Young Writers Society

*Note, this is a revised version of a story I posted a couple of days ago under the same name. Tried to take the suggestions and make a more vivid story.




The air in Easton always held a grey ambience of dull haze. A constant rusty scent lingered through the city’s streets and homes. Black clouds of smoke replaced the natural sky. Because of the ratification of necessary “War-Amendments”, America began demanding severe conformity from its citizens. Sons or fathers were drafted and taken from families, land was destroyed, civilization -- consumed. Society itself was turning gray.

These, of course, were the effects of the fifth world war and the continuous seven years of fighting. The year was 2098, fifteen years after the fourth world war and twenty-two after the third. While most wars in history have been about the struggle of power between nations, World War Five is solely dedicated to the discovery of a mineral in Russia, Chroxium, which acts identical to the depleting quantity of oil.

Although no fighting takes place on American soil, the war has devoured one-third of the male population. The chances of America surviving are twenty-eight to thirty-five percent. These statistics created and broadcasted by Mathew Novak, the most popular news personality of the beginning of the war. Novak was the first to uncover Russia’s discovery and consequently lead America into the war, becoming a modern Uncle Sam. He referred to the fifth world war as “Moby Dick”, associating it with America’s drive to attain its desires.

“We need Moby Dick. It needs us to help our allies and defeat our enemies. After all, we are the previous superiority,” a shoddy television speaks with Mathew Novak on the screen. Novak had recently moved, along with his news station, to Britain. “We, America, are aware of Moby Dick’s negative effects on us and yet we continue. This is because we know we can get so much from it.” He doesn’t speak of his move, he doesn’t alert the public of Russia’s manufacturing of new nuclear weapons, nor does he tell about the money he receives from the government by withholding information.

A shrill voice, no smarter than a junior-high student, speaks in a small cottage of a house. “If we still had elections, I believe I’d want Mathew Novak to run. I know I’d vote for him. Can’t you see him as a leader? Sitting on the television like that, telling us everything. That’s what I like about Mr. Novak, he’s honest. He loves his country and wants to fight for it. Don’t you think?”

“Um,” says Harrison McKoy, an elderly man, the husband of the dunce.

“Well, I can see him being perfect. Everybody already loves him. I bet he’d do real well.”

Unfortunately for the McKoy’s, a weapon testing facility was recently build in the desert next to their town. The fumes and clouds of hazardous gas swarmed into their homes and fumigated optimism from all that understood. Streams of pollution crippled the town’s functions. The draft, having summoned twenty percent of the town’s population into war, made it nearly impossible for families to escape from the conditions.

“The minimum age for drafting is once again being reduced. Now fifteen-year-old males can bask in the joy of protecting their families. Mothers, be proud of your husbands and sons. They’re fighting for you!” buzzes the television.

A barrage of explosion noises ring from the distant desert. Harrison feels the rippling sensation as his shack, plaster on top of plaster, shakes to the force.

“Gee, that one was a doozy. Don’t you agree?” says the wife.

“Yep,” says Harrison. The aftershock trembles the house a second time, windows rattle, walls sway.

“I sure do wish they didn’t come into that desert and start up all this weapon testing. I bet Mr. Novak wouldn’t allow it; he’d make them go somewhere more excluded. Wouldn’t that be nice?” Mrs. McKoy says.

“Yes, I guess it would.” Harrison says, feigning a hopeful smile to his wife.

“I always do wonder what they’re doing over there,” Mrs. McKoy adds, her eyes focusing on the window overlooking the outstretched desert. “Must not be too safe, all those booming sounds, must be making plenty of explosions and dangers.”

“They are testing weapons that are made for war. I don’t think they’re too concerned about safety.”

“Yes well. . . I don’t know. I worry for the soldiers. What if a test goes wrong?”

Harrison shrugs and fixes his foggy glasses.

“This just in, the maximum age for drafting is also being raised to forty. We are giving more men the opportunity to fight for our rights.” The television illuminates the room in a blue glow.

The month was July and the clock had just clicked at two o’clock, yet it didn’t feel like July. Nobody wanted to believe that this was their summer. The thick black clouds blocked out the sun, making the afternoons resemble night. Wives, young children, and men aged enough to not be included in the draft were the ones who really suffered from the war’s effects.

“Moby Dick requires sacrifice, but sacrifice gives great rewards.” Mathew Novak says in a commanding manner, his voice only slightly distorted from the static.

“They say,” Mrs. McKoy sneezes quickly then continues, “They say our governor got replaced again. Last one, what’s his name, spoke out against the war.”

“That so?”

“That’s just what they say though.”

“Well,” Mr. McKoy says “I believe I’m going to check if we’ve grown anything lately.”

“Okay Hun’, do tell me how it is.”

Harrison nods and rises from his seat. He drifts through his house and into what remains of his yard behind the shack. His once blooming garden has turned rustic. His tomatoes and radishes, his beloved carrots and spinach, the onions and the peppers had withered into dried, hollow mutations.

Harrison shuffles to his dying creations and slowly, somewhat painfully, bends over to hold onto a tomato that still displays some pink. The tomato collapses into itself when touched, revealing a dry jack-o-lantern. Always smiling, always lit.

A series of bursts shoot from the desert, not as loud as before; Harrison winces. His eyes browse over the peeled paint that surrounds his low home and the houses next to his. Harrison struggles with tears as the world scans through his mind. The elderly man remains in this state for several minutes before he is able to return to his wife.



At nine o’clock, after the colorless sun sulked down and a dim, hidden moon had risen, Mr. and Mrs. McKoy were laying in the bedroom of their two room home. Harrison was mildly enjoying one of the few government approved novels that had been published and his wife was lightly watching the television. On screen Mathew Novak began preparing to end today’s show.

Mrs. McKoy turns to speak to her husband until she notices his swollen, wet face.

“Oh dear, are you alright? You look like you’ve been sobbing.”

Harrison smiles at his wife, wiping both his cheeks with the back of his hands. “Yes love, I’m fine.” He moves to hold her, a kiss on her forehead, fingers wrapped around her arms. Harrison feels happiness in this moment of silence.

The television buzzes, “So, society, let me conclude with this: Who deserves your pity more, a king given all the marlin he wishes for, or the fisherman who learns to catch the whale?”

The air in Easton always held a grey ambience of dull haze. A constant rusty scent lingered through the city’s streets and homes. Black clouds of smoke replaced the natural sky. Because of the ratification of necessary “War-Amendments”, America began demanding severe conformity from its citizens. Sons or fathers were drafted and taken from families, land was destroyed, civilization -- consumed. Society itself was turning gray.

These, of course, were the effects of the fifth world war and the continuous seven years of fighting. The year was 2098, fifteen years after the fourth world war and twenty-two after the third. While most wars in history have been about the struggle of power between nations, World War Five is solely dedicated to the discovery of a mineral in Russia, Chroxium, which acts identical to the depleting quantity of oil.

Although no fighting takes place on American soil, the war has devoured one-third of the male population. The chances of America surviving are twenty-eight to thirty-five percent. These statistics created and broadcasted by Mathew Novak, the most popular news personality of the beginning of the war. Novak was the first to uncover Russia’s discovery and consequently lead America into the war, becoming a modern Uncle Sam. He referred to the fifth world war as “Moby Dick”, associating it with America’s drive to attain its desires.

“We need Moby Dick. It needs us to help our allies and defeat our enemies. After all, we are the previous superiority,” a shoddy television speaks with Mathew Novak on the screen. Novak had recently moved, along with his news station, to Britain. “We, America, are aware of Moby Dick’s negative effects on us and yet we continue. This is because we know we can get so much from it.” He doesn’t speak of his move, he doesn’t alert the public of Russia’s manufacturing of new nuclear weapons, nor does he tell about the money he receives from the government by withholding information.

The sum of these paragraphs really dragged the story down. In context, none of what is happening makes any sense. Why in God's name would a politician call a war "Moby Dick" instead of something like, I don't know... "The fifth world war?" What's all this about a new mineral that acts identical to oil? Isn't oil based on minerals to begin with?

So immediately, the story looks implausible.

If you want to have the aforementioned concepts, it is important to introduce them gradually and not all at once. Otherwise, the reader will discard it. Science Fiction readers in particular are interested in the science behind it. They want to see the cause and effect. If you tell them "this is the way things are," they'll want to know why.

