Young Writers Society

A dark force splattered the walls with gore. Elongated white remains littered the floor, that the Legionnaire deliberately trod on as he approached the two trembling women.
"So you thought you could infiltrate my fortress, steal my source of power, and waltz out, just because you hid behind the so called 'hero'?" he snarled. His voice was as cold as liquid nitrogen, unforgiving as steel, and the two women trembled before his wrath.
"You thought wrong."
Darkness swirled around him, an almost physical manifestation that filled the air with fear. A maniacal laugh, followed by two shrill screams that were suddenly muffled.
Then the moans began.

777

The Legionnaire.

Some say he was the Anti-Christ, come to rain destruction upon the earth and punish the unbelievers. (Unbelievers of what, no one was really sure, since the Legionnaire and his forces killed all in their way.)

Some say he was a demon, born from the depths of hell, his only purpose to spread carnage and chaos.

The truth of his origin, as found out by a young hacker who was killed before he could make his announcement, was much more simple.

At the age of seven, the Legionnaire and seventy other children were abducted from their homes to be used as test subjects in an supersoldier program, an effort to produce elite soldiers through mechanical and biological augmentation. Selected for their general superior genetics, all of them were stronger, faster, and smarter than the average human. Their psionic ability was off the charts; telepathy, levitation, mind control; all of them could do these. At the age of seventeen, they underwent a severe genetical augmentation process that left all of them dead, save him, the only survivor. When the scientists in charge of the project saw him for the first time after the augmentation, they were rendered speechless by a combination of fascination and horror.

His body was now that of a professional wrestler. Corded veins of muscle ran through his right arm, while his left had been entirely replaced by a bionic limb. Various implements were attached to it. A buzzsaw. An electric welder. A blowtorch. An arm cannon. A vibroblade. A sonic blaster. A nerve impulse inhabitor. These were just a few of the weapons available to him. His bones had literally grown out of his body, forming a calcium-iron exoskeleton that regenerated as it was chipped away, be it by bullet fire or natural causes. His psionic power had literally transcended his body. In post augmentation tests, he could lift a fully loaded helicopter a kilometer away using nothing but his mind, and had only gotten stronger as he got more used to his new body.

There were other, more subtle changes as well. His eyes were drained of their pigmentation, leaving only a blood red iris behind. A permanent snarl was affixed on his face, where before, he had been relatively well tempered. And the maniacal laughter flowing forth from his mouth was a clear sign to the scientists that all was not well. They quickly ordered the experiment shut down and the 'test subject' neutralized.

Of course, that didn't sit well with the Legionnaire. When they tried to kill him, he unleashed a wave of pure psionic fury that leveled the complex, leaving him free from the shackles of the body, but not of his mind. You see, he had already hypothesized that he was better than those 'normal' human beings, and killing a large number of them with so little effort had merely proven his point. Thus, he came to the conclusion that there was only one goal worth working forward to.

World domination.

777

The Legionnaire strode into his war room, wiping a small stain of blood from his mouth.

"Report."

The four figures in front of him bowed. They were his own creations, and each time he looked at them, he felt a small sense of pride. Bionic creations using dead bodies, they were the pinnacle of technology with a human brain, and a human personality, modified to remove the part of the brain that held the human conscience. All looked human; none, in effect, were.

After all, you can't kill something that is already dead.

They were the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse.

Famine. A Head Hunter, Blade Combat Specialist, Sniper Expert

Plague. A Warrior of Pestilence, Technology Expert, Poisons/Acids/Decomposition

War. A Walking Tank, Heavy Artillery Specialist

Death. A Psionic Phenom, Master Assassin.

Famine spoke first.

"Master, we have identified the last remaining bastion of the rebels." she said, raising a fist and opening it slowly. A holographic map blossomed forth, the last remaining continent on the Earth highlighted in red.

Africa.

"Well done, my brothers and sisters. Ready the troops."

"They already are, sire." said Plague in a quiet voice.

"Waiting outside the fortress, I might say." added War.

The Legionnaire grinned and moved to the balcony. Below him stretched a seething black mass of bodies. These were the men and women that had given up their humanity and joined the Legionnaire's forces, receiving genetic, bionic, and psionic implants and upgrades in return.

"Warriors!"

All movement stopped, and a million heads raised their eyes to the lone figure clad in black armor.

"Warriors, gather round! There will be no retreat, no surrender; that is our law. "

He pointed out into the distance.

"Those people outside our walls, they know NOTHING of us! They judge us by out appearances, they kicked us and spat on us; they made us their slaves. BUT NO LONGER! Today, we shall bring an end to them. An end to sadness. An end to anger. An end to envy. Today, my warriors, we hope that they have had a good breakfast, for tonight, they will dine in HELL!"

Cheers erupted from the crowd below, and he stepped back, smiling in satisfaction. Three horsemen had already left, leaving only Death.
The Legionnaire turned to her, still smiling.
"What is it?"
Death stepped forward, brushing her lips across his face, before looking from him to the door to the bedroom longingly.
"Later." he chuckled, placing his metal hand on the metallic skull half of her face.
Death pouted, stepped back through the curtain, and was gone, joining the other Horsemen on the frontline.
The Legionnaire smiled. Soon, the inferior race would be crushed. And Earth would be pure once again.

Hi,

Oh my goodnss! I love this! It is brilliant!There were many gammar mistakes. For example:

His body was now that of a professional wrestler. Corded veins of muscle ran through his right arm, while his left had been entirely replaced by a bionic limb. Various implements were attached to it. A buzzsaw. An electric welder. A blowtorch. An arm cannon. A vibroblade. A sonic blaster. A nerve impulse inhabitor. These were just a few of the weapons available to him. His bones had literally grown out of his body, forming a calcium-iron exoskeleton that regenerated as it was chipped away, be it by bullet fire or natural psionic power had literally transcended his body. In post augmentation tests, he could lift a fully loaded helicopter a kilometer away, and had only gotten stronger as he got more used to his new body.

How did his arm get replaced so fast? When listing things, use commas, don't make them seperate sentences. This was my favorite paragraph. I did note how you used the word augmentation a few times. Maybe you could've used a few different words? That's just personal preference. I love how you had him and Death have a thing. Surprising yet not. There was one sentence I had a deal with.

His bones had literally grown out of his body, forming a calcium-iron exoskeleton that regenerated as it was chipped away, be it by bullet fire or natural psionic power had literally transcended his body.

That sntence really didn't make any sense as a whole. I understood it up until ' had literally transcended his body.' That piece of the sentence really didn't fit in. I loved your vocab, too. Overall, this was really good. Congradulations on writing such a fantastic piece.

Farewell,
A.

I love syfy and this is really good! A bit "done before" maybe but thats okay. Bravo!

By the way, if I'm listing things and trying to be dramatic, I use seperate sentancess instead of commas, to.
Sincerely,
Your friend. Fello writer. Reviwer of your work.
Hopeispeace.

I like this story a lot. Actually, this is an awesome story. I can't wait to read what happens next.

Today, my warriors, we hope that they have had a good breakfast, for tonight, they will dine in HELL!"

I like this line.

Hey there Kaijudospartan! =P I think I do owe you a review from somewhere-

Alright, I say, this is a great piece of work here, the first line caught my attention good. I quote the below however,

"His voice was as cold as liquid nitrogen, unforgiving as steel, and the two women trembled before his wrath."

I think after his speech, phrasing it this way:
"... he snarled, his voice as cold as liquid nitrogen, and as unforgiving as steel made the two women tremble before his wrath." might sound slightly better. That's just personal opinion, however.

I quote this bit, too

His body was now that of a professional wrestler. Corded veins of muscle ran through his right arm, while his left had been entirely replaced by a bionic limb. Various implements were attached to it. A buzzsaw. An electric welder. A blowtorch. An arm cannon. A vibroblade. A sonic blaster. A nerve impulse inhabitor. These were just a few of the weapons available to him. His bones had literally grown out of his body, forming a calcium-iron exoskeleton that regenerated as it was chipped away, be it by bullet fire or natural causes. His psionic power had literally transcended his body. In post augmentation tests, he could lift a fully loaded helicopter a kilometer away using nothing but his mind, and had only gotten stronger as he got more used to his new body.

It's quite a lengthy description, rather interesting, but I found myself needing a dictionary to get through. Might want to take note of the usage of certain rarer words there.

Aside from the above, some of the points have already been pointed out by the others. I don't spot anymore... errors. (Perhaps because I'm sort of blind at the moment, reviewing this late in the night, you know me =P)

Cheers!
-Samp

Kaijudospartan wrote:A dark force Not enough. Metaphorical dark, or literal dark? What kind of force? splattered the walls with gore. Elongated white remains Are these human remains? This would explain the gore, and the fact that the Legionnaire "deliberately trod upon" them. But it would not explain why they're white. Remains of dead humans aren't white. littered the floor, that the Legionnaire deliberately trod on uponas he approached the two trembling women.
(space)
"So you thought you could infiltrate my fortress, steal my source of power, and waltz out, just because you hid behind the so called 'hero'? Doesn't work for me. The fact that two women would be the ones chosen to carry out such a high-risk mission is completely unrealistic. Also, I have no details with which I can determine what is going on, why this scene was eximious enough to start off your story, and whether or not it is significant at all. If it exists purely for metaphorical purposes which I cannot decipher (The only things I'm getting is the facts that there are two women, which could represent innocence, and that this innocence hid behind a stronger force. The metaphor is beautifully intricate, and a commend you on that, but I find no place for it in the context given. Perhaps you could clarify this a bit.), then you should at least portray this metaphor in a way that does not cause your storyline to become this unbalanced. " he snarled. His voice was as cold as liquid nitrogen, unforgiving as steel, and the two women trembled Yeah. Clearly, they do quite a lot of trembling. before his wrath.
"You thought wrong." While I respect the fact that you wanted to separate this from the rest of the paragraph in order to dramatize it, grammar says otherwise. They should be joined.
(space here)
Darkness swirled around him, an almost physical manifestation that filled the air with fear Not sure what this endeavors to accomplish except to make your scene even more clichéd. . A maniacal laugh, followed by two shrill screams that were suddenly muffled.
(space here)
Then the moans began. People don't tend to let out involuntary moans after they die. Keep in mind that we don't yet know that they turn into zombies or whatever; perhaps you could instead hint at this. Moans could mean anything.

777

The Legionnaire.

Some say he was the Anti-Christ, come to rain destruction upon the earth and punish the unbelievers. (Unbelievers of what, no one was really sure, since the Legionnaire and his forces killed all in their way.) ...Morbid humor? Or a weird attempt at morbid humor?

Some say he was a demon, born from the depths of hell, his only purpose to spread carnage and chaos. Why are these all Christian-related assumptions? Not that I'm anti-Christian or anything, but you have to keep in mind that there are people in the world who aren't Christian. Would they think that he's the Anti-Christ, or that he came from Hell?

The truth of his origin, as found out by a young hacker who was killed before he could make his announcement, was much more simple. More simple? How is it in any way simpler?

At the age of seven, the Legionnaire and seventy other children were abducted from their homes to be used as test subjects in an a supersoldier program, an effort to produce elite soldiers through mechanical and biological augmentation. Selected for their general superior genetics, all of them were stronger, faster, and smarter than the average human You make it sound as if they are already superhuman, before the test even began. . Their psionic ability was off the charts Of course it's off the charts! No human in history could ever perform such powers. ; telepathy, levitation, mind control - all of them could do these. At the age of seventeen, they underwent a severe genetical augmentation process that left all of them dead, save him, the only survivor. When the scientists in charge of the project saw him for the first time after the augmentation, they were rendered speechless by a combination of fascination and horror.

His body was now that of a professional wrestler Really? Do professional wrestlers possess bionic limbs with blowtorches attached to them? . Corded veins of muscle ran through his right arm, while his left had been entirely replaced by a bionic limb. Various implements were attached to it. A buzzsaw. An electric welder. A blowtorch. An arm cannon. A vibroblade. A sonic blaster. A nerve impulse inhabitor. You really don't have to go through every little weapon that the Legionnaire has up his sleeve. It gets tedious for the reader, especially considering we don't know what half of them are anyway. These were just a few of the weapons available to him. His bones had literally grown out of his body, forming a calcium-iron exoskeleton that regenerated as it was chipped away, be it by bullet fire or natural causes. His psionic power had literally transcended his body. In post augmentation tests, he could lift a fully loaded helicopter a kilometer away using nothing but his mind, and had only gotten stronger as he got more used to his new body.

There were other, more subtle changes as well. His eyes were drained of their pigmentation, leaving only a blood red iris behind. A permanent snarl was affixed on his face, where before, he had been relatively well tempered Permanent snarls don't necessarily entail bad temperament. Also, if he had been well tempered before the augmentation, then you should mention that the experiment had altered his mind as well, because he is quite clearly not well tempered now. . And the maniacal laughter flowing forth from his mouth was a clear sign to the scientists that all was not well. They quickly ordered the experiment shut down and the 'test subject' neutralized.

