Young Writers Society

This is for Azila'a challenge! My genre was science fiction and my element was that it had to be under 500 words, so that's why it's so short! Pahaha I managed to finish it in 499 words so a lot of description is missing and I'm really sorry about that >.< I promise that I will make it into a longer short story because, honestly, I fell in love with this idea! And it started out with a completely different beginning! XP
This is also dedicated to a boy named Mike. I didn't know him very well and he was a grade above me, but he died in a fire the day before Easter while helping his father out of the house. The reaction a lot of people had at my school really inspired this. I hope you guys enjoy it
------

This was it.

I sighed, peeking at the metallic object before me. The flashing lights made it look like a nerdy machine from an old science fiction movie. I sighed again and touched the hard chrome. It was cold and smooth under my palm and made my heart race.

I used to question why we were making this. I always told him it would never work, but every time, he would just brush it off and tell me I was a “kill joy”. Yet I didn't mind. I didn't care that we were doing something geeky and far-fetched. I didn't care that I couldn't understand what he was telling me half the time and that I lost countless nights of sleep for something I didn't even believe would work. I didn't care, because we were working on this together.

But now, I was all alone. This cold hunk of metal was the only thing left from him and even if it killed me, I would finish it.

For Rory.

If he couldn't finish it, then I would finish alone. I would finish and get him back. Even if it killed me, that's what I would do. I hadn't realized how much I had grown to love him. How important he was to me. I only realized when I wasn't able to keep him with me any longer. The night that fire ripped him away from me, I decided that I would finish everything we worked on. That, once I had accomplished his dream, I could forget him and breathe again. I was wrong, though, and longed to see his face. I would forget that he was gone. Needing something and saying “Hey, Rory. Pass me that wrench?” and then silently scolding myself.

But today was different. The lights flashed and as I pressed my finger against the start-up button, the machine whirred to life. It hummed, flashing, and brought excitement into this tiny basement. I let out a laugh and couldn't contain my enthusiasm. My smile finally showed, after two months, and I jumped up and down like a little girl on Christmas.

“I did it, Rory! I did it!” I laughed and felt warm tears slide down my face. I wiped them away quickly before gaining composure and taking a deep breath. Silently, I typed in the date and time on the attached keyboard before pressing “Go”. The glass inside the chrome frame lit up with a bright white light. I squinted and walked over to the machine, getting into place.

“This is it. Rory... I hope this works.”

I placed my hand onto the glass. The light had made it warm and my hand burned. Closing my eyes, I prayed that it would work. My body tingled and I waited. Minutes later, I opened my eyes, disappointed to find nothing changed.

I sighed and sat down. Unexpectedly, the door opened and a boy stepped inside the room.

“Kate?”

“.... Rory?”

Hi, Micki!

So, this was an interesting little story and it was well-written from start to finish. Your description was good and it had a nice flow, and in such a short space you were able to keep me invested in the characters and the story. I was disappointed when it was over!

Although it would be cool if this was expanded on a bit, I understand that you're on a word crunch and there isn't much room for it; perhaps if you decide you want to come back to the characters in a larger story, you could go more in to the circumstances of Rory's death and Kate's anguish.

I'm not really sure how this is science-fiction. Okay, she's building something for him; what is exactly is it? What does it do? Why is it so revolutionary? If you go into more aspects of that, it might feel more science-fiction like. Right now, this could just take place anywhere. Again, I understand that you don't have much space for expansion, but instead of just saying, "The machine did this, that, it looked like this, it's never going to work" go more into why.

I was also confused by the ending. So he's not really dead, or is it just her imagination? If it's the former, it's kind of cliche, and it would need more expansion of how he's survived/why they thought he was dead to begin with. I quite like it as an ending if it's just the latter, though, but you might want to add a line or two saying, "it was only my mind playing tricks on me" or something like that.

Overall, this was a real pleasure to read. Good luck in the contest, and PM me if you have any questions!

~ Elinor

Hi Micki! I am trying to do Azila's contest too, but I haven't written anything as good as this.

Anyway once I started to get to the meat of this I was drawn in, but a few days ago when I had less time to spare I looked at this and brushed past it because the beginning didn't really draw me in. In this day and age people will turn away from work after only a few seconds of reading. What I am trying to say is I think you should work on your start. It doesn't really have an introduction paragraph. I know you are really pressed for space, but introductions depend on the length of the piece. Novels sometimes have introductions that are just a few paragraphs so the introduction could be a sentence or two for this.I have been sucked into a novel from the first sentence and it would be great for you to do the same here.

