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Young Writers Society


Ashes to Ashes [Victory Rising by TriORE]



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Fri Mar 11, 2011 5:33 am
Baywolf says...



Spoiler! :
Well, here's the story carbonCore commissioned from the song Victory Rising by TriORE.


Ashes to Ashes

The television went out. The man pushed a button, but the screen still said “No Signal.” Outside, the man could see the dish was intact. The blue light on the box that put channels on the flat screen was glowing.

Must be the storm, he said. That’s all. The clouds must be disrupting the satellites.

His neighbor concluded the same thing, as did the lady down the street. The old couple in the next town over decided that the wind must have knocked over a tower and that was why they couldn’t see their local news at 5:30 p.m., with the smiling anchors who reminded them of their own grown children living three states over.

Reason comforted them, those civilized minds.

#


The tribal leader in the jungles of South America didn’t notice anything amiss. He slept in ignorance, or perhaps bliss.

#


Morning came. Frantic phone calls to service providers left bitter tastes in the mouths of customers when a busy tone played without ending. “No Signal”, the screen read, with the black background unchanging despite the wishful thinking and fervent glances to see if in the second they had looked away the problem had fixed itself.

The power went out that evening.

The screen was black and dead. They cursed the disappearance of “No Signal."

Streetlights failed to penetrate the darkness of society. Earth was quiet and lonely in spite of the billions worrying and angry over the loss of their programs.

The man muttered a profanity and grabbed his cell phone only to find it said, “No Signal.”

His eyes narrowed and then widened. The whites were the only light in his unlit home. At that moment, he realized how alone he was in the world. So completely alone.

Without the noise and pulsing light of the televisions and the comfort of his technology, he was…

Stranded, he said. The word fell to the tiled floor and slithered into the darkness, around the corner of his perfectly straight wall, and out of his front door into the night.

It slid into the hearts of his neighbors, into the couple in the next town over, into the minds of the 5:30 p.m. anchors who were lost without a show, but the tribal leader remained untouched and still slept.

Dawn came. The pink light saw wide-eyed people roaming the streets, chasing down friends in their slippers, and hurried discussions of What do we do? Who do we call? What about the children?

The man sat and watched his neighbors in their pajamas and he didn’t move. He felt as if he had come out of a big sleep and was looking at the world for the first time in his life.

He saw the people. He saw the worry and the fear. He saw all of it and then he smiled. The smile turned into a chuckle. The chuckle transformed into a laugh. The laugh descended into hysteria.

#


The tribal leader woke to the same sunrise and started to organize his people for the day. Some were to collect food. Some were to tend the garden. Some were to hunt. He was to sit and watch until the day was done and he could sleep again.

#


People are fighting over canned beets. Neighbors raid friends’ homes for batteries.
Gasoline is the problem. There’s no more oil or coal! The government has special facilities with stores of fuel, but they won’t share it...
We need to do something. We’ve been without power and running water for two weeks! What will we do?

These things the man heard whispered in the street when strangers arrived to see if the people of his town knew anything that they didn’t already know, but he heard more clearly the growing desperation in their voices.

The whispers turned to shouts and angry judgments. Militias formed out of fathers and sons to keep their town safe. Everyone who had a gun either joined or hid themselves away in fear or mistrust.

The man witnessed death, not for the first time, when his neighbor killed a stray dog and dragged it into his fenced backyard with sidelong glances at the silent houses on either side of him. Smoke was visible an hour later and the scent of barbecue filtered along the cul-de-sac.

The man watched and then he shut his curtains again to ward away the fear he had witnessed in his neighbor’s eyes. But he couldn’t stop his mouth from watering.

One night, gunshots woke the man from his dreams of warm food and reality TV. He shuddered into wakefulness and gripped his covers tighter. The sound was too close for comfort.

He lay awake long after the shots were heard again, but further away as the looters traveled from dark house to dark house stealing what they could and taking what the owners would die to protect.

