z

Young Writers Society


The Time Tragedy



User avatar
31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1681
Reviews: 31
Thu Jun 30, 2011 4:06 pm
spike71294 says...



Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

The eternity compass screamed, indicating that the time machine was in close affinity.
Its silver needle danced like a fly trapped in a glass dial.
10 metres, the boy deduced after calculating on his fingers.

Beep, Beep.

Beep, Beep.

Beep, Beep.

5 metres.
He looked around the wooden deck.
Only an old couple was sun-bathing, probably slumbering.
His purple, latex lab-coat fluttered in the sea wind as he took out a chewing gum from his breast pocket.
“After all these years...” he muttered, popping the chewing gum into his mouth, “I will be noticed.”
His pale face glowed in the sun as he ran his fingers through his brown hair.

Beep, Beep, Beep.

Beep, Beep, Beep.

Beep, Beep, Beep.

1 metre.
He took out the chewing gum from his mouth and stuffed it into his nostrils. And then he tapped the middle button of the lab-coat and it transformed into a diving suit, clinging tightly to his thin frame.

Beeep!

The compass shrieked in ecstasy.
Time to go, he smirked.

Splash.

The sea hit him like a frosty wall. He almost choked on the salty water which gushed into his mouth.

Breathe through your nose! he screamed in his head.

And miraculously, the water turned into oxygen as it passed through his gum-filled nostrils.
He had invented the breathing-bubblegum two years ago. He was only twelve then and the idea had came to him while eating oats for breakfast.

But the tragedy of his life was that nobody cared.
He was just fourteen -- too young to be considered a genius. The only way to be taken seriously by the adults was to be a part of them.

That will soon be achieved, he thought as his palm curled into a fist, Michael Nestien will be a legend with time in his control.

The time machine was invented by a comedian named Chiken Henslay.
Long considered as an urban legend, Michael’s eternity compass successfully picked up the time-space distortions caused by the machine.
Being the ambitious child that he was, he decided to follow the compass and now he found himself surrounded by gallons of freezing water that made his pointed nose numb.

*Click.*

He pressed the topmost button of his diving suit, and a helmet zapped around his face. He breathed a sigh of relief as the temperature control warmed up the sea water.

*Click.*

He pressed the last button and his water jet activated.

Deep...
Deeper...
Deepest...

The sea danced around him like a mystical nymph, shrouded in a thick cloak of darkness. He swam blindly in the monstrous frigidity, with all sense of time and space dissolving into that grave abyss.
But suddenly, a neon ray of blue light pierced the darkness.

The time machine! he squealed in his mind.

As he swam closer, the form of a black cubicle appeared out of the haze. It was bejewelled with lights as bright as the sun.
Near it’s door was a luminescent red button which said ‘Enter’.

*Click.*

He pressed it and the glass doors slid open.
In front of him layed a vast field of dark nothingness.
He scanned his surroundings and noticed a weak glimmer of a lamp coming from a distance.
Michael took off his suit and started to ascend towards the light.
His nose wrinkled as a myriad of smells wafted past him -- a dead rat, jelly beans, chocolates and sewage.
“Arg!” He screamed as a pair of slimy, webbed hands groped him in the dark.

“KEEP WALKING,” he screamed.

“You can do it,” he convinced himself, “just a few more steps.”

He struggled to keep himself from slipping, the pungent air made him dizzy.
He could see a blurred image of a metallic chair and table bathed in the light of the lamp hanging from above. And on the chair was perched a green-skinned woman with three tentacles spouting from her head, each holding a serpentine knife.

“Sso you want the time machine?” She hissed, her yellow eyes scanning his form.

He nodded sheepishly. She grinned, her fangs shimmering in her mouth.

“You’ll have to play a little game with me,” she said, “are you ready?”

Michael gulped. “Yes.” He trembled as he spoke, his voice barely a whisper.
The woman got up from her metal chair.
“Sit,” she commanded and Michael obeyed.

“You see thesse knivess?” She continued without a reply, “ I am going to blindfold mysself and then you’ll sspread your palm on the table. I will sstab each knife into your fingerss, if I miss twice then the time machine is yourss but if I don’t then you go empty handed.”

So my future’s going to be decided by her luck?! Michael panicked.

The woman produced a strip of cloth from underneath her chair and blindfolded herself.
Michael spread his palm.

*Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap.*
She missed.

*Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap.*
He roared.
A gash on his thumb bled profusely.
Please don’t win, he prayed.

*Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap.*
Michael waited, unsure if the knife stabbed him.
With trembling lids he opened his eyes -- he had won.

He screamed with the joy of triumph.
The woman smiled and handed him a minuscule, yellow cube.

“But how do I use it?” he asked.

“Imagine the place where you want to go. But the machine gives a person what he deserves,” she smirked.

Whatever that means, he thought.

Smiling like a baby, he pictures in his mind the world where he would’ve been an adult.

