Young Writers Society

“Don’t make us blow the door open, Don. Come out with your hands up, and return Time to us. We know you have it. This building is surrounded, you have no chance. Return it now and we will let you live.”
Grimly, Don looks at the door, and then looks at the water bottle in his hand. Inside was a golden gas, hissing and spitting while attempting to escape. It’s so beautiful, yet so powerful. Do I have to destroy Time? I know by exterminating it, the world will be frozen, and therefor saved from destruction. But, is it really worth it. Another bang on the door snaps Don back to reality. Darned iron door won’t hold long. I know they have tnt and they’ll be using it soon.
Don walks to the window, and looks down upon the numerous police cars. I could jump, and it would be all over for me. Don looks at the water bottle again, and then looks at the suitcase his boss had left in the corner of the room. After a quick prayer to any and every god, Don walks over to the suitcase.

Robert stares at the unbudging iron door, knowing there was a criminal behind. Starting out as a local carpenter, nobody knew that Don was going to end Time. Good thing I tailed that dirtbag, though Robert. Eyeing his SWAT team, he knew they were looking at him for directions.
“All right, time to go in. Set-up the bomb, give him a warning, and set it off if he doesn’t come out. You go that? Now hustle! We can’t wait for him to destroy Time!” His best men came and set the bomb, and retreated out of the building, just as planned.
“Don, we have set the bomb, and we’re not afraid to use it! Now come on out before I have to blow your sorry butt to pieces!” He counted thirty alligators, and pushed a button on the bomb. With a ‘click!’ the timer started to count down from thirty seconds, and Robert flew down the stairs.

“Don, we have set the bomb, and we’re not afraid to use it! Now come on out before I have to blow your sorry butt to pieces!” Dang it. Couldn’t stall much longer. Well here goes nothing. Don retreated to the corner of the room, and opened the suitcase. Inside was the bomb he was to use on Time. Of course, the bomb wasn’t any ordinary bomb. It was specially designed to destroy by ripping molecules apart, and actually destroying matter. His plan was to take as many people out with him as possible. He was going to wait until he could see the first police, before detonating it. Then, the door was blown across the room with a magnificent force, and Don readied his button, his palm sweaty.

A floor underneath the room, Robert head the bomb go off. “GO GO GO” he could hear everyone telling each other to just run. Taking the lead, Robert ran up the stairs and readied his gun. The smoke was terrific, but his light on his gun guides him along the room. His light shines on a figure, and Robert could see his face. It was smiling, a smile of triumph. Too late, Robert noticed his plan.
“*****! Get out! He’s armed!” His voice echoed, and then the next thing they heard was the click of a button. Light brighter than the sun was released from the open suitcase, engulfing the room at light speed, and taking Time with it. Robert ran from the light, chasing his comrades with amazing speed. He knew the distance the bomb could go was very limited, and he only needed a few more feet. The light, now slowing down from the consumption of particles was still gaining on Robert. His only chance was a mad jump into the arms of a comrade. NOW OR NEVER! He jumped, and as Time was finally destroyed, so was Robert.

Sorry, it seems some parts didn't italicize well, but their thoughts were meant to be so.

Hey, Ninja, here's a tip on how to italicize things here on the site: use the BBcode 'on' and 'off' switches. The 'on' switch is [ i ] without the spaces. The 'off' switch is [ / i ]. be sure to put the 'on' switch before the thing you want to italicize, and be sure to put [ / i ] right afterwards.
It will look like this:

[ i ] Happy! [ / i ]
Happy!

Glad I could help!

This building is surrounded, you have no chance.

The comma after surrounded needs to be either a period or a semicolon.

I know by exterminating it, the world will be frozen, and therefor saved from destruction.

This sentence needs to be explained more. Why does the planet need to be saved from destruction, and why will making it frozen save it?

But, is it really worth it.

The period after it should be a question mark.

I know they have tnt and they’ll be using it soon.

TNT is capitalized.

Starting out as a local carpenter, nobody knew that Don was going to end Time.