He saw the shadows of flames flickering along his ceiling and he imagined that the fires were consuming the entire world. The smoke would obscure the world from the universe, and his dreams were tinged with fire and loss.

The next morning dawned. The man looked out of his top-most window; saw the street as black and uninviting as death. They had burned the mayor’s house down the street. The once majestic antebellum mansion was scarred and scored with the hands of fire and men.

He faced himself in a mirror; the bare light of the rising sun lit half of his face in a rosy glow. He saw a man who could pass as anyone. The military haircut leftover from his time in the service was peppered with gray that he hadn’t noticed before. The man knew he was nothing special.

Without a second thought, he walked downstairs, grabbed his keys, rummaged in his hall closet until he lifted a long item out of the trap-door in the back of the closet. It was encased in soft leather, but he did nothing more than hold it for a moment to his face and smell of the brown suede before leaning it against the wall and gathering the other items he wanted.

Knife, matches, candles, tinder box, medical kit, and the other knick-knacks of a hunter who was used to camping beyond the edges of civilization went into a pack of tough waterproof canvas.
He locked his front door out of habit, checking to make sure the deadbolt that sometimes stuck was sent home properly.

The man drove down the empty streets. Cars were parked in crazy directions, fuel tanks uncapped, engines exposed and butchered, windows smashed. He saw a homeless man sitting on the side of the road staring at nothing and then with a second glance recognized him as the mayor, but he kept driving.

The town that he had grown up in since he was twelve was littered with trash and fired buildings smoked in the early morning light. He saw children with dirty faces running from what had been a grocery store carrying bags of cat food clutched to their chests.

He kept driving. His tires thumped over glass and cans and empty containers. A fine layer of ash covered his windshield and he had to turn on the wipers, the fluid making a paste that left streaks of black and grey on the glass.

As he turned the corner to leave town and head into the outskirts, he saw a deer paused on the side of the road. The doe’s eyes looked at the car, blinked innocently, and then the creature vanished with a flick of its white tail into the wild.

The man felt something stirring inside him upon seeing the creature. He couldn’t quite tell what it was, but it was akin to a type of pain.

#


The tribal chief chewed his hallucinogenic drugs and dozed into a dream state as he waited for his gods to show him the way to ensure prosperity. Sometimes the gods told him to go to war with his neighbors. Sometimes the gods told him to take another wife. Sometimes the gods were silent.

He thought he heard the beginnings of a song…but it faded. It was just another day of the same. No news from the gods. No important message to the chosen people. No change.

#


The world was silent outside of the town, but it wasn’t the silence that had filled the dark houses and minds of the owners.

The silence of the wild was peaceful and filling. It didn’t inspire fear in the man. Despite the strangeness of not having a solid roof over his head and four walls to contain his thoughts, the man slept deeply for the first time in weeks.

The only signals he had to worry about were those of the birds startled in the brush by a fox or a raccoon. Or the warning snorts of a russet deer as it scented danger in the undergrowth.

The spectral howls of the coyotes thrilled him and filled the man with a sense of belonging although he knew he was alone.

It is much easier to be alone in the wild, he thought, than to be alone in the world.

He did not care any longer about the state of humanity. He didn’t have a family. He didn’t have children. He was a bachelor.

For him, it was easier than a snake shedding too-tight skin. The man shucked off his old identity.

He returned to the Wild.
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Wed Mar 16, 2011 3:36 am
Azila says...



Baywolf! I meant to review this when I first saw it (a few days ago) but I haven't gotten a chance to review it until now.

I'm not going to do any nit-picky things on this because you really don't need it. Your word-choices are spot-on and your sentences flow quite well. There aren't really any awkward phrases or anything like that--there are a few places that were slightly confusing or where I had to read over a sentence a few times, but they were pretty few and far between. Overall, good job on the technical aspects. This was a smooth read.