*Click.*

“But mommy!” Michael cried. “I am not a baby.”
His mother giggled.
He’s just two now, I wonder what he’ll say when he turns eighteen.
“Of course you’re not honey. Now finish your food.”
“But this is baby food.” he frowned.
“Oh no darling.” she wiped his face with the pink bib. “This will make you even bigger.”
I hate. I hate it, he cribbed, I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!
And Michael started to cry with frustration.

Spoiler! :
This is a submission for THE BIG RANDOM THEME STORY CONTEST. For the theme: A scientist in a ship at sea stealing time.
Last edited by spike71294 on Thu Jun 30, 2011 6:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





User avatar
878 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 35199
Reviews: 878
Thu Jun 30, 2011 5:19 pm
Demeter says...



Hey Spike,

You asked for a quick review, and this definitely is one - I didn't point out all the bits I might have pointed out if I had had more time to do this.

Nitpicks:

It’s silver needle danced like a fly trapped in a glass dial. 

Should be its.

10 metres, the boy deduced after some mental calculations.

"Mental calculations" sounds stiff and a little weird. Try to think of something easier.

“After all these years...” he muttered, popping the chewing gum into his mouth “I will be noticed.” 
His pale face glowed in the Sun as he ran his fingers through his brown hair. 

Period after "mouth", and why is "the sun" capitalized?

Beep,Beep,Beep. 

Remember spacing.

Peee! 

Eh… this is meant to be a sound effect, isn't it? Are you sure you don't want to have "beep" again?

The sea hit him like a frigid wall. He almost chocked on the salty water which gushed into his mouth. 
Breath through your nose! , he screamed in his head. 

Several things:
1) "frigid wall" is redundant, since most walls are frigid.
2) chocked --> choked
3) breath --> breathe
4) What's with the comma on the last line?

A gash on his thumb bled profusely. 
Please don’t win, he prayed. 

Didn't she already win if she managed to cut his thumb?


Other stuff:

- Quite a lot of your dialogue punctuation is off, so you might want to check it again. Also, there are articles on YWS about punctuation in and out of dialogue, so if you're having problems deciding how to punctuate something, you can find some of those articles or simply google "dialogue punctuation".
- Beware of repetition. There was one part where you used the word "frigid" three times within two or three paragraphs.
- You have a lot of one-line paragraphs. It's not necessarily bad, but after a while it gets a little annoying and choppy. See if you can fuse some of those very short paragraphs together.
- Overall, I have to say I was left somewhat confused. He's on a ship, suddenly he's invented breathing bubblegum, then he's invented a time machine, then there's a crazy lizard woman who wants to stab him, and the ending certainly wasn't summing any of that up - on the contrary, more like. There were too many aspects to this story, I'm afraid - if you'd had only one or two of them, this might have been interesting, but now there's just no consistency at all.

I wish you the best of luck in the contest, and just tell me if you have any questions regarding my review.


Demeter
x
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

Got YWS?
  





User avatar
374 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1147
Reviews: 374
Thu Jun 30, 2011 5:20 pm
View Likes
tgirly says...



Interesting story! Very original deffinantly. I really liked the character of the green-skinned serpant, I could picture her and kind of hear her. I would change the sentence that said "The time machine! he squelled in his mind" it's kind of strange that he's squeling in his mind. Also "Only an old couple was sun-bathing, probably slumbering." I think that "was " should be taken out, and the word "slumbering" seems a little out of place. The gum in his nose made me laugh, very strange, I liked it though.
"His nose wrinkled as a myriad of smells wafted past him -- a dead rat, jelly beans, chocolates and sewage" I really like this sentence because you rarely get to read about how a setting smells, but I would take out or change jelly beans because maybe it's just me but I don't think jelly beans actually have a smell. Also a little odd that there's a dead rat in.. the water, you could maybe change it to dead fish. You use the word "screamed" Alot in this piece so you could change a few of them, and he screams "Arg" twice so I would change the secound one to him gasping in pain or something. Oh and another thing that sort of stopped me in my tracks (while reading it) was that "Chiken" seems like a very odd name, but maybe that's how you wanted it because he's a comedian.
"But mommy!” Michael cried. “I am not a baby.” Her mother giggled." shouldn't "her" be changed to his? The ending really confused me, but maybe I just need to read it a few more times :)
My favorite part was when the green lady was trying to stab his hand I also liked the style that you used where the sounds he heard were emphasized alot (even though the beeping at the begining maybe was a bit much) Oh one last thing at the begining "Sun" probablly shouldn't be capitalized sorry for kindof jumping around with the review. I hope this helped, can't wait to read some more of your work :)
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
  





User avatar
8 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 8
Thu Jun 30, 2011 7:02 pm
Hammerofbaal says...



I enjoyed the story. It's short, quick, and to the point. I think you could go a little further into detail when you're describing things. Maybe the serpent lady's scales shimmer in such and such a way, or the gum felt like mud being shoved up his nose. What flavor was the gum to begin with? I'm just looking for things that make me feel more like I'm the one in the story instead of it being some random 14 year old boy. Beyond that I don't have any qualms that simple editing won't fix.
I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.
  








"Please put me in the quote generator whenever you like."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi