Young Writers Society

Okay so first things first there are two things the name of the project and the name for a warrior for it are two different things one means living sword. Also the reason this is in sci-fi instead of fantasy is because it focuses around both but there's no sci-fi fantasy short story section. I do want to expand on this story though so if you think I should leave something in the review. Also this is a short story if you do think I should expand it I will explain somethings if I do decide to do something with this character.

How did I get to this point? I could feel the blood from the cut on my cheek slowly trickling down. I grasped the hilt of my weapon trying to focus long enough to get it to solidify into my sword. It wavered almost attaining solidity. I could see the red blood of my enemy drying to black on the shapeless weapon that was trying to become my sword. I remember when I first got the twin handles one for my sword and the other for my shield.

I saw from the corner of my eye another enemy approaching me. I focused as best I could taking into the account my blood loss and grasped tightly my shield handle. As the Shadow ran forward baring it's blood stained claws that had ripped through my allies. I lifted my shield and projected enough of one to deflect it's claws. I summoned a dagger and stabbed it into the Shadow's eye driving the blade into his brain killing it with brutal efficiency.

As it fell back I stood up, watching as the blood dripped from my body, I reached into my satchel and got three of my most helpful potions after applying a generous amount of salve to stop the bleeding. I used a blood restorer to return my blood to it's natural level. I then uncorked the last potion and poured a warp circle to return to base. I searched through the corpses looking for survivors the horrible slaughter disgusted me but I knew that we were fighting for what was right, I only found two survivors aside from myself among the bodies. We are the Torch Bearers destroying the corruption that was poisoning our world and removing the Shadows. I pulled the dagger I had summoned from the Shadows body and crushed it in my hand destroying my magical tie to the device. I picked up my hilt and hooked it onto my belt along with my shield handle. I typed in the contact for the Torch Bearers agency and sent in my report: three survivors from our ten man team, two sedated into a restorative status for transport. Please send rescue team for them upon my return.

As I opened the warp gate to return to head quarters I had a flash back to the first time I had ever traveled through one of these magical devices. It was on my thirteenth birthday that the Torch Bearer's agency came for me. I was told that my skill for summoning and other matter manipulation type spells made me an ideal member for their new project. I was one of the first three to join in what was to be later named Gladio Animam. I was later told by some of the scientist and other magic users on the project that the phrase roughly translated to life of the sword. I was given three items upon joining the project: my hilt, my shield handle, and my armor. I was told they were each made of a type of living material combining nano mechanics with magic. It would grow with me and it's abilities would develop with mine.

As I stepped into the portal of I could see all the places it could take me in the world. Disregarding a slight desire for a brief vacation, I returned to head quarters. All I could think about while I traveled through the small wormhole was how much I had changed, and how much had changed in our world due to my actions in this war. I am Leinad Zane and I am a Gladio Vivens.

Hello Daniel
I think that you ought to do something with this character. Just to see more ofthis world you have imagined would be nice. It seems like an RP game taken literally. Your grammar and spelling needs work, however, but that's a matter or editting. Good luck!

~TheManitheHat

Okay so first things first there are two things the name of the project and the name for a warrior for it are two different things one means living sword. Also the reason this is in sci-fi instead of fantasy is because it focuses around both but there's no sci-fi fantasy short story section. I do want to expand on this story though so if you think I should leave something in the review. Also this is a short story if you do think I should expand it I will explain somethings if I do decide to do something with this character.

How did I get to this point? I could feel the blood from the cut on my cheek slowly trickling down. I grasped the hilt of my weapon trying to focus long enough to get it to solidify into my sword. It wavered almost attaining solidity I could see the red blood of my enemy drying to black on the shapeless weapon that was trying to become my sword. I remember when I first got my armor and my twin handles one for a shield and the other for my sword. I saw from the corner of my eye another enemy approaching me I focused as best I could taking into the account my blood loss and graped tightly my shield handle. As the Shadow ran forward baring it's blood stained claws that had ripped through my allies. I lifted my shield and projected enough of one to deflect it's claws. I summoned a dagger and stabbed it into the Shadow's eye driving the blade into his brain killing it with brutal efficiency. As it fell back I stood up, watching as the blood dripped from my body, I reached into my satchel and got three of my most helpful potions after applying a generous amount of salve to stop the bleeding. I used a blood restorer to return my blood to it's natural level. I then uncorked the last potion and poured a warp circle to return to base. I searched through the corpses looking for survivors the horrible slaughter disgusted me but I knew that we were fighting for what was right, I only found two survivors aside from myself among the bodies. We are the Torch Bearers destroying the corruption that was poisoning our world and removing the Shadows. I pulled the dagger I had summoned from the Shadows body and crushed it in my hand destroying my magical tie to the device. I picked up my hilt and hooked it onto my belt along with my shield handle. I typed in the contact for the Torch Bearers agency and sent in my report: three survivors from our ten man team, two sedated into a restorative status for transport. Please send rescue team for them upon my return.

As I opened the warp gate to return to head quarters I had a flash back to the first time i had ever traveled through one of these magical devices. It was on my thirteenth birthday that the Torch Bearer's agency came for me. I was told that my skill for summoning and other matter manipulation type spells made me an ideal for there new project. I was one of the first three to join in what was to be later named Gladio Animam. I was later told by some of the scientist and other magic users on the project that the phrase roughly translated to life of the sword. I was given three items upon joining the project: my hilt, my shield handle, and my armor. I was told they were each made of living magic material it would grow with me and it's abilities would develop with mine.

As I stepped into the portal and returned to head quarters all I could think about was how much had changed, and how much had changed due to my actions in this war. I am Leinad Zane and I am a Gladio Vivens.

It seems you have to develop your character more before you go further with this. It seemed your just going on will, but you need to plan and go back and edit and plan some more, for the story to develop. I didn't really want to cut this short but I have to go! Bye!

Hey there.

Okay, first off, I would recommend breaking this up into paragraphs. When the text is in monstrous blocks like this, the reader tends to skim over things, and thus misses some crucial points of the story.

Interesting take on the weaponry. I like the idea that it is somehow changeable, and requires some effort to form it.

It wavered almost attaining solidity I could see the red blood of my enemy drying to black on the shapeless weapon that was trying to become my sword.

This sentence is seriously lacking in punctuation. Consider revising, to something like this: "It wavered, almost attaining solidity. I could see the red blood of my enemy drying to black on the shapeless weapon that was trying to become my sword." (Just an example, of course)

I remember when I first got my armor and my twin handles one for a shield and the other for my sword.

This kind of jumps outta nowhere, and is also lacking punctuation. Maybe instead of 'telling' us that he remembers it, make it a fleeting thought of affection. "My sword and my armor had seen me through many battles, and I sincerely hoped they didn't fail me this time."

As the Shadow ran forward baring it's blood stained claws that had ripped through my allies. I lifted my shield and projected enough of one to deflect it's claws.

The period after "allies" should be a comma, and "it's" (which is the contraction of "it is") should be "its" (the possessive).

There were a few other errors. If you can get access to a spell-checker, that might help. Also, I agree with the previous comments; you need to develop Leinad a little. It seems like you're writing an informative paper instead of a character's account of things. I struggle with this too. Use a little more emotion; try to put yourself in his head, and describe what he sees, feels, smells, etc. (Does the Shadow reek of anything? What does the warp gate look like?) You don't have to go too much into it, but we readers like a little insight into what your hero is experiencing.

Overall, I liked it, and I think you've got an intriguing story here. Also, nicely done with the Latin names. Living Sword, eh?

Sooooo.... I like it!:D
I do because this is fast-paced, with lots of action and it's also kind of creepy, but that's what good about it.

But there are some things I would like to point out: firstly, I would recommend paragraphs, to keep your ideas flowing, but not to allow the readers to get lost in the text. Secondly, there are some grammar errors, (little ones), like here:

I remember when I first got my armor and my twin handles one for a shield and the other for my sword. I saw from the corner of my eye another enemy approaching me I focused as best I could taking into the account my blood loss and graped tightly my shield handle.

There is a full stop (or a comma, if you wish) needed after the "approaching me" and the "could", otherwise the sentence becomes too heavy and I sometimes lose the idea in a long sentence.

I mostly agree with Payne's review above, he gave you some very good points to improve on. I would also suggest to expand the story, whilst still keeping us in suspense. It is intriguing, but a bit jagged, unstructured. May I also suggest using more details and descriptions to get the readers more engaged and to create vivid images. Think this through again, and I'm sure something really good will come out of this.

I really enjoyed your story (Honestly =D) At first I didnt see the whole Sci-fi thing but then I did. I really do like this continue writing <3 dasiamari

well hell, i thought it was good. keep writing!

It's definitely worth pursuing, as the idea behind the story seems pretty good. However you do need a lot of practice with the grammar itself, and I found it a little hard to read because of both the lack of commas and paragraphs. And while this is good for a first draft, the character himself also needs work. I would love to see more of the setting though, as so far it sounds very interesting.

All in all, there is good potential there. Pursue it, you never know where it could lead.