Young Writers Society

Submitted - thanks for the reviews guys!

Time for some shred ripping!

"A hair salon helped people to look better by removing something old and worn out; a Memory Removal Clinic helped people to feel better by removing something old and worn out. The only difference was the difference between hair, and memory. "

This seems kind of redundant. You might want to condense it to,
"A hair salon helped people to look better by removing something old and worn out; a Memory Removal Clinic did the same but with memories, not hair."

Something along those lines. Just a suggestion of course!

"... or Eskimo." Actually, the word Eskimo translates to "eater of raw meat", and was a derogatory term invented by the northern settlers of America. The people you are thinking of are the Inuit, which means "People of the ice".

Apart from these, and some minor typos that you should catch on a read through, it was a very good piece of work. I liked how in-depth your description of the machine was, and how you developed Charlie as a character; his emotions, conscience etc. It has great potential as a contest piece, and with a few tweaks could easily become a winner. Keep it up!

Hey,

Because, really, who wouldn’t trust a guy who looked like he’d never done anything wrong except maybe be too perky.

I don't know why, but I don't really like this sentence very much. It seems like it's just a bit too long without a comma, but a comma isn't needed. Try changing the structure maybe?

It used to be a hair salon, with open spaces and comfortable chairs along mirrored walls; but now it was a Memory Removal Clinic, which Charlie guessed wasn’t particularly very different. A hair salon helped people to look better by removing something old and worn out; a Memory Removal Clinic helped people to feel better by removing something old and worn out. The only difference was the difference between hair, and memory.

I really like the first sentence of this but the last sentence seems repetitive.

Charlie pushed the thick meta door open,

A typo and I feel you could describe 'thick, metal door' differently because you already used that phrase in the first sentence.

tough barely noticeable and only for a moment.

What do you mean by tough barely noticeable? Was there supposed to be a comma in there?

He shouldn’t have even started tinking about these sort of things.

Another typo.

“Memory Disposal Unit: Alpha detected,” sputtered a painfully electronified voice that emanated from the machine’s speaker.

If it's a electronic voice, wouldn't that be smooth and clear? I don't much like the use of 'sputtered'.

this particular clinic had only a thirty-three percent failure rate,

I'd like to know what happens when there is a failure, it seems interesting.

Still, he couldn’t ignore the nagging at the back of his head that he’d thought that very thought many times before.

Awesome ending.

Overall: I really liked this. It was like a glimpse of what the world may be if technology keeps making all these controversial advances. The writing is good and it flowed well and your plot was very well thought out. Other than those few mistakes above, I really didn't find any problems, though a bit more imagery would be nice. Good job!

Grade: A

If you have any questions or comments, PM me!

~jas

P.S. I just realized; YOU WERE MY 300TH REVIEW!!! :]

Laaaauren! C'est Stella! So, this is kind of like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? In concept? Looking forward to it!

I. NITPICKS

Charlie stood, staring at the thick metal door in front of him.

A pet peeve of mine is starting a story with a passive action. We'll assume he's either standing or sitting unless he's lying down. If he's staring at a door, most likely he's standing.

He was a spunky young guy, in his khaki’s and baby blue polo,

no apostrophe.

Because, really, who wouldn’t trust a guy who looked like he’d never done anything wrong except maybe be too perky.

Question mark at the end.

Charlie pushed the thick meta door open,

Meta door.

“She’s obviously a slut and a whore, I can’t believe I call her my best friend.”

She's both? Also, maybe "called" would be more appropriate?

They were entirely unaware that their memories wouldn’t simply be deleted – it’s impossible to delete a memory, a memory is matter, and matter can’t simply disappear, it has to go somewhere – but transferred through near-invisible cables into the mind of a tiny boy sitting strapped to a chair in the back room.

Okay, I absolutely adore this but at the same time it sort of annoys me because... memories aren't matter? Is is a metaphor? Maybe. But it feels like you're stating it as cold hard fact. Maybe turning it into a simile would be a wise idea?

II. OVERALL

Um. Wow. Powerful and creepy and awful and great. I'm really trying to find something to complain about here. I could complain that Charlie's character isn't all that well developed but at the same time it's exactly as developed as it needs to be -more development wouldn't go amiss but it's not like it's lacking. Some interaction with his co-workers might just add another interesting dimension to it- do they think the same way as him? That could be interesting and would help development but again it's just a suggestion and not necessary- oh. One little thing that bugged me- what year is this supposed to be? Present day or in the near future or a little further away future? That'd be good to know.

But overall, excellent job Good luck in the competition!

-Stella x