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Empty Sky (Edits)



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Sun Jun 19, 2011 4:15 pm
silentpages says...



Spoiler! :
As I said in the description, this is a story of mine - almost a year old - that's gotten a lot of positive feedback, even before the edits. It was on the featured works list of this site, actually, which was cool. I recently showed it to a published author at the writing conference I went to, and she loved it. She encouraged me to submit it somewhere, was very encouraging, and so I've begun to polish this up some more in the hopes of eventually, maybe, submitting it to a magazine or something. *shrugs hopefully*
Needless to say, I would LOVE feedback on it. Thanks in advance!

EDIT, 8-24-11 -- I've tweaked the ending a bit, and... I gotta say, guys. I think I'm to the point where there's only so much more I can do with this story. I want to start trying to submit this somewhere. Like, to a legit magazine or something. *_*

Needless to say, reviews/feedback/grammar nazi-ism would be extremely, extremely appreciated. XD Thanks so much, everybody.

EDITED EDIT, 8-29-11 -- Tweaked the ending again. Gah. T-T Feedback is still absolutely totally encouraged and welcomed. Rip this thing apart, peeps.


I sat in the field, baring my face toward the heavens as I watched the stars die. The warm summer breeze swept long hair off my neck. Grass tickled my palms and the soles of my feet. It might’ve been pleasant, if I hadn’t been watching the world end.
I wasn’t the only one in the field. A sea of ratty blankets and lawn chairs stretched out in all directions. Some stargazers were loud, like the group of kids from my school, off to the right. They laughed and shouted, ‘ooh’-ing and ‘ah’-ing like it was the Fourth of July.
But groups like that were rare. Most people were quiet, and – like me – alone. Most of us just watched the stars blink out. Not talking. Not making any sound. We just watched, and wondered, and waited.
An older woman and her husband sat to my left, on a neat, clean blanket probably purchased just for the night. She had her arms crossed in front of her chest, like she was holding something in. Her husband had an arm around her shoulders and a tight, drawn expression.
And an expensive-looking watch on his wrist. My fingers twitched.
Their clothes looked faded, washed out, but then again, this wasn’t some fancy, black-tie event. They’d probably worn the grubbiest clothes they owned. I plucked at stray threads on my worn, hole-filled jeans, glancing at the couple for a moment, then turning back to the sky as the woman spoke.
“Can’t they stop it?” she whispered. The words seemed volumes louder than my classmates’ raucous laughter, and I knew everyone in our little patch of field was listening. “Don’t they know what’s causing it yet?”
A long silence. I didn’t look at them again, but I think the man with the watch probably shrugged. Shook his head. Squeezed her shoulder. Something.
Then he spoke. “Don’t worry, hon.”
Don’t worry. Right. Because it was only the end of the universe, after all. No big deal.
“It takes thousands of years for the light from some of those stars to reach Earth. We’ll be dead and gone long before whatever it is reaches us.”
She let out a small relieved sigh. Because her husband was so much smarter than all the experts who came on the news and babbled about science to hide that they didn’t have a clue what was happening. Because who cared if her descendants and the rest of the human race saw the end of Earth as long as she was six feet under when it happened.
Or maybe it was a dissatisfied sigh. Because she was smarter than her husband. Because she – like me and my friends online – had already realized that so many stars disappearing at the same time meant that whatever ended those stars was moving much, much faster than the speed of light.
Those stars up there didn’t even exist anymore. They were dead. Maybe they’d been dead a long time. They were ghosts, fading slowly as their light continued on after their demise, the way a screaming woman’s echo could continue on seconds after she drew her last breath.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star…” The song flashed through my mind. “How I wonder what you are… Up above the world so high. Leaving behind an empty sky…
I played with the rhyme for a while, then gave up.
I suddenly felt like moving. I wanted to get up and start running. Onto the road, back into the city, where streetlights and neon signs blocked out the stars every night.
