Young Writers Society

As Adam rode the derelict HSTS, the walls were covered in graffiti and there was carbon scoring over in the corner where a bomb had failed to fully detonate, wind whistled through the shattered remains of a window. The civil unrest was at a fever pitch, nightly riots, people going missing, but still the work continued. Forced labor now ran the empire.

As he arrived at the main office of the mine, it was mostly untouched, maybe because the mine was good to its employees, maybe because of the automated turrets that sat on the roof. Adam strolled inside, more than an hour early, thanks to the new HSTS schedule, as he walked past some of the spare rooms, he heard whimpering, and what sounded like weak cries for help. He followed the noise down a flight of access stairs that led into the gloom.

Ba’kell sat in the dark, alone and afraid, the air burned his lungs without his mask, but it was just out of his reach, he stretched to reach it with his foot, but it was still, painfully out of his reach. A noise on the stairwell, he spun his head just as another of the humans bounded down the stairs. He called out to him with his last few breaths.

In the gloom of the spare room, Adam saw a figure slumped over, just as he began to think it was dead, it called to him in a raspy voice.

“Please… My masks… pass me… my mask” The creature gasped

Adam saw the mask lying where it fell, hi picked it up, and immediately recognized the material; it was the same as the metal that was found 4 kilometers under the surface of the Earth. He passed the mask to the Celestin, the Celestin snapped the mask into the place with a hiss as it pressurized. “Thank you” the Celestin said in a deeper voice “the nitrogen in your atmosphere is toxic to us; another 5 minutes and I would not have survived, I am in your dept”

“Come on; let’s get out of here” Adam told the Celestin.

“I am happy to leave this accursed place” He said

As Adam and the lone Celestin rode the HSTS, Adam learned that his name was Ba’kell. Ba’kell began telling Adam about why the Celestials had come to Earth, “Our home, our planet, it was wonderful for so long, it supported our ancestors, but we killed our planet with our greed, so we spread to the stars, first sending probes that would find planets to terraform, then a ship to form a colony. We never expected to find life here, but the probe beacon drew us here.”

“When where the probe sent?” Adam inquired

“Over 65 million years ago” Ba'kell stated plainly

“Would it still be able to terraform?” Adam asked excitedly

“I don’t know, I think it sensed that conditions were already perfect when it landed, so it should still be functional. Why?” Ba’kell questioned

“Because I think I know where the pod is!” Adam exclaimed

Adam and Ba’kell descended into the mines. The same place that was a symbol of oppression and fear was now a place of hope. He hurriedly grabbed his precious sheet of metal and showed it to Ba’kell. “Yes, this is part of the outer shell, where was it found?”

“Down this way” Adam explained “the workers found it down this tunnel”

They scoped up two digging tools and ran down the tunnel into the darkness. Once at the site, they began to dig. They dug for hours, slowly uncovering what looked like a dull ellipse shaped object, strong enough that they could not scratch it with their tools. Once, a small caving almost buried him, but he didn’t care, it was all too exiting, too overwhelming.

After the pod was mostly uncovered, Ba'kell said “touch it, it needs proof of the environment”

Adam slowly leaned down and gingerly placed his palm onto the smooth grey surface. It was warm to the touch and his hand left a mark on the surface. Slowly, the metal where his hand had laid began to change; it began to melt as a stream of gold streamed out of the pod.

“nanobots” Ba'kell said. “They will gather the waste and start new life; the inhabitants of the planet will wake to a new world, hopefully a better one”

They both watched as the gold stream found its way to the surface in cracks in the rocks and through the ventilation shafts. Adam hoped that the future would be brighter, free of conflict, even if they weren’t totally free of hate and conflict, maybe the two species could work together for the better. That is what he hoped.

Hello! In all, I think this piece has a lot of potential. It's pretty good right now, but it could use some editing. Also, I think you should go into more detail about the conflict. Because this is a story of hope for the future, it would be much better if you knew exactly what the future was free of.

I noticed that you used a lot of commas, some unnecessary and some where periods should be. You also didn't always connect one part of the sentence to the next very well (like, one comma phrase to the next comma phrase).

I'm going to do a bit of editing now. My edits are in red, my comments are in blue. These are just my suggestions, and you don't have to use them. Oh, and the weird commas with the lines over them were supposed to be strikethroughs. That means I don't think you need a comma there.

As Adam rode the derelict HSTS[What's this? Don't use an acronym], he noticed the walls were covered in graffiti and there was carbon scoring over in the corner where a bomb had failed to fully detonate. Wind whistled through the shattered remains of a window. The civil unrest was at a fever pitch [I don't quite get what you mean by this]: there were nightly riots and people going missing, but still the work continued[you should go into more detail about the work]. Forced labor now ran the empire.

