Young Writers Society

AN: First off, I will say, briefly--I have no idea. I wrote this last night at roughly 10 or 11 pm. I was tired. I'd taken sleeping medication. I heard that there was a steampunk anthology with a deadline of May 31 (thought it was April, you see) and wanted to see what I could come up with. I'm also horrible at short stories.

With all that in mind, here you are. Enjoy the show and I hope you like it...and have many, many useful suggestions. Because I don't usually do steampunk...or science fiction. (I wrote one skiffy novel, a'right? That's all I got.) Yeah. Good luck, brave readers.

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Sara faced the wind; a blissful smile on her face, eyes crinkled at the corners. Her russet hair was swept back by the wind.
“Miss Saxon?” A tap on her shoulder followed the question. “Miss Saxon?”
She sighed and opened her eyes wide and looked over at a man. “Yes, Roger?” she whispered. The wind almost swept away her voice. Her face was carefully rearranged--blank.
Roger, a stout man with a walrus mustache, fiddled with the cap in his hands. “Well, we’re about to dock, you see.”
Sara glanced down over the side of the airship. The ground, green grass and young birch-like trees swaying in equal measure, yawned at her down about two hundred feet. She smiled and leaned a bit farther. She could see the thatch roofs of the tiny stone homes, as well as the platform they were to dock at. This was Talon’s birth home, his village. The thought brought a fresh smile to her face.
“Don’t!” Roger protested, fluttering about behind her on his stubby little legs. She thought of rolling her eyes.
“I’ve ridden in an airship before, Roger, need you forget?”
“You’re also a dare devil,” Roger said under his breath as he walked off.
Once his back was turned to her, she rolled her eyes. She looked over the brilliant airship then, at the gold balloon above, the taupe sail to the rear, and the men who slaved away, keeping their precious baby on course. She could even imagine the front piece; a male lion’s head attached to a green serpent body, all wood and carved wondrously. It was a beautiful place and the day--sunny, unusual weather in England--was glorious.
“Servants these days, eh?”
She jumped, eyes popping big, and twirled away on her heels. She hugged her waistcoat closer, then realized it was Talon, not one of the all-too-friendly sailors.
The sharp-faced boy gave her a grin, but there was no emotion in his eyes, as per usual.
“How do you like the view, cousin?” Talon winked, the motion clear as day. She grit her teeth. “Or the ride? The ride was nice. Bet you enjoyed getting away from that dreary old castle of your father’s.”
Confusion washed over her. “Huh?”
“My uncle has such a horrid place,” Talon added.
She gulped.
Right. Their act.
“Welcome home, Talon,” she said.
She refused to rise to the bait.
Off scene, the captain yelled: “Prepare to land!”
Her megawatt smile returned full force at the news, but was snatched from her once again. Talon elbowed her in response and leaned closer, to whisper: “Remember our deal? No need to shed more blood, aye?”
She shivered, closed her eyes. “Right.”
Talon chuckled. “Smile.”
His voice couldn’t have been more sardonic. He knew she loved flying.
Likewise, she knew he loved to torment her.
Fair’s fair, she supposed. Not that she had to be happy about it, oh no. So she smiled a pointy-fanged smile at him and watched as a grimace crossed his pretty-boy face.

///

AN: The title is also giving me trouble. Just FYI. (It's just the first thing that came to mind, actually.) Also, can anyone explain in greater detail what 'standard double-spaced manuscript format' means? I have a basic idea, but...

I know. I'm so needy.

Anyway, thanks guys. For, you know, humoring me.

Helloooo! I shall be humoring you today.

I can definitely see the science fiction elements here (the airship, Sara's fangs, etc.), however, I don't really see much of a plot here. You've just got two people pretending to be cousins flying on an airship. Unless you're planning on making this into something larger, you should probably introduce some sort of plot. What are they doing on the airship? Where did they come from? What blood shed was Talon talking about? Are they killers? Are they *dramatic pause* vampires? What's with the fangs? I think you get the point. In my opinion, the title's pretty cool; I'm not really sure what it means, but it's definitely catchy. I really like your characters so far and the dialogue between them seems very natural. Overall, this was pretty good for something written late at night. It's a heck of a lot better than what I could do when I'm sleep deprived. But, like I mentioned above, you've got to work on the whole plot thing.

Okay, double spaced manuscript format....I found this nifty site that should be able to help you out with all your formatting questions: http://www.marlyspearson.com/formatting_101.htm

Hope all this helped!

