Young Writers Society

“Just hand me that towel, will you?”

“What, a Selkin afraid of water?” Merryn splashed her cousin across his sleek back.

Cei held up both hands. Clambering from the lukewarm pool, he scooped up a lilac towel. Drying himself vigorously, he hummed a tune under his breath.

Merryn swam a lap and then floated lazily. Her eyes drifted shut. This wasn't the sea, but it would do. She let her thoughts have free rein. They took her beyond the atmosphere, into tranquil space. A sigh welled up from somewhere in her.

"Hey Merr, these gentlemen would like to use the pool." Her cousin's voice roused her- had she really fallen asleep?

"I'm not taking up much room." She swam to the side of the pool, peering up at the newcomers. They all looked fit and handsome, except for one who hung his head. He had a towel draped over his skinny shoulders, the ends trailing down his back.

For whatever reason, her heart went out to him. She lifted herself clear of the water, getting a startled reaction from the five teens. Fixing her eyes directly on the oddball, she nodded.

"I think she wants to tell you something, Luca." One of the boys smirked and made a rude noise.

Merryn held back a snort of disgust. "Yes, I do have something to say. If those young men aren't your friends, do don't have to follow them all the time."

Luca seemed astonished. He pointed to himself, then gestured at his companions.
His finger ended up halfway between himself and Merryn.

Perhaps he's one of those people who only talk through signs. She bobbed her head, then beckoned him towards the folding chairs against one wall. The four thought this was hilarious; they aped her movements and nudged each other.

With what might be a smile, Luca plonked himself down. His eyes, an unusual shade of green, twinkled.

Cei faced the four, unsmiling. "The pool's free, gentlemen."

You've got a good start to a chapter with a lot of potential. Let's see if we can find a few ways to grow this.

1. Description
Personally I don't think there is enough here. If we consider scenery, all I know is that there is a pool, a wall, and some deck chairs! The reader needs more than that to be able to imagine the world. How deep is the pool? What colour is the water? How does it feel against Merryn's skin? Are there any distinctive textures or sights or sounds or smells?

Also, be careful of adverbs -- splashing playfully, drying vigorously, and twinkling merrily are the only three examples I could find, at a glance. But, I don't think any of the adverbs are necessary here. From the lovely dialogue, it's clear that Merryn is being playful and cheeky, and I think Luca's twinkle is only worth mentioning if eyes could somehow twinkle unhappily. What I'm trying to say is that the verbs stand up well enough on their own -- they don't need crutches.

2. Characterisation
I'm afraid Cei doesn't stand out at all, so you need to consider whether to give him more of a role and a personality or whether to include him at all. He's a cousin, and the way he interacts with Merryn in the opening lines is brilliant -- it's so easy to relate to! But he needs more, and unfortunately seems to fade and vanish into the background about halfway through.

Merryn is the best here. She has lovely dialogue and this is clearly one of your strengths. I think all teenage girls can relate to both her and the situation she is in, so good work there. As you bulk out the description, try to include how *she* views the world -- with that you'll also strengthen her character while you're at it.

I am a little confused by Luca. His friends seem to come in a 4-pack that I find hard to visualise. I understand they're referred to as a group, but perhaps try to give individual members their own mini-personalities and lines? Don't worry about naming them, but it would be nice if they had their own souls! Luca himself seems very non-descript -- the reader has to be convinced that Merryn has picked him for a reason, but at the moment I'm not aware what that reason is. More description would help. Also, be careful how he is portrayed initially as the skinny guy with a hanging head and then, a few lines later, as a somewhat charming twinkly-eyed boy.

3. Story
So many questions! What's going on? Is there a big picture? Who *is* Merryn? Why should we care about her? What time of day is it? Why is this posted in the Science Fiction forum? Start to answer these questions, but maybe leave some unanswered for a bit of mystery -- you'll need a nice juicy hook to lure the reader in to the rest of the story!

Here, as above, I'd like to see more. More conflicts, more character development, more writing! What you have is good, but I think you're gonna have to flesh it out in order to make it *really* good.

4. Overall
Lots of potential here. I have a feeling that you know a lot more about this story than the reader does -- so share it! If you want me to explain any points I've made in more depth, please feel free to PM me or catch me in the chatroom. I look forwards to seeing "more" in all aspects in the future.

Charlie

Solidly written, cute little moral, but I can't really find the sci-fi in this. The mention of Selkin makes me think the other side of the spec-fic coin, and this is too brief to really establish any of the setting for social commentary that non-tech-heavy sci-fi excels at.

