Young Writers Society

Celestial Level
Kara Madsen entered the ballroom through a cloud of smoke and instantly her mood was lifted. Someone handed her a glass of champagne, but she had no inclination to drink it. Everyone at the party was sipping champagne and breathing in the pure bliss that filled the room.
“Isn’t this the best party ever?” Anne Park murmured to the group of teenagers around her. Kara sat in the chair next to Anne and leaned forward to hear the conversation over the hum of the party.
“Last year’s was good too,” Kingston Gray replied. “But I think this is much more potent.” Kingston leaned back in his chair and smiled.
“It’s their newest formula,” Kara interjected. “I’ll get us each a pack for when school starts.”
“Good,” Anne replied. “That liquor store stuff is so lame. I have to be constantly smoking it to feel anything.” Everyone in the group nodded and took a few deep breaths.
“I’m so bubbly!” Kara suddenly exclaimed. She jumped out of her seat and grabbed Anne’s hands. “Let’s go dance!” Kara led her friend through the white fog. One wall was entirely a picture screen that showed dancing colors and abstract images. The speakers at the top and bottom of the wall blasted high energy music. The two girls screamed as they danced with their hands in the air. Their shouts were drowned out by the music; and everyone in the room was too involved with their own emotions to care anyways.


Tellurian Level
Sector 7
Sirens blared from seemingly all directions. Ector pulled his hood closer to his face. He stepped closer to the fire. Oren never minded when Ector used his fire pit while he was away. Oren was probably trying to score more pills.
“Ector?” a voice came from behind the boy. “Are you okay?” Ector turned to see his mother standing a few feet from the fire pit. He stood up and took his mother’s hand. When Elsie lifted her head, Ector instantly dropped her hand. Her eyes were rimmed with red and her skin was tight and sunken. Ector grabbed his mom’s sleeve and pushed it up above the elbow. There they were: the little black dots that proved she had been shooting up. By the way her eyes kept darting around and her jumpiness, Ector guessed she had done a cocktail of whatever emotions she could get her hands on.
“Mom, you need to sit down.” Ector grabbed his water bottle and handed it to Elsie once she sat in front of the fire. Elsie suddenly burst into tears when Ector sat across from her. Ector shook his head, but he did not feel concern for his mother. He vowed to stay away from the drugs peddled on this level, so he never felt much of anything. His mother, on the other hand, wanted to feel anything she could—even the negative emotions that currently filled her system.
“Why do you buy that stuff?” Ector muttered. Elsie just sobbed harder.

Ector ran his finger over the grooves in the desk while the teacher droned on. The teachers did not live on the Tellurian Level—most of them came from 1 or 2—and shuttled down every day. One time, a few students managed to get on the shuttle before the teachers boarded. They were on Level 1 for three days before the badges found them. The badges took them to Sector 1, never to be heard from again.
“Ector,” Isaac Waits whispered. Ector turned around and saw a bunch of tiny blue pills in Isaac’s open hand. “Want some?”
“No,” Ector replied firmly and turned back around. Isaac’s father was a garbage collector for Madsen Labs, so he had access to the old versions of emotions and the ones that did not work right. Isaac usually stole a few from his dad’s stash and would try them out in different combinations.
“It’s just tranquility,” Isaac said, poking Ector in the back. “The worst that can happen is you pass out for a few hours.” Ector stood up and walked out of the room. The teacher continued talking as if nothing had transpired because he had taken an extra dose of patience that morning.

It's an intriguing piece. Definitely original, the idea of using emotions as a substance. Now, getting down to the gritty I wondered if it was necessary to have such a large cast in the first installment.

We meet: Kara Madsen, Anne Park, Kingston Gray, Ector, Elsie, Oren, and Isaac Waits. To be honest, I was a bit overwhelmed.

Furthermore, while I dig keeping it light on the details: I didn't have anything to go on for their appearances and due to the massive amount of characters there was little character development. Before I could come to care for any character, it shifted to a different scene.

Exposition rather than showing the reader and allowing them to foster their own thoughts on the situation dominated this piece.

Certain portions didn't make much sense until I reached the end such as:

“Last year’s was good too,” Kingston Gray replied. “But I think this is much more potent.” Kingston leaned back in his chair and smiled.
“It’s their newest formula,” Kara interjected. “I’ll get us each a pack for when school starts.”

Here, I was thinking perhaps they were talking party until they brought up formula. I jumped on the assumption that they were talking about the champagne and only realized they were talking about emotions when Ector brought up Isaac's father.

Speaking of Ector, it was a dramatic shift to go from a light party to a darker scene. Without much time to become attached, it was difficult for me to feel much sympathy towards his situation simply because it was much too abrupt.

I would've liked larger breaks between the paragraphs. It would be easier on my eyes, but that's honestly a minor detail. Overall, I feel you could break the larger passages into more palatable fragments.

This has great potential: however, it feels heavy with too many ideas that required either more time to develop or to have been isolated to elaborate on the set circumstances.

It tis an intriguing So intriguing that *waves at episode of Doctor Who* Imma just post that on your wall or sommet.

AnyWhovian, my comments, for the most part, are much like reasons. Too many characters to all be introduced so early without much detail. If you're really sold on the time frame, then you really have to pack in development, which... I'm not seeing. Not to mention it'd be hard to figure out the difference between the characters for most people.

Yatta yayya repetitive jabber

Someone handed her a glass of champagne, but she had no inclination to drink it. Everyone at the party was sipping champagne and breathing in the pure bliss that filled the room.

Speaking of repetitive

He stood up and took his mother’s hand. When Elsie lifted her head, Ector instantly dropped her hand.

This is a bit've a confusing moment with the head and the hand and the head-handing and the repetition of the hand word.

Other'n that, the story seems very interesting and all that good stuff. Obviously, the idea of emotions as drugs is awesome. And ye seem to be onto something with the stuff... yeah....