I like this piece a lot from a non-technical standpoint as well. Your imagery is vivid and real-feeling, and you have portrayed the chaotic emotions really strikingly. The song has a definite, nightmarish feeling of hopelessness to it and I think you captured that quite well. Chillingly well. There are certain moments in particular (like where the laugh turns to hysteria), which were written in such a way that they stick in my mind and haunt me long after I've finished reading. I also love the tone of this--the "Reason comforted them, those civilized minds." line really gives me shivers, and the juxtaposition of the tribal leader is really effective, I think, in speaking to how the people who cause problems are rarely the same as the ones who suffer from them, as well as that those people who cause problems sometimes don't even realize that they are causing them. How terrifying power is, when in the wrong hands!

That said, there are a few things I think could be improved about this piece.

The first, and most major, is that it all feels rather monotonous. If I remember correctly (I haven't listened to it in a few days) Victory Rising is rather like that too, isn't it? Sort of constantly drudging. I apologize if I'm wrong, but that's what I remember. Anyhow, regardless of how the song is, I think it's very hard to pull of a short story that feels monotonous. But let me first explain what I mean by monotone.

When reading this, it felt like it was a constant flow of images, with no extra emphasis put on any one of them. Yes, some of them are really well-written--in fact, all of them are really well-written... but after a few paragraphs it starts to be a little overwhelming. I feel like I'm watching a slideshow of photos that's a little too fast for me to see each photo, so I'm constantly trying to catch up and even if they are exceptional photographs I won't be able to tell because I up just seeing a blur. In other words, because there are so many images and I see each one for so little time, each one loses its power. In the case of your story, I feel like this piece is full of description and imagery, but the separate images you describe don't really build on each other into something bigger, and you just spend a sentence or two on each one which makes it feel like none is really more important than the other.

I think a big part of this feeling is, actually, your paragraphs. I don't know about other people, but the way a piece looks can make a huge difference in how I read it, so formatting is important. Since all of your paragraphs of are pretty equally-sized, it is hard for me to tell where you want the emphasis to be. Maybe try clumping things that you want to be similar into bigger paragraphs, and then leaving things that you want to stand out on their own?

But I also think the problem is in how you're actually writing it. This is a rather abstract piece, right? As in, it's not so much about what the story is as it is about how you tell that story. I'm all for pieces like that. But (in my opinion, anyhow) you still have to speak to the reader emotionally. I don't mean you just have to make the reader emotionally engaged in your writing, I mean you have to somehow change their emotions. I was interested in this piece, and I felt certain emotions (despair? Fear?) because of it, but I felt those emotions the whole way through. I didn't really feel suspense or surprise or anything like that because I didn't have any sudden changes in emotion.

If you want the piece to feel very detached and impersonal, that's worth a go, but I'd go for more general descriptions as well, rather than only having descriptions of details, which is pretty much what you have. But personally, I'd rather feel more connected with "the man" so that I could have a better understanding of what he is going through.

My other qualm with this piece (and it's much more minor) was the tribal leader. I do like the role that he fills in the writing (of the leader who is completely out of touch), but I'm just not sure about the way you've done it. The whole "South American tribal leader with his hallucinogens and slaves" thing just felt a little bit too... stereotypical. It felt a little too caricatured for this kind of piece, since the rest of the writing is more subtle.

Well, there you go. I hope some of that helps! I hope some of it makes sense, anyway. >.< The fact is, you've stumped me: I can't really put my finger on what is making me feel how I do about this piece, let alone why it is making me feel that way. I'll let you know if I think of any better ways of saying it, and please feel free to PM me and I'll discuss it further with you.

I would wish you good luck in the contest, but I'm not sure I should say that since I'm entering it as well...

a
  





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Thu Mar 17, 2011 5:30 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Bailey, tis me!

I'm trying to figure out what I hate most: Reviewing after Azila, because I never have anything clever to add or reviewing before Azila and I look like I didn't have anything clever to say. lol

I didn't see the whole Tribal leader like Azila did. I saw it as how technology has ruined us. We don't know how to go one without it, and become completely dependant of it.

The tribal leader goes on with his own life, and the life of his men. They worry about hunting and rain and gardens and harvest, things us new age people don't worry about it. We complain about the weather and such but never worry whether they'll be food on the table.

I thought it was great that the man ended up going to the wild, both because it's a great beginning for the Wild Ones, and because a return to our roots is not a bad thing.

This was brilliantly written, as usual.
Keep using that keyboard!

Tanya
  





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Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:34 pm
carbonCore says...



Well, the first thing I'll say is that the prose flows extremely well - like a poem, almost. Like Azila in her review, I noticed that the emotions also flow here, never really accumulating into anything that is like a climax. For a piece like this, I believe it's very fitting and only benefits the end goal of what you were trying to accomplish. This work is not about one man's story, it's about the entire world folding in on itself. Hence, no individual climax is needed.

The criticism I have for this is mostly personal belief. Despite having a sun-gorging wolf for my avatar for a short time, despite listening to soul-crushingly depressing music, despite being called a closeted goth, I'm an optimist at heart. I think that the whole idea of the world's oil reserves running out and dooming us all is implausible.

The type of apocalypse you describe is triggered by the shortage of oil. During the Industrial Revolution, people said the exact same thing about coal, and that the shortage of coal will slash the throat of progress, making us all revert back to howling monkeys in no time. But that's the thing about people - they tend to say a lot of things. At the rate we're using coal now, it'll run out in about three thousand years, thanks to being replaced with oil. Oil is simply the next "big thing" in this cycle. After it runs out, we'll have something else, like fusion, and oil too will last us another ten thousand years - by which time we will find a suitable replacement for its residual functions. Hey -- if I turn out to be mistaken in the future, by all means, feel free to steal my freshly-speared deer from me and bludgeon me over the head with a club improvised out of a car bumper for good measure.

Relevance to source material: it's there, but the tone is not quite what I expected it to be. The song describes a world that is absolutely hopeless - we will all die, and very likely in a manner as painful as possible. Your story ends on a positive note. There are people living happily (the tribals), and there will be more people who adapt to this lifestyle and find it superior to their former lives (the "main character", if such a term is applicable in this story at all). The song, on the other hand, describes a Fallout-style apocalypse: if there's anyone left after the end of the world, they will likely become miserable starved rapists and cannibals, not enlightened, closer-to-the-earth survivalists.

The results of the contest shall be announced tomorrow.

Lyrics of the original song:
Spoiler! :
Victory is rising, and the world has turned insane
Sleeping dogs are waking and the little children pray
Dying suns are setting in a sky of raging war
We think about the good times while we perish with before

I bring you lies; I bring with me
A dream that only we can see
I bring you eyes; I bring you teeth
I have a dream reserved for me

Victory is rising with the advent of the tide
Broken men are crying while they stagger in the night
Storm clouds are ascending where the fallen stars collide
Walking through the fires to the sound of life that dies


Your judge,
cC
_
  





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Fri Jun 10, 2011 9:01 am
Bromthebard says...



Very good, I love it. To quote azilla
I'm not going to do any nit-picky things on this because you really don't need it. Your word-choices are spot-on and your sentences flow quite well. There aren't really any awkward phrases or anything like that--there are a few places that were slightly confusing or where I had to read over a sentence a few times, but they were pretty few and far between. Overall, good job on the technical aspects. This was a smooth read.
I love your style of writing, it is very casual, but not to the point of being crappy, the story is very good. I love how you go back and forth between different places, it reminds me of Tom Clancy (who I need to read again). It is impossible to nit pick, you wrote this perfect. I hope to see more of your writings soon. Good luck in the future. May you be shielded from Writer's Block (God, I hate Writer's Block)
I am.... a New Age Inkling! We must continue the fight for young authors, for it is the brave mans part to write with glory or with glory be rejected! (taken from a fellow New Age Inkling, Highlander)

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book. ~Author Unknown
  








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