All in all, the piece seems to be more interested in preaching the evils of war, pollution, tyranny, and the draft than actually telling a story. Telling a story would involve describing people that are trying to navigate these obstacles or are working to change them. None of that seems to be happening here.

Hi Dcmc! So, I really liked this, but it took me a while to get into it. You have a big info dump at the beginning of this and that isn't good. In this world people can turn away from something after reading for a few minutes so you need to have your beginning draw us in and 'force' us to keep reading. Because of the info dump your beginning felt like one long history lesson in school. All those details aren't needed. Because this is a short story and not a novel you don't need to explain why America is in a war. You could crop out those first three paragraphs and this short story would still be just as good if not better.

If you feel like you have to tell us all about this war then make sure to have a few paragraphs to draw us into the story first. You also might want to give us the information in little bits and pieces throughout the story, and try to tell it in a less dry way. That way instead of making the reader not want to read further it will actually make them want to read further because they want to know why the world is like this. Do you see what I mean?

Another thing I am not sure about is your ending. I am not really sure what you mean by the last thing the TV man says. Did you have a deeper meaning when you wrote it? I feel dissatisfied. I was waiting for something really big to happen. I actually thought they might end up dieing because of the people testing weapons. I guess what I am trying to say is the ending lacked the oomph or punch that I expected. It was even slightly boring. The part where they held hands was really sweet, but the sweetness was wrecked by the TV and then I didn't really feel anything. I wasn't left with any emotion. I didn't feel anger or sadness. I think if you edited a bit you could get a ton more emotion out of the whole piece.

I hope you get what I mean. If you have any questions P.M. me. I would also love to see your next draft. I really think this could go somewhere cool! I really do like this idea and I do like the simplicity of it. I am just not one of those people who gushes.

I hope I helped,

A. S.

Throughout the story, you are changing verb tenses. It changes from past to present multiple times.

The air in Easton always held a grey ambience of dull haze. A constant rusty scent lingered through the city’s streets and homes. ... Sons or fathers were drafted and taken from families, land was destroyed, civilization -- consumed. Society itself was turning gray.

The first paragraph is in present tense.

These, of course, were the effects of the fifth world war and the continuous seven years of fighting. The year was 2098, fifteen years after the fourth world war and twenty-two after the third.
...
“Well,” Mr. McKoy says “I believe I’m going to check if we’ve grown anything lately.”

“Okay Hun’, do tell me how it is.”

For the majority of the story, however, it is in present tense.

Harrison nods and rises from his seat. He drifts through his house and into what remains of his yard behind the shack. His once blooming garden has turned rustic.
...
The tomato collapses into itself when touched, revealing a dry jack-o-lantern. Always smiling, always lit.

During this part you bounce from present to past to present tense, which you end with.

You may want to go through and make sure the story is all in one tense. In addition, you may want to go to: http://www.english-grammar-revolution.c ... enses.html

These, of course, were the effects of the fifth world war and the continuous seven years of fighting. The year was 2098, fifteen years after the fourth world war and twenty-two after the third.
...
Novak was the first to uncover Russia’s discovery and consequently lead America into the war, becoming a modern Uncle Sam. He referred to the fifth world war as “Moby Dick”, associating it with America’s drive to attain its desires.

For this portion of the story, you tell the reader everything. Instead, you should show what is occurring, or spread the information throughout the story instead of in one spot.

He doesn’t speak of his move, he doesn’t alert the public of Russia’s manufacturing of new nuclear weapons, nor does he tell about the money he receives from the government by withholding information.

This is a run-on sentence. You may want to make it into two or three smaller sentences.

Unfortunately for the McKoy’s, a weapon testing facility was recently build in the desert next to their town. ... The draft, having summoned twenty percent of the town’s population into war, made it nearly impossible for families to escape from the conditions.

This is another infodump. Try to spread out the information.

“Must not be too safe, all those booming sounds, must be making plenty of explosions and dangers.”

This is another run-on sentence.

“Moby Dick requires sacrifice, but sacrifice gives great rewards.” Mathew Novak says

The period after rewards should be a comma.

The story is very interesting and the characters were developed well. They had distinct personalities that improved the story greatly. For such a short story, you were able to show how used to war the couple was and their attitudes toward different aspects of the war.