Young Writers Society

lo all this is for Aizilas contest. topic79724.html
I got Urban and it has to have blue in it. I hope you think this is creative. Any critisim is wanted.


~Sons of Mars~
“Oh my god. “
She turned around to look at the man standing behind her. “Is that blue paint on his chest?”
“I laugh young Myria. No, he had blue blood.”
“You mean like what they say royals have?”
She stepped closer, staring down at the dead man that was lying on a small sofa.
That dead man was me.
I came back to tell you my entire story, to bring vengeance to the ones who killed me.

I was a royal kid. Nobody except me and my parents knew, for I was supposed to be hidden from view for my entire life. Because there were people after me. The ones they call the Excpindicts. And being a royal was dangerous. So my real parents, the King and Queen of Shamain, sent me to live with regular people. Mike and June Colman. They lived in the middle of New York City, in a big flat. But in a place like New york, New york it’s hard to keep any secrets.

When I was eighteen I moved out. I was bored of New York. I wanted to see the world. I moved into a house on the beach and spent my days surfing and flirting. I was what they call a player. Till I met her.

Her name is Myria Glint, and we fell in love. After two weeks of flirting and being coy, I finally asked her out on a date. A whirlwind relationship is exactly what we had. Four days of late nights, and we were ready to get married. As a surprise, I booked a plane to Vegas. When we arrived, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. That night we eloped. Or almost did…..

I waited for three hours. She never came and never came and never came. I would have waited longer, but the place where we planned to elope closed at midnight. I wondered through the streets till I got back to our hotel room. Her clothes were gone, her perfume, shampoo and hairdryer disappeared from the bathroom. No note, no nothing. That night, I went down to the casino on the fourth floor. There was a knife thrower, and for two dollars you could have five knives thrown at you. If he missed you, you got 5,000 dollars. I stood in front of the target, and the greasy man picked up a knife. As I looked over the crowd that had gathered, I saw Myria’s face. She was watching me. I moved to call out to her. Then I felt pain. Pain.

I had blue blood because I was actually the son of people from Mars. Go figure. Myria and the knife thrower were members of Excpindicts. And they had orders to kill me.

Beware those who meet girls named Myria. You may be another son from Mars.

Hi
I found this story interesting. You have some pretty good ideas. I wish you best of luck for the contest. The story started off pretty well, but when it ended, it left me unsatisfied. If the guy is a son of people from Mars and he's a royal, then there should be some adventure in the story, right? Some action or fantasy?

The conspiracy to kill him doesn't seem sinister enough. The guy's the one doing everything, he chose to move out of New York, he asked Myria out on a date, he booked tickets to Vegas, he asked her to marry him and he chose to play the knife throwing game. So if all this was his plan, how did Myria and the knifethrower orchestrate his assassination? Additionally, who is telling the story to whom in the starting? That was unclear. Is it the son of Mars? Has he come back from the dead? Is he telling Myria the story? Isn't she really scared? How did his body end up on a sofa?

There was a knife thrower, and for two dollars you could have five knives thrown at you. If he missed you, you got 5,000 dollars.

Does such a game actually exist? Why would someone pay two dollars to a stranger to throw knives at them? Especially when the only way the stranger would win is if he didn't miss, if he hit you? This game sounds unreal, the kind of stuff that should be illegal. If there really is such a game, then please ignore this suggestion.

Beware those who meet girls named Myria. You may be another son from Mars.

I particularly liked this line. A very good way to end the story.

Priyansha

I really liked the idea of the story, it was interesting. It actually kind of reminded me of the movie "I am Number Four", which is about a guy from a different planet who is on earth trying to hide from the people from his planet who are trying to kill him. It was a really good movie. Anyways, the idea was really good, but I found the way you told it to be kind of confusing. At the beginning this line really threw me off:

“I laugh young Myria. No, he had blue blood.”

It wasn't until you explained that you had died and were re-telling your story that I understood.
The next part of the story was good and clear. It kept me interested. You could have added a bit more I thought, but it is a short story afterall.

