Young Writers Society

A hand ran through dirty blonde hair as a sixteen year old girl walked down the streets of New York City. Dull, bored, crystal, blue eyes flickered back and forth as she tried to make out this once proud, known city. It was the year 2013. A year after the world was supposed to "end". The world didn't end; however, it was plagued with nuclear war and poverty. Citizens seemed to live in the streets more so in homes that were once magnificent skyscrapers. Snow glistened on the ground as she walked past. It was just past the middle of winter. Fires were lit for miles for families to keep warm. Her dirty, baggy clothes allowed her to blend into the city. Her hole ridden jeans dragged dirt through the streets as they were too long for her. Feet wet, water snuck through the small holes in her white sneakers. The only thing keeping her warm was the long sleeved black shirt and the blue scarf wrapped around her neck. She had no fancy jacket or gloves to keep her warm. She had started walking around because the weather was getting to her.

"The air had been stagnant, cold, and dead."

These words were heard in the sky above. She looked up, trying to look for a speaker of some kind. There was nothing. Sighing, the sixteen year old continued to walk down Broadway. This once crowded street was now deserted. No shows, bands, or Broadway plays played here anymore. Nobody had the money to see these shows. They eventually died out for this reason. A child wailed as she looked over at them. It was a baby, nearly six months old, with no clothing to keep it warm. The girl looked at her blue scarf. She walked over to the parents and handed them her precious scarf. They thanked her kindly as she nodded. She continued on her journey. She was set to find something that wasn't desolate in this godforsaken city.

Nearly four hours later, the girl finally got to her destination. Smiling, she walked over to the group of people. They were smiling, laughing and enjoying themselves. No, they didn't have a fancy house, or something to keep them warm. Heck, they didn't have a house at all. This was her "family". Her real family had died in a nuclear bombing when she was just a child. She smiled sadly as she remembered that particular day.

"There was nothing …"

Sirens resounded as parents tried to get their children into bunkers before the bombing started. A little girl with brightly lit crystal blue eyes ran around trying to find her parents. She had lost them in the crowd of people who were running to bunkers. Tears streamed out of the corner of her eyes. They were nowhere to be found.

"Mommy," she choked. "Daddy."

"Gail," called her neighbor. "Gail, get into my bunker. There is enough room for you!"

She shook her head, refusing to go into any bunker until her parents came to get her. Her neighbor sighed and ran out to get the stubborn little girl. Gail tried to run away. Her neighbor just grabbed her when the nuclear bombs were dropped. Her neighbor covered the frightened child. When it was all over, both of them were covered in debris. Her parents didn't make it to the bunker in time.

She lowered her face. Her bangs were covering her eyes. She didn't need her "family" seeing her cry. One of them looked up at her. His red eyes widen as he saw tears drip down to the ground. Walking to her, he wrapped his arms around the crying girl.

"Gail," he said. "What's the matter?"

She looked at him and shook her head. She pretended nothing was wrong. She always pretended nothing was wrong. He sighed and just shook his head in annoyance. Gail never told anybody what was wrong. She hasn't spoken to anybody since the day of the nuclear bombing that wiped out the best of New York City.

"Remember Gail," he said. "You can talk to me anytime you want."

Gail moved her hands in a way so he could understand her.

'Thank you, Jace,' she signed.

He nodded in understanding and left the girl alone. The people around her were happy just to be alive. They never complained or talked about their way of life. They had everything they needed. It wasn't going to stop them from seeing the best in things. If others walked here, they would see the homemade lights, bulbs, fire, food and parties. Gail was glad she found this place. She sighed and looked up at the beautiful, night sky. She remembered when the sky wasn't able to be seen because of all the lights that lit up the sky. Stars twinkled as she smiled up at them.

"The air may have been stagnant, dead, and cold. There may be nothing, but yet, in the blink of an eye, there was everything in this godforsaken city …"

I loved the way you didn't always say things outright. However, I believe in the beginning you described some things in too much detail. Instead of saying "Dull, bored, crystal, blue eyes" try just saying "Bored crystal-blue eyes". Detail is always great, but not when used in excess. You possess a real talent, and I hope to read more pieces by you.