I could run fast, like I had after leaving that store I went to last weekend, where I thought one of the cashiers had noticed something off about me. I had run down the street, a bulge in my pocket and a light, free feeling in my chest.
But the field and the city were too far apart. I was no athlete; I measured my distance traveled in city blocks, not miles. When I left, it would be on one of the shuttle buses, like most of the other gawkers who’d made the trip into the country to get one last good look. I didn’t want to be like them – pathetic sheep who sat and watched because they couldn’t do anything to stop it.
But I was like them.
Some had brought telescopes. Others, cameras. Everyone wanted to ‘capture the moment’, like the news anchors told them to. Everyone wanted to see the things their grandchildren might not be able to: stars and polar bears.
I didn’t see the point. If some huge thing, event, whatever, was really out there destroying entire galaxies, who cared if you had footage of the last starry sky posted on your Facebook page?
I guess I did, a little. Why else would I have come? Looking, just like everyone else. Helpless.
In real life, there was no mission to send Earth’s finest to battle the darkness. There was no unlikely team of heroes braving the final frontier and forging friendships along the way.
There was only waiting.
“I can’t stand it anymore.” The woman shuddered. “Let’s just go home.”
Back to the city, where the haze of civilization obscured the stars.
The couple got up and folded their blanket. The woman clutched her purse. They picked their way through the rows of spectators toward the line of idling buses.
I stayed a few seconds, then put on my shoes and brushed myself off before following. I got on the bus just after them, not meeting the eyes of the bus driver – not the same one I’d ridden out with. An empty seat just behind the couple welcomed me.
Most of the passengers dozed, huddled like roosting birds as they made up for lost sleep. They’d have work tomorrow, or school. Appointments, business meetings, tennis lessons at the country club. Packed schedules. They hadn’t really had time to come out to the boonies. But really, how many chances would they get to watch the world die?
How many more years, months, weeks, days, would it be before even the ghosts faded and only the lights of airplanes and satellites remained?
The bus coughed as it lumbered forward. People stirred and peeked past their eyelashes, and I waited until they settled down into at least a half-rest, my best ‘bored teenager’ gaze skimming from seat to seat.
The man in front of me snored, light glinting off his watch.
No. I stilled my fingers. Too conspicuous.
The woman leaned against him as she slept, still and quiet and very grandmother-like. If I were the bus driver, I’d guess they had grandchildren. Maybe a teenage granddaughter they took with them to stargaze. And if a girl followed them onto the bus, and sat by them, he’d probably assume she was related.
After all, who else but a granddaughter would reach forward and start rummaging through the sleeping woman’s purse? No one outside the family would dare.
I took what I wanted from the purse, slipping the small items into my sweatshirt pocket. I also took a stick of gum – ladies like her always carried gum, or mints, or something – and popped it halfway into my mouth, letting the driver and other passengers see the end. A bored granddaughter taking a stick of gum from her grandma’s purse. Nothing odd about that.
Then I put the purse back onto the seat, next to the woman.
I settled back, a pleasant buzz pooling at the base of my skull. I rested my head against the window and stared at the farmland we passed, holding in a smile. The feeling faded some as I peered upward and saw a few more dots of light disappear. The gum’s flavor faded, too.
The old man’s snoring never missed a beat as he put his arm around his wife’s shoulders. Light glinted off the face of his watch. A pinprick of brightness, just like a star. Gone as soon as it appeared.
The glass of the bus window chilled the back of my neck.
Everything was coming to an end. Light. Life. Time itself.
I was stealing gum from an old lady’s purse, while something out there in the void was stealing everything.
My fingers tightened on the prizes in my pockets as the bus rolled on down the gravel road, and as stars died outside my window.
How long before it stole me, too?
How long before the only thing left was an empty sky?





