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Thu Jun 09, 2011 5:23 pm
zencherry says...



Alice lay down on the razor sharp grass, as it cut her back. She looked up at the sky. It was a peculiar shade of purple. Alice was used to the sky looking so strange, but not like this. She felt completely numb. What did this mean? Was the world about to give up? She was just wondering, oddly it did not scare her. None of her pondering thoughts did anymore. Even if it was about her world ending or the terrible epidemic that practically wiped out half the human race. She still felt numb, but she hoped half of the human race still stood.

Suddenly, she heard a sound behind the bush. She shuddered; there has not been any sign of life or wind in days. All she had was her friend Molly who was at home, sick. For all she knew, they were the only ones left.

She held her breath and listened. She looked above the dying tree tops searching for wind. They were still. She slowly stood up, weakened. She had not eaten for so long; at least it seemed like it. She had been surviving off of a small water pump a mile from her home, a particular kinds of grass and canned food from her dead neighbors. The canned goods were becoming scarce and even the grass was in the process of dying. She saved the grass in water, and tried not to eat until necessary. Since Molly was sick though, she had to eat even less to save food for her. It was hard to feed Molly though...

After a while she gave up listening, and headed home. The air was so polluted; you could almost see a grey tint in it.
She was almost to her house when she heard the sound again. A wave of panic went through her body. She wondered if she should run, then thought about a helpless child, or dying animal, struggling to live. She knew it was a stupid hope, but it didn’t matter now, nothing did.

The sound came again, and Alice followed it. “Hello?” The sound of her own voice surprised her; she had not spoken for a while. “Hello, is someone there? It’s okay; I won’t hurt you or anything.” The sound came again, it sounded like something small moving. “Please come out.” She stuttered, starting to worry.

A foot became exposed behind a gray bush. Alice rushed towards it and looked behind the bush. She almost screamed, it was so strange to see another human being alive. It was a small girl, but she looked older, like a teenager.

“Come, now.” The girl said defiantly as she stood up. Alice was confused. “I thought I was only one here! I can’t believe…I thought everyone was dead!” Alice almost screamed. The girl looked agitated. “A train is coming, they are going to Naples in Florida, the virus never reached there.” Alice felt numb and confused, and maybe a little hope. “Okay, but I have a friend in my house…” Alice trailed off. The girl looked suspicious, like she knew Molly was sick. “Go get her, I’ll wait. You have 10 minutes to get your stuff together, we are traveling light, okay?” Alice jogged in to her house.

She got an old beach bag and filled it with clothes, toiletries and a photo of her parents and Molly. Molly…

Alice wrapped a jacket around her mouth and slowly walked in to Molly’s room. Molly looked as if she had lost ten pounds in ten minutes. Alice took off the jacket to speak. “Moll, a train is coming to take us to Florida.” Molly’s breathe was slow and labored. She looked so miserable and hopeless. Alice came to Molly’s side. “I met a girl out there,” Alice waved outside to the eerie dying skies. “I thought everyone was dead.” Alice wanted to cry, she could even feel it coming up her throat, but nothing came out. Alice threw the jacket on the floor weakly. Alice lay her head down on Molly’s bed, numb. "Your all I have Moll..." Alice whispered.

She heard a knock at the door. Alice turned her head slowly, it was the girl. “She’s sick.” The girl said, oddly calm. Alice expected anger from the girl. “Can she come, please?” Alice begged. She wanted to cry so badly. “No. The virus is incurable. You would be transporting a corpse.” The girl said coldly. “Will I get sick?” Alice asked like a frightened child. “I don’t know, but I have been around the sickness like this,” She waved towards Alice and Molly. “And I am fine. It must be spread some other way, not physical contact. Don’t ask me why it spread so fast though.” The girl looked down and made circles on the floor with the tips of her toes. “We need to go. The train is coming real soon.”

Alice kissed Molly’s forehead. “I love you… I’m sorry.” Tears started to pour down Alice’s cheeks. Before she knew it, she was sobbing. The girl looked irritated and unsure. “Come on, now! Or I am leaving you.” She said bitterly. Alice breathed deeply and tried to stop sobbing, but she couldn’t. She walked out of the house in a watery blur.

Alice and the girl walked side by side. When Alice stopped crying, she tried to make conversation. Maybe to get her mind off Molly. “What’s your name?” She asked timidly. “Ayesha.” She replied. Alice rubbed at her face. “Are we almost there?” Alice asked. Ayesha stopped walking and turned to Alice. Ayesha looked her up and down. “There is no train.” Ayesha said in a deep, sad voice.

