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Zombie.0



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Wed Jul 20, 2011 5:52 pm
FutureAstronaut says...



The zombie walked up, his clothes ripped and detaching from his body. Drake looked up, staring into the creature's eyes. Finally, he got a good look at them. He looked away, unable to maintain eye contact with the deformed human solid white eyes. Looking up to strike it, Drake was entranced by them. He saw something trying to take control over the endless white that consumed the pupil of their eyes.
He was just checking over his parents zoo for then before going to an airsoft war with his friends. Then he was attacked by the unknown lab experiment of unknown origin.
Breaking contact, Drake lifted up his pick-axe and swung sideways, steel colliding with the unknown thing. The pick was lodged into the skull, a sickly yellow substance oozing out to the ground. Quickly dislodging his pick-axe, Drake lifted his airsoft M4A1 and released a spray of pellets into the monster’s face, or what used to be it’s face, and was now a brown and yellow mess. The pellets did nothing but to disappear into the mess, not even pausing the zombie.
Drake screamed, stumbling as he ran backwards. He pulled out the napalm grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it with all of his remaining strength. It arced through the air, falling behind the zombie- then detonated.
Nothing but smoke came out.
Drake turned back- running towards the survivors’ stronghold to get more ammunition. He took a risky glance behind him while running and saw a group of the human-like monsters walking towards him. He dove through the door of the survivors' weapon cache- then sprang up, grabbing a cattle-prod off the wall and swinging it around. Kicking open the door, Drake clicked the trigger and sent a blaze of electricity toward the zombies lumbering after him. The zombies convulsed, falling on the cement- finally lying still.
Drake lunged, swinging a steel pipe he ripped off the wall in a downward motion and separating head from torso on the one that had survived.
“Oh my God! What was that? Was that one of the monsters they've been telling us about on the news?” Drake screeched, falling to the ground in exhaustion. His relaxation was cut short, though, by a zombie breaking through his door.
The door splintered, sending shards of shrapnel into the air, exploding like fireworks. Drake rolled away, grabbing the prod off the ground after throwing the pipe towards the nearest nightmare. Then he shoved the prod into the monstrosity’s chest, pushing the button. The zombie exploded due to the setting Drake had it set on, spreading flaming body parts in the air.
A red light blinked on the prod: low charge. Drake dropped the prod and ran outside, grabbing another pick-axe on his way out, it can't run out of battery. He knew that he had to reach the police office, he knew that had the training and equipment to help him stop the beasts.
He stopped as a wail shattered the eerie silence. All the animals were still as he paced through the zoo. When the wailing paused, he didn’t want to risk being attacked again by the humanoid monster- and ran out of the zoo.
As he sprinted, he ran into yet another Zombie.0. In seconds he was back on his way, pick-axe buried in the monstrosity’s chest. He ran on, glancing back to see if any more were chasing him. Not that it mattered, as they seemed extremely slow and clumsy. He bolted into the police station, yelling: “Police Officer Davis! I need help- these abominations got into the zoo!”
“Drake! Are you okay?!” Officer Davis yelled, running out of his office while buttoning his shirt and throwing on his police cap.
“Yes, sir. I'm okay- I was cleaning up after hours for my parents- when I was attacked. Luckily, I managed to grab a pick-axe from the old mining supply store. I was just about done, and was about to leave and have an airsoft war so I had my gun on me which helped me kill some of them. Eventually, I threw a napalm grenade at the monster- but it malfunctioned- no fiery explosion for the undead,” Drake retold bitterly, wincing at the memory of almost becoming one of them. “Okay; was there anyone else in the zoo at the time?” Davis asked- fear spreading over his face like a rash.
“No, but I heard a moaning sound coming from across the zoo.” Drake replied, anger showing in his voice, the wail in the zoo springing to his mind. Officer Davis stood up, brushing invisible crumbs off his pants. He started to walk out the door, when suddenly, the wail began again.
Drake froze, then turned around without a sound. He looked at the officer, an expression of fear now plastered to his face like the wet hair on his head- that was bad. Davis drew his pistol and tossed it to Drake- who caught it by the handle. He spun on his heel, pulling up the gun and aiming it to the lock. Davis walked out, emerging back a minute later toting a hulking machine gun- “This will kill that beast!” He roared, using the sights he aimed and clicking off the safety with a pop.
Last edited by FutureAstronaut on Thu Jul 21, 2011 1:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Wed Jul 20, 2011 5:55 pm
FutureAstronaut says...



This is part of the prolouge, all I have done so far
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Wed Jul 20, 2011 7:03 pm
LadyPurple says...



Hmm. You're fairly new :D so I guess I'll go ahead and say welcome to YWS! Time to get cracking...I'll be nice.
His happiness was short lived though due to the zombie breaking down his door.

This is hard to follow.
Drake rolled forward, shoving the prod into the zombies chest. Pushing the button, the zombie exploded, body parts flying through the sky.

The word "zombies" needs an apostrophe. Either before or after the "s" I'm not sure...
Sorry I couldn't be too helpful. But it's all I can find. Overall, the story is interesting and I look forward to the rest. :)
~LP
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Sat Jul 23, 2011 12:28 am
JSon says...



Okay, I love zombie flicks, although I've never read a zombie paperback, but I like the human story that usually underlies the best of the "Zombie Apocalypse" plotlines. It may not be the type of story you're writing, but if you are planning on incorporating a human struggle (at least I would appreciate it :) ) then the first chapter (if this isn't the first chapter as it appears, though you've named it the prologue) should build on that protagonist, maybe portray his normal life? Just a suggestion, if that's what you're going for.

With this just being the prologue (which nicely throws us right into the action) I wonder what the first chapter will deal with? Writers tend to avoid including their protagonist in the prologue, and often its a convention used in fictional pieces to provide a background for the main story - "world building" in terms of fantasy/science fiction conventions. The first chapter tends to be where the immediate action is at, at least in science fiction stories, but then bending conventions is always rewarding in fiction when approached the right way so just make sure that this piece you've posted isn't necessarily a possible candidate for chapter one.

So is this outbreak of "Zombie.0" originating from an event involving this prologue's protagonist? Or the Zoo/local area? I think the zoo is an interesting setting for holding up in a zombie apocalypse - two words: zombie penguins. I like the original ideas in this (the airsoft gun included).

The style of writing you use for this genre is appropriate - you effectively portray the events that are occurring in the story, but like the first reviewer said, in some areas your expression is a little frazzling, so just try re-wording it so that when you say it out loud, it isn't jarring or confusing.

All in all so far it's an action science fiction story, and who doesn't love splattered zombie and running around with "prods"? Looking forward to the first chapter (or chapter two?).

Keep writing.
Thanks, J
  





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Sun Jul 24, 2011 4:23 pm
EscapeThat says...



Judging by the tone of this story the outbreak is already well established and the humans have to find a way to coexist with the zombies, this could be a theme that you explore further (You might be interested in the story "Feed" by Mira Grant which explores a similar scenario). I would aslo suggest that you decide the nature of your zombies before you go any further, are they mindless eating machines or are they more intellectual hunters with an alterior motive? The latter could be a more interesting twist on the classic zombie tale. It's important when writing about something as popular as zombies or vampires that you establish your own special mark on the story or it can come off as trite.

Lots of nice little details here and certainly sounds like its going to be a fast paced, action packed story so keep at it, try to think "original", explore the genre a bit and try to re-read things from the readers point of view to ensure things run smoothly.
  





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Tue Jul 26, 2011 5:10 pm
cookEmonster says...



This is really good! But maybe add some more emotion to your writing?
Like was fear gripping his heart or something like that. I didn't read the other comments so sorry if I just repeated what they said hahah. But over all, great job! I really like it!

-CookEmonster
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Mon Aug 01, 2011 2:17 pm
GeneralKaseyDaBomd says...



THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART:

-The zombie walked up, his clothes ripped and detaching from his body. Drake looked up, staring into the creature's eyes. Finally, he got a good look at them. He looked away, unable to maintain eye contact with the deformed human solid white eyes. Looking up to strike it, Drake was entranced by them. He saw something trying to take control over the endless white that consumed the pupil of their eyes.-
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Sat Aug 06, 2011 3:15 pm
zencherry says...



I LOVE zombie flicks and stories!! The thing is, it is really hard to make a good one. You have to be super carefull not to make it cheesy, and you have to give the story TONS of emotion. Make it sophiscated and tastefull...even if it is about blood and guts. By the way, have you ever seen "The Walking Dead"? It is a new series on AMC. It is spectacular...if you are in to zombies, you would love it. Even if you don't like zombies or horror, you would STILL love it! It might give you some inspiration too...Good luck! Keep writing, you have some good stuff here!! :)
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Sat Aug 06, 2011 8:20 pm
apple96 says...



Hi welcome to YWS I'm apple :)

Right I did like this prologue because it drops the reader straight into the action and does leave them wanting more. However, I had a problem with the first paragraph because it was really repetitive. I don't know whether you wanted it like that for some sort of specific impact but to me the words looked and up were used too many times. It made the opening sound quite awkward.

Other than that I liked it and want to read more :)
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Fri Aug 26, 2011 6:21 pm
Lothbrok says...



Overall i enjoyed the story as i've always been a fan of zombie things, though i do have a slight quibble with this line
“Oh my God! What was that? Was that one of the monsters they've been telling us about on the news?”
It just doesn't seem to me like something someone would say if they were just by themselves.
On a side note seeing the word zombie seemed a bit strange to me, there's nothing wrong with it it's just that most things involving zombies these days seem to want to avoid the word like a plague.
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Sun Aug 28, 2011 3:11 am
Ranger Hawk says...



Hello! Hawk here for a review.

All right, so I'm really excited by the prospect of a zombie apocalypse novel -- I'm a huge zombie fan and will read just about any type of story concerning them. :D I think you've got a good idea here and it's already gotten into the action, which I like. However, I think the way you tell this story could use some tweaking.

For starters, there's a lot of confusion all throughout the post. This could be cleared up with some rewording. Let me show you an example:
He was just checking over his parents zoo for then before going to an airsoft war with his friends. Then he was attacked by the unknown lab experiment of unknown origin.

Whoa there! You were just describing in the previous paragraph the way the zombie's eyes were entrancing. Now you're explaining where Drake is and how he got there? Definitely threw me off and I wasn't sure what that had to do with the action that was going on right then and there. When you're in an action scene, it's best to carry it out and give your explanations and such during a breather period, when the character's not fighting and is able to think, talk, etc.

You should also try to organize your thoughts a little better. You end up repeating yourself in different places, like the first paragraph. You don't need a lot of words to show that Drake looks up into the zombie's eyes and is fascinated with the way it looks all milky and such. Don't use any unnecessary words! Wordiness can really clog a story up and slow down the flow and rhythm of reading it. And when you're writing an action-filled story, you really do not want to impede any sort of flow in your narrative.

Now, something that I didn't quite understand in your story was Drake's arsenal of weapons. How does he end up with a bunch of axes and grenades and such that he ends up using to fight the zombies? He's certainly not carrying them all around, right? That would be unusual, unless this is normal procedure for anyone walking around town because of the zombies. But I'm getting the impression that the zombies are a novelty, and that people aren't going to be on alert and gung-ho with carrying their weapons around. So how does Drake obtain these weapons? They're not something you'd expect to conveniently find in the middle of the street.

All right, so that's all I'm going to say now. Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot. Keep on writing! I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this story.

God bless,
~Hawk
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Sun Aug 28, 2011 7:15 pm
Narnialover4ever1 says...



Oooh really dramatic! I liked it! I'm glad this is only the prolouge because I can't wait for more! Good job and keep writing! :D
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Sat Sep 17, 2011 4:32 pm
DJnightmare says...



hello all! haha im new to the site and was looking around to find some ideas for what im planning to be a short story and found this gotta say love the zombie theme.Unfortunatly, though i cant help with much since everything i found wrong has already been comented on.
  








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