Spoiler! :
One can't be blamed for what one says and does when one has no brain. It's difficult to fully understand the importance of this extra matter shoved into one's head, so most people forego the operation in lieu of a lighter, freer feeling of having nothing but air between their ears.
I decided on that fateful Brain Day that I would just sleep in like I did most times. After all, if you get a brain you have very little excuse for doing stupid things and I enjoyed being stupid. My next door neighbor got a brain three weeks ago and now he looks sad.
He said he started to realize all the things that weren't right in his life. He said that he had to give up going to bars and staying up 'til the odd hours of the night. I like the extra buzz that alcohol gives me and comic books don't read themselves, so I told him that it was alright for him, but I'd keep doing fun stuff.
He looked at me in a surprised manner, "But Harold, if you drink too much you might die. Also, reading at night has the dual detriments of causing eye strain and sleep deprivation, which can't be reversed."
"Hey, we all die eventually, Herbert; i might as well live a little until then."
"Harold, you have to stop; it's not good for you."
"Hey, you have no right to say what's good for me or not. You do what you want to do and I'll do what I want to do. Fair?"
He shook his head, but said nothing more.
It used to be that everyone got brains, and you didn't get to choose whether to get one or not, but the brainless of us started complaining and they told us we didn't have to get brains if we didn't want to.
My dad had a brain, but mom married him and hid it somewhere in the house. I saw it in the crawlspace once, but I never told anyone. It is a small, squishy thing with little ridges running all over it. It looked up at me with pleading eyes when I found it, but I thought it looked gross, so I just left it.
I see brains out in the street sometimes. People sometimes don't know what to do with them after they get them, so they discard them and return to brainlessness.
I hear them whispering sometimes and I wish someone would find a better way to dispose of them.
As I said, I sleep in most Brain Days. There is no mandatory work on these days and people generally spend the time exercising their brains. I see people running down the street, followed or led by a huge, ridged brain. It's a little funny watching it, so every once in awhile I'll go outside and sit on a bench to watch people. Sometimes brains will be tethered, so people get tripped up and sprawl on the sidewalk. It's really funny.
I didn't want to watch people that day, so I decided to go to a strip club. Bars are closed on Brain Day, so I have to go to the next best thing.
I was going past the park when I was suddenly accosted by a brain. Usually when they're left alone they are tied to stationary objects or dumped in the river in a sack, but occasionally they'll just be left on the ground to die. Sometimes when this happens they'll try to crawl back to their people, but most times nobody opens the door when they start scratching at it.
This one, however, leapt at me, screaming, "You gotta help me, man! My person dropped me off here to play and wander around a bit, but now I can't find her!"
I backed away from the weird little creature and said, "Hey, stay away from me; I don't want a brain. I don't need a brain. I don't like brains and if I'm seen with one it'll ruin my street cred."
"Come on, man! You gotta help me! I won't force myself on you or anything, I promise. I'll even stay a safe distance away. I'm just really worried about my girl; she might do something really bad without me!"
"Is that what you do? Do you judge people's actions as good and bad? That's not very nice."
"She's gonna kill somebody, man! A no-brainer, like you!"
"Wait, she discarded you so she could kill someone?"
"Yes! Well, I hope not, but she seemed down yesterday and she gave me a sad little wave when she dropped me off. She's been thinking about it a lot, so I'm really worried."
"What did this person do to her?"
"Nothing! She's gonna kill him just because she's creeped out by him."
Even I couldn't argue with that; it's a universal rule that you should have a really good reason if you're going to kill someone. I looked at the brain, shuffling back and forth on its little tentacles, and felt a little nudge somewhere deep inside. Reluctantly, I said, "Alright, I'll take you to your girl if it's close by and..."
I didn't get a chance to finish; the brain threw itself at me and hugged my leg, weeping tears of joy. I tried to keep the bile from rising as I picked it up and started off.
The brain told me which ways to turn and, after awhile, my feet started hurting from overuse. Usually I only walk to the bar or strip club, since the buses don't go to that part of town and I never have enough money for a car, so this much exercise was grueling for me. I rested frequently.
During one such rest, I asked the brain who its girl was going to kill.
It looked at me briefly, then turned away and said, "A baby."
"Wait, what? Why would she want to kill a baby?"
"It's not born yet; she's going to get an abortion."
I barked a humorless laugh, unbelieving that I'd wasted all this time for a routine medical operation. "You said it was a person, brain."
"It is!"
"No, people are humans. Fetuses, however, aren't human until they're born. Anytime before that and they can be anything."
"That's not true; at any point from conception to birth a fetus can be verified as a living human being."
"They don't breathe until they're born, though."
"The heart starts beating eighteen days after conception."
"So what about before then!?"
"Well, duh, the heart hasn't fully developed yet. Unless something goes horribly wrong, it starts beating and everything else starts building around it."
"Yeah, things go wrong sometimes; you admitted it."
"Well, sure. Sometimes there are ectopic pregnancies or the cord gets wrapped around the throat or any number of things. Babies are in danger a lot. That doesn't mean they should be aborted; they're still humans and as such should have a shot at life. It's not as if there have been people born who aren't people. It always follows the same pattern. If you had a brain, I wouldn't have to explain it to you."
"I'm not going any farther. It's your girl's choice, not yours. Besides, I have to get home."
"Why do you need to get home?"
I didn't have a good answer. I didn't have any new comics to read and I'd be too tired to have fun at the strip club, besides that I was curious about what this girl looked like.
I stopped myself. I was coming up with reasons for taking the brain to its girl.
The brain was looking at me when I came out of my thoughts. I felt another nudge in my belly and looked down, wondering what it was.
The brain spoke, "I have an idea. If you take me to my girl, I'll ask her to get you some food and drive you back home. You won't have to walk so much and you'll get some free food."
I thought about this, then said, "I have a better idea. You tell me where she is and I'll tell her you're here. That way she has a choice and it's not just you telling her what to do."
"But if I'm not with her, she might..."
"She might do what she wants to do? Is there anything wrong with that?"
The brain sighed. "Fine, go ahead and tell her I'm looking for her and I'll be here if she wants me."
I nodded, "Where is she?"
The brain told me where she was, turn by turn, and I had to write it down. It looked sad, but resigned to its fate on the curb. I left it there, wondering if its girl would return.
Of course she wouldn't. Nobody who's gotten rid of their brain ever wants it back; those things are nothing but trouble.
I found the family planning center pretty easily. If nothing else, the brain knew how to make directions stick. There were lots of girls there and I looked over them carefully, trying to remember what the brain had said she looked like.
I got the feeling it had exaggerated its description somewhat; it said she had, "Hair like the sun's dying light, green eyes like the deepest trench of the oceans, skin the color of gold-flecked marble..." I'd interrupted the brain at that point and asked if it had anything distinctive about her aside from all the light, water and stone she was carrying around. "She wears pink glasses and was wearing a blue blouse today."
That made it a little easier. I quickly found a girl wearing pink glasses and a blue shirt. She had red hair, green eyes and lots of freckles on her pale skin. She was sitting in a chair near the entrance and I casually walked up to her.
"Lois?" I asked.
She looked up, surprised, "Yes, my name's Lois. Who are you?"
"Oh, your brain sent me. It says that it's there if you want it."
She blinked a couple times and said in a shaky voice, "Really? My brain is...here?"
"Well, it's not here, it's a little ways away. I convinced it you needed to make your own decisions here and it shouldn't butt in."
"My brain was looking for me?"
"Yeah. It was a bit overprotective, I thought."
"Where is it? I want to see it."
"Why?"
"Because I'm making a horrible mistake and I need it."
I shrugged, "Meh, you can live without a brain."
"Where. Is. It?"
"OK, fine, I'll take you to your brain. Just promise me you'll think about what you're doing."
She nodded and I took her to her brain. It had curled up with its eyes closed next to an oak tree and was shivering, even though it was warm out. I felt something poke me in the stomach and, again, I wondered what it was.
Lois approached her brain tentatively. "Brain?" she asked, hesitating.
The brain opened one eye, then the other and slowly uncurled. "Lois? Have you come back for me, darling?"
"Well," Lois toed the earth nervously and surveyed her shoes, "if that's alright, Brain. If you'll have me, that is."
The brain crept up to her and said, "My dear, I would never leave you for all the world. I am always here for you."
Lois dropped to the ground, picked up her brain and hugged it fiercely. "I'm sorry, Brain, I should have listened to you."
The brain wrapped its tentacles around her waist and patted her back gently with a few of them, "It's alright; you're here now and that's all I care about."
They were like that for an uncomfortably long time. I wondered what was so great about having a brain anyway. Finally, Lois took her brain and boosted it up to her ear. It crawled back inside without much further ado, pausing only to wave at me before disappearing from sight.
Lois stood and the glare from the setting sun caught in her hair, lighting it on fire. She noticed me standing there, looking awkward, and blushed. "So, my brain tells me you might be hungry and need a ride home." She said, smiling, "Where would you like to eat?"
We went for burgers and fries. Lois didn't talk much and I didn't have a lot to say. I wanted to ask her about herself and, strangely, her brain, but I didn't know why and couldn't think of anything specific; I just wanted to know everything.
I shook my head as I thought this; I was having lots of strange thoughts that day.
We got in her car, I told her where i lived and she dropped me off. As she was leaving, she said, "Harold?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you for bringing me back my brain; I appreciate it."
I shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot, considering how little I'd wanted to take her brain back to her. "Don't mention it."
She smiled, "You have a nice brain, Harold. It's small, but I think it has potential."
As she drove off, I stood there, stunned. I thought about running and telling her I didn't have a brain, but the more I thought of it, I did. I'd always had a brain, but I'd never realized it.
I felt something poking at me and, without thinking, tipped my head to one side and poured my brain out my ear. It was indeed small, and thinking of it having been in my head, I shuddered. Looking at that tiny, shivering lump in my hand, however, I felt something other than revulsion. It looked kinda cute, in an odd way. It wore a very serious face and its big eyes stared up at me solemnly.
"Hi." I said, "Are you my brain?"
It blinked and nodded.
"Can you talk?"
It wiggled back and forth in what I assumed was a negative motion.
"Well." I wasn't sure what to do about that. Most Brain Centers were open late, so I could try going to one of them. I thought about my street cred. I'd never get any respect from anyone if I showed up at a Brain Center. Come to think of it, though, I didn't get any respect anyway.
I looked down at my brain and weighed it in my hand. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad to see about taking care of my brain. After all, I could just get rid of it if I didn't like it. Then again, sometimes doing things you don't like initially is rewarding.
I put my brain back up to my head and it slithered into my ear. I wondered briefly if I'd ever get used to that feeling.
Probably not, but I could live with that.
Spoiler! :
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