Young Writers Society

AN: So, I've wanted to write a science-fiction short story for a while. This is kind of dystopian, and it's the first part. captain.classy helped me with the idea for this! It's rough, and I'm sort of figuring things out as I go.

At four-thirty am, Michael crawls on his sister's bed, feeling the cold sting of the rusted metal frame brush past his legs. “Emily,” he says, tugging at the white cotton sleeve of her t-shirt. “It's time to get up. I don't want to miss breakfast again.” Even though it's always a cold, stale biscuit and cup of lukewarm orange juice, it's better than starving, which Michael and Emily have done two days in a row for sleeping in; Michael was hungry and determined not to make it the third. When Emily doesn't wake, he takes the thin, scratchy blanket covering her body and thrusts it to the side.
A few seconds later, he feels cool, soft arms wrap around his stomach and delicate, filed finger nails across his body. This sends him into a frenzy. “Stop! Stop!” he tries between breaths.
“Okay, stinker,” Emily says with a laugh as she sits up in her bed. “Get dressed and we'll go.”
Michael nods and walks across the room to his bed. It is identical to his sister's. Beside the bed, there is a metal dresser in which all of his personal belongings are kept. He finds his daily uniform; an ash gray shirt and denim pants, and begins to slip it on. Emily is sitting up in her bed, rubbing her eyes. Despite the five years that she's spent in the camp, she's never quite gotten used to the routine. Michael was only a few months old when they came, so he doesn't know any differently.
Michael is ready and Emily is just getting out of bed. He impatiently glances at the clock on the gray linoleum wall.
“We have to be there in ten minutes,” he says. “Please, Emily, I don't want to miss breakfast again...”
“We won't. I promise,” Emily says gently as she gets her own clothes, identical to Michael's except for the size, out of the dresser. As they exit, Michael looks at the door to their bathroom, and Emily glances at the clock. four-forty am. If they're not in the dining hall in five minutes, they'll miss breakfast again. “We'll have to brush hair and teeth and all of that when we get back. Come on.” She takes Michael's hand and leads him out of their compartment, into the dusty courtyard.
It is still dark, and will be for just under another hour. Despite this, it is already very hot and humid. It is desolate as they walk to the top of the hill, where the worn gray building that is the dining hall sits like a rock. Everyone else who is going to have breakfast today is already inside, sitting at the metal tables, waiting patiently for the clock to strike four forty-five.
“You know, Michael,” Emily tries, pushing a strand of her matted blond hair out of her eyes. “You know it's hot like this?”
“Well, they don't serve it here, but, well, in the outside world--”
“Outside world?”
“Well, you were just a baby, but we used to live where we had hot food,” Emily says, her mouth beginning to water at the memories. “For breakfast, we wouldn't just have biscuits, we would have things like scrambled eggs and sausage and pancakes with maple syrup and chocolate muffins....”
“What are you talking about?”
“Never mind,” Emily says with a sigh. Of course he doesn't know. In the camp, discussion of the outside world is forbidden. If you came to it an an age so young you couldn't remember, there is no way of knowing that it exists. Emily had been trying to hint this to Michael, maybe spark even the tiniest flash, but it was hopeless. He lived in a world where getting up at four thirty, where living in crowded, stuffed compartments and having negligible portions of food was normal. After two more years, they would be free. As the camp's purpose was to discipline children and prepare them to be obedient adults, it was a requirement for all camp members to leave upon turning eighteen. Michael could come with Emily because she would be his legal guardian. Only two more years.
They slipped in the doors of the dining hall at four forty-three and are met with tired glances.
“I'm starving, Emily,” he says upon taking seats at a two-person table near the windows. An alarm bell rings and a female voice is heard over the loudspeakers at each corner of the room. “It is now four forty-five. If you are not in the dining hall at this time, you may not have breakfast. Servers will be out momentarily with your portions. You are limited to your portion are your portion alone. There are serious consequences if you do not abide by this rule. After breakfast you will each report back to your compartments where your schedule for the day has been dropped off for you. You must abide by this schedule. If you are found to be missing from your appointed location there will be serious consequences. Thank you. Have a nice day.” It's a recorded voice. This plays every morning on the loudspeaker. After its conclusion, four men dressed in gray t-shirts and pants come into the dining hall, carrying tupperware filled with biscuits and cartons of orange juice. It is silent. As they wait for them to get to their table, Emily looks into her brother's eyes and can't help but notice how empty they seem, how fixated they are on the biscuits that are being passed around. The men arrive at their table and deposit two orange juice cartons and two biscuits. Michael takes his and is finished within a second. Emily is about to bite into her own when they hear a scream from the other end of the cafeteria. They whirl around and see three of the men who served their food trying to control a girl with long black hair, who looks to be about thirteen. The fourth is carrying a young boy who is either Michael's age or younger. Lily Andres. Emily has never spoken to her, but their daily schedules have often overlapped and that's how she knows her name. The little boy must be her brother. Everyone is watching her now, watching as they try to calm her down and take her outside of the dining hall. Emily can only assume that she's committed one of the major offenses of the camp; either eating less or more than your portion.
“I can't let my brother starve because of a stupid rule!” Lily shrieks. Her voice is scratchy, hoarse. “Damn this camp! Damn every bit of it!” And with that, she and her brother are gone. Emily doesn't know where they take them, but she here's a click of a gun, a scream, and another click. And then there is a voice, cold, icy, male, that comes on the loudspeaker.
“Attention everyone. Lily and Connor Andres have violated rule three of this camp and are now dead. Just to clarify, trying to give away your portion or accepting an extra portion from another is a direct violation of this rule. If you break any camp rules, you will be killed. Now, if everyone would please return to their compartments. We will start course work for the day at five-thirty.”
Silence.

Hi Elli. Well, if you wanted me to be on my best behavior for the rest of the day you succeeded. This was a very spooky beginning and I already want to know more. A million questions are buzzing about my head right now. So good job! I think this could make a fabulous novel, but I will keep my mouth shut and let you make it a short story!

You had, of course, a few grammar errors. The majority of them were just typos and such. This is your rough draft so I wont give you a nitpicky review. One thing that concerned me though was your tense. It is present, but at times you go to past. The way it reads now for part of the time sounds very uncomfortable. Things aren't phrased right or they just seem a bit off. If you aren't used to writing in present tense you might want to just go to past it will make revision and editing a lot easier if you aren't worrying about your tenses too.

Another thing I noticed is your sentence length. A lot of your sentences are really long, for example:

Even though it's always a cold, stale biscuit and cup of lukewarm orange juice, it's better than starving, which Michael and Emily have done two days in a row for sleeping in; Michael was hungry and determined not to make it the third.

Yes, this sentence, as far as I can see, is grammatically correct. But you have to watch yourself. Having too many sentences like this in a row turns your writing tedious and hard to read (especially out loud). Now, I don't think it is too bad in this part. It is your writing style after all. But I would just make sure you don't do too much of it.

As for your characters and world I don't think I really know enough to give you a real opinion. I know that Emily acts as a mother to her little brother, and she misses the outside world a lot. I know that her younger brother, I don't recall reading a name, is a kid that is full of life, but he abides by the rules of the camp. No really strong personality traits pop out at me yet. I can't say if this is a bad thing, because I don't know how long this piece is going to be. As for Lilly I wish she wasn't dead because I wanted to see more of her. But it did help create the world.

This place that you call camp seems really creepy. It seems like it is a labor camp to me. I have a lot of questions about it though. Like why did Emily not have to go when she was a small child like her younger brother? How can people who go to this camp actually function as a adults afterwords? If the conditions are as bad as I am assuming then the kids their could be effected permanently by abuse. Children who live without any attention can get brain damage and such.

But, without reading more I don't have much else to say. I will be waiting for the next part!

Hope I helped,

Calli <3

HI EL OMG.

So, this was good. And definitely interesting. In fact, I didn't want to stop reading, until the end. The killing part... happened so quickly, I don't know. I think that if you are going to make them be killed, I think you should slow down or quiet the process a bit. It seems very over-dramatic and a little out of place for how you introduced this story. It seems very calm, and not too bad, and then they just die. There is a shock effect but not the good kind. I think if you are going to keep the killing, I think you should just have them go into a room and never come back, sort of 1984 style, if you've read that book.

I think that you could do a little bit better at describing the world to us. I think instead of coming out and saying "oh this is a place where we go to learn to behave, " you should 'show' it, as I like to say. Have kids talking about it, have characters relate it to something going on. It would be a whole lot more interesting for us to sit there and wonder what this place is about, instead of knowing in the first few paragraphs.

As far as your character's go, I'm so proud of you! Neither of these characters remind me of you. And you know I love you and your are awesome, but your characters are always exactly like you, and it's so awesome you wrote some that aren't like you. I think it's because you can't picture yourself in this situation, and you didn't want your main character to be super nice. You wanted her to be rebellious and annoying.

I think this is fabulous, though you should go through and read through a few times out loud before posting on here. It's so cute that you want to post stories right when you're finished writing them, or even if you've just started, but you should do a once-over to see if everything sounds write. There are a couple sentences in there that would be confusing to anyone but me, anyone who doesn't know the story already!

Write on!

Classy <3

Great beginning, hopefully youll have more for me to read soon. Dystopian society books are one of my favorite genre to read. My favorite book in that genre is Anthem by Rand. Obviously you've done your research so may have already heard of this title. Only errors are few typos, due to it being your first draft. Then, a problem we all share when we first start writing a new piece, consistency with past or present tense. Since youve requested "critiques regarding the characters" specifically, usually with only a couple paragraphs into the short novel its hard for writers to give an impression of characters personalities. Yet youve done a great job of it just from their dialogue (at least the brother and sister).

Thanks for sharing,

tRiCk

Wow! I love it...I can't wait for part two! Keep writing...amazing.

“It is now four forty-five. If you are not in the dining hall at this time, you may not have breakfast. Servers will be out momentarily with your portions. You are limited to your portion are your portion alone. There are serious consequences if you do not abide by this rule. After breakfast you will each report back to your compartments where your schedule for the day has been dropped off for you. You must abide by this schedule. If you are found to be missing from your appointed location there will be serious consequences.

I thought the whole "killing people for sharing their food" thing was really over the top. I can understand how, during period of shortage, you would impose harsh penalties on those who attempt to eat extra food. However, the food was already apportioned and its effect on the others would be none. So, why have that rule?

Perhaps the point was that the prisoners needed to learn to follow procedures and any deviation from procedure was an offense. In the story, any deviation from the camp rules ends in summary execution.

But wait, the main characters missed breakfast, not once, but three consecutive times. Therefore, they were not in their scheduled place at the scheduled time. Since "serious consequences" is a buzz word for summary execution, wouldn't our main characters be dead already?

Further, if a person is put on a schedule and keeps to that schedule (under pain of death) for years at a time, wouldn't they become accustomed to following the rules? Wouldn't those procedures appear to be normal and following the rules become second nature? They would learn very quickly that the slightest deviation ends in death and that following the rules must be done under all situations. In fact, they would probably go so far as to think that anyone stupid enough to violate the rules deserved what was coming to them.

I think you need to go back and rethink the rules and punishments for this story, then think about how those rules and punishments would affect the society living under them (i.e the prisoners.)

First off, whoo for dystopian societies! They're a great base for any sci fi story and I think there's some interesting stuff going on here. Like Griff, though, I thought you needed to fix the rules. Your MC was way too unconcerned about being late to breakfast considering the punishments they're used to seeing. And then too concerned about the punishments. She needs to be one way or the other. If she's so fed up that death doesn't bother her, she wouldn't even flinch at the killings. Maybe she thinks they're not really killed which would account for her rebellious attitude. But it wouldn't account for her still being alive

Line-By-Line

At four-thirty am, Michael crawls on his sister's bed, feeling the cold sting of the rusted metal frame brush past his legs. [Make this description snappier. It could be 'frame brush against his legs' or 'frame against his legs'] “Emily,” he says, tugging at the white cotton sleeve of her t-shirt. “It's time to get up. I don't want to miss breakfast again.” Even though it's always a cold, [Later you explain to us how Michael has no concept of hot food. In this part he's the only character so it's his view point almost and you can't have him indirectly making an observation on the lack of hot food.] stale biscuit and cup of lukewarm orange juice, it's better than starving, which Michael and Emily have done two days in a row for sleeping in; Michael was hungry and determined not to make it the third. [Split this sentence up, right now it's crazy.] When Emily doesn't wake, he takes the thin, scratchy blanket covering her body and thrusts it to the side.

A few seconds later, he feels cool, soft arms wrap around his stomach and delicate, filed finger nails across his body. This sends him into a frenzy. “Stop! Stop!” he tries between breaths.

“Okay, stinker,” Emily says with a laugh as she sits up in her bed. “Get dressed and we'll go.” [They've starved for the last couple of days. They should be in much lower spirits and less energetic. Which is a shame as I rather liked the dialogue.]

Michael nods and walks across the room to his bed. It is identical to his sister's. Beside the bed, there is a metal dresser in which all of his personal belongings are kept. He finds his daily uniform; an ash gray shirt and denim pants, and begins to slip it on. Emily is sitting up in her bed, rubbing her eyes. Despite the five years that she's spent in the camp, she's never quite gotten used to the routine. Michael was only a few months old when they came, so he doesn't know any differently. [I find this hard to believe. I spent a single fortnight at a camp where we have to be up for something like five am and by the last few days, my clock was so tuned in that it took me a good few days to get out of the routine. She might remember how nice it was not to have one but the biological clock is a sensitive instrument.]

It is still dark, and will be for just under another hour. Despite this, it is already very hot and humid. It is [That's three sentences in a row which start the same way. Mix it up a bit!] desolate as they walk to the top of the hill, where the worn gray building that is the dining hall sits like a rock. Everyone else who is going to have breakfast today is already inside, sitting at the metal tables, waiting patiently for the clock to strike four forty-five.

“You know, Michael,” Emily tries, pushing a strand of her matted blond hair out of her eyes. “You know it's hot like this?”

“Well, they don't serve it here, but, well, in the outside world--” [Don't start a new line. It confused me, I didn't realise Emily was still speaking.]

“Never mind,” Emily says with a sigh. [They're really rushing to that breakfast hall ] Of course he doesn't know. In the camp, discussion of the outside world is forbidden. If you came to it an an age so young you couldn't remember, there is no way of knowing that it exists. Emily had been trying to hint this to Michael, maybe spark even the tiniest flash, but it was hopeless. He lived in a world where getting up at four thirty, where living in crowded, stuffed compartments and having negligible portions of food was normal. After two more years, they would be free. As the camp's purpose was to discipline children and prepare them to be obedient adults, it was a requirement for all camp members to leave upon turning eighteen. Michael could come with Emily because she would be his legal guardian. Only two more years. [So their parents are dead? Otherwise Michael wouldn't be able to leave without doing his full stint which I don't think he should be able to anyway. All this is a bit info dumpy. Maybe consider re-working all of this.]

“I'm starving, Emily,” he says upon taking seats at a two-person table near the windows. An alarm bell rings and a female voice is heard over the loudspeakers at each corner of the room. “It is now four forty-five. If you are not in the dining hall at this time, you may not have breakfast. [Huge paragraph! Split it up.] Servers will be out momentarily with your portions. You are limited to your portion are your portion alone. There are serious consequences if you do not abide by this rule. After breakfast you will each report back to your compartments where your schedule for the day has been dropped off for you. You must abide by this schedule. If you are found to be missing from your appointed location there will be serious consequences. Thank you. Have a nice day.” It's a recorded voice. This plays every morning on the loudspeaker. After its conclusion, four men dressed in gray t-shirts [It's rare for staff and inmates to have the same uniform. I'd have thought they'd wear something else. Like at the factory I'll be working at, everyone has to have white overalls but while the workers have white helms, the bosses have red and the specialist workers have green or blue etc.] and pants come into the dining hall, carrying tupperware filled with biscuits and cartons of orange juice. It is silent. As they wait for them to get to their table, Emily looks into her brother's eyes and can't help but notice how empty they seem, how fixated they are on the biscuits that are being passed around. The men arrive at their table and deposit two orange juice cartons and two biscuits. Michael takes his and is finished within a second. Emily is about to bite into her own when they hear a scream from the other end of the cafeteria. They whirl around and see three of the men who served their food trying to control a girl with long black hair, who looks to be about thirteen. The fourth is carrying a young boy who is either Michael's age or younger. Lily Andres. Emily has never spoken to her, but their daily schedules have often overlapped and that's how she knows her name. [This info takes away some of the drama you was building up.] The little boy must be her brother. Everyone is watching her now, watching as they try to calm her down and take her outside of the dining hall. Emily can only assume that she's committed one of the major offenses of the camp; either eating less or more than your portion.

Tenses

Okay so you seem to have a mild obssession with present tense. The first time I read a piece by you that used it I thought it was great and I loved how it worked with your gentle style. This is a very different genre and it doesn't work as well. I'd suggest changing it to past tense for that reason.

Characters

I'd have liked to see more personality than just that one is rebellious while the other obeys. That makes them a bit limited. And I didn't really like either of them because of their extremes. Emily was being stupidly rebellious. She wasn't choosing her fights carefully or going about it in an intelligent way and her carefree attitude made it seem like life wasn't even so bad there and that she didn't need to rebell. I liked Michael as a mechanism but not as a character. Now that's okay as you need to have the occasional character who's whiny and annoying. I'd have liked him more had he been less of a push over and more set on his own needs. Like... why did they both starve for so long? I don't know about you but sure, maybe I'd miss breakfast the first day because my sister was an arse but by the second, I'd be in that hall. I'd try to rouse her, sure, but I'd be gone without her before I starved.

Sentence variation

I wouldn't mind seeing a few more short sentences since you're got quite a bit of action going on. Remember that you can describe things thoroughly in a few words just as easily as taking a whole paragraph for it. You just have to choose your words more carefully.

Overall

I like the dystopian theme and I think quite a lot of this can be salvaged but have another think about your society, how it has ended up as it has and how it works. I think there's quite a few things for you to think about so I'll leave you to it but please do tell me when you've written some more. Thanks for the read!

Heather xxx