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Dreamweavers



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Fri Apr 15, 2011 10:44 pm
restlesspen says...



Anthony woke up in a fright. He had cold sweats and was breathing heavily. He’d had a nightmare, again. This was the third time this week it had happened to him and it was starting to adversely affect his life. His girlfriend of three years was beginning to get annoyed with the constant, late-night awakenings. It was not his fault though, he was not an entirely happy person and his life had no general direction at the moment. He started having nightmares about a year ago, but it was only once every couple months. Then it was once or twice a month, now it’s up to two or three times a week. This poor man was suffering and he did not know what to do. He was only 25, still fairly young in this day and age. It’s even acceptable to live with mom and dad at this age. He, however was not living with his parents, he owned an apartment with his girlfriend.
Anthony and his girlfriend, Sarah, had quite the odd relationship. They lived in downtown Washington D.C. in a rundown apartment. It was not the ideal place to raise a little girl. The two of them had a child together, a little girl named Kami. She was one year old and was just a little angel. They had been having some issues for quite some time. She complained he worked too much. The problem with the relationship was Sarah. She was the most selfish girl that you could meet. She worked a lot as well, but when she didn’t, she did nothing but sit around all day or cheat on Anthony. He worked a lot as well, never getting to finish college due to the baby, he worked almost 60 hours a week for eighty percent if their joint income. She took him for granted, and saw the baby less than some babysitters did. It could have been on a daytime trash show in a heartbeat. The problem was Anthony knew all of this was going on, but couldn’t break up the family for Kami. She had been his entire life, since the day she was born and he knew he had to be there for her. But he was preforming poorly at work, due to the nightmares and lack of sleep. His boss was starting to notice, as were his friends and family. The poor guy couldn’t eat, or sleep, or basically function at all. He knew he had to seek out help.
The first step of solving a problem is knowing you have one, and Anthony knew something was wrong. He kept having the same nightmare over, over again and it was starting to frighten him. The dream starts, with him driving to pick up little Kami from her babysitters. But something goes awry, there is a big traffic jam, and he can’t get to her. Sitting in traffic for what seems like hours, he gets a call. Kami is missing. It’s his worst nightmare come true, he gets panicked and decides to get out of the car and run the remaining mile to the house. He runs and runs, weaving through stopped cars, some people are even standing outside of them. After what felt like thirty more minutes, he reached the house and discovered the cause of the traffic jam. The house where his daughter was supposed to be was surrounded by police. He ran toward the scene, screaming for Kami. Stopped at the caution tape, he was met by a detective. The detective, dressed for business, and completely serious, told Anthony of the story. His daughter had been kidnapped by two men, one of whom was still in the house.
Before he could blink, the police had busted into the house. Tear gas was flowing out the windows and in seconds the authorities were exiting the building with a Hispanic suspect. Anthony had to fight every will to keep from attacking the man. He smoked a cigarette while he waited for the police the question the man. Offering him freedom, he spoke of the location of the girl, headed toward Mexico, where she could be lost forever. He wished so bad he could be in Mexico to be there to save her when she got there. His mind was one step ahead in his dream state.
The next second, he was deep in a rainforest. Anthony was not a dumb man. He realized he was dreaming the instant this happened. This was too impossible to be real. He however, as with every night this happened, remained asleep and deep into this dream world. From his earlier thoughts and the way the dream progressed, he assumed he was in Mexico, but where? He began to wander, trying to find any sign of civilization. He walked for miles, and miles, over thick roots, and fighting his way through thick vines. Trying to escape the entanglement of the vines, he became wrapped up in a boa constrictor’s death grip. He knew it was a dream so he closed his eyes and believed it to be stuffed. Instantly, the pressure was released and the stuffed snake onto the ground. He marched on, avoiding any more possible obstacles along the way. Then, he smelled a faint smell. It almost smelled like a fire, like someone was cooking food! Could it be? He ran toward the smell and when he got there he didn’t know what to believe. It was a horrific scene. People were dying left and right. A tremendous battle was taking place, the Aztec warriors being slaughtered by the Spanish Conquistadors. The savagely fighting tribes, with bows, arrows, wooden spears and shields, against superior European warriors equipped with more than enough bronze and steel weaponry to slice through any feeble defenses. They were even dying of sickness, people lying in the street, covered in pustules. They were coughing and were sweating like they had a fever. They were screaming and reaching out for help but the healthy wouldn’t go near them. He couldn’t believe his eyes. He was seeing the last of the Aztec empire.
Afraid of the situation around him, he looked around the city, hoping for a place of refuge. A large stone temple immediately caught his eye, and he instinctively walked toward it. It was a pyramid-shaped structure, made of some kind of intricately cut stone, with steps going all the way to the top. He had no choice in his actions. He slowly walked up the steps. Pace by pace he grew nearer, the size grew immensely. It had to be over 100 feet tall and, as he had done so many times, he began to climb. The chaos below getting more and more subdued as the invaders were finishing up their deeds. He could count the 365 steps to the top, trying to keep his mind off of what was going on around him, he thought of the odd number of steps adding up to a year. Maybe they were smarter than he thought after all. Maybe they knew something he didn’t. He could see the top of the pyramid now, with a large man, heavily painted, perched on the top.
Struggling up the last few steps, he was greeted by the Aztec King. He as a monster of a man, over 7 feet tall, covered in tattoos, piercings, war paint and a very intimidating headdress. The ruler’s mood was very somber, his eyes were glassed over and he seemed to be aware of the fact his empire was collapsing. His head hung low as he denied acknowledging the young man standing in front of him. Anthony spoke to the chief. After a long, awkward pause, he spoke to Anthony. It was in a strange, foreign tongue, though he could somehow understand. The message was clear. He needed to save his daughter from an unfortunate fate. Before Anthony could say a word in wonder, the ruler burst into glowing red and orange flames. They were, by far, the most beautiful flames, and he flew off into the sunset as an eagle. Soaring along the wind, the last remaining Aztec flew free from the unwanted rule of the Spaniards. Once the eagle was out of sight, Anthony immediately woke up, sweating, and on the verge of a panic attack. His mind was streaming, he couldn’t deal with these dreams anymore.
These dreams were haunting him even during the daytime, he had to protect his daughter, but from what? That morning, he decided that he was going to have a good day, despite the troubling dreams he’d been having. He got out of bed, tired and weary from the stressful night. He didn’t have time for a shower, so he used a spray deodorant even, though he knew it would only mask it and make it worse. He headed to work, a short walk through the center of town. It was a warehouse that supplied lumber to the local hardware stores. He walked down the street, looking in all the windows as he passed, but then he noticed something he had never seen before. It was a small, beat up looking shop that did all but asked him to enter. Covered in old-blue, chipped, and most likely still lead-based paint, the shack looked as if it was something that was going to crumble. He didn’t have time to stop, or he could lose his job, but he did. The shop put him into a sort of trance. He felt sudden need to check out this store. As he entered he had a strange feeling, as though he’d been there before. He saw things that he had never seen before; petrified animal parts, and preserved specimens of every animal imaginable. There were bunce and burners, urns, and essentially a 1950’s chemistry lab. It was full of liquid and ingredients on burners, even some things were cooling. There were very old inventions more technologically advanced than the top-of-the-line products on the market today. The store was full of gadgets, inventions, and ingredients for some potions. Anthony was unsure how to feel about the store for now, he was slightly frightened. When the owner realized he had a customer, he became jubilant.
The old man welcomed Anthony with a very big handshake, trying to pull away, the old man held tighter, and began to show him around the store, all the miraculous inventions he created. A teleportation device that connected to another continent, a very large, brass case with colorful lights flashing on the front, it even seemed like it was beeping, and actually he could hear a faint beep, like the whole store was beeping. Anthony quickly realized what the beeping was. There was a binary code machine, used to see the future. He could hear the beeping, and see the numbers flashing on the screen. He could not, however, read it. He knew he must not be dreaming. And, finally, his coup de gras, a time machine. The time machine was huge, the size of a sauna, and had twice and many lights and bells than the transporter. Anthony couldn’t believe his eyes with all the things he’d just seen. He needed to calm down, and relax. So many things were running through his mind. His idea or probable science and physics were completely shattered. The man was very interested in why Anthony decided to come in, he asked odd questions like how had he been sleeping? He asked if he had a job, and what he was missing by being there? Anthony answered honestly and he explained the entranced feeling before entering. He told the man about Kami, and the dreams he’d been having. He even told him he was skipping work to be there right now. The old man just sat, and patiently listened as Anthony went on to explain how he was doing, which at the moment was not great. The old man softly smiled as he crossed his legs. He explained that with the binary code, he would be able to tell if something would happen to his beloved daughter. With great gratitude, Anthony decided to go along with the plan. The man began to look at and read the numbers, he carefully read, and re-read the numbers. There was no mistaking it, horrible things were going to happen. Seeing the future and every tragedy that occurs in the world, definitely takes its toll on a person, he learned to not look at the numbers flashing on the screen. Over time, it was nothing but a burden. Knowing all that information is too much for one man, for any amount of men. He became more and more saddened. The numbers did not bear good news for Anthony, or the rest of the area.
Anthony was primarily concerned with his daughter, but little did he know, the fate of his daughter and the world went hand in hand. The old man would not tell Anthony what was going to happen, but he made sure to let him know that in the coming days, terrors will happen. This news frightened Anthony, he wanted to do something to help, but he had obligations and he continued on to work, an hour late. The boss yelled, and he got written up, but none of that mattered, his mind was occupied. Going through the motions at work, he counted the seconds until he could see his daughter. But when he got home, something was wrong, she had fallen ill. It wasn’t bad but she was a very sad little girl she had a rash on her legs. They rushed to the hospital and, after waiting for 6 hours in a room to see a doctor for 15 minutes, they were sent home with lotion and were told she had the flu and a rash. Anthony just knew it was something more. She was getting sicker by the minute.
Over the next few days more and more people got sick, all with the same flu, and the government health agency called for a state of emergency and told all people to stay sanitized and wear masks if possible. These people were not getting better for some reason, and all of the victims had a rash, just like Kami’s. Something was similar about these peoples’ sicknesses, the fever, the rash, the coughing. Anthony had seen these symptoms before. It only took a few minutes to realize where it was, the dreams! It was the same sickness the Aztecs had! They were in bad shape and he knew he had a very short time to act, especially if he wants to save his little angel. He knew the doctors would know more than he did so he went to them with his information. They laughed in his face about the extinct disease without contemplating, and he was brought down so many notches. It was his turn to find the cause. He researched ancient Aztec culture and found that smallpox was the prominent killer of indigenous people in the ancient world. He thought to himself how so many people could have this “extinct” disease and how could they have gotten it? If it was extinct, then it mutated to survive. The question is was it natural or man –made? He prayed it was a natural cause, because he knew the nature of people and they can do very evil things.

He called his girlfriend to tell her what he discovered, she did not answer. She was supposed to be watching their daughter in the hospital, how busy could she be? He jumped into his car and rushed to the hospital, the scene around the hospital and into the street was worse than ever. He had never seen so many people, in misery, dying, crying out for help. All Anthony had to do was get to the hospital, easier said than done as thousands of people were sick and dying. He and he had a gut feeling this wasn’t natural. Once he got to the hospital the doctors tried to check him in. Out of breath, he told the doctors all he knew about the smallpox epidemic and how he thought it was maybe an intentional attack, and they wondered how he knew this information, but had too much work to do. They thanked him for his help, but he had another place to go. He searched the hospital for
Ashley and Kami, but they were nowhere to be found. He was scared sick that something had happened to them but he couldn’t do anything about it now. He hurried back to the beat up old store, through the thousands of bodies, he caught a glimpse of a man actually die and it made him vomit. Once he recovered, the found the place where the shop was, but it was nowhere to be found, like it was never there. He was beginning to lose it; he needed that man’s help in order to solve this. He was scared, and thought back to his dream. Come to think of it the Chief looked a bit like the old man in the store. What were these beings doing with him? Making his last days hell? He thought of the battles and fighting and hoped he was not foreseeing a future in his dream there was an enormous battle. His answer came soon enough, and an explosion boomed from across the city. He needed to find the old man, and quickly. More explosions roared, and fire started being returned. It was a battlefield, hell on earth.
His instincts kicked in, and Anthony started to run. He ran, dodging missiles, bullets and shrapnel, until he got to the steps of the Capital building. When he got there, he immediately knew what to do. He had to stop all the fighting, all the carnage, but he was only one man, what could he do? He thought if the young man at Tiananmen Square and he knew what to do. Sprinting up the steps, he needed to get to a high point. He got there just in time, as he stood on top of the steps and watched as this foreign army marched forward up the steps. He made it clear that he was unarmed as they drew closer with assault rifles pointed at him, waiting for their orders to kill. The order never came. The general of the foreign army saw this man’s bravery and wished to meet him, and the president. That night, Anthony, the President, and this foreign General had dinner and discussed a truce. Anthony felt out of place as he was covered in filth from the wreckage, and enduring the battle with no weapons. The President, and General were formally dressed and they had far superior etiquette. The men discussed women, yachts, cognac, and of course the truce. The countries ended the fighting and the antidote to the specialized small pox was handed over to save all the people.
Anthony was a global hero, and just days before he was a struggling father with a horrible girlfriend. He left the ceremonies to go back to the hospital to check on little Kami, his pride and joy. He wasn’t planning on having to save the nation or the world this week and missed his daughter dearly. When he got to the hospital, Sarah was nowhere to be found, but he’d decided that they could no longer be together long before this latest mix up. He could really care less where she was. He just wanted to see his daughter, but something was wrong. The doctors were frantic, rushing to save a little body. Anthony prayed it was not his little girl, but he was not so fortunate. She contracted the disease so early and was so little that she didn’t stand a chance. His life was crumbling, as the doctors worked continuously on this child’s lifeless body. He was losing control of himself when he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder. He slowly turned, tears streaming down his cheeks, and he saw the last person he expected, but the one he wished would appear. The old man from the shop helped Anthony up and they walked over to the doctors as they were giving up on little Kami’s body. He gently smiled, put his hand on her chest, closed his eyes and she burst into laughter. The little baby began to laugh like she had just been tickle attack.
If Anthony was crying before, he was sobbing now. He’d lost his world, his lifeline, and this kind, quiet gentleman brought her back to life and he could not be more grateful. He bent down to pick up his sweetheart and when he turned around the man was gone. When Anthony asked the doctors and nursing staff where the old man went, they acted as though he were crazy. They told him that when he touched his daughter’s chest, she just sprang back to life. He was so confused, and it took him a long time for him to realize that he had the powers of love and bravery inside him the whole time. The old man may have been real, or he could have just been a figment of Anthony’s imagination in order to bring out the best qualities in him.
Anthony now lives, in Arlington, VA with his daughter Kami, who is now 6 and in perfect health. He does not need to work for the government gives him $1 million a year for the rest of his life and Kami gets $250,000 for college when she’s ready for it. He left Sarah right after the incident, once a reliable source caught her sleeping with another man, even while Anthony was being a hero and their daughter was deathly ill in the hospital. He is currently the most eligible bachelor on the east coast, and he his loving the high life. He didn’t not miss her one bit and she is in bad shape, She now lives in a trailer park with her husband “Earl,” who had been layed off from the coal mine for 5 years and drinks more than anyone should. They are on welfare and have five children. Sometimes being a good person does pay off.
Last edited by restlesspen on Sat Apr 16, 2011 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sat Apr 16, 2011 3:41 am
tr3x says...



Hey restlesspen.
I'm tr3x, and I'm going to say some pretty harsh things about this story. I realize you are a new member, so you stll have time to improve, but I am not going to be gentle, simply because cushioning blows doesn't help you improve.
So first of, I did not like your story much. It felt like a jumble of ideas thrown together randomly. You start talking about Anthony, his horrible girlfriend, his baby daughter, etc. Then you go on to his completely unrelated, random dream. Then he realizes the dream means something (i.e. horrible diseases infecting people, his daughter is in danger. Then we skip to Tienanmen square, and then he lives happily ever after. In my opinion, bad ideas shoved together in an unrelated jumble.

Next, your structure also needs improvement. Some paragraphs are too long, and/or have unrelated content. Sometimes breaks are in the wrong places. Writing the story as a third person narrator seemed unnatural and detached. Many times the imagery was either forced, or boring. Either make it first person, or third person omniscient. Several spelling/grammatical errors that I'm not going to detail here. You had a very flat tone throughout the story, and it was long enough to make it dreary to read through.

Some other narrative inconsistencies:

The second paragraph was too rushed. You tried to introduce the characters, but I didn't find myself caring at all.

Anthony was not a dumb man. He realized he was dreaming the instant this happened. This was too impossible to be real.

You never know you are dreaming while in the dream state. A little unrealistic, and also redundant since you already mentioned that this was the dream. Also, the flow of the dream seems badly thought out.

Afraid of the situation around him, he looked around the city, hoping for a place of refuge.

If he knows its a dream, why is he afraid?

I do not wish to trawl through the rest of the story finding flaws because it is so long, and there are so many.
I may be too harsh, but I feel that if you want to improve, you have to hear the ugly truth about your work. Please feel free to PM me or leave a comment on my wall if you need anything else. Keep writing, and you will improve.
A lie can run around the world before the truth has got its boots on.
- Terry Pratchett

Si non confectus, non recifiat - If it ain't broken, don't fix it.
  





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Wed May 04, 2011 9:12 am
reviewhag says...



Reviewhag reviews review by Tr3X:

So first of, I did not like your story much. - Never say that - too blunt, can destroy someone's dream just when they should be given some hope. 'Did not pull me in' or 'found it difficult to stay focused on your story' - this says the same thing without causing so much pain. Causing people needless pain for their own good is a crime.

It felt like a jumble of ideas thrown together randomly. - Tr3X is right here - had the different bits been stuck together through gradually connecting pargraphs, it would have worke out much better.

Next, your structure also needs improvement. Some paragraphs are too long, and/or have unrelated content. Sometimes breaks are in the wrong places. - very true. This will only come with practice.

Writing the story as a third person narrator seemed unnatural and detached. - this is subjective. All kids and proles want to read first person because it's easier to identify with it. The writer chooses the mode he/she thinks wors best

Many times the imagery was either forced, or boring. - also a question of time and practise

Either make it first person, or third person omniscient. - what Tr3x probably means is that not so much that you have to choose one of these, but rather that once you chose one you have to stick with it throughout the whole story. And this is quite right. For example, you start with the protagonist's name, and we assume that we are seing the world through his eyes. Then suddenly you say 'this poor man', as if the narrator has become a separate voice who now talks directly to the reader. I don't think this story will benefit from a first person. To hell with first person. But it will benefit if you stabilize the POV: either there's a narrator separate from the main protagonist, and this narrator talks to us, or, he pretends that he's not there and just describes what happens without speakign directly to us.

Bottom line:
writer: after writing 10 more stories, you'll be able to edit this one to make it three times as good. So far 2 out of 10, mainly because of shaky structure and POV.
Reviewer: impatience and a hint of conceit in review. Two thirds useful, one third subective stuff presented as objective. 7 out of 10
“Nothing in this house moves,” Eleanor said, “until you look away, and then you just catch something from the corner of your eye. Look at the little figurines on the shelves; when we all had our backs turned they were dancing with Theodora.
  





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Thu May 05, 2011 1:56 am
silentpages says...



Starting with a character waking up from a nightmare has been done a lot, but I think it could still work just as long as you do it well. It's one of those cliches where it's familiar, but not so much that a reader is going to automatically groan and put down the book.

One thing is, though, the first few paragraphs at least are pretty much all 'tell', with little 'show'. We're not really getting into your MC's head, and that's going to mean that the reader is less likely to enjoy your story, or even keep reading.

Most of this is in past tense, but then theres this line - "Then it was once or twice a month, now it’s up to two or three times a week." where you suddenly switch to present tense. Keep an eye on that.

"It’s even acceptable to live with mom and dad at this age. He, however was not living with his parents," The part about it being acceptable to live with mom and dad is a little off-topic, and could be distracting.

"She was one year old and was just a little angel. They had been having some issues for quite some time. She complained he worked too much. The problem with the relationship was Sarah." The problem here is that the placement of 'They'd been having issues for some time' means that we might think the narrator is talking about the daughter, who we've already established is a little angel, so why would she be causing problems? I think you could probably fix it simply by moving the line 'The problem with the relationship was Sarah' could be put after the 'angel' line, and you can probably even cut out the line about them having issues.

"She worked a lot as well ... He worked a lot as well," Repetition, and only the second one should have the 'as well'.

"He knew he had to seek out help.
The first step of solving a problem is knowing you have one, and Anthony knew something was wrong" I'm not really feeling these lines... And I'm still not feeling any real connection to these characters. I think you might benefit from giving us the story from Anthony's point of view. Really get us inside his head. Make us feel what he feels.

"... discovered the cause of the traffic jam. The house where his daughter was supposed to be was surrounded by police."
Very nice way of developing the dream-like feel. :) But again, get into Anthony's head more. Reading onward, yeah, you did a very nice job developing the dream feeling...

"It was a small, beat up looking shop that did all but asked him to enter." This line confuses me, especially in combination with the lines that follow. Does he want to enter the shop, or not?

"He didn’t have time to stop, or he could lose his job, but he did." I thought he was going to have a good day today? And he was working so hard, and blabbity blah. He can still go in, but get us in his head. Make us understand what's drawing him in, even if he knows he could lose his job.

"There were very old inventions more technologically advanced than the top-of-the-line products on the market today" Like what? Give us some examples. Explain this more, please.

"Anthony quickly realized what the beeping was" How? What experience does he have that allows him to recognize all this stuff? Also, I think he should be more skeptical. Teleportation and time machines? I would be smiling politely, but waiting to leave.

I'm sorry to say, parts of this sound very unrealistic. And you get that with any science fiction story to a certain extent, but here it's almost unbelievable... I don't believe that Anthony would believe in all this stuff off the top of his head. I don't believe that the store owner wouldn't share all these fabulous discoveries with the rest of the world. I don't believe that the doctors wouldn't recognize the smallpox. It may be extinct, but they'd probably still know what it looked like.

"Ashley and Kami, but..." Thought the girlfriend's name was Sarah.

"it took him a long time for him to realize that he had the powers of love and bravery inside him the whole time." Oh... That's sweet, I guess.

I don't like the way things turned out with Sarah. I mean, supposedly she's this awful person, but Anthony's no saint himself. He dumps her right after things start to get better, and... I don't know. I just don't like him.

This was more summary than anything. I never really formed a connection with the characters, and I found a lot of the storyline to be unbelievable, unrealistic, etc... Sorry. :/

This could potentially be a good story, but right now I think you need to work on getting into the characters' heads and developing your plotline, making it more believable.

Keep writing. :]
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  








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