If this just a part of a larger project, then fine, otherwise, it is in serious need of expansion. Right now, there's nothing that really feels like sci-fi here, and this could probably be placed in General or Fantasy fiction without anyone being the wiser.

But I'm repeating myself.

In short: technically, there's nothing wrong. Thematically and length-wise though, it's a bit lacking, at least for sci-fi.

“Just hand me that towel, will you?”

This beginning is very abrupt.
Your opening sentence should be something that pulls the reader in and makes them want to read more. As it is, we’re thrown quite suddenly into the story without any information about the setting, time or atmosphere.
Work a little more description into this part especially.

“What, a Selkin afraid of water?” Merryn splashed her cousin across his sleek back.

So…what’s a Selkin? I’m not asking for an infodump, and I’m aware that you might explain this if you ever expand, but I really don’t think name-dropping will help you any.

Cei held up both hands. Clambering from the lukewarm pool, he scooped up a lilac towel. Drying himself vigorously, he hummed a tune under his breath.

These sentences are very lukewarm and boring. Not only that, but they’re repeptitive. The last two sentences start off with an ‘-ing’ verb. Maybe you could re-word it like this:
“Cei held up both hands in submission and got the towel himself. Clambering from the lukewarm pool, he scooped up a lilac towel. He hummed a tune under his breath as he dried himself vigorously.”

Merryn swam a lap and then floated lazily. Her eyes drifted shut. This wasn't the sea, but it would do. She let her thoughts have free rein. They took her beyond the atmosphere, into tranquil space. A sigh welled up from somewhere in her.

That italicized bit just begs more information. Would she prefer it the sea? Was she expecting the sea to be her place of swimming? Have her parents cancelled the ocean vacation in favour of the hotel version?

"Hey Merr, these gentlemen would like to use the pool." Her cousin's voice roused her- had she really fallen asleep?

Why do you keep using the word gentleman? It doesn’t seem to describe this rowdy bunch very accurately.

He had a towel draped over his skinny shoulders, the ends trailing down his back.

When you put a towel over your shoulders, the ends trail down the front, over your chest. Doing it the other way just invites someone to pull it and choke you.

For whatever reason, her heart went out to him.

Well that’s…unique. Suddenly, a female protagonist sees male protagonist being miserable. Female protagonist’s heart goes out to miserable male protagonist. Conversations ensues, during which the timid male protagonist reveals life secrets.
I’m sorry for making fun of you, but that’s really what it sounds like: it’s clichéd.

Anyways, it was a nice short read, rather fun, but it needs a lot of work. As is, it sounds like a mere skeleton of what it could be. Like the reviewers above me said, flesh it out and give it more description.
Jenth

“Just hand me that towel, will you?” As far as first lines go, I suppose this works... Dialogue is a good way to pull a person into a story. But coming into the second half of a conversation... I feel like I'm missing a line of dialogue that came before this, mostly because of the 'Just'.

"Cei held up both hands" Wait, why? To examine his pruney fingers, or to fend off the attack, or to show that he surrenders?

"If those young men aren't your friends, do don't have to follow them all the time." You don't have to follow.

"She lifted herself clear of the water, getting a startled reaction from the five teens." Why? Because she's hot, or because Selkins are people whose lower halves look like a cross between a seal and a manatee and a walrus? Why are these guys startled? Why does Luca abandon them so willingly?

Why are Cei and Merryn at this hotel(?). What are Selkins? Why does she feel the need to step in and pull Luca away from his friends? What's going on here? Just in general, I'd like to see a little more plot info here. No, it's not good to info-dump and heap information upon your reader all at once. But we should at least have an inkling of the story - something to keep us interested enough to keep us reading.

Character-wise, I agree with what someone else said in that Cei kind of disappears part way through. Where'd he go, and what does he think of Merryn calling this Luca boy over? What's his relationship with Merryn? Boyfriend, brother, cousin, friend? I have little sense of his character, and little sense of Luca, too. I also thought that his transformation from shy-boy to twinkly-eyes is a bit abrupt. As for Merryn, I am getting a sense of her personality I think, but I'd like to see even more. Why does she feel for this boy?

This is a good start, I think, but I'd still like to see more information here, about the characters and about the story itself.

Keep writing. ^^

Interesting........Way too short.
That's what comes to mind after reading this piece. I like Merrym and despite the fact that Luca doesn't say a word, I find myself liking him as well.
Can't wait to see where this will go, because I sure can't see where this is heading now.
Good luck and happy writing
~ Dragongirl