Of course, that didn't sit well with the Legionnaire. When they tried to kill him, he unleashed a wave of pure psionic fury that leveled the complex, leaving him free from the shackles of the body, but not of his mind. You see, he had already hypothesized From Dictionary.com, "hypothesis" means "a proposition, or set of propositions, set forth as an explanation for the occurrence of some specified group of phenomena...accepted as highly probable in the light of established facts." But he's not merely making an educated guess. He's making an assertive contention that he is, in fact, better than any human life form. that he was better than those 'normal' human beings, and killing a large number of them with so little effort had merely proven his point. Thus, he came to the conclusion that there was only one goal worth working forward to.

World domination.

777

The Legionnaire strode into his war room, wiping a small stain of blood from his mouth I'd like to know exactly where and how he got this blood on his mouth? .

"Report."

The four figures in front of him bowed. They were his own creations, and each time he looked at them, he felt a small sense of pride. Bionic creations using dead bodies, they were the pinnacle of technology [with a human brain] Needs work. This implies that they are the pinnacle of technology that possesses human brains, not that it is them in particular who possess the brain. , and a human personality, modified to remove the part of the brain that held the human conscience. All looked human; none, in effect So it's because of the fact that they look human that they aren't human? How does this make sense? , were.

After all How does this in any way connect with the statement prior? Consider what you've just written: None of them were human. After all, you can't kill something that's already dead. , you can't kill something that is already dead.

They were the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse.

Famine. A Head Hunter, Blade Combat Specialist, Sniper Expert.

Plague. A Warrior of Pestilence, Technology Expert, Poisons/Acids/Decomposition.

War. A Walking Tank, Heavy Artillery Specialist.

Death. A Psionic Phenom, Master Assassin.

Famine spoke first.

"Master, we have identified the last remaining bastion of the rebels." she said, raising a fist and opening it slowly. A holographic map blossomed forth, the last remaining continent on the Earth highlighted in red.

Africa.

"Well done, my brothers and sisters. Ready the troops."

"They already are We already have, sire." said Plague in a quiet voice.

"Waiting outside the fortress, I might say." added War.

The Legionnaire grinned and moved to the balcony. Below him stretched a seething black mass of bodies. These were the men and women that had given up their humanity and joined the Legionnaire's forces, receiving genetic, bionic, and psionic implants and upgrades in return.

"Warriors!"

All movement stopped, and a million A million? I think this just might be overkill. This is what a million people looks like. heads raised their eyes to the lone figure clad in black armor.

"Warriors, gather round! There will be no retreat, no surrender; that is our law. "

He pointed out into the distance.

"Those people outside our walls, they know NOTHING of us! They judge us by out our appearances, they kicked us and spat on us If they judged them by their appearances, kicked them, and spat on them, then wouldn't they know something of them? ; they made us their slaves They made the Legionnaire and his million-head army their slaves? Exactly how did that work? . BUT NO LONGER! Today, we shall bring an end to them. An end to sadness. An end to anger. An end to envy. Today, my warriors, we hope that they have had a good breakfast, for tonight, they will dine in HELL!"

Cheers erupted from the crowd below, and he stepped back, smiling in satisfaction. Three horsemen had already left, leaving only Death.
(space here)
The Legionnaire turned to her, still smiling What's that? Smiling? What about that permanent snarl that was supposed to be affixed on his face? .
(space here)
"What is it?"
(space here)
Death stepped forward, brushing her lips across his face, before looking from him to the door to the bedroom longingly Hmm. I find it interesting that such an incredibly inhuman creature would want to engage in such a notoriously human activity as sex. I find it even more interesting that it is Death that would want to take part in it, because sex is so contradictory to death - it is what brings forth life. What could this mean? .
(space here)
"Later." he chuckled, placing his metal hand on the metallic skull half of her face.
(space here)
Death pouted, stepped back through the curtain, and was gone, joining the other Horsemen on the front line.
(space here)
The Legionnaire smiled. Soon, the inferior race would be crushed. And Earth would be pure once again.

It feels like I'm always overly critical when I write nitpick reviews, even for superb pieces such as this. I'm very sorry if you found me overly critical.

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-Kafka