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The Last Human on Planet Earth



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Tue Apr 26, 2011 6:42 pm
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Cyb3rBlade says...



Well, you're right. This plot would be done better justice as a novel, so that's exactly what I'm gonna write: a novel. The first chapter has already been posted, so please take a look.

I am the last human on planet Earth. I am the final survivor on this ruined rock orbiting a dying star. I am the only one left.
Thirteen days ago, my friend Carl died. Ever the optimist, He was whistling as he fished for bioluminescent fang squid. He never even heard the skull creeper coming. In the middle of the chorus, the baleful mutant arachnid shot venomous spines in his back. All I found was his fishing rod, with a squid still trying to escape.
Twenty-two days before that, my dear sister drowned in acid-polluted water. While fighting for my life with an ushi, I watched cravenly as a hitokage serpent pursued Elizabeth. She tripped and fell over a cliff, and my sister was no more. I could not even give her a decent burial, let alone avenge her on that accursed monster.
Just ten days earlier, Alexander, my former rival, was impaled on a twisted steel support when a floor collapsed as he hunted ushi. I could not reconcile myself to the fact that he died to bring me food.
When shall my turn come? Tomorrow? Today? Will they come for me tonight, when my fire dies down? I have cheated death so many times. Now, no one is left to take my place. One by one, they died. Slowly, we are becoming extinct at the claws of abominations that should not exist

And to think that it began with a discovery that might have saved lives. In the name of greed, a war was declared to decide who would have rights to Human DNA. Munitions evolved. Missiles flew. Cities burned and billions died.
His name was Dr. Clarkeson. He promised he could solve all of our problems with genetically engineered organisms. Our faction was loosing the war, and the senate was desperate. How very foolish it was to trust him. They kicked the president out of the capitol, then replaced him with this man who had never overseen so much as a lemonade stand.
He promised us ‘super cows’ to solve hunger. They should have been fast growing, hardy, and docile. He succeeded in the first two characteristics, but failed utterly in his third promise. A hormonal mutation caused their mouths to fill with teeth, sharp as katanas. They were known to regenerate even entire limbs with astonishing speed. Four muscular legs allowed them to out distance a human with ease. Many of the man-eating omnivores escaped from the top-secret laboratory where they were bred. We call them ‘ushi’ after the groans of the first victim.
His fang squid were bred to devour the enemy’s fisheries and so starve their population. They did, and then preyed on our own fishing industry.
Skull creeper larvae can fly on strands of silk like some ordinary spiders, spreading them over the enemy’s cities and fortresses. Fatally, though, they also infested our own.
When rolled-up newspapers failed, Dr. Clarkeson developed hitokage serpents from the komodo dragon and other fierce creatures large and small. At first, the fire-breathing organic exterminators could be kept on a leash, but it didn’t take long for most of them to escape. Between the two species, the streets, subways, and especially the alleyways became unsafe to stand in.
As the empire I pledged allegiance to began to crumble from monsters within and an onslaught of enemy infantry without, the Doctor became desperate and despairing. In a final act of spite, he ordered numerous missiles constructed and launched. Some had nuclear warheads. Others carried a far more sinister payload; they detonated in low atmosphere, distributing a deadly, synthetic virus. By the time the remnant of the enemy army found Clarkeson’s body in his office, most of civilization was ashes. Most of those remaining died soon after in an epidemic unrivaled in all of history.

I ponder the purpose of what is left of my life as I cook fang squid over a burning couch. Once the furniture was worth thousands of dollars; now it is less than an armload of usable firewood.
I look out the entrance of the cave I dug into a mountain of rubble. Watching the dying crimson sun, I consider ending my painfully meaningless existence with a plunge into the slate gray lake my hole overlooks. What is there to live for? It's over. For decades they searched for life on other planets. Now, ours is dying, joining the rest of the lifeless universe
What was that noise? Whatever else may come, I refuse to become prey to the creature that caused my sister’s death. I grab an ornately carved couch leg from the fire and prepare to face the unknown source of the startling sound.
More astonishing than a dozen hitokages, a gaunt woman meets my worrisome gaze at the mouth of my cave.
“Who are you?” I ask, as astounded as she.
“Ki vagy te?” It sounds like she is asking the same of me.
I point to myself and say slowly, “Jacob.”
She does the same, saying, “ILona.”
I am famished, but I can see that she has not eaten in days. I take the squid out of the fire and offer it to her. Watching her face, I can tell that she is too hungry to care that she had never tasted anything more bitter.
I was no longer alone! Now that there is another human being with me, I have so much more to live for. I am amazed that she has survived this long without even knowing how to catch a fang squid. Now it is my responsibility to look after her.
It is hard to remember, sometimes, that Elizabeth is no longer with me. ILona does not say much, like my thoughtful sister used to. When I hear her feet quietly trotting behind me, I think it’s her, until I look back and see ILona’s curious, smiling face. I could never forget my sister, though. I could never forget my her blood that is on my hands.
Frequently, I forget that ILona has never even heard English before! But she nods politely and pretends to understand for my sake. Slowly, I teach her English, and she teaches me words of her native Hungarian. One word that she never lets me forget is ‘Tintahal’ - squid.

Three months later, we find Kazoku. What a wonderful place it is! Sixteen miles of craters, acid and rubble from the cave I once called home, we came across a thriving community of over a score of those who survived the nuking and disease.
They had gathered enough clean soil to grow some potted vegetables – you never realize how good broccoli tastes until you have not eaten fresh vegetation for three years. In small pools, they raised fang squid and other, less remarkable, fishes.
From blackened I-beams and strips of corrugated aluminum, they had pieced together homes. In the middle of the village they had dug a deep well filled with fresh, clean, pure water, free from acid, chemicals, and microorganisms.
They defend themselves from hitokage serpents with longbows, javelins, and a crude flame-thrower patched up from a prewar tool. Usually there are at least two villagers at their primitive forge, making and repairing weapons. When an ushi is killed, the furnace is re-purposed to cook the gigantic animal.
To be a citizen and share in the harvest, one must share in the provision, and particularly, the protection of the village. There is much to be done, with squid to be fed, barley to be harvested, arrows to be made, and hitokage serpents to watch for in one of the five guard towers.
We were welcomed with open arms. It is a safe place to be, even if a skull creeper or an ushi is spotted every six hours or so. People from both of the formerly warring empires work together in defiance of death.
No longer do I think myself the last human on Earth; now, I am surrounded by friends.
Last edited by Cyb3rBlade on Tue May 17, 2011 11:36 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:05 pm
BaronLoucandrius says...



The concept of this is interesting. I will give you that. However when I read this I don't really see a story.
Instead I see a very condensed timeline that depicts the events that could happen within a story or even in multiple stories.

An example,

Cyb3rBlade wrote:Thirteen days ago, my friend Carl was eaten by a skull creeper. The baleful mutant arachnid shot venomous spines in his back while he fished for bioluminescent fang squid.



This right here could be a chapter or a short story in itself. There are events leading up to when he was attacked by this creature, and the aftermath. Describe what this creature looked like, how it acted, how Carl acted when he was attacked.
The whole encounter would make an interesting read I'm sure.
Take what you have here and break it up into many short stories. Expand on the characters that we only have names for and know nothing about.

Cyb3rBlade wrote:Just ten days earlier, Alexander was impaled on a twisted steel support when a floor collapsed while he hunted ushi.


Who is Alexander? What events led him to be impaled? Whats an Ushi exactly ? This also includes your main character Jacob. How did he survive this long? Where did his travels take him? Who was he before this? Who was Alexander to him? A friend? Brother? Random stranger?
You could make a whole batch of stories from this alone. :3
  





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Wed Apr 27, 2011 6:39 pm
Azila says...



Hi! Thanks for the request. I'm going to have to make this review brief, but let me know if you want me to elaborate on anything.

Firstly, I like the world-building you've done here. The back-story with the mutant animals and all that seems fairly well-thought-out and well-executed. I also think you did pretty well portraying the whole thing--you gave us enough information to get your point across but not so much as to be boring, and you still left a lot up to the reader's imagination. Well done.

The piece does have a wee tendency to seem info-dump-ish here and there, since your style is a little bit dry, but it's not that bad. It's probably what you're going for, actually. Personally, I'd prefer a take that was a little more emotional and less technical, but that is completely a matter of opinion.

I'm a little confused with the whole "last (hu)man on Earth" thing. You open the piece by saying that he is the last human on the planet. Okay, fine, but then a little later you say "Shall I be next?" That seemed odd to me, since if he's the last one left he must be next, because there's nobody else to go before him. Then, later, when Asuka comes, you say that he was the last man on the planet. Then, they go to Japan (?) and there are more people there! So he was nowhere near the last person. I realize that this might be the point (that he keeps thinking all is lost, and then it ends up getting better) but I think you could improve it a little bit. Like I said with adding the emotional side of things--I'd like to see his surprise and wonder and joy at finding humanity when he thought he was doomed to solitude. I think you could make this a lot bigger of a deal than you did. Try and imagine yourself in the position of your main character--how would you feel?

