr though of being wrong and missing out on all that money."
Johnny knocked on the door three times, waited for about two seconds and them began to turn around. Why did i even waste my time? He thought. Suddenly he heard a creeking sound behind him, he turned his head to see that the door was lifting open.
"If you're the police, I have papers showing my ownership of this building!" A raspy voice shouted from the dark room behind the door. Slowly Jonny stepped forward, as he walked he nervously bit his finger. "I'm here about the ad," he said at last.
"Ah, of course.. Come into my parlor," the raspy voice replied. A pale arm extended from the darkness of the doorway and bony fingers beckoned Jonny inside. He stepped forward slowly and nervously,every step closer that he got to the building was another step that he had wanted to take back. But his desire for the money was stronger than his fear, he kept walking foward until he entered the building. The door slammed shut behind him and Jonny now stood in total darkness. A single dim light flickered at the far end of the expansive warehouse. Beneath this light there was a metallic chair attached to a cone-like apparatus.
"Sit in my special chair," the rasping voice commanded, "If you don't you won't be paid." Jonny could tell that there was something wrong with this situation. He knew that sitting in that char was probably not a good idea, but he also knew that he had six years ofstudent loans to pay off. Nervously he approached the strange chair, he hesitated, what good is ten thousand dollars if im not allive to use it, He thought. But he couldn't bring himself to back down, he couldn't stop himself from moving. It was as though his body were being controlled by some outside force. Jonny sat in the chair. As soon as his rear end touched the cushion he tried to stand up, but was unable even to move.
Suddenly the lights in the lab all came on, a pale and thin man stood across from Jonny with electrodes attached to his head. He stared with wide and frightening eyes. "I am a man who enjoys learning," the scientist said. "I waisted years of my life earning one PHD after annother until I began to grow old." The man grimaced and gritted his teeth as he pressed a button on a keyboard. "I came to realize that i would die without mastering every field of science," he continued,"But i invented a way to get around that. Your knowledge shall soon become mine!" Jonny struggled to free himself from the invisible restraining force but to no avail. The professor pressed a button and Jonny's head was covered by the cone apparatus which began to spark wildly. Jonny screamed in agony as a sonic hum deafened his ears. The professor undulated as he heard the same sound, it was like music to him. The cone around Jonny's head began to smoke and so did the electrodes attached to the professor's bald cranium. The professor grinned in triumph as he pulled off all of the electrodes. "Yes, i now have a dictionary like knowledge of history!" The Professor shouted as he unstrapped Jonny from the machine. "You have done humanity a grait service today," he said helping Jonny up. Jonny blinked his eyes and looked at the professor."Who am i?" He asked as the professor handed him a large wad of cash.
Jonny wondered out of the warehouse in a complete daze. He looked at the money in his hand, it was meaningless paper. As he tossed it into the gutter he wondered why someone would give it to him.
  





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Wed Feb 09, 2011 1:16 am
OptimismUnderRain says...



Wow, I really liked this piece. It had really good structure. There were a couple silly mistakes you made though: spelling, grammar, capitalization... no biggies though. also

Why did i even waste my time? He thought

should be "Why did I even waste my time?" He thought.

I really enjoyed reading this though. It had an interesting twist on both ends of the story.
  





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Wed Feb 09, 2011 2:02 am
jcipriano1 says...



It is quite a short, unique story that really shows peoples greed with money. It is a little anti climatic, in the sense tha he really knows nothing about the scientist and just leaves with cash. It is a nice "What if" story. The story, over all, has very nice writing, besides minor spelling and grammar mistakes throughout. Keep up the good work!
"Imagination is more important than knowledge" -Albert Einstien
  





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Tue Feb 15, 2011 4:23 pm
92nida says...



Wow.. You knew what you were writing! But above all it's nice how you brought about how
sometimes life can still be happening though it means not more than a penny!
Though i wouldn't say it is the most creative of works but it sure is the kind that's just short,
it states a meaning.. And portrays one's talent! So way to go!
  





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Wed Feb 23, 2011 4:38 pm
TheManintheHat says...



Good Morning, Ermixon, or Afternoon, or Evening,
It has been a while since I have reviewed anything, so I thank you for writing something that caught my attention and warranted a review. Not to say that the work is in shambles!
There were some grammar mistakes that I picked up on:
The ad said; Help wanted, will pay $10,000 for history expert
The ";" should be a ":". You also didn't capitalize all of your "i"s, but I won't berate you too badly about that. Everyone does it. Still, that needs attention.
"It's probably just the thought of being wrong and missing out on all that money."

He knew that sitting in that chairwas probably not a good idea, but he also knew that he had six years of student loans to pay off.

I also noticed an odd sort of contradiction.
Jonny looked up at the building's side, the faded numbers 1300 were painted boldly on the rusted metallic wall.
This may have been intentional, but I was nonetheless confused. There were a few more isolated incidents in grammar, but that's not what a story is all about.
Speaking of the story, my first word should be ones of congratulations. I did not expect the ending that you designed, and I was delightfully surprised. Normally I would ask you to delve deeper into the histories of your characters, but seeing how short this piece is (and that is one of its fine qualities), that does not seem necessary. All in all, I enjoyed reading this.
Keep it coming!

~TheManintheHat
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2011 3:47 pm
ilovemyboys says...



This was very absorbing and compelling to read.
the faded numbers 1300 were painted boldly

This is the only flaw that really bugged me. If the letters were painted boldly, how can they be faded as well. Just makes no sense!
I would like to see what happened post-crazy-science-psychopath event :)
This piece was quite good and I would love to read more
Keep writing!
Georgie
xox
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
-Skin, Sixx:A.M
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:01 pm
purplegirl14 says...



This is really good. Mysterious and creepy too! Here are some revisions you could make, since that's what you wanted:

"This just can't be the place." He said, going over the ad again.

You might want to change this to: "This just can't be the place, " he said, going over the ad again. It just looks better this way.

Jonny looked up at the building's side, the faded numbers 1300 were painted boldly on the rusted metallic wall. He looked at the street sign on the corner, it said Jackson Blvd, not Jackson St, not Jackson Rd, but Jackson Blvd. "Maybe i'm the victim of somebody's idea of a practical joke." Johnny said as he turned around and begin to walk away.

Saying the numbers are faded and bold really doesn't make much sense to me. You may want to change the sentence talking about the street signs; it's just a little repetative. And always capitolize 'I's.

Why did i even waste my time

Same things with the 'I' here.

had six years ofstudent loans to pay off. Nervously he approached the strange chair, he hesitated, what good is ten thousand dollars if im not allive to use it

You need a space between 'of' and 'student'. Alive has one 'l' in it.

"I waisted years of my life earning one PHD

This should be 'wasted', not 'waisted'.

I'm not trying to be picky, only to help. Good job. This is really interesting, and I like it a lot!
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:14 pm
Titan4ever says...



Hey! I thought the story was great, and kind of ended just when things got to the climax. I noticed a couple of typos though.
He knew that sitting in that char
char should be chair.
what good is ten thousand dollars if im not allive
alive should only have one l.
The Professor shouted as he unstrapped Jonny from the machine. "You have done humanity a grait service today"
grait should be spelled great. Other than that, I thought your writing was great.

-Titan
-Titan4ever
"A day without sunshine is like, well, night."
  








Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
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