Spoiler! :
One specific thing I’m wondering about is the ending. I’ve had a lot of people say “I love this, I want more!” Which is good because it means they enjoyed it. But I also had one person say (pre-edits) that it ended too abruptly. I’ve also had a lot of comments that it feels like the beginning of a bigger piece, and it could be the start of a novel. Maybe eventually I’ll do that, but right now I think I’m happy with where I ended it, and I’ve got other novels I’m working on first.
So, basically, I’m wondering whether I need to put a more concrete resolution onto it, or if it’s fine as is. And of course, any other feedback you have is welcome, too. ^^
Last edited by silentpages on Tue Aug 30, 2011 3:37 am, edited 3 times in total.
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Mon Jun 20, 2011 10:37 pm
Liveinthelight says...



I'll keep this short, seeing as I don't have much to say.

This is nice and philosophical and all that, but, as you said, others have said that it didn't seem like enough, that it ended too abruptly. It's written very nicely, with just the right amount of description. It has good pace, but your character doesn't actually seem to do much here. Does she really achieve anything? Not that I can tell. She stared up at the sky, thought for a while about what was happening, got on the bus, and stole from an old woman.

The world is ending, and that's the best you could come up with to happen in this work? Everyone is so calm, and that seems uncharacteristic of them. If there was this much evidence that something was going to happen to the world, people would go berserk.

The writing itself is beautiful, but the story is dull. Special meaning or not, it doesn't seem like enough. Thanks for posting this. :)
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Thu Jun 23, 2011 3:16 am
ultraviolet says...



Dare I go against another reviewer?

Yes, there's not a lot going on here, but since the writing itself is so beautiful, I think it works. It has a dreamy, nostalgic, "I don't have enough energy to over-think anything, to fight anymore, to pretend it's worth pretending something, so I'm just going to lie down and think about you and life and nothing at all, really," kind of feel to it. Sure, there are a lot of people out there that think all pieces need to have a definite conflict, some actual action going on, but that's not true; well, not all of the time.

And we already get a vague sense of the conflict as it is, just by your explaining of the sky going dark and all that entails, all the little stories and people and examples you give for that.

So I guess, my main point of this was to say, you're the writer; you're going to come across people like Live, and you're going to come across people like me, and in the end, it's up to you to decide if you want to change anything or not.

One other little note; the ending is a bit abrupt, not terribly so, but enough to jar you a little. With a little work, it could get better.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

(And yes, I know this review is really short and mostly pointless, but I just wanted to say how I liked it as is so... yeah. Good job.)
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com
  





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Sat Aug 27, 2011 11:57 pm
ultraviolet says...



Hey there, silent! Back as requested.

First of all, I want to say that the pace at the ending was a bit better - less abrupt. But I think maybe's it's almost not abrupt enough. See, I liked how it stopped quickly because, as the story told us, there simply wasn't any more that could be done, so in my mind that translated to "This isn't going to drag on, there's nothing more to say, and that's how it should be." And I guess I really liked that aspect.

Don't get me wrong, like everyone else, I thought it ended too quickly - but now I think it doesn't end quick enough, I guess is my point. And maybe I think that, not necessarily because it was too many words, but because of what those words said.

All through this piece, she gave us the vibe that she was proud of her thieving, so why at the end would she feel so inclined to return the chapstick? After all, it is just chapstick.

(Which, as a side note, felt a bit off to me; we know there was more than just chapstick that she took, and it feels weird that she doesn't mention anything else, anything more expensive while still being fairly cheap.)

And countering that - at the very end, she says she's going to hold on to what she has. What happened to nothing being important because the world was ending? I mean, I know she didn't say anything specifically about material objects, but she got that overall impression with the whole Facebook thing. It all seems rather contradictory.

So, all in all - good, but I'd cut it down; condense it. As is, the end feels like it's trying to shift the theme of this piece to her thieving even though that's not what this is really about. It also feels like it's trying to add a moral for the sake of having a moral - "because every story needs a moral" - (and I know you didn't specifically say this, but that's the general feel the ending gave me - even though you already have a moral, oddly enough). So, focus back on your story.

The sky's blinking out - I can't say I'm overly worried about her petty thievery or how she feels about its "right or wrong" thoughts, or her justifications, or anything. From all the versions of this I've read, that's never been close to the point.

Okay, so, hope I helped. I know this sounds really jumbled and the pacing and everything is really off - I wrote this down in a notebook first (don't ask me why) and so the sizing shift changes everything.

Anyway, that's my $.02.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 5:35 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Hey you! Sorry it took me so long to get around to reviewing this. It's been on my "to do" list for forever, it seems. So here I go!

Gonna be a little nitpicky here, just because this is already so beautiful. If I didn't nitpick, I'd have nothing to talk about.

It might’ve been pleasant… if I hadn’t been watching the world end.

Mmm, I'm not fond of the ellipses in there. It just makes it feel a little too melodramatic. It's actually more dramatic if you just drop the statement that the world is ending without any fanfare.

That said... the world isn't ending. Yes, whatever it is that's coming is definitely coming and the world definitely is going to be ending, but really, they're just watching the stars go out. Maybe it's the universe that's ending? Something? With a statement like that, I expected everyone to die at the end. Maybe I'm being too insistent with terminology, but it bothers me a little.

Leaving behind an empty sky…”

Gah, I'm not lyrically-inclined, but this bothered me. It's got too many syllables. I know that she's just playing with the idea of the new lyrics, but it bothers me that the line doesn't fit. The original has seven syllables, while this one has eight. Again, nitpicky, but there it is.