Alice looked utterly confused and hopeless. “What are you saying?” Alice asked. “The sun is dying.” Ayesha said bluntly. Alice felt numb again. She missed tears...emotion felt so good. “I kind of guessed that.” Alice said. Ayesha kept walking, probably to nowhere.

“Where are we really going?” Alice asked. Ayesha itched her scalp and rubbed at her eyes, she looked exhausted. “What’s your name?” Ayesha asked with no reply.
“Alice.” Alice said.
“Alice, the sun is a star. And sometime stars have to die…everything has to die sometime, really. This is the earth’s time, and it’s the suns time…and now it is our time.” Without thinking, they both stopped walking and faced each other. Alice felt a knife of fear cut through her numbness. She longed for tears.


They simultaneously laid down on the dead grass, and looked up at the strange sky.
“Can I hold your hand?” Alice asked Ayesha. It was a cheesy, childish question, but it didn’t matter, nothing really did. Ayesha walked her hand over to Alice's.

They talked about their hopes and dreams and wishes...their failures and hardships and lives...they talked about what could have been, until the sun turned black.

They held hands and watched the sky take its last breaths.
Last edited by zencherry on Thu Jun 09, 2011 6:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Happiness is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.
  





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Thu Jun 09, 2011 5:39 pm
vampireacademyfreak3 says...



Ok I think that the topic you choose was good but you have a few grammer mistakes here and there but one thing that confused me was where the train was headed. Ayesha told Alice that the train was going to Florida but Alice told molly that the train was heading to L.A so you might want to fix that. overall I thought it was o.k
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Thu Jun 09, 2011 6:05 pm
tgirly says...



Alice felt a kniFe of fear, not a knive of fear, unless you mean knives of fear. Really good. It was slightly confusing at the beginning, and if I hadn't read the short synopsis I probably wouldn't have understood what was going on for awhile. It was sad, but I think it would be sadder ( if that's what you're going for) if we knew more about Alice and Molly, especially Molly. Were Molly and Alice sisters? How old is Molly? Was she weaker then Alice before she was sick, or was she healthier? What did she look like, and how did that change now that she's sick? Great story though, powerful.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
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Thu Jun 09, 2011 6:11 pm
reaganpark says...



This is a good story idea! I was hooked the whole time. I think it would make it better if you gave a little more background information, like talk about the family she used to have, or maybe how she remembers earth to be like. Has it been like that her whole life, or did it happen recently? stuff like that.. i don't know. I hope this helped! I can tell you're a great writer. Keep it up!
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Thu Jun 09, 2011 10:18 pm
ABoyAndHisFlyingYeti says...



Holy balls, that's depressing. lol I love the way you set up the world. I really got a feeling that this was in like, the calm right before the storm and i liked how I didn't really know what was going on just that it was chaotic. However, I feel that your characters didn't have enough description and I kind of had a hard time imagining them. I think that just a short tag line describing you characters could go a pretty long way with making this story even more awesome. And more more thing... i didn't really understand why the teenage girl took Alice away from Molly. Maybe you could explain that a little more. but overall, i really enjoyed this. :) :D (:
  





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Fri Jun 10, 2011 8:47 am
Bromthebard says...



This was a very good story, I was hooked at the beginning. The problem I have with it, is it feels like the sentences are all running together. I suggest wording the sentences a little different to make the sentences seem a little more natural. It does need a little back story, though, I suggest a long prologue or introduction, if you do an introduction it can be more of a casual style, you can do things like descriptive time lines, or something like in a history book. I also suggest a little more detail when describing characters and places, try to make the reader able to see the people and places in their mind, make the reader see, smell, feel, hear,and even taste the things you're describing. Overall, though, I love the story. Keep working on it, and it can turn into something great if you just edit it a bit.
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Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:23 pm
Chelsea4827 says...



I don't normally read these kind of stories but overall I actually enjoyed it. I think it would of been better if you would of told us more about the characters because then it would be easier for the reader to connect with them and picture them :)

Sorry I didn’t help much.
Keep writing. :)
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Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:40 pm
zencherry says...



Thank you guys for the reviews! Sorry for my grammar, I am 13 and still learning I guess...thanks again!
Happiness is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.
  





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Fri Jun 17, 2011 5:37 pm
cookEmonster says...



Thats so amazing! It made ME want to cry at the end! Its so sad ):
BUT I LOVE IT. hahahah.

-CookEmonster
To accept life is to accept the fate it comes with- we were born to die.
So why not make the best of what we've been given with the short time we have on earth?
I like to live every day to it's fullest. (: And writing helps me do that...
  








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