One of my biggest problems is that this story has all the plot points, but it doesn't wrap up. It doesn't answer my questions. I am left to wonder a lot of things. I am not sure of anything. Again, it is hard with the shortness of it, but I really think you could seek in a few more details. Here are some of the questions I have: Where they building this in secret? What exactly are they trying to build? I have an idea that it is something where you can see the dead, but I am not sure. How did Rory die?

I also think you might be able to fit a little more description of the machine and the people in. Because a lot of my questions are about what things look like. I suppose you would have to take out other things though. I don't know how this would work.

The main problem I saw was that yes he turned the machine on and he was really exited. But then he went inside it and he hoped it would work for the next step. I think, that once he finally got it working for sure wouldn't he already know that it would at least start to run. Because the final step seems like it would give him the most trouble. Do you know what I mean?

If you have any questions P.M. me.

I hope I helped,

A. S.

Hey, Micki-More.

I agree with Caligraphy, who reviewed before me, work on your hook. The first sentence needs to pull people in, make them want more, leave them wondering who or what is wrong or good. If you don't have a good hook, people wont start reading. If (and when ) a potential agent/publisher starts to read your story, and there's not a good hook, it's a huge turn off. They will use it as an excuse to turn down your book.

Other than that, it was pretty good. Ily.

Interesting.

"peaking at the metallic object" -- Peeking.

"nerdy machine from an old science fiction movie" I'm picturing a machine with nerdy glasses and suspenders being given a wedgie... I think you can just say 'a machine from an old science fiction movie' and we'll get the nerdiness factor.

... So is the main character a girl? I did not get that at first... :/

"Yet I didn't mind. I didn't care that we were doing something geeky and far-fetched." She must mind a little if she asks him why they're doing it and tells him it won't work...

How is she going to finish it if she couldn't even understand what he was telling her?

"and breath again" -- Breathe.

Some issues with tenses in places...

I'm a little confused about the ending. Is this nerdy thing they were building a time machine? And did she go back to a time when Rory was still alive? Because then there are going to be two of her walking around, and that's gonna be a mess...

This is a good start, but I think it could be improved upon a little bit. Your narrative is a little jumpy in places... And basically, I think things could be a little smoother. Also, I'm a little confused about certain things like why they started building this machine, and why he picked her to help him if she's not very science-minded, and how this ending is going to work out... But considering you only had 500 words to write this in, I think you have a really good start here.

Oh my gosh this was amazing! For whatever reason, I fell in love with this piece! First of all, I love that it was dedicated to someone that died. That just brought tears to my eyes.

And the ending? The ending was perfect! It really was! Well, I have nothing more to say, other than: Amazing job!

Hey there! I'm here to review! ^___^

I'm not going to say I love it because I don't really understand it. It's something, a bit of machinery that she made for Rory. Is it a time machine? A machine that brings dead people back to life? Who is Rory and what kind of relationship do they have? I know that you have a word limit of 500 and I must stay, that is a terribly short word limit for you to stuff in so much information of but! I still think you should have reworded this a little bit so we can get some information from it and understand where it's going a little more.

As for grammar and punctuation, you did quite well. I didn't have much of a problem with it. As for characterization, it's too short to even tell so I can't even go into that much either. Wow, it's really hard to review short pieces of works and especially when they have word limits! lol

However, with the word limit that you had, you were able to space things out quite well and I'll give you ten points for that.
Good job. ^.^

Sorry if this review isn't much help but yeah...
Keep writing and let me know if you have any questions!

-Pink

Hey, Micki! I'm here for a review(: Anything to help my poweranger team mate.
Nitpicks:

Yet I didn't mind

Comma after yet.

This cold hunk of metal was the only thing left from him and even if it killed me, I would finish it.

From him sounds strange. Sometimes people say it’s the only thing left of his or that reminds me of him? Something like that would make it sound better. I know you were going for 500 words, this might add one or two words but it should be okay if you reword it right.

Even if it killed me, that's what I would do.

You already said even if it killed me. I think that it’s repetitive since we already know your MC is willing to die figuratively to finish this.

Overall:
Well then, what a cliff hanger. But that’s to be expected from a story like this that has so much that you have to explain in a short space. I liked Kate, though. I was worried about this being so short. I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to express the character as much as needed. But since you only had one MC to deal with and her feelings to tell you did a great job on that. I love how she kept talking to Rory even after she scolded herself the first couple of times. It showed that she cared a lot with out you saying it more than once. There were a few tiny grammar things that I saw but other than that this was really good. I hope Azila enjoyed this too.

~peanut~

One thing I don't understand is how Kate could build the time machine. At the beginning, she seemed clueless:

I didn't care that I couldn't understand what he was telling me half the time and that I lost countless nights of sleep for something I didn't even believe would work.

But then, after Rory died, she seemed to understand how to build it perfectly:

Needing something and saying “Hey, Rory. Pass me that wrench?” and then silently scolding myself.

What changed?

In addition, how did Kate know it would work? She didn't test it yet, but she knew it would work. Why?

For how short the story was, it was good and easy enough to understand. There were no spelling or grammar mistakes.

The only other problem is the overall plot. All the story seemed to be was Kate saying she was going to build the machine because Rory died. The only action was when Kate went back in time, but it was cut short because you were at the word limit. The plot seems too big to fit into five hundred words. Yes, you can't make it bigger, but you may want to cut out a little of the time Kate is just thinking and write what happens after Kate sees Rory again.

Other than that, the story was very good.

D'aww. So sweet.

Story-wise, this felt a little... melodramatic. Don't get me wrong, she has every right to be upset and depressed and dedicated to this cause for Rory, but in such a short story, with so little story-telling space, it seems like that is all we're hearing about. I want to know more about what she's doing, what she's building. Go ahead and put in there that it was a time-machine. Maybe have it be the last sentence? "They told us that it was impossible to travel through time. I'd just proven them wrong." Something. We shouldn't have to see the spoiler to understand how the story ended. Focus the story a little more, let it linger on a single scene instead of having a thoughtful flashback. You've got so little space, you have to squeeze every drop out of every word that you can. Don't worry about description of the machine in the beginning, just jump right into the rest of the story. Get right to the emotional impact, the work, the sweat, the payoff.

Another thing that I think was making this story feel weaker than it is was the grammatic structure. So many of the sentences are something like "I did this" or "I walked here". Many of them began with "I" and after the entire story, it became dull and monotonous. Instead of "I liked it", try "It fascinated me". Instead of "I only realized when I wasn't able to keep him with me any longer", try "He had been taken away before I realized that". It adds variety and makes the story much easier on the eyes and brain and so it flows much better.

Good luck in the contest!

~GryphonFledgling

Dude, the story's awesome, and it's really short. but the question is how did Rory died? the protagonist at the end of the story saw a boy and she thought it was him. The way i picture it, the boy wasn't Rory. she just out of desperation thought it was him. but if it really was him, where the hell was he all these time?.....anyway, a really Good story. I loved it.

Hi Micki!

Wow, I really liked this! I think for a story so short the concept is beautiful and you played it out well. I can't wait for when you decide to write it to its full length, because you build up such a good storyline here. But I believe you managed to give us all of the important parts- how Rory died, his name, and a story that actually makes sense. I also love the idea of her bringing back her love.
(I wish you'd gotten a different element ;P)

Good luck in the contest!

-A

Hello, fellow LoganLermanfangirl! ^_^ Here for a review.

All right, so this was a good piece; I enjoyed it a lot, and you did well with it considering your word limit. I think it could have used a little more emphasis on the end; it seemed that a lot of people didn't quite understand that she was building a time machine so she could go back and see him. So maybe you could have talked a little more about the way she anxiously wondered whether it would work, and perhaps even have mentioned the repercussions of time travel -- what would be different? What would change, etc.?

I also think it could have used some more description regarding the characters' relationship; I didn't really have a good idea of who Rory was to the MC, and that would have been nice, to have more of an idea as to why she's going through with this difficult building project so she can go back and see him. Characterization is key, especially in short pieces, because if the reader doesn't feel very connected to the people in the story, then the plot and everything else is just going to fall flat and lose any sort of draw or shine. I understand how difficult it can be to portray all this when there's a tight word limit, but I know you could have done it! Less details on the machine, perhaps, and more on the characters' pasts and such...

Anyway, that's all I've got to say. Thanks again for entering, and keep on writing! Cheers. =)