z

Young Writers Society


Xenomorph



User avatar
24 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 566
Reviews: 24
Sat Sep 17, 2011 3:08 pm
JCK says...



Eyes, dark as the night that held them, skin that had never seen sun. The veins of a being who had lasted thrice longer than it was supposed to, but, perhaps not in this case. Bulging, pulsating the flow of black blood visible due to the contrast of white, translucent flesh. Ten metres away, it stood, three feet in height. But the distance may as well have been the height and the height the distance, for how small I felt in the presence of this stranger was incomparable to that which I imagine David felt at the feet of Goliath. It had been raining, I think, until I’d caught the eye of the stranger, and then even the rain appeared to have been taken aback in shock, unsure of whether to fall or fly. I was scared, at first. But my fear began to overlap with and convert to excitement in time.
I must’ve stood for an hour staring at the stranger, before I took my first step; it fell heavier than it usually would. But my second was easier. I can remember whispering words of comfort to myself, although what they were I cannot recall. But as I grew closer to the stranger, I saw that it too was scared. It shivered violently, and it was at this point that I noticed it was still raining. The liquid enveloped the humanoid shape of the stranger, and sank into its smooth looking skin. Those beautiful black pearls of eyes sat inside a large egg-shaped head, which was placed on a neck no thicker than a pencil, which in-turn was host to a body resembling that of a human who had been starved for a year. Its shivering made me think of it momentarily as a small child who needed warming.
I knelt down and its eyes followed mine as I crouched before it, as though I was bowing to its magnificence. And I suppose I was, in a way. But then came the moment that causes me to believe I was both blessed and cursed. The rain and the shivering had caused that oldest human emotion of sympathy to effect my actions. I embraced the little being, shielding it from the weather. In that minute of silence I gave it the gift of warmth and in return I received a thought. The thought that I was the first human to have both seen and touched an alien. The tears that overwhelming emotion of happiness brought to me then had caused me at first to ignore just how cold the being was. Its temperature was similar to that of the ice its skin resembled. And as some of my warmth transferred to it and it no longer felt quite so frozen, I let it go. And it fell limply to the ground. As in the shock of the moment, I had forgotten one, vital thing: I was the xenomorph here.
This exotic land had played a foul trick on my mind, for it resembled my home, yet it was not my home. My home was now among the stars of this globe, and I among the stars of my home. But in the eternal night of this now dying world, I had thought of it as home. The illusion was not the cause of my action; it had merely opened the door to allow it. I had forgotten that it was unlikely my own biology matched that of any indigenous species. And in that innocent, ancient act of sharing warmth; I had not only seen and touched the first extra-terrestrial life form ever discovered by the efforts of mankind. I had killed it through hyperthermia. And as I stood back up from my crouching position; I wept in the face of the irony.
Last edited by JCK on Sun Oct 09, 2011 3:54 pm, edited 8 times in total.
The most wondrous sight I've ever seen is the sight of the sun in the sky.We are some of the lucky few who are allowed to exist; does that not make it all worth it?

a chance to understand?
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Sat Sep 17, 2011 8:29 pm
Laurann says...



You posted this on Omegle and it's good like the idea is pretty cool. But the first half it's a bit too detailed, maybe try using a simpler vocabulary it just seems like you're trying very hard.
  





User avatar
5 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1008
Reviews: 5
Sat Sep 17, 2011 11:01 pm
View Likes
Irene says...



I am going to tell you this how I was told (by my uber-awesome at grammar and spelling and such cousin Nikita naturally) years ago and you WILL take this to heart ---- ONE HUGE BLOCK OF TEXT IS BEYOND ANNOYING AND NO ONE WILL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY MUCH LESS READ IT COMPLETELY THROUGH. Now, seriously, break it into different paragraphs and then separate your paragraph by either A.) Tabbing or B.) a line between each paragraph. Trust me, you do not want to ignore this advice.

Secondly: Be less Dickensian (uber uber uber descriptive) I get that you want me to be able to see exactly whats in your head, but no matter how much you describe it i'll never see it like you do, just accept this. Be more to the point with your description, and make it something that will stick in my head without being repetitive.

However: I did like your idea, it needed to be flushed out more and corrected, but still it was a good idea.

Xoxo - Irene
I Am The Daughter Of The Ancient Mother
)O(


"Remember the quiet wonders: the world has more need of them than it has for warriors," - Charles de Lint


Neutiquam erro
  





User avatar
482 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 30278
Reviews: 482
Sat Sep 17, 2011 11:36 pm
View Likes
Ranger Hawk says...