Then this part I didn't understand at all:

That night, I went down to the casino on the fourth floor. There was a knife thrower, and for two dollars you could have five knives thrown at you. If he missed you, you got 5,000 dollars. I stood in front of the target, and the greasy man picked up a knife. As I looked over the crowd that had gathered, I saw Myria’s face. She was watching me. I moved to call out to her. Then I felt pain. Pain.

I had blue blood because I was actually the son of people from Mars. Go figure. Myria and the knife thrower were members of Excpindicts. And they had orders to kill me.

If he is hiding and trying to stay alive, then why would he willingly allow someone to throw knives at him? Also, why would they have a game like that at all? It just doesn't seem realistic to me. I was also expecting a more elaborate and planned death for him. He seemed to basically kill himself. I think the story was going great until the ending. If you change his death, I think that this could be a really good story. I overall did enjoy it
(Hope I wasn't too harsh)

Hi there DramaLlama! I really liked this story quite a lot. The imagery was good, the character building was superb, and I really love that last line! This story kind of reminds me a bit of the Superman story, although I find it a bit more intriguing Now, into the specifics...

I was a royal kid. Nobody except me and my parents knew, for I was supposed to be hidden from view for my entire life. Because there were people after me. The ones they call the Excpindicts. And being a royal was dangerous. So my real parents, the King and Queen of Shamain, sent me to live with regular people.

I didn't quite understand what the whole deal was with royals. Why are people after them? Just who are there? What is Shamain? He's from Mars? The planet or a person? Just a whole lot of questions that I couldn't really answer for myself with the information given. I think the length is good, if you want it this long, but I would try and find some subtle ways to work a little explanation in just to avoid all these crazy questions. You know?

I would have waited longer, but the place where we planned to elope closed at midnight.

Aww, that's so sad! :'( That's a really powerful and poetic line. Like even the world will stop waiting for Myria before he will. *sniff* that's so beautiful! makes me want to cry.

There was a knife thrower, and for two dollars you could have five knives thrown at you. If he missed you, you got 5,000 dollars.

This does sound like an illegal game^^haha, no offense. But seriously, what do you mean by 'if he missed you'? So he has to hit you with five knives? O.o just a little confused.

Anyway, I think that overall this is a good, emotional, and intriguing story you've written here. I would just take a look over at the stuff I offered, see if you can make it even better!
- SOCKS

I really liked it. You captured the readers attention because they don't know whats going on in the beginning. On that note, the beginning confused me a bit but you made yourself very clear by the end. The knife thrower part threw me off a bit though. I mean, come on. If he missed, you could die. Also, with the whole people from mars thing, I didn't really understand that. Why would there be people from mars? Wouldn't they be, like, aliens or something? It just kind of confused me. I really liked it though, and think you should add to the story. Keep writing!

-Titan

"“Oh my god. “

She turned around to look at the man standing behind her. “Is that blue paint on his chest?”

“I laugh young Myria. No, he had blue blood.” "
I think you need a comma after 'laugh', for sure, and I'm not sure about after oh...

"I came back to tell you my entire story, to bring vengeance to the ones who killed me." I thought that this was a little odd, having the whole interaction between the two characters and then having him out of the blue turn around and start talking to us, the readers.

"I was a royal kid. Nobody except me and my parents knew, for I was supposed to be hidden from view for my entire life. Because there were people after me." I think that the 'Because there were people after me' should be a part of the sentence before it, not just hanging there on its own. 'I was a royal kid' doesn't sound exactly right either, but that's probably just a preference thing... It might just be because the word 'kid' seems odd in comparison to the mostly formal language they've been using up until now.

" Excpindicts" This name is a bit strange. I mean, it's a name, so you're probably good either way. But I feel like that 'c' is a little much, and it makes it look really hard to pronounce... It's something the reader might falter over, which may pull them out of the story.

"But in a place like New york, New york it’s hard to keep any secrets." This line makes me think that his downfall (the thing that leads to him being killed) is going to happen in New York. But then he just moves out because he got bored, so the line about secrets being hard to keep in New York becomes pointless. It almost feels like you're trying to hard to come up with a hum-dinger of a line, even if it doesn't exactly fit with the story itself.

"I wondered through the streets till I got back to our hotel room" Wandered. Until.

"There was a knife thrower, and for two dollars you could have five knives thrown at you. If he missed you, you got 5,000 dollars." What? o.O So basically, you give him two dollars, and you either get 5,000 dollars or you get impaled by a knife. I'm not sure how well this particular business plan was thought out. Either the knife thrower has to give away a ton of money, or he has to impale people and get sued/arrested... I don't know. Seems very... I don't think it works.

Why does he want to play this game in the first place? Because he wants money?

"I had blue blood because I was actually the son of people from Mars. Go figure. Myria and the knife thrower were members of Excpindicts. And they had orders to kill me. Beware those who meet girls named Myria. You may be another son from Mars."
I gotta confess, I actually wasn't impressed by these last few lines. You just kind of explain what just happened rather than letting us infer it on our own (like somebody explaining a joke before we even have a chance to laugh). And I don't think every girl named Myria is going to be an Excpindict, and it's not going to mean that I'm a son of Mars (mostly because I'm a girl).
I don't know... I just wasn't particularly fond of this ending.

Your characters were a little weak... We don't even have much information on the main character, aside from him calling himself a player. We get like three lines about Myria, no dialogue between the two of them at all...

Looking back at the beginning... Why did Myria say 'Oh my god' if she knew he was going to die? And wouldn't she know that he would have blue blood? Aren't the Excpindicts from Mars, too?

I feel like I'm missing a lot of information here. Who are the Excpindicts, and why do they want to kill this royal and his family? Why is it dangerous to be a royal, and why did they choose Earth to hide on? Basically, I feel like there are gaps in this story... *shrug*

This has a lot of potential, I think, but it could use some work, some elaboration on a couple of things... Some more character development.

Keep writing.

EDIT: Also, it just occurred to me. How are the average citizens reacting to this murder that happened right in front of them? And, we're in some big cities here. New York, Vegas... Give us sights, sounds, smells! Make us feel the setting.

“Oh my god. “

The space between the period and the quotation mark needs to be deleted.

“I laugh young Myria.

There should be a comma after laugh.

But in a place like New york, New york it’s hard to keep any secrets.

York should be capitalized.

When I was eighteen I moved out.

There should be a comma after eighteen.

Or almost did…..

An ellipsis only has three periods.

Her clothes were gone, her perfume, shampoo and hairdryer disappeared from the bathroom.

There should be a comma after shampoo.

If he missed you, you got 5,000 dollars.

Did you mean if he hit him?


Parts of the story are hard to understand:

I came back to tell you my entire story, to bring vengeance to the ones who killed me.

Who is he talking to? Also, if he told the story to bring vengeance, why doesn't he say anything about vengeance again at the end?

But in a place like New york, New york it’s hard to keep any secrets.

How did he tell his secret?

Does he know he is a son of Mars before he is killed? How could a casino have a game where people could get killed? How did the Excpindicts find out where he was?


For most of the story, you told what happened instead of showing. To read more about this, go to: post482410.html?hilit=showing%20vs%20telling#p482410

You may also want more description so the story has less of an and then... quality to it.

Overall, the story is good and interesting. It would be interesting to see it in an expanded form.

Well, here I go.

Okay, so...it wasn't half-bad. But it was a tad disappointing for me, since it's more of a idea than a real story. And even though it was an interesting idea, it wasn't well explained.

“I laugh young Myria. No, he had blue blood.”

Okay...a piece of awkward dialogue, at least for me. A bit too archaic, especially if this is the modern era. (Which it seems to be.) Instead of that, why don't you try making the person chuckle and explain to her after that that he had blue blood?

That dead man was me.

I came back to tell you my entire story, to bring vengeance to the ones who killed me.

Instead of the first line, a subtle hint would've been better, because it's a tad too obvious. And where is he narrating from? Just wondering. Also, what do you mean by "I came back"? Details, Drama, details.