As[don't use 'as' twice for paragraph starters. Besides, you don't need it here.] He arrived at the main office of the mine. It was mostly untouched, maybe because the mine was good to its employees, or maybe because of the automated turretswhat? that sat on the roof. Adam strolled inside, more than an hour early, thanks to the new HSTS schedule and as he walked past some of the spare rooms, he heard whimpering , and what sounded like weak cries for help. He followed the noise down a flight of access stairs that led into the gloom. So what is the main office for? Why is he here?

Ba’kell sat in the dark, alone and afraid. The air burned his lungs without his mask, but it was just out of his reach. He stretched to reach it with his foot, but it was still, painfully out of his reach. He heard a noise on the stairwell , he and spun his head just as another of the humans bounded down the stairs. He called out to him with his last few breaths.

In the gloom of the spare room, Adam saw a figure slumped over. Just as he began to think it was dead, it called to him in a raspy voice.

“Please… My masks… pass me… my mask” The creature gasped.

Adam saw the mask lying where it fell and he picked it up. He and immediately recognized the material; it was the same as the metal that was found 4 kilometers under the surface of the Earth. He passed the mask to the Celestin, the Celestin snapped the mask into the place with a hiss as it pressurized. [What's a Celestin?]“Thank you” the Celestin said in a deeper voice “the nitrogen in your atmosphere is toxic to us; another 5 minutes and I would not have survived. I am in your debt”

“Come on; let’s get out of here” Adam told the Celestin. Why are they there?

“I am happy to leave this accursed place” He said

As Adam and the lone Celestin rode the HSTS, Adam learned that his name was Ba’kell. Ba’kell began telling Adam about why the Celestials had come to Earth, “Our home, our planet, it was wonderful for so long, it supported our ancestors, but we killed our planet with our greed, so we spread to the stars, first sending probes that would find planets to terraform, then a ship to form a colony. We never expected to find life here, but the probe beacon drew us here.” Okay, so why is he the only one there?

“When where the probes sent?” Adam inquired.

“Over 65 million years ago” Ba'kell stated plainly.

“Would it still be able to terraform?” Adam asked excitedly.[Believe it or not, 'asked' and 'said' are good words. This is a good article.

“I don’t know, I think it sensed that conditions were already perfect when it landed, so it should still be functional. Why?” Ba’kell questioned

“Because I think I know where the pod is!”Are we talking about the probe? Why does he want to find the probe? Does he think it will help? Why? Adam exclaimed

Adam and Ba’kell descended into the mines. The same place that was a symbol of oppression and fear was now a place of hope. He hurriedly grabbed his precious sheet of metal and showed it to Ba’kell. “Yes, this is part of the outer shell, where was it found?”

“Down this way” Adam explained “the workers found it down this tunnel” Periods are your friends! Use them to end sentences!

They scoped up two digging tools and ran down the tunnel into the darkness. Once at the site, they began to dig. They dug for hours, slowly uncovering what looked like a dull ellipse shaped object, strong enough that they could not scratch it with their tools. Once, a small caving almost buried him, but he didn’t care, it was all too exiting, too overwhelming.

After the pod was mostly uncovered, Ba'kell said “touch it, it needs proof of the environment” Why?

Adam slowly leaned down and gingerly placed his palm onto the smooth grey surface. It was warm to the touch and his hand left a mark on the surface. Slowly, the metal where his hand had laid began to change; it began to melt as a stream of gold streamed out of the pod.

“nanobots” Ba'kell said. “They will gather the waste and start new life; the inhabitants of the planet will wake to a new world, hopefully a better one” HOW? Also, why? What's so bad about their life? And this is the probe?

They both watched as the gold stream found its way to the surface in cracks in the rocks and through the ventilation shafts. Adam hoped that the future would be brighter, free of conflict, even if they weren’t totally free of hate and conflict, maybe the two species could work together for the better. That is what he hoped.And did it happen? You should continue this story.

So, in all I think you have a good basis for a story here. There are a lot of things you didn't go into much detail about, but I think that once you do it will be much better. There were a few other grammatical things I didn't change because there were just so many mistakes. But that's okay, everyone makes mistakes and that's what editing is for. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

Thanks for the great reviw, and as this is the last part of a three part story, some of the plot and other parts of the story (like the HTST) are explained... But I really appreciate the edit, it is really helpful as I was writing this on a deadline for school. Im sorry for the lack of said, I really should use it more offen, but I had a techer that pounded it into my head to never use it, im trying to come out of the habit.

Oh, okay I didn't know there were more parts. I'm sure this would make much more sense if I had read the other parts

Also, same for me. I really don't get why teachers try to pound that said-thing into our heads. Maybe so we can use other synonyms for other words.

Cool! I read you're first one too...you might want to work on some grammar and things like that, but I love the story over all. You could go far with your writing! You have a great mind!