Also, on a sort of technical note: where is this supposed to take place? I know they're in Japan in the end, but where did they start out? Where is your main character from? Did they start in Japan? If so, why is your main character there (since he's obviously not Japanese)? If not, how did they get there? Japan being islands and all, I had a little difficulty imagining that without any hints.

Overall, nice! The end was sweet, and the concept was well-done. It can sort of be seen as a metaphor for someone overcoming depression or loneliness, whether you intended it that way or not. Well done. I'm sorry this review isn't as in-depth as I would have hoped, but I'm short on time just now and I figured a quick review was better than no review. :]

Feel free to PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or need anything at all!

a
  





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Wed Apr 27, 2011 10:03 pm
Cyb3rBlade says...



Well, um, you've got me there. I have no idea where Asuka came from.

It sort of happened like this. The videogame Advance Wars: Days of Ruin was basicaly the first time I had ever seen the Apocalyptic genre. The planet after a meteor shower is just two landmasses with an ocean in the middle. The character's portraits all show manga influence, and one of them does kind of... appear out of nowhere. And I guess it didn't occur to me that they must be geographically close to Japan since only the village's name is Japanese. (Kazocu is Japanese for Family, if anyone cares.) Seriously though, I am gonna have to fix this. Time to switch to a mainland country, I guess.

By "shall I be next?" I kinda meant "will I die in five minutes? (give or take a few)" but I do see what you're saying. The character gives his opinion in statements like these.

By the way, I explain in paragraph eight what an Ushi is
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Fri Apr 29, 2011 5:32 am
deo says...



I never nitpick, im sorry, I leave others to do that.
I usually only comment if I like a story, and this is no exception. The post apocalyptic concept you have constructed is original and fresh which I think is very important in writing. I hate cliched or overused ideas. You clearly have a great imagination and I think with a little more effort, revisiting etc you could turn this into a great story. I realise this is a short story but I still think you need to focus a little more on character development, which is one aspect you seem to have missed out. Developing the character is essential to drawing the reader in deeper, just like I was drawn into the world you had created. I look foward to re-reading this if you deciede to come back to it. Keep up the good writing :D
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 4:35 am
MadameLuxestrange says...



Hi there! Alright, I like what you've got going here. I like the post-apocalyptic genre. It's very 'in' these days it seems. Anyhoo, someone else said that you should probably consider making this into a few different stories and they are absolutely right. More would be great for this. The reason being is that there is so much that we don't get to know in this. Another thing that would be good is if you gave us more on Ilonya. Even if she can't speak English, that doesn't mean she can't communicate. Develop her a little bit. With regards to the town they find, you should probably stretch out the time it takes to find it. Mostly just because it seems to easy. It really would be great if you expanded on this because I really want to know more! As for the grammar, there were some minor errors that I'm not going to get into as I'm running low on time for the review. This was very well done and I'm eager to see what changes you decide to make!

Cheers,
Luxe :D
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
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I got attacked by a swan.
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 5:30 am
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silentpages says...



An interesting story... My thoughts going through:

"All I found was his fishing rod, with a squid still trying to escape."
If that was all he found, how did he know it was a 'Skull creeper'? Slimy skull-creeper residue? Stray spines? How does he know exactly what killed his friend? This seems like a dangerous place, so there must be more than one possibility. And how did he know his friend was at the chorus when he died? Maybe he heard the whistling from a ways off, and then went to check it out when the song died off suddenly?

Good vocabulary...

"She tripped and fell over a cliff, and my sister was no more." ... Sad to say, this made me laugh. "Whoops! I tripped! And there's a cliff conveniently right next to me!" Except, I thought she died in acid-polluted water. Was this at the bottom of the cliff she tripped over while being chased by a monster? ... This place sucks. :(

"... a discovery that might have saved lives." And then right after this, in the same paragraph, you start talking about greed-inspired wars that killed a bunch of people suckishly. You have me thinking, "Is this supposed to be the life-saving discovery? o.O" At the very least, I'd make it a new paragraph to show that it's not directly related to the discovery.

I think it's a little implausible that they'd just 'kick out' the president. Make him a high-ranking official, or give him a place of equal power as the president, sure. But I don't think they'd just blindly give the country to him, especially if this is still the US and it's a democracy...

Killer supercows <3

"Many of the man-eating omnivores escaped from the top-secret laboratory where they were bred..."
'Hey, Howard, did you remember to shut the gate so the man-eating cows don't get out?'
'... Crap.'
Also, omnivores means they eat a variety of things. So it seems like an odd word to put beside 'man-eating.'