The first thing that jumps out at me is how dull this piece is. Now I'm confident that you were attempting to go for a dull and bleak environment considering this is a post-nuke setting though I'm afraid to say you might have missed your mark. For one this setting is pretty typical among post-apocalyptic scenarios and I don't see anything that makes it stand out from every other story like it. You have people wandering helpless in the ruins of a superior society while a character reminisces over the loss of her loved ones before finding her friends and learning that life is still worth living. The problem with this is that we've seen it before. It's one of the main reasons why this story is dull, dull in the sense that it doesn't leave a lasting impression on me.

Now that's not to say you can't make it work. All this story really needs is a few more elements to make it stand out from the crowd. One of my first suggestions is to give the main character her own voice. Right now she only serves to tell the reader about what happened, how things are in the current setting, be nice to some helpless people, and to deliver an Important Moral. This doesn't make for an interesting read. Why is she angsting over past events? Why not have her reflect on how they've changed her? Better yet, have her show it through her actions. Perhaps she's trying to do things that would make her parents proud. Or maybe she went the other way into a life of crime due to necessity. You'll find that there's an infinite amount of possibilities if you experiment.

The same can be said for Jace at the end of the story. Right now all he does is help pull the story into the Important Moral. Now given how short this story is and the fact that he's not the viewpoint character means that we probably won't get as much insight of his character as we would with Gail but that doesn't mean he has to be a flat character. You could spice up his dialogue or establish that he has a previous relationship with Gail. Perhaps he tells her a funny story to cheer her up or talks about his dreams. These are a few simple solutions that can add depth to a character, and characters are what make a story work.

Now I mentioned before that the setting isn't anything special so here are a few suggestions on how to fix that.

Establish that humanity is not helpless.

This is pretty obvious but from reading this story the human race looks kind of pitiful, and maybe that was your intention. The problem with that is it's not believable. Based on the flashback scene we know that it's been quite a while since the bombing, so why haven't the survivors banded together and formed a new society and a system of self-government? It doesn't have to be big, just something to keep things from falling into anarchy (and when I say anarchy I'm talking about people getting mugged every five minutes over food and supplies). If there is no society in place then show it, be it with the sound of gunfire or with the main character treading carefully.

Show the consequences of the nuclear bombing(s).

You have the obvious NYC has been obliterated and I think you're trying to portray a nuclear winter (there's mention of snow and cold in the first paragraph), but there's a lot more you can do with this setting. The radiation could have gotten into the soil and contaminated the food and water supply, for example, making maintaining a stable society that much more difficult. I'm also assuming that there are still bombings occurring (based on first paragraph). How do the people cope? Do they always wear special goggles to protect their eyes from the blinding flash of a nearby nuclear explosion? Are there evacuation routes planned in the case of a nuclear emergency?

Even if details like this won't be central to your story it's still important to figure them out and show them in subtle ways, indicating that, yes, you do know what you're doing. Emphasis on subtle, by the way. Nobody wants to read an infodump with details on every single thing, after all. Try to find a good balance.

Overall this piece has potential if you're willing to put a lot of work into it. Like I said, this sort of setting has been done a lot and it's going to take a lot to make it stand out, and you'll probably need to do more than what I've suggested here to make it work.

I hope this helps. You're welcome to PM me with any questions or comments.

--Dover

Dull, bored, crystal, blue eyes flickered back and forth as she tried to make out this once proud, known city.

No need for the coma after crystal.

A little girl with brightly lit crystal blue eyes ran around trying to find her parents.

You already used the term 'crystal blue eyes'. Try something else to help it flow better.

Overall, it was nice, but you need to make it sound more realistic. Explain how the bombing and the poverty happened, and how it affected the nation so badly.

Hello there!
I think this was a pretty good story!! I love it!! There is only one question I ask you to answer, Who was the speaker at the end talking? Obviously, it couldn't be Gail, but was it some guy? Oh yeah!! I'm not supposed to know! Got that!


GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!


~Kat