Hello! My name's Hawk, and I'm here to review!

The first thing that came to mind when I saw the title of this post was Ridley Scott's Alien movies. The aliens in those films were referred to as xenomorphs, and when your character advances upon the alien for the first time, whispering to himself, I immediately thought of Ripley in the first movie, nervously approaching the alien aboard her ship. Perhaps if you gave a little more detail as to the surroundings it would help clear up the picture. I had a vague idea that the character was inside a spaceship, until the part near the end where it's revealed that they're on an alien planet that resembles earth.

I wasn't too clear on why the alien was standing in the rain in the first place -- was it rooted to the spot, staring in astonishment at the human? Were there any others to witness this? It seemed a bit unrealistic (bear with me ;) ) that the alien wouldn't be alarmed at being hugged by a human. I mean, heck, I would freak out if a stranger came up to me and hugged me, not to mention a stranger that's an alien from another planet. So I'd like to know if the alien showed any sort of shock at the gesture, or made any unsure movements, like it was backing away or something.

One other thing I had a question about was the human -- was he an astronaut, dressed in a spacesuit? That seems like the most reasonable image to have of him, but I wasn't quite sure since it sounded like the direct body contact between him and the alien was what caused the alien's death. In that case, how is the astronaut able to breathe? Is there some oxygen in the atmosphere of that planet? Does he have some kind of respirator? How's he able to be in a supposedly-cold climate (if his own moderate body temp could overheat an alien, I'd assume the planet's temperature was extremely cold) without some kind of suit?

I'd definitely say break the paragraph up, just for the sake of your readers' eyes. It makes it much easier to track the words on the screen, too.

Overall, I thought this was a very good and creative piece. I like the unexpected, somewhat bittersweet ending. It felt right, somehow -- I think that's because of the tone you used to portray this story. Anyway, I enjoyed reading this a lot. Keep up the great work! And please let me know if you have any questions or whatnot.

Cheers,
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





User avatar
24 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 566
Reviews: 24
Sun Sep 18, 2011 9:02 am
JCK says...



Okay, Thanks!
The most wondrous sight I've ever seen is the sight of the sun in the sky.We are some of the lucky few who are allowed to exist; does that not make it all worth it?

a chance to understand?
  





User avatar
1125 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 53415
Reviews: 1125
Sun Oct 09, 2011 3:45 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey JCK, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Eyes, dark as the night that held them,


How exactly does a night hold eyes?

The veins of a being who had lasted thrice longer than it was supposed to, but, perhaps not in this case.


I'm not sure if that comma should be there after "but" and in any case, I'm not entirely sure what you mean with this sentence.

Ten metres away, it stood, three feet in height.


Firstly, it bugs me a little that you're mixing measurements but that might just be me. Secondly, this feels an awful lot like "telling", try and work the height in another way.

incomparable to that which I imagine David felt at the feet of Goliath.


incomparable? Why is it incomparable and if it is, why are you making the comparison?

to effect my actions.


affect

II. PARAGRAPHS

Why aren't there any?! It's hurting my eyes a little- big blocks of text on a screen are not easy to read. But paragraphs are your friend. They break up those big blocks into reader-size chunks, they organise your ideas and generally they just make the world a better place. That's why they're there. I think that for pacing this story really needs some.

Remember to start a new paragraph whenever you consider a new thought, topic or idea. Keep them in check. But once you break this up it'll flow a whole lot better. Whenever there's a natural break in the text, then break it! As it is, it's just a little messy.

III. YOUR PROTAGONIST

Jeez, what an interesting guy! Or is it? Or is it a she? Are they old? Young? Middle-aged? Where are they from? How did they get there?

If I have to say the biggest issue I have with this, it's the fact that your protagonist doesn't actually make an appearance until about a third of the way through. Before that, it was just a descriptive piece. And the way this is written- in first person- I feel like it's imperative that we are introduced to your protagonist as quickly as possible. Show us the alien through their eyes, not through your own.Then there are all these fascinating details- how did they get there, why them, what year is this? This is a really short piece and I think that what you really need to do is expand. At the end I was totally confused about what happened. It's so short that you won't lose anything by filling in all the gaps. Show us what sort of person this is. Show us the world they live in but most importantly, show it to us through their eyes.

IV. OVERALL

I may be sounding a little harsh right now, but seriously, I liked this! It was a clever concept with a lot of pretty images in it. I just think that you should expand it- when you have such a good idea, show us more about it! Don't be afraid of length. The best stories are the ones that you want to just never end, aren't they?

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  








trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
— E.E. Cummings