z

Young Writers Society


Folie à Plusieurs Prologue



User avatar



Gender: None specified
Points: 1042
Reviews: 2
Tue May 31, 2011 6:50 pm
sheepkitty says...



The sky was emblazoned with orange, not only from the dying sun. Sat on the top of the sand dunes about a mile from the centre of Tripoli was the best view of the sunset in the evenings; which was the only peaceful sight to be seen unless you were on the other side of the countries border. It was mid summer, the light lasted longer, meaning it all settled down much later. Distant flashes could be seen on the horizon, followed by a dull warm light, dancing in the city for many hours on end. Of course, it shouldn't be something that should be described like a painting, the warm light was burning, destroying, consuming. Deep sounds that shook the ground could be heard, followed by the sound of allied planes flying over head, shooting far away to reload and do the same the same time the next day. The operation ran like clockwork. The sharp, high pitched sounds of gunfire, ringing in the ears like bells. And the quiet, constant sound, like a metal ball rolling down a wooden table, of trucks and cars driving through the sand. It was the lethal orchestra, but somehow always in time, never missing a beat.

I laid back in the dust, it matching the colour of my uniform, my helmet laid to my side. I played with the straps thoughtfully, looking up at the pastel sky containing more aircraft trails than clouds. Most would play with their phone at the strike of boredom, but I could tighten my bulletproof vest, reload my gun, adjust the straps of my helmet. It was a simplistic life, yet you were always on edge. If only I did have my phone in my pocket I thought, a pang of longing shooting through my mind. Just over 1000 miles away laid my beautiful Analine, probably asleep already. I could distinctly remember the exhaustion we felt every night when Katti was first born, especially in the first 6 months. Making an unspoken rota for who shushed her back to sleep, who was up first in the morning to let her out...it made my heart ache just to think she was looking after them alone. Only a few months ago our second, Cosmina was born. She says she has my eyes, but I don't know yet. I can't wait to see.
The sharp high pitched sound in the distance suddenly sounded louder, and I flinched. I sat up abruptly, and pulled my helmet over my head. The flashes still grew bright, brighter than before, but my eyes were probably still adjusting to the sand coloured buildings instead of the pastel sky. I got to my feet and began walking down the hill, hands in my pockets.

Then my head hit the ground.
"I request the highest of fives"
  





User avatar
675 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 28467
Reviews: 675
Tue May 31, 2011 8:23 pm
lilymoore says...



Well hello there, sleep kitty! Welcome to YWS! Have a panda! Image hehe!

So, I will say right off the bat that this was a little difficult to read because the majority of it is a very thick, chunky block that my eyes had a hard time following this as I read. When you look at almost any book, you’ll rarely see huge paragraphs like the one in your prologue because it’s hard to read for any reader. Breaking it up into multiple paragraphs gives the reader a huge hand, believe you me!

Now, on to the writing of this! Your style is pretty unique. And where some would be pretty psyched to hear that their writing is unique, you should also be careful that you don’t get too unique because it can really narrow your reader base. Here, you have a lot of purple prose. I remember once upon a time ago, Snoink reviewed a story for me and linked me to this article about purple prose. In a summery, purple prose is best reserved for romance novels with hulky shirtless men on the cover. But you should definitely consider cutting some of it out of your prologue.

Otherwise, you’ve got a good set up started for your novel and if you need anything, shoot me a PM or just leave me a note on my wall!

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
  





User avatar



Gender: None specified
Points: 1042
Reviews: 2
Wed Jun 01, 2011 1:19 pm
sheepkitty says...



Hello there! Thanks for the panda ;D

I will read back through my now more spaced apart paragraphs, and see what useless description I can cut out. Maybe then it will fit on two sides of A5 haha!

Thank you for the tips, and also expanding my literary language. :)

Sheepkitty :)
"I request the highest of fives"
  








life is so much better with tater tots
— AilahEvelynMae