Instead of saying this in a sentence, you may want to add to the beginning so the reader can learn a little more about why Don wanted to end time and what type of person he is.

Eyeing his SWAT team, he knew they were looking at him for directions.

Eyeing is spelled eying.

Set-up the bomb, give him a warning, and set it off if he doesn’t come out.

Set-up doesn't need the dash. It should be spelled set up.

“Don, we have set the bomb, and we’re not afraid to use it! Now come on out before I have to blow your sorry butt to pieces!” He counted thirty alligators, and pushed a button on the bomb. With a ‘click!’ the timer started to count down from thirty seconds, and Robert flew down the stairs.

“Don, we have set the bomb, and we’re not afraid to use it! Now come on out before I have to blow your sorry butt to pieces!”

Why is Robert repeating himself here?

Don retreated to the corner of the room, and opened the suitcase. Inside was the bomb he was to use on Time. Of course, the bomb wasn’t any ordinary bomb. It was specially designed to destroy by ripping molecules apart, and actually destroying matter.

This is called an info-dump. You stopped the story to explain what the bomb did. They are usually boring for readers to read and doesn't help the story progress. To avoid this, try to spread the information throughout the story instead of in one paragraph.

It was specially designed to destroy by ripping molecules apart, and actually destroying matter.

Destroying should be destroyed.

His plan was to take as many people out with him as possible.

Why? Doesn't he just want to destroy Time? You may want to explain this part better.

He was going to wait until he could see the first police, before detonating it.

The comma after police isn't needed.

A floor underneath the room, Robert head the bomb go off.

Head should be heard.

“GO GO GO” he could hear everyone telling each other to just run.

There should be a period after the last GO. He should also be capitalized.

Light brighter than the sun was released from the open suitcase, engulfing the room at light speed, and taking Time with it. Robert ran from the light, chasing his comrades with amazing speed. He knew the distance the bomb could go was very limited, and he only needed a few more feet. The light, now slowing down from the consumption of particles was still gaining on Robert. His only chance was a mad jump into the arms of a comrade. NOW OR NEVER! He jumped, and as Time was finally destroyed, so was Robert.

The end, and especially this part is confusing. Who is Robert jumping towards? What was the point if he was going to die anyway? It is also a little anticlimactic. It ends too quickly so it is hard to realize what happens. You may want to lengthen it and add more detail for both reasons.


This is a good start. The storyline is interesting, and I would like to read more. Unfortunately, you do need to fix a few things.

This story is in present tense. Though there isn't technically anything wrong with that, a lot of people find it hard to read a whole story in present tense. You may want to change it to past tense.

It is also hard to feel any emotion towards the characters. They feel distant, even when they died. A story should make the reader feel like they know the characters, and I didn't feel that. Part of the problem is because you are telling instead of showing. To help this problem, a good article to read is Show and Tell.

Finally, there were a few things that could have given the story more depth. It feels like you are starting the story in the middle and then having to explain everything. If you started when Don becomes a carpenter, it would probably be easier for you to not info-dump. It would also give you more time to show what the characters are like.

Overall, this story is good, and with a little work I think it would be perfect.

I know by exterminating it, the world will be frozen, and therefore saved from destruction.

I know they have TNT and they’ll be using it soon.

Good thing I tailed that dirtbag, though Robert.

Do you mean 'trailed', not 'tailed'?

Set (took out a dash here) up the bomb, give him a warning, and set it off if he doesn’t come out. You got that?

“GO, GO, GO!” He could hear everyone telling each other to just run.

A light brighter than the sun was released from the open suitcase, engulfing the room at light speed, and taking Time with it.

Light brighter than the sun was released from the open suitcase, engulfing the room at light speed, and taking Time with it. Robert ran from the light, chasing his comrades with amazing speed.

You use the word 'speed' two sentences in a row, try another word?

He jumped, and as Time was finally destroyed, so was Robert.

Nice ending line.

This was a very interesting short story but there was a very limited amount of information given to the reader. Try to see where you can fit in more about why this is all happening, ok?
All in all, very interesting. I wish I knew more about why he was destroying Time....

Keep writing,
Alzora