Young Writers Society

[DELETED]

"shooting the two men in the chest" What two men? Did she shoot them both at once, with some sort of weapon that shoots more than one bullet at a time, or was it just one after the other. First impressions are important, and while a certain amount of confusion in the beginning can be useful in gripping the reader, you want to confuse them in a 'What's happening right now?' way, and not a 'What did the author mean by this?' way.

"Skylar shushed him. Having come to a corner..." That second part is a bit passive. Not as gripping. This is the beginning of the story. Try to really take us into the action. Maybe something more like, "Skylar shushed him as she came to a corner." Etc.

"before they were crumpled on the floor" Again, a bit passive. Weres, and words like them, just aren't as gripping as they could be. And in this instance, I would almost say that it's unnecessary. "before they crumpled onto the floor" would sound just as good, if not better.

"Skylar pressed a button on her visor. %u201CYou were saying?%u201D " I had to pause and backtrack a bit, here. What was he saying? Had the entire conversation been suspended for that long, and they were just going to launch back into it? I would make the pause a bit snappier. Rather than her shushing him, have her hang up on him as she reaches the corner, and then she can reinitiate contact after she takes down the guards.

"turning right and speeding to the end of the corridor"
"Without even having to slow down, the door slid open and she barreled through."
Again, I had to pause and reread for a second. The first sentence made it sound like she was already at the end of the corridor when she read the numbers, while the second reveals that she read them as she was running. Also, the second one could kind of sound like the door slid open without even having to slow down, when I know that you're trying to say Skylar didn't slow down. XD

""Through the only door in the room, I know." It opened as if in congratulation."
I liked this. I'm liking most of your dialogue, and the interaction between characters.

Oh! This is a contest entry! XD

Well, if you're trying to shave off some words, I would work on taking out a few of those passive verbs. I liked your characters, though I didn't really get that she was a pirate until I saw the prompt. I was actually leaning toward 'training exercise' or 'virtual reality game/simulator' or something.

To be honest, I wasn't really sure what was going on. A little elaboration might be nice, but I'm not sure that's my main problem with this...

An apparently attractive professional thief/treasure hunter/spy/*insert job title here*, running through a hostile fortress/space station/whatever, toting weaponry and taking down guards in pursuit of something - we don't know what, exactly - that is apparently of utmost importance. A witty, tech-savvy partner on the outside of things, in constant communication with them. Complete with jaunts through hallways that are either clean and futuristic, or scummy and sewerlike.

Not a bad plotline, exactly, and it works, but how many times have we seen this before? Like I said, it's not a bad plotline. But it is familiar, and I know that reading it made me think of all those other movies I've seen and books I've read. I didn't notice anything particularly different about this piece to really make it stand out. It's just another pro with a gun, shooting guards, exchanging banter with their partner, and going after some piece of loot.

Aside from a few things that could be clarified/tightened up, I thought this was very well done. But I'd like to see something to make it stand out more from the crowd.

Keep writing.

Maybe it's because you've shortened it, but I didn't understand the plot of the story. I did get that Skylar was in a space station, but I didn't get the impression that she was a pirate. What I did understand was that she was on some space station she shouldn't be on and she was trying to get somewhere. I didn't get who Skylar was and what her mission was. Because I didn't know her goal, I didn't feel any tension, so I didn't care whether or not she succeeded. Because of that the story seemed to drag on as she went from corridor to corridor. The only thing that kept me reading was the banter between Skylar and Logan and even that gets old after a while.

I know it's hard to fit a story into 1000 words, but if you got rid of some of the banter and traveling scenes, you might have enough words left to give more background.

Now onto the spoiler questions:
1) Yes, you should extend it so that the reader can understand what's going on. However since you're already over 1000, try getting rid of banter and some of the traveling scenes to make space.
2) The dialogue is entertaining, but after a while it gets old. Less is more.
3) Skylar is a strong female character, but in my opinion too strong. The extremely hot, perfect fighter, take down all the guys, never-can-be defeated, kick-ass cahracters are just another form of Mary-Sues. I'd like to see Skylar less perfect and more relatable. Let her make some mistakes. However, I understand that it's challenging to show strong characterization when you writing a short story, especially when you have less than 1000 words.