You're also telling a lot of things rather than showing. For example, in the next paragraph:

I was a royal kid. Nobody except me and my parents knew, for I was supposed to be hidden from view for my entire life. Because there were people after me. The ones they call the Excpindicts. And being a royal was dangerous. So my real parents, the King and Queen of Shamain, sent me to live with regular people. Mike and June Colman. They lived in the middle of New York City, in a big flat. But in a place like New york, New york it’s hard to keep any secrets.

Not a lot of showing there at all - your narrator is simply telling us what is going on. I'd suggest lengthening out the whole thing into several revelation scenes, as in, perhaps a flashback to his past, an encounter with the group, and maybe a scene with Mike and June, which also brings me to another point - don't mention characters unless you plan to use them, or they'll just be dead weights on the story. And...a bit of punctuation error, 'New York', Drama. Not "New york".

As for the rest of the story, well, my usual criticisms apply. Especially the showing/telling part. I also noticed the lack of dialogue - you'd do better to insert more dialogue into the story than just at the beginning. Don't take this the wrong way - I liked the idea, but I think you could've done a lot better with it. And...that's that.

Robyn.

Hi there, PointetoLlama. ;} I come from The Contest.

This review is mainly to let you know what aspects of the story Ranger and I discussed while judging, so I'm not reading any of the other reviews since we didn't read them. My apologies if I repeat anything!

Okay. Firstly, this is a really, really cool idea for a story. Verily, it's brilliant. I love the whole idea of the Sons of Mars living undercover amid normal people, not knowing that there are conspiracies out to kill them. It's really intriguing and original. I liked the tragic irony of him moving to greet her just as the sword is thrown, and thus dieing. I also love the last line of this--its meaning is a little confusing (I'll get to that in a bit) but the tone of it is excellent.

My biggest issue with this piece, however, is the tone of the rest of it. It's all telling! It feels like it's all just giving us the necessary information we'd need in order to understand whatever happens next... except that's all there is; you don't write what comes next. It's not the subject that feels like a summary, though, it's just the tone. It's a skeleton of what it should be, because it's just the facts with out anything extra. But it's the extra stuff (the smells, the sights, the tiny details of people's reactions and interactions) that makes a story come alive, in my opinion, anyway. That kind of attention to detail is what will make this feel like a real, full-fledged story, rather than just a bunch of facts.

Like I say, the tone was the big detractor for us when we were judging--but there are also some issues with the actual plot, methinks; it's just a bit confusing. First off:

“Oh my god. “

She turned around to look at the man standing behind her. “Is that blue paint on his chest?”

I didn't understand this until I'd read it a few times. >.< Of course, this could just be me, but something about the phrasing of this made me think that the person that she was turning around to look at was the one with blue on his chest, and I wasn't sure who said "Oh my god," though I thought it might be the blue man she was turning to look at. (Confused yet? 0.o) I think this could be helped if you fleshed out the opening a little, and added some more descriptions of who's doing what to whom and where.

Generally, though, there are a few confusions that I'd love to see you clear up. For one thing, why did he go to the sword-thrower at all? He's waiting to get married, but the bride disappears... so he decides to go dodge swords and hopefully get a bunch of money? I don't really understand how the one caused the other. This could be helped by showing some of his emotions, I think--showing how he reacts to finding her gone, for example.

Another confusion, though, is about the whole Sons of Mars thing. He knew he was a royal, but he didn't know he was a Son of Mars, right? But did Myra and the other Excpindicts know that he was a Son of Mars? It seems like they did, except that in the conversation in the beginning Myra seems genuinely surprised that his blood is blue. And blue blood means he's a Son of Mars... right?

Contest-wise, I love the way you incorporated the "blue" element. Really inventive. It's not really what I'd call Urban, but that's just because you didn't flesh it out enough. The only way I knew it took place in cities was that you told me that it did. But, really, for all intents and purposes it might as well have happened in rural Nebraska and things wouldn't be that different.

All in all, I think you've got something really interesting brewing here, and with a bit of refinement you could have a fascinating story. I hope this review doesn't come off as overly harsh--I really do think this idea has a lot of potential. I'd love to see you edit it up, flesh it out, and work out some kinks.

PM me or write on my wall with any questions/comments at all! Thanks for entering the contest. :]

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