Jellybean

Hello there, and thanks for the post. I have to agree totally with jellybean on this. What is this aircraft? Where are they from? Anything to be a little more catchy. I feel maybe if you redid this story and put a little more time into it (without sleep medication, of course) then I would really enjoy this. Please check out some of my writing and give any feedback you can, good or bad. I would appreciate it. Keep writing and keep up the good work!

Hi! :D

I think, first off, you need a snappier beginning. It's not bad, but it doesn't really have that hook that catches you, drags you in, and refuses to let you go, y'know?

Sara faced the wind; a blissful smile on her face, eyes crinkled at the corners. Her russet hair was swept back by the wind.

“Miss Saxon?” A tap on her shoulder followed the question. “Miss Saxon?”

She sighed and opened her eyes wide and looked over at a man. “Yes, Roger?” she whispered. The wind almost swept away her voice. Her face was carefully rearranged--blank.

Y'got a bit of repetition there, and why is Sara whispering her response? It doesn't really seem to make sense, it feltto me to be a case of not wanting to use the word 'said', which you don't too much (I think once in this) and instead favour more descriptive words. That's fine, if they're needed, but said is a nice little word that doesn't bring too much attention to itself and help things move along nicely.

She smiled and leaned a bit farther. She could see the thatch roofs of the tiny stone homes, as well as the platform they were to dock at. This was Talon’s birth home, his village. The thought brought a fresh smile to her face.

Got you a typo there ;D also, if the village is so small that the buildings still have thatched roofs (afaik most steampunk is set in Victorian England, yes? I believe that by then most buildings had tiled roofs because of slate production, and the railways network moving everything about) then is it really feasible that it would have it's own train station, let alone an air-ship dock? The Victorian era was the beginning of the industrial revolution, which is why it's normally associated with Steampunk, so this village would have to have some importance about it in order for a dock to by built there, in which case it probably wouldn't be that much of a village any more, if that makes sense? Also, Roger and Sara are quite English names (although Sarah would be much more common) Talon, not so much, and so it very much sticks out as not-quite-fitting-in. And the final introduction of Sara's pointed teeth... it just seemed a little off the wall to me? I'm not sure if that's supposed to be a hint that she's a vampire or something, it just seems kinda irrelevant to the rest of the piece?

This left me... more confused than anything, I have to admit XD it just seems quite half-formed at the moment. Why are Talon and Sara pretending to be cousins? Are they hiding from someone? What's their real relationship, and why do they have to hide it? Why are they on the airship? Where are they going? Does Roger know that they're faking? This is currently stuffed with questions, and not too many answers. At present it feels much more like a scene in something longer, rather than a short story in its own right. It's like you've got yourself a good framework for a story, and it just needs padding in with a bit more plot and characterisation.

I hope that I've been of some use to you! If you have any questions or if you'd like me to elaborate or explain anything that I've mentioned, feel free to shoot me a PM :D

-Tinny

“Yes, Roger?” she whispered.

I couldn't imagine her actually whispering this. If someone asked you a question, would you honestly whisper back? I hardly whisper at all. A simple 'she said' would work here.

yawned at her down about two hundred feet.

when I saw 'yawned' I imagined an actual *yawn* Besides that, the whole paragraph of description was very nice!

Once his back was turned to her, she rolled her eyes. She looked over the brilliant airship then, at the gold balloon above, the taupe sail to the rear, and the men who slaved away, keeping their precious baby on course. She could even imagine the front piece; a male lion’s head attached to a green serpent body, all wood and carved wondrously. It was a beautiful place and the day--sunny, unusual weather in

I love how you give us plenty of description!

She gulped.
Right. Their act.

I don't get this. But maybe I'm not supposed to yet.

So she smiled a pointy-fanged smile at him and watched as a grimace crossed his pretty-boy face.

Unless she literally has fangs, I wouldn't put this here.


I was really happy to find that there were airships in this! I always thought they were cool, but I never see anything written about them... so that was a pleasant surprise!
I love how you described the scenery and the airship. I seem to like your descriptions, so don't be afraid to go all out with them. The more the better, I say. I'd like some equally long descriptions about Sara's and Talon's appearances, along with the way they dress. Think you could fit that in for me?

Hope I helped!
~blacksheep

...and then I got to the end and everything fit nicely into the lovely explanation that .
You did a good job keeping the reader guessing, though that could just be because I'm so unobservant. Pretty much everything makes sense after that, though. Well, pretty much everything.