"At first, the fire-breathing organic exterminators could be kept on a leash, but it didn’t take long for most of them to escape."
'Howard, you remembered to get the flame retardent lizard leashes, didn't you?'
'... Double crap.'

"from monsters within and an onslaught of enemy infantry without." ... Without doesn't seem like the right word to use there. Outside... I feel like there's another word I can't think of right now, but without doesn't seem right.

"he ordered numerous missiles constructed and launched..." And they DID it?
'Hey, Howard, you want to make me some missiles that'll wipe out the entire human race just because my science experiment went horribly wrong?'
'Sure, doctor. Vampire Diaries isn't on for another hour or two...'

O.O Expensive couch...

"she had never tasted anything more bitter..." How does he know this? And what was she eating before?

"... without even knowing how to catch a fang squid." HOW DOES HE KNOW THIS.

"I could never forget my her blood that is on my hands." You've got an extra 'my.'

"One word that she never lets me forget is ‘Tintahal’ - squid."
'JACOB! WHAT IS THE WORD FOR SQUID?'
'Uh.... I forget.'
'You fool!' *smacks him.*

"In small pools, they raised fang squid and other, less remarkable, fishes." I hope they keep these separate, considering one of the problems to begin with was that the fang squids preyed on the fishing industry.
'Whoops, I think I put this in the wrong pool...'
'HOWARD! >XP'

This isn't a bad start, but I think there are a few things you could work up a little more. Jacob goes from 'thinking about suicide' to 'I MUST LIVE TO PROTECT THIS GIRL I JUST MET! 8D' very quickly. He goes from being 'the last human on Earth' to being a part of a big, working society that has furnaces and guard towers and pure water (with no explanation of how they got this pure water and stuff...) Things move very quickly, but we don't know a whole lot about Jacob and the other characters just basic outlines, if that. Why was Alexander his rival? Were they fighting over a girl or a valuable garden gnome? Did Alexander want to date Jacob's sister? Why did Jacob and Illona leave his hole if he seemed to have an alright set-up there. How did she stumble onto him in the first place? Was he so close to the border that they just stumbled onto each other, or was she in his country because she was part of the invading force or something? We don't even know much about their personalities. Illona is quiet, but that's because she doesn't speak English (and even after she learns, she never actually says anything. Except apparently she thinks it's important that he knows the word squid). We don't even know if they end up together as a couple at the end or if they stay just friends...

Another problem is that Jacob seems to know a lot of stuff he has no business knowing (how exactly Carl died, the fact that Illona had never had squid and didn't know how to catch them).

Basically, this is a good start, but there's a lot that you could elaborate on. Give us more story, less summary. More show, less tell. Give us some details about the events that should sweep us up and keep us reading. Action!

Keep writing. ;)

PS. I feel sorry for Howard. And I apologize for him. This is what you get when I review things very late at night. XD
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Mon May 16, 2011 7:58 pm
Cyb3rBlade says...



I'll admit, I was making this up as I went, and that's why it's so brief.
I use the word 'empires' to imply that the warring factions each encompass about half the globe.
Okay, has anyone here ever seen a mutant supercow? I'll give you bonus points if you can give me title of a book about keeping them as pets. No? The ushi were supposed to be docile and thus incapable of escape. If you follow this chain of logic, you begin to see why the dangerous creatures might not have been kept in secure facilities. I am trying to create a nation where everyone puts absolute trust in a poor leader. The people who actually built the nukes probably were too weak-minded to realize that they might be dooming humanity to extinction. Clarkeson's corrupted lab staff would have been the people who bred the disease. By 'kept on leash' I mean, figuratively, that they could keep them under control.
The discovery that might have saved lives was the ability to edit human DNA. Everyone wanted to have access to the technology, and they were willing to fight for it. The other empire was winning the war, and everyone blamed it on the president. All it takes is a little forged evidence to get him impeached, so why not replace him with somebody who could win the war? After a while, the battle may have become about paying the enemy back for what they did instead of what it started about.
More time elapses than the text covers. At some point, Jacob would have had to have taught ILona to fish. Remember, If everyone died, any canned food left lying around would belong to whoever found it. If a few hundred thousand people survived the fallout, of whom half survived by eating what creatures they could catch, there's not a bad chance that one of them people who couldn't fish will survive.
I guess the word 'omnivorous' isn't typically put next to 'man-eating'. Basically, as cows, they'll eat grass when they have to. Think of it this way: if you had teeth as sharp as katanas, an occasional man-burger would be kinda nice, right?
I'll rewrite this as I find time. Thanks for your time! I'll try to add more detail next time.
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