My fingers tightened on the tube of Chapstick, and I slouched further down in my seat. Maybe I wasn’t the biggest thief out there. But I knew one thing for certain as that bus rolled down the gravel road, and as I watched the stars die outside my window.

Maybe I wasn’t the biggest thief out there. But I was going to hold on to what I had.

The ending bothered me. It just felt kind of weak. I couldn't decide on what the moral was supposed to be, or really what the point was supposed to be. Is she basically justifying her theft with the thought that they're all going to die anyway, so you should take what you can get and hold on to it? Some other thought process behind it? It just felt kind of tacked on, or at least incomplete. I'm not saying that there needs to be a more concrete ending event-wise, but it feels like the thought process needs more work.

So yeah. I really did like this. The resigned nature of everything. Sure, I think that normally there would be more wide-spread panic, but I feel like this is the calm before the storm. Like folks have done some panicking and right now they're sort of in shock, not really having things sink in yet. Or they could already be at the "acceptance" stage. I dunno. It creates this surreal feeling of calm, focusing on mundane events instead of on world-wide hysteria. It's refreshing. Me likies mucho.

hope I said something helpful in there somewhere. If you've got questions or comments for me, feel free to drop me a line!

~Gryph
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Sun Aug 28, 2011 9:51 pm
ultraviolet says...



Hey there, silent! Back as requested.

First of all, I want to say that the pace at the ending was a bit better - less abrupt. But I think maybe's it's almost not abrupt enough. See, I liked how it stopped quickly because, as the story told us, there simply wasn't any more that could be done, so in my mind that translated to "This isn't going to drag on, there's nothing more to say, and that's how it should be." And I guess I really liked that aspect.

Don't get me wrong, like everyone else, I thought it ended too quickly - but now I think it doesn't end quick enough, I guess is my point. And maybe I think that, not necessarily because it was too many words, but because of what those words said.

All through this piece, she gave us the vibe that she was proud of her thieving, so why at the end would she feel so inclined to return the chapstick? After all, it is just chapstick.

(Which, as a side note, felt a bit off to me; we know there was more than just chapstick that she took, and it feels weird that she doesn't mention anything else, anything more expensive while still being fairly cheap.)

And countering that - at the very end, she says she's going to hold on to what she has. What happened to nothing being important because the world was ending? I mean, I know she didn't say anything specifically about material objects, but she got that overall impression with the whole Facebook thing. It all seems rather contradictory.

So, all in all - good, but I'd cut it down; condense it. As is, the end feels like it's trying to shift the theme of this piece to her thieving even though that's not what this is really about. It also feels like it's trying to add a moral for the sake of having a moral - "because every story needs a moral" - (and I know you didn't specifically say this, but that's the general feel the ending gave me - even though you already have a moral, oddly enough). So, focus back on your story.

The sky's blinking out - I can't say I'm overly worried about her petty thievery or how she feels about its "right or wrong" thoughts, or her justifications, or anything. From all the versions of this I've read, that's never been close to the point.

Okay, so, hope I helped. I know this sounds really jumbled and the pacing and everything is really off - I wrote this down in a notebook first (don't ask me why) and so the sizing shift changes everything.

Anyway, that's my $.02.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 10:56 pm
Cyb3rBlade says...



Good luck getting published! You better tell us when you do. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, so...
silentpages wrote: Most people were quiet, and – like me – they were alone.

An artful way of establishing solitude. Could you maybe try " Most people were quiet - and like me - were alone. "? I definitely think that the 'they' is unnecessary, though the position of the hyphens is up to you. To me at least, using 'they' makes it sound like the group is isolated, rather than that there are not many clusters of people. Did that make any sense? I hope it did.
silentpages wrote:A long silence. I didn’t look at them again, but I think the man with the watch probably shrugged. Shook his head. Squeezed her shoulder. Something.

This sounds just like she is talking to me. The jabs at happy-ending science fiction really helped that. Very impressive!
silentpages wrote:I settled back, a pleasant buzz pooling at the base of my skull.

It sounds a little weird, but that is exactly what mint gum is! There's a little problem, though. The rest of the story sounds exactly like a normal person's thoughts, but this is, well - a writer might think this way, but she doesn't seem like a writer. I like the way it sounds, but it doesn't sound like a pick-pocket's thoughts.
Now about the ending. The big question is where your character's personality would allow you to take it. If you were turning this into a novel, the Star-killer could come to Earth, etc. If you wanted to make this fantasy, you could make the stars living beings like in Narnia or A Wrinkle in Time. Perhaps actions like stealing an old lady's Chapstick hurts them. Okay, that's not quite what you expect in science fiction. Hmmm... < Lightbulb turns on over Cyb3rBlade's head > Maybe the Star-killer is some kind of alien race who punishes greedy or corrupt species by destroying their stars, and the MC is visited by one to gauge the planet's morality. Of course, stealing Chapstick from an old lady is rather pathetic, which would seal Earth's fate for sure unless the old lady responded in an exceptionally virtuous manner. Just thought I would throw out a few suggestions...
Excellent prose. Even if every story doesn't need a very moral moral, it is good that something has changed about the character between the beginning and the end. To be honest, I was dismayed to see that the story ends with her justifying stealing with imminent doom. I had to type that, but to give you the best advice as a writer that I can, I would tell you to ignore that last sentence.
Well, you are the author. It is up to you in the end. I hope you get published.
I write for my King.

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Thu Sep 01, 2011 12:08 am
Lauren2010 says...



Hi Silent! :D

Nitpicks first:
And an expensive-looking watch on his wrist. My fingers twitched.

This line came really abruptly in an awkward sort of way. When I was reading, it seemed out of place and broke me out of the story. It just needs a bit of rewording, a beginning other than "and".

Twinkle, twinkle, little star…” The song flashed through my mind. “How I wonder what you are… Up above the world so high. Leaving behind an empty sky…

Maybe it's supposed to be this way, but this read awkwardly with "leaving behind an empty sky". It doesn't fit the rhyme scheme, or the tune of the song. If it's meant to be that way, great, but if not some rewording may be in order.

I've not read any other versions of this, so hopefully this will be a fresh opinion rather than a broken record of everything said before (as I've only lightly skimmed other reviews). Anyways. I really enjoyed this story. It's a really interesting, unique idea and the narrative was nearly flawless in carrying it through. It's awesome that you're seeking to publish it! I could definitely see this in a magazine or something of the sort. :)

On the note of it ending too abruptly or not; I think it does end too abruptly, but in the manner of I don't understand the point of the MC's pick-pocketing. You present this fantastical situation of the stars disappearing, and the idea that there is something coming toward earth, an impending danger, and juxtapose it against this young girl stealing from an older couple. The problem is that the pick-pocketing scenario doesn't feel complete. As it is it feels unfinished and pointless. I, as a reader, want to know the importance of the pick-pocketing. What makes it so important as to be a part of this story. Any character could make the similar "huge things are happening but I'm only doing [insert simple and seemingly-meaningless act]" observations that the MC makes at the end of the story.

But the story isn't about any character, the story is about this character. If you're going to put petty thievery up against imminent doom, there has to be some point to it. I don't mean a moral; that would just make it cliche. Just a reason. Give the reader a reason to care about this specific character, and give this character a reason to have this story be about them rather than anyone else. Once you have that reason, use it to carry the action completely through. Show why this character and her actions are important, why it matters, what it's significance is in the face of everything else happening around her.

Good luck with the rest of your polishing/seeking publication! Let us know how it goes! And if you'd like another review after you've done any more editing, feel free to hit me up. :)

Keep writing!

-Lauren-
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Tue Sep 13, 2011 2:19 am
Cspr says...



So! I quite liked this. Really. It was particularly awesome, which is saying something--normally I'm extremely uptight and don't particularly like to read anything. Because I'm weird.

But, anyway, I think the story was done very well. I can imagine what would happen if the stars started to 'die out'--probably like nothing seen since the Black Death, only with extra Katrina-like looting and guns. Then there'd be middle-class and upper-class people with nothing better to do than continue their rat race, like in this, and die with the world they spent so much time building up. (I also picture a lotta religious zealots.) So, yes--the setting and circular fashion of plot you had your story in was masterfully done, in my opinion. It had a beginning and an end, even if they weren't say, as clear as ours are.

I have a few nitpick-y things relating to the character, but not much. She was interesting enough, I suppose. However, you only gave her one really intense feature--light-fingers. You sort of stamped it home a little too hard, too. Or maybe that was just my own unease about the ordinary life of a klepto. -shrugs-

So, yeah. Can't wait to see what you come up with next. :)

Edit(s):

"I played with the rhyme for a while, then gave up." My Word Doc would probably say to add and before the then; however, I don't particularly care either way.
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